For Catholics, today is Good Saturday. To get the religious stuff out of the way: “The Young Pope” was hokey, but interesting. And what an intro!

All times Central. Yeah.

Listen, I got a two-day vacation going, so please accept my start-time guesses.

LA LIGA

Athletic Bilbao (13^th) vs. Celta Vigo (10^th) – 9:15 AM

Athletic Bilbao is one of the emblematic clubs in the history of fútbol.

/golf clap

Moving on, Celta Vigo’s Iago Aspas is inspiring national pride. He entered as a sub in last Tuesday’s international friendly of Spain 6 – 1 Argentina, and Aspas got the staff all tumescent at Spanish paper-of-record El País. Aspas is a humble guy from Galicia, and reporter Rafa Cabelleira called  him the prime candidate for starting at center forward for the Spanish National Team—i.e., “the most important post that can be aspired to in [Spain], at least within democracy”. Heh heh; that creeping cloud is SHADE thrown at Spain’s starting center forward, Diego Costa: born and raised in Brazil, Spanish citizen since 2013, and an international head case. A sudaka on the most “important post that can be aspired to” in Ezpaña? Now THAT’S dog whistling.

via quickmeme.com

Let’s not forget that El País covers fútbol as if it were literary criticism. Here’s more of Prof. Cabelleira on Aspas: “His play in the last friendly against Argentina is nothing but the reflection of his many virtues, the logics within a forward with the soul of a midfielder and venom in the boots, an enlightened footballer who understood the first time one of the maxims of the Cruyff Theorem: nobody is as fast as the ball itself.”

All that flowery Social Sci. stuff, NOTHING on Aspas’s 40-yard time. Get a grip, El País.

Las Palmas (18^th) vs. Real Madrid (3^rd) – 11:30 AM

Cristiano’s not playing, nor Sergio Ramos (asshole). Isco, Marcelo, and Toni Kroos are out. All sights are on Tuesday’s Champions League game at Juventus, so this trip to the Canary Islands seems like a chore. Carvajal is also out for—color me shocked—yellas.

I’d say this is like the Colts hosting the Steelers without Antonio Brown: Real has the players, but can get sleepy and lose. Yeah, and maybe your cellphone can survive a toilet flush. How much should I bet on Real, Nairobi?

From “Money Heist”, the WORST

TITLE TRANSLATION IN HISTORY

via @CasaDePapelARG

Sevilla (6^th) vs. Barcelona (1^st) – 1:45 PM

Oh! Sorry. FUCK REAL MADRID.

Barcelona plays seven games in the next 22 days, and the Injury Report includes key players listed as “Gimpy”: Iniesta, Piqué, and Ter Stegen. Busquets is out—now there’s a “He’s an asshole, but he’s OUR asshole” player. Very good with the ball and better in defense, understated but adept in the Dark Arts (the hidden elbow, the “Shot in the Leg” dive, the kick in the backheel). He’d be a god in Buenos Aires.

Messi did not play in the internationals last week for Argentina, a National Team run with a disdain for order only seen in the current White House. Anyway, Messi has had a sore right leg for some weeks, Barça hosts Roma on Wednesday in the Champions, AND the World Cup is in 79 days. You can bet UEFA and FIFA are ready to intercede in favor of rest. Eh, give it to him. Another Barcelona player can get more workload. You know, the third top scorer in La Liga this season, guy from Uruguay…

I guess Sevilla is getting the short thrift in this post. BUT, this team deserves some love: they bounced ManUre from the Champions AT MANCHESTER. It was a great day for all right-thinking fans of sports—hey, they exist. In theory, I guess. If any are spotted in real life, remember: they may be replicants.

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Crystal Palace (16^th) vs. Liverpool (3^rd)  – Early AF

By the time you read this, the game will be over. And the story would not change: Roy Hodgson is a sketchy character and Jürgen Klopp is the true Son of God. Amen, hatahs.

Man U (2^nd) vs. Swansea City (14^th) – 9 AM?

Man U faces a trophy-less season. The cake Manure fans wanna give to Mourinho, once known as The Special One:

Brighton & Hove Albion (12^th) vs. Leicester City (8^th) – Yeah, 9

I think everyone should watch this game. And let me add another piece of unsolicited, but impeccable, advice:

Newcastle (13^th) vs. Huddersfield (15^th) – 9:00 AM

This match… I’ve seen more wattage on a Christmas lights shop.

IN PUERTO RICO.

Watford (11^th) vs. Bournemouth (10^th) – 9:00 AM

Jesus Christ. Does anybody NOT play in the EPL today? Here’s my observation for this game:

/sighs

I’m at a beach apartment ‘til tomorrow dammit! ?

West Brom (?) vs. Goddamn Burnley (7^th) – 9:00 AM

Well wadda ya know. After I’ve been busting Burnley’s balls for months, they’ve been on a mini-tear. It sucks when events make your scorn look gratuitous. But Burnley’s been 7^th since forever, so I stand by my pettiness.

West Ham (17^th) vs. Soton (? All Aboard the Championship Train Choo Choo! ? 18^th) – 9:00 AM

Both teams are beyond screwed. West Ham fans wanna kill their team’s owners while the club is fighting relegation under the management of failing upwards Golden Boy David Moyes. This is my dream elevator for both teams:

Everton (9^th) vs. Man City (1^st) – 11:30 AM

Win it for teh Hippo!