Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 8 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

 

The scene: heaven

 

This is totally what heaven looks like

 

 

Jesus wanders through the seemingly abandoned heaven. Empty hallways, lifeless gardens. He had prepared many rooms in his father’s house, or else why would he have told so many people that he had, but now they were all more empty than a patriots fans’chat room, circa 1995.

Jesus: This is ridiculous, an entire population of souls does not simply up and vanish, and surely if this were the second coming I would have been resurrected again, wait, if it’s my second time coming back to life, wouldn’t it be the third coming? Questions for later.

 

After another 30 minutes or so of wandering (but to Jesus it felt like 4-Ever) Jesus once again finds himself addressing the only remotely sentient being in heaven that he can find.

 

 

Jesus: You there, statue!

 

 

Jesus: I demand that you tell me where every one has gone.

 

 

Jesus: Don’t you cover your face when the lamb of God addresses you! This is one sheep that ewe know what be silenced!

 

Jesus: Don’t give me that sass, nothing my father does makes sense. You cannot possibly fault me for being unaware of his insanity.  Now for the last time, where is he?

 

 

Jesus: what could this possibly have to do with costumes? No one has a need for costumes in heaven! Unless you mean, oh no, not again..

 

 

Jesus: Rvery year it sneaks up on me. Maybe if I actually got invited for once I’d be prepared for this. Well, farewell my dear sculpture of sadness, hit the music, looks like I’m taking a road trip.

The scene: Hell

Yes I am totally stealing this joke

Hell’s annual Halloween party is once again the place to be. Dance music, party games and such. And in the middle of it all, the Lord almighty is cutting a rug while dressed like pennywise

 

God: Hey there Georgie , I mean Jesus, didn’t expect to see you here! Your uncle Jerry has said you’re  always welcome, check out the eye candy!

 

 

Jesus: Father, he’s not my uncle, he supposed to be your opposite, and he routinely benefits from your chronic negligence of earth.

 

God: Bah, you’re no fun. I gotta do something on Halloween. Crazy zealots pray like crazy this tiime of year, on an on about damnation and such. Besides I made sure that I took care of some of my duties before I left, do you see those three over there?

 

 

 

Jesus: Well, that appears to be Jason Witten, Cole Beasley, and Dak Prescott. But none of them are dead, why would they be here?

 

God: Well, no, and that’s the beauty of it, those aren’t the actual players! Those are some random dudes dressed up! You see Brocky…

 

Jesus: not again…

 

God: …started all 3 of those guys Sunday night, I switched them out, and their collective ineptitude was enough to ensure Brocky fell to 4 and 4 this week! IHe didn’t even have any players for Monday night. What a dumbas!

 

Jesus: you impersonated 3 public figures with decoys for a personal vendetta? How would we avoid exposing our heavenly selves doing such an act?

 

God: easy, I called in a favor, you remember your uncle Jerry right?

 

Jesus: oh no…

Credit to the fine folks who do found this old pic for me.

 

Jerry: Yeeehaw do I love making deals! I get a guaranteed win, and my primadonna protesting players don’t look champs in the pouring rain? You’re an alright dude, god, don’t care what anyone else says about ya. Champ, you need to listen to your old man more. Some day it’ll be you battling Goodell!

 

Befuddled, Jesus storms off. Another loss for brocky, what else does the future hold?

 

*disclaimer* keep in mind this was originally supposed to be published on Tuesday, you know, the actual day Halloween fell on, but technological incompetence once again reared its ugly head. I hope you enjoyed my overly convoluted post to shoehorn in an old joke.

 

 

 

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Brocky
Brocky
Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!
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nomonkeyfun

“Jesus, the third coming.”

-exasperated NoMonkey’s girlfriend after 4 minutes.

Senor Weaselo

What’s Jesus’s go-to costume? I’m guessing the Christ the Redeemer statue.

Don T

King Midas, complete with petrifying hugs.

LemonJello

He just goes around cock-blocking all his buddies at the party and when called on his shit, shrugs and says, “What? I’m Judas Iscariot!”