Your “Football Every Night From Today Until New Year’s” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

This is tWBS coming to you live from Canadia.  Sort of.

But no, not really.

Apparently, Canadia decided to go all Puerto Rico this evening, and lose power at just the wrong time.  BeerSteinRicardo  didn’t quite get tonight’s open thread finished to his own satisfaction before this happened.  So I’m providing the (very small) assist tonight.  Seriously, very small.

As an aside, can you believe he trusted me to finish this?  Yeah, me neither.  It’s as if he’s never met me.

Anything you like in tonight’s post is his.  Anything which pisses you off….it’s a good bet that it’s mine.

But back to the important stuff….

We’re investigating currently who is actually responsible for this travesty.  So if you’ve seen these two….

….Please call your local authorities.  They are wanted for questioning regarding the wanton chewing of buried electrical cables.

But keep your distance as they are considered armed and adorable.

(yes I’m still planning a dognapping if I can ever get Mexico to give me my passport back)

– tWBS

NFL News:

  • Thomas Davis has been suspended for two games for his hit on Davante Adams.
    • It’s Adams’ third concussion in two years.
    • Davis is appealing the suspension and h— here’s the apology.

  • Mark Cuban says he wants no part of buying the Panthers when they come on sale this offseason.
    • “Why would I buy an NFL team if I think the league is in decline?” Cuban told Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning-News.
    • Irrespective of that stance, Forbes has him on their shortlist of 12 potential owners.
      • They will need money – in September, Forbes listed the team’s value at $2.3 billion.

  • The League has decided to validate Gene Steratore’s theomania by declaring his use of the index card to be both “very unusual” but within League rules.
    • It ties in nicely with his logomania, because we know he’s not scoptophobic.

Better Know A Broadcaster – Bowl Game Edition

With Bowl games on the docket pretty much every night there isn’t NFL action between now & New Year’s, I thought I’d make #content quota by trying to figure out which C-list announcing teams are trying to climb the broadcasting ladder. Normally, I’d complain about not seeing this matchup because of Canadian content requirements & the fact it’s not a major bowl, but TSN is so starved for #content themselves that they are showing this game on the main network

The broadcast tandems are courtesy 506sports.com.

Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl – Akron v Florida Atlantic – Clay Matvick, Kirk Morrison

           

Clay Matvick:

  • Personal stuff:
    • From St. Cloud, Minnesota
    • Started broadcasting in high school, on the local country station.
    • Has a degree in Mass Communications from St. Cloud State University (1996)
  • Broadcasting history:
    • Worked local sports at stations in Minnesota, South Dakota & Nebraska between 1996-99
    • Hired by CNNSI; worked in Atlanta from 1999-2001
    • Worked for FSN-North (Minnesota) from 2001-05
    • Joined ESPN in 2006
  • Signature play-by-play events:
    • Minnesota Boys High School Hockey Tournament (2004-present)
      • has won three Upper Midwest regional Emmy awards (2006-08)
    • Little League World Series’ Southeast Region semifinals and finals (2010-11)
  • Previous Bowl Games called:
    • 2012 TicketCity Bowl
    • 2013 Heart of Dallas Bowl
    • 2013 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
    • 2014 AutoZone Liberty Bowl
    • 2015 Belk Bowl

Recent Tweets which show level of commitment to Bowl Game accuracy:

https://twitter.com/claymatvick/status/941471006404866049

https://twitter.com/claymatvick/status/941396285629915137

Kirk Morrison:

  • Personal stuff:
    • Born & raised in Oakland
    • Attended San Diego State
      • was a two-time Mountain West Defensive Player of the Year
  • Football career?
    • Yes – 8 years / 102 games
      • 2005-09 – Raiders
      • 2010 – Jaguars
      • 2011-12 – Bills
  • Broadcasting history:
    • Fox Sports Radio: Fox Overtime (with Rob Dibble) – 2011
    • Colour analysis – San Diego State football broadcasts (radio) – 2013-16
    • ESPN LA – LA Rams radio broadcast – 2016-present

Recent Tweets which show level of commitment to Bowl Game accuracy:

Prediction:

Solid game calling by Matvick. Some mild chucklefuckery by Morrison, with allusions to “I could do better than that” when analyzing defensive miscues.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
    • Lightning at Vegas – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
  •  NCAA:
    • Football:
      • Boca Raton Bowl: Akron at Florida Atlantic – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Men’s Basketball:
      • Marshall at Xavier – 6:30PM | FS1
      • South Carolina at Clemson – 7:00PM | ESPN2
      • Morehead State at Butler – 8:30PM | FS1
      • Georgia Tech at Georgia – 9:00PM | ESPN2
  • WWE:
    • SmackDown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • first show after Clash of Champions

If I may be allowed a small rant, FUCKING NHL BROADCAST RIGHTS! (Aside: DFO has 105 tags labelled “fuck”.) Tonight, the Canadiens are playing the Canucks at 10:00PM eastern. Granted, neither team is on fire, but it’s still a matchup of national interest up here. But due to the provincialization of broadcast rights, TSN owns the Habs rights for Quebec & the Maritimes, and Sportsnet has the national rights. So, because it can’t be a national broadcast on one network, the game cannot be shown across the country. But two American teams can be shown because it doesn’t conflict with regional ownership rights. FUCKING GENIUS!

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
ballsofsteelandfury

Who has 2 thumbs and is proudly wearing Deadpool underwear?

Yes, you smell another underwear review post brewing!

Senor Weaselo

No, that’s probably a fart that I smell.

ballsofsteelandfury

A Silent But Deadpool-y fart, I bet!

Unsurprised

/Fights off urge to make a racist joke

BrettFavresColonoscopy

About fucking time. I’ve been wearing this ratty old g string waiting for advice.

ballsofsteelandfury

Two words for 2018: jock straps.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Apparently there’s a bar in Boise with an arcade game of Harambe Kong. No news on whether you have to whip it out to play it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your boilre is connected to your dishwasher?
I bet his Mexican ass is hot!!!!

That’s aimed at ballsofsteelandfury because….well, he knows why.
Jerkweed.
😛

theeWeeBabySeamus

Time to get food and maybe even accomplish something so balls doesn’t cut mine off.
Nite gents (and ladies if you’re lurking and just being antisocial)…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thfpVOAC-y0

Romonobyl

Niters.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, seriously??

theeWeeBabySeamus

If I don’t get distracted by vodka or porn.
Yes.

ballsofsteelandfury

Next year, then?

If it wasn’t December 18, that would be way funnier.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck you dicknose.
😛

ballsofsteelandfury

Okay vaginaear!

I’ve no idea what that means. ?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, it’s December 19. Buy a calendar you cheap fuck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

IT’S A JOKE RELAX PPL.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No

ballsofsteelandfury

They don’t make nudie calendars anymore…

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll take 12 dickpics and send them to you then.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Beefeater with Sprite Zero Cranberry is really, really good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not gonna lie….that sounds terrible.

WCS

Say what you will. It keeps Lil’er WCS constant crying at bay.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/calls CPS

(in all seriousness, like Romonobyl I’m just not a gin guy…I’d rather drink turpentine)

Romonobyl

My job is nearly complete, you’ll be wearing an Aikman throwback jersey in no time…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unlikely.

WCS

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Romonobyl

Not usually a gin guy, but that does sound interesting.

Romonobyl

Although I’d likely go for straight cranberry juice instead.

theeWeeBabySeamus

UTI?

Romonobyl

Nope, now you know why!

Romonobyl

Good Merlot is not so good when Good Merlot is all gone.
Why can’t the really good shit be available in nice, thick boxes?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ummmm….ummmmm….

Never mind.

WCS

The Assassination of Gianni Versace looks horrible. It’s going to spend 97% on super-rich assholes being super-rich, and completely neglect the other people that guy shot.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

I came with my weeny, but they just asked me to leave.

Romonobyl

Weird, because I brought my own buns.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I always try to bring my own weinie, fwiw.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But you’ll settle for someone else’s?

theeWeeBabySeamus

We can talk privately if you’re that interested.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So instead of the bowl game, I watched The Accountant this evening. Pretty interesting, though John Lithgow wasn’t a particularly evil bad guy

Spoiler
[spoiler title=” “](except for the hiring of trained assassins I guess)
[/spoiler]. I have a nephew who is high functioning side of the autism spectrum, but he’s into molecular biology and is the type who catches a spider to let it outside rather than stomp on it (so am I, to be honest), so he probably wouldn’t make a very good assassin (probably would make a good accountant, if that interested him).
Queued up Road to Perdition as the second half of a double feature only to discover that the DVD I got from the library was full-screen. I paid $3500 for that fucking television, and no way is it going to show any full-screen bullshit. So here I am.

Unsurprised

You can probably find a streaming version online to watch that’s the proper dimensions.

Romonobyl

I really wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but The Dame had her usual argument over the phone with her “adult” daughter (the world’s oldest Millennial); it was pretty bad so after finally hanging up she uncorked a bottle of Pretty Good Merlot.
She’s not a big drinker (AKA my frequent designated driver), so it would have been wrong of me to let her drink alone.
It’s actually a really good Merlot…*hick*.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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litre_cola

From where?

Romonobyl

California, about 5 years old. Already tossed the bottle so I don’t remember the brand, but I do know it cost well over twice as much as the factory swill.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Romonobyl

And lo, another Kardashian is born.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

So, Akron can probably come back. Right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DyziWtkfBw

Unsurprised

Sure, pal. Sure.

An’ live off the fatta the lan’! An’ have rabbits. Go on, George! Tell about what we’re gonna have in the garden and about the rabbits in the cages and about the rain in the winter and the stove, and how thick the cream is on the milk like you can hardly cut it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Time to stop.

Romonobyl

As long as Goodyear keeps building blimps.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was really hoping someone would make a “rubbers” joke.
Meh, close enough.

Romonobyl

I bet none of you are old enough to remember this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Au Contraire…

Seven around two wrapped by one.
And you have my word I haven’t yet clicked the link.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!!!!

See I AM old.
Oh…wait.

Romonobyl

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m pretty sure I bought a set of these for my ’76 Cutlass. They were expensive as I recall.

Romonobyl

Back then, they were almost $40 each!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit…that’s gonna cut into my cocaine money.

Gratliff

Apparently the House is gonna have to vote on their bullshit again due to a fuckup in the process tomorrow because they are physically incapable of not fucking up. Somehow, they’re still winning. It’s like Wile E. Coyote spends an entire episode fucking up just to turn around and have a roast roadrunner sitting on a plate as it cuts to credits.

Unsurprised

And they haven’t even killed Social Security and Medicare yet.

Yet.

Romonobyl

Hope you were knocking on wood when you posted that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This tax cut will create huge deficits, then they’ll go after entitlements (which we fucking pay for as we go [simplistically]). So no; it’ll happen.

Unsurprised

That’s the plan, and there’s nothing on Earth that will stop them.

Senor Weaselo

On the good news, if/when the bill passes I can finally say I’ve lost my virginity!

/Because it would fuck me, get it?

Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are going to have to be more specific.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is that Jim Carrey doing an impersonation of Kris Kristofferson doing an impersonation of Kenny Rogers?

Unsurprised

Nah. He’s just gone crazy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He did have a bunch of mental problems and a director asked him not to get help/ get better because it would make the movie better if he was fucked up; that is what the quote is from.

Unsurprised

Jesus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or he is getting old, like some of the rest of us.

I’d be doing an impression of Uncle Fester (original) if that was the case.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe….that was funny.
Maybe only because I pay attention. But still….well played you funny fucker.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No joke; a little eye make up, shave, and a weird coat I’d be there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh, fuck do I care.
I’m still coming to the Rockies in the spring we gon’ get fucked up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What? It makes a great Halloween costume.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So I should wait and come in the fall?
Heheheheh…I said “come”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Has anyone here watched Jim and Andy yet? I’ve heard good things.

litre_cola

BfC why do you get a star underneath you?

Unsurprised

It is Hanukkah

litre_cola

A star might not be the best idea. Went poorly in the past.

ballsofsteelandfury

/MUST RESIST WWII REFERENCE/JOKE

Unsurprised

Give in to the dark side.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Better question is why isn’t it yellow?

herodotus450

Thomas Greiss? More like Thomas… Gross. Nailed it.

...

lol yeah and Trump is 236, too.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I have not experienced this Bill.
Maybe stop stuffing your fat stupid face and be honest with yourself.

...

I love this so much because I’m his height and nearly 200. You’ve seen my skinny ass, so you know Papa Bear is super full of shit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You are all slender and sexy, yes.

/buys GHB
//books airfare to ChiTown

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would be more surprised if he wasn’t lying.

Gratliff

“Many women have stealthily cut back on their willingness to fuck me. Waving a wad of cash used to do it. Not anymore. Now endless targeted harassment.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

6′-4″ is a big asshole.

Unsurprised

Turns out they DO stack shit that high in Levittown, Long Island.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So big you could drive a truck thru it and still….

Never mind.

Unsurprised

Why’d you say it twice?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!! Nice.

Unsurprised

Shane Black is an American scribe.

WCS

The Predator is going to be awesome.

Unsurprised

Apparently the president’s annual physical is mandatory, so I am excited as fuck for how he weasels out of it next month.

Anyway, I’m XXL at 6’2″ and 300#. So …

theeWeeBabySeamus

6 foot nothing, 205-210 depending.
FINE I’M LIKE 211 RIGHT NOW FUCK YOU VEGAS!!!!!!!

Redshirt

NFL Network is showing NE-PIT again? Well, its kind of late, but I can watch it.

(unzip)

LemonJello

Even better, they edit out a lot of the plot/dialogue, so you’re left with just the good parts…

Redshirt

Who is Florida Atlantic? Are they that good or is Akron just that bad?

...

The Lane Kiffin Effect

LemonJello

At what point do you just decide that Lane Kiffin is a huge prick standing there across the field, so you run a sweep right at him with the clear intention of putting him on his smug ass?

WCS

TRUE WCS FACT: Akron is coached by former Auburn coach Terry Bowden.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Could be worse.
He could be Tommy Bowden. That poor bastard is stuck doing ACC FB game of the week pregame.

rockingdog

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theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s gotta be the shoes.
(yes I’m old)
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Horatio Cornblower

Somebody just shot a cop in the leg up the street from my house. Bunch of cops shot back. Helicoptered the non-cop to the Hartford major trauma center. Between the gunshots and the chopper landing nearby I’m having flashbacks to my father’s time in Vietnam.

theeWeeBabySeamus

When you say “somebody”….

Never mind. Keep your mouth shut and call an attorney. Oh wait, you are one.

Horatio Cornblower

I have an alibi.

Not sure about one of our cats however. Wouldn’t put it past her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Horatio Cornblower

Wrong color, right attitude.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nawt raycess?

litre_cola

I miss the Whalers.

Horatio Cornblower

These cops wouldn’t have…

litre_cola

Zing!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The “spray and pray” method DOES work with whales.

theeWeeBabySeamus

While I realize it’s not Yahoo’s fault really, fuck you Yahoo FF automated commentary fucker. This seems unnecessary IMHO….

The tragedy of being an underachiever is that tWBS Never Learns knows what they should be, but reality keeps telling them that they’re wrong. They scored 91.22 points against a projected 115.36 and underachieved for the 10th time this season, including the last four weeks in a row.

It’s not like I didn’t already know I sucked hard in the last month of the season. Jeebus.

Wakezilla

Wow, BeerguyMitch isn’t the only Vancouverite without power. I just heard on the radio over 10,000 people are without power (and it’s gradually increasing).

Time to load up on liquers.

Senor Weaselo

When does Canadian Lin-Manuel Miranda write a freestyle rap? And who is it?

No, it isn’t Drake. It would have to be someone who can actually write.

Wakezilla

Kardinal Offishal.

Though, I bet K’nan would do it and do it well

Unsurprised

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Wakezilla

Summer Rae was not only a really good character, she was also very attractive.

WWE missed the ball when they released her

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Unsurprised

Whoa. I wonder if her pics have been leaked, too.

Eww. She’s a Bears fan.

Redshirt

She says no, but the Internet begs to differ.

Unsurprised

I’m not about to read the comments, but I see a ton of grainy selfies in this other window.

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...

Hey! Not all Bears fans are as gross and damp as I am.

Gratliff

RIP BFFs

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I really need to start watching wrasslin’.

Gratliff

The new wave of tiny blondes are up on the main roster now.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You had me at “tiny blondes”.

Unsurprised

Round these parts, they called Spinners.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow. And by “Wow”, I mean….Wow.

Release, you say? If you insist….

Gratliff

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Unsurprised

I have to give the Japanese dental industry something because they either do excellent work or scare the fuck out of everyone into taking really good care of their teeth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaDeuxQgnX4

Gratliff

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herodotus450

Red Wings-Islanders is like the Joe Flacco of NHL matchups tonight

litre_cola

Ice Bombers up 1-0 at Ice Titans

herodotus450

It’s a surprisingly good game though, 3-3 back and forth. Also, “Ice Bombers” would be a pretty good name for a hockey team.

litre_cola

The real Bombers have had some good unis in their day, I could see them translating.

Wakezilla

That’s like the Bucs/Bengals of matchups. Minus the rape and theft.

rockingdog

Me: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.
Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Divorce Attorney: OK, we’ve already covered this guys. Who gets the blender?

Unsurprised

I assumed he’s gotten it monogrammed.

litre_cola

Yeah but the intimate branding they did to each other won’t go away.

Unsurprised

Hmm. Last jedi or season 1 of Wipeout. The Internet really does have everything available.

EDIT: Except for Lady Bird. Shit.

Senor Weaselo

Wipeout has more replay value.

Unsurprised

Good decision.

rockingdog

Last Jedi.

Redshirt

Last Jedi is an base breaker. You’ll either find it “a worthy movie that takes chances” or “a movie that makes The Christmas Special looks good”.

Unsurprised

I watched the throne room fight and the last scene with Luke. That was dope. I don’t know.

Redshirt

I agree. I liked the movie. I also liked how they deconstructed the Jedi.

JustStopDude

What frustrates me is that they miss so many opportunities and they have too many fucking characters.

The whole stupid arc with the black dude and the Asian girl could have been utterly cut, with all the characters also involved…and flesh out better the rest and you got a MUCH better movie.

But its Star Wars…we need to shove in as many marketable toy figures as possible.

Redshirt

Yup. They could’ve had a scene with Anakin and Kylo. That would’ve really gotten Kylo from Vader Fanboy to his own big bad.

But no, lets rush the Kylo development so we can fit in the 1% and Animal Cruelty scenes.

JustStopDude

Kudos for Benicio del Toro doing as much effort in a role as he does for his beer commercials.

Redshirt

Yeah, plus the heroes not named Rey were idiots. My theory is that Ep. IX will show they were Neo-Empire Spies.

ArmedandHammered

I thought it was a great way to break away from having the heroic desperate gambles pay off. Them bringing Del Toro into it doomed a lot of the resiistance. If Poe had just followed orders they would have been at the base with the bad guys none the wiser.

JustStopDude

Its like three movies shoved into one.

Wall-e, also a film targeting children (I think its only far to compare Star Wars to kids movies) is so much better in every single conceivable fashion.

You don’t need to have three stories going on at once, especially if the film has to rush through the majority of the content. This is now a common problem in many US big budget films.

The concept of pacing is utterly lost. Its pure schlock.

Unsurprised

You have to justify those CGI budgets somehow.

Redshirt

Without giving everything away, if Poe and others followed orders than everything would be a lot better.

It was like when Indiana Jones prevented the Nazis from going to Berlin to open the Ark of the Covenant in front of Hitler and friends. It made for a nice movie, but you gotta think of the bigger picture.

Gratliff

It’s really hard to get into any of these shows having immersed myself in MXC’s insanity at a young age

litre_cola

I forgot Lane was coaching this, I am now interested. Hope you are all well.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Monte Kiffin was once the head coach at my alma mater.
For only 3 years because he sucked (tho admittedly the next guy sucked worse).

Lane Kiffin is a douchenozzle off the old block. I’d like to punch them both.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Send the puppies in.
They’ll get to the bottom of it.

And also probably eat it.

herodotus450

Assuming it’s pronouced “boil-ay” up there

Redshirt

Well, thank you 11th Doctor. You’ve given me a GIF that basically describes every Bengals loss and every Bengals season.
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Gratliff

The Doctor’s other show had a better one
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it wrong if I hope Kirk Morrison murders Clay Mavtick at some point?

Senor Weaselo

Chaos is chaos, I say go for it.

scotchnaut

Erik Karlsson is a ridiculously talented individual.

/that is all

JustStopDude

This has been one of those days in which I keep saying “Well it can’t get any worse than this” and it does.

I proposed to my sister that vice getting my mother any particular gift, we take her and my father out to the Thames Street Oyster House in Fells Point. My mom LOVES raw oysters and I can’t think of anything else to get her. So real expensive meal out on the town. My sis points out that she can’t afford it (she is thinking I want us to go 50/50).

“You do the driving and pitch in $20 for parking and we are even steven. I got the rest” My sister makes fuck all as a professor and her job is not stable at all right now. So no biggie.

We let my old man know so he can try to make sure my Mom doesn’t have anything planned that evening and he pipes in that we should invite my older brother. This is the guy that lives like a half a mile away from my folks and does fuck all for them. I get that he has a wife and kids, but I never really forgave him for letting my dad’s hoarding get so extreme. He NEVER checks in on my folks unless he needs a free babysitter. I ask my sister to talk to him for me because I really don’t want to him as he tends to piss me off.

He ends up calling me anyway…

“So its Saturday right? I can make that. [The wife] and the kids don’t eat oysters, but [my sister] says they got other stuff”

“NO! No they don’t. They got beer and oysters mostly. Everything else is seafood I think. Its a BAR. Do you really want to bring your kids to a bar?!?”

“Well $20 is a cheap meal for a family of four”.

“WHAT?!?! The reason that it’s $20 for [my sister] is that she makes almost no freaking money. She can’t afford to eat there!”

“Neither can I with my kids bro…I guess I will just tell mom and dad you didn’t want us there”

“What?!?! No you dick…don’t do that. Damn it…you do this shit all the time”

“Okay. Cool. See you then”

So really how could this get any worse?

My shithead younger brother…the one I REALLY don’t fucking talk to as he stole/wrecked my truck and had me arrested for it when I came back to the US one Christmas…he calls me up out of the blue.

“JSD here…who is this?”

“This is [younger brother]”

“How the fuck did you get this number?”

“[Sister] gave it to me. So this Saturday…family dinner right? I checked the restaurant website and it doesn’t have steak…so I am going to ask Dad if we could change to another place.”

“Stop fucking talking now. I am going to that fucking Oyster House. Either with Mom and Dad or by my fucking self. I don’t fucking care at this point. If I see you there, I am calling the cops. My restraining order is still fucking in effect”

“Alright…I guess I will just tell dad you didn’t want me there”

“Yeah…that is the smart thing to do”

So now I am the big bad guy…even though I am looking at a shit ton of money being spent for a meal and evening that will make me fucking miserable…how could this get any worse?

Two weeks ago, my parents’ got raw oysters from a grocery store and my dad shucked them. He had cut his hand doing it.

I just got a text saying he is in the hospital from blood poisoning caused by the oysters and my mom is freaking out swearing she will never fucking let my father or herself touch them ever again.

So if anyone wants reservations for fucking 10 at the Thames Street Oyster House in Fells Point…feel free to fucking ask.

Gratliff

I don’t really like oysters. Do they got other stuff?

Unsurprised

This is why I am glad I have no family. The family my mother and I spent our last ten Thanskgivings and Christmases with was like 40 people and it was nice to be around a lot of people for 6-8 hours and then be able to bounce until the next year.

Anyway, that sucks. It’s like you have to pull off a dinner with all the secrecy and planning of an Oceans’s 11 heist.

Redshirt

You should try hosting the entire family for Fourth of July. You need the complete cunning and improvisation of Sherlock Holmes, Daniel Ocean and Ferris Bueller.

Gratliff

I wrote off most of my family after college for many reasons, but as I get older and see the sheer stress involved in doing GOOD things, it makes it seem all the sweeter.

Unsurprised

Fuck no.

JustStopDude

I never thought I would say this…but I think i am starting to understand the people that murder/suicide their families.

Unsurprised

It’s probably a good sign that it took you this long.

Redshirt

Nah, I don’t understand it. I don’t want them to accidently end up in Heaven on a sympathy vote. I want them all in Hell where I can watch over them in Heaven under the Beer Tree or in Hell as Satan’s Foreman.

Don T

Underrated suicide / murder scenario: the suicide death goes first, but after telling the murder victims they’re gonna die and guilt trip them until the suicide happens. It’s gotta be venom; maybe pitbulls.

nomonkeyfun

I prposed to my sister

I knew Balto claimed to be the northernmost, southern city, but that’s taking it too far man.

Redshirt

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. I am wondering how nice I would have to be to have a political party that believes in Conservative principles but without all the corruption, incompetence and just plain, complete, utter douchebaggary?

Love,
Redshirt

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dear Redshirt,

I am fine. Thank you for the cookies and milk. You can always become an independent and then…

HAHAHA….just kidding.

Love,
Santa

Gratliff

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Redshirt

What a minute? Do I have Trump tied up in the trunk or Mrs. Claus?

Senor Weaselo

For legal reasons, nobody is in the trunk. For anecdotal reasons, yes.

Redshirt

Uh, yeah. Me too. Because that would be wrong.

Don T

105 tags with fuck? DFO must really be the Paris Review of NFL blogs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ummmm…..106 now, thank you very much.

Unsurprised

I blame the lawyers.

Don T

Re, Thomas Davis: exclamation points really make the contrition jump off the screen.

Redshirt

Why does BBC America wait until premieres before it airs Doctor Who marathons? You’d think it would be easier to get ratings than showing Star Trek: Voyager.

WCS

Can’t answer that, but, Peaky Blinders season four is on Netflix on Thursday.

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Senor Weaselo

It would be nice if they showed rebooted Robot Wars… ever.

I might have withdrawal.

...

Eagle Eye Cherry is playing in this bar.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“The League has decided to validate Gene Steratore’s theomania by declaring his use of the index card to be both “very unusual” but within League rules.
It ties in nicely with his logomania, because we know he’s not scoptophobic.”

I’ll take how I knew tWBS didn’t write this for $600, Alex.

Unsurprised

Much less equine viscera, too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, I know words.

Unsurprised

It occurred to me after watching the Soldado trailer that Sicario is the plot of Clear and Present Danger except that the villains win and that Jack Ryan/Emily Blunt’s character are naive idiots.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyBgZzQT-NA

herodotus450

C’mon! This is the perfect time for the “Esoteric Broadcast Rules Fuck Us Over Again” tag

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

The world would be a much better place if we had more wolves.

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...

Wolf for Congress

Unsurprised

Earth-killing Meteor/Cthulhu for President

Wakezilla

A grass is greener on the other side story: Wakezilla-ette typically gets up at 630-730, leaving me wishing she’d sleep in once in so I could be rested. Well, last night she slept 11 hours straight, which is weird for her and woke up at 930. She must have gotten into my coke stash because she’s a ball of energy. I’m starting to think there’s a twin running around and is in hiding. Even when she’s standing still, she’s bouncing up and down. And any rest I felt had long since passed from chasing this insane ball of energy around.

I wish she’d get up early so she’d be a little more chill. Lol

WCS

Nyquil dude.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“What is Darren Sharper’s college nickname?”

litre_cola

Absolutely superb.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Twins? You have my attention….
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