It’s May dammit! How wonderful. Look at those flowers and clear skies…
[inhales deeply]
[flicks ? at bird]
It’s still a long way for the damn NFL season, but at least there’s high drama in fútbol.
The EPL and La Liga are wrapping up. Each has its champion: Barcelona remains unbeaten in league play and Man City smoked everyone in the 2017 half of the season. However, the World Cup is less than six weeks away
with Barça and City having around 20 international starters for their respective countries. (Total guesstimate.) The only drama there is injury right before the tournament. I’ll say this: if Luis Suárez gets nicked, something’s getting arsoned.
Still up for grabs in each league are entrants to next season’s European tournaments. That ain’t a trophy, but it’s meaty stuff. On the one hand, there’s the chance at continental glory; on the other hand, cash money.
The EPL and La Liga each get seven teams into European tournaments. (Maybe more.) According to the rules, the top four of the EPL and La Liga go to next year’s Champions League, considered the Majors of club fútbol, due to prestige and dough. Next season, the prize money for only making the tournament is $18 million per team. A win in the group stage (six games total) will get a team an additional $3.2 million; get a draw, collect $1.1 million. Teams reaching the knockout stage get an additional $11.4 million, and the prize money for advancing to each round increases until the Final: $18 million for reaching it, $22.8 for winning it.
Places 5-7 in the EPL and La Liga go next season to Triple A: the Europa League. For this year, participant teams received $12.7 million just for reaching the group stage. Plus, the Europa winner earns an automatic berth to the Champions League for the next season and $68.5 million in accumulated winnings. Those sums will increase for next season, so the Europa is hardly the Chopped Liver Cup.
And while those teams finish the season playing for future riches and dreams of glory, the bottom teams scrap to survive. A relegated club faces a sudden drain of money, talent, and reputation. Plus, I suppose, a lot of “You think you’re better than me?” taunts by the new B-league opponents. By contrast, next season the Browns can go 0-16 again and would still be on the AFC North, get the first pick in the draft, receive 1/32 of the billions in league revenue for teams, and cement their reputation.
So let’s have a look at the EPL and La Liga tables, and gauge the prospects of the top and bottom.
(All times Central)
LA LIGA
Girona vs. Eibar – 6 AM
Eibar, thank you for participating. Girona has an outside chance at the Europa place for 7th place. Pretty amazing, given that this is the club’s first year in the top flight. Forward Cristhian Stuani is Girona’s star, he’s the fifth top scorer in La Liga with 19 goals, and is having the best season in his career at 31 years old. He’s also an Uruguay international, so I’d politely suggest some light calisthenics before the game and a massage during it.
Athletic Bilbao vs. Real Betis – 9:15 AM
Athletic Bilbao plays out the string without shame or glory, Real Betis has clinched an Europa entry and can’t improve.*
* Unless Valencia fails to get a point** in three games.
** Fat chance.
Celta Vigo vs. Deportivo La Coruña – 11:30 AM
The relegation picture in La Liga is set. R.I.P. El Depor. You were the best of the worst, and will never be forg—is that a penny? Oh, it’s some lint. Celta Vigo, arithmetic says you got a chance to finish 7th. Let’s have a look at your record:
Villarreal vs. Valencia – 1:45 PM
Valencia had a torrid start until it lost its first game in December, the start of a 3 wins and 6 losses stretch up to February. Otherwise, they’ve been pretty good, with expected results against the top three: a draw and a loss each against Barcelona and Atlético, with a loss against Real Madrid–whom it defeated in January, when it was the hipster thing to do. But it also has a game in hand, which is enough to clinch Europa but still fall short of the Champions.
ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Man City already qualified for the Champions. So did ManUre; with 77 points to go with three games left, the worst it can finish is 4th—thus already securing a berth to be knocked out by a lesser team in next season’s Champions. So two of the four Champions seeds assigned to the English are taken.
And now, the bottom of the EPL table:
Woof. It looks like any team south of Lester can, in theory, get banged down to the Championship. Still, 40 points seems like a good rule of thumb to forecast survival.
Stoke City vs. Crystal Palace – 6:30 AM
Stoke’s mostly ded. Still, what I would give for Stoke to blast Palace 4-0, in light of the latest Roy Hodgson paean.
Bournemouth vs. Swansea City – 9:00 AM
Swansea closes hosting Soton and Stoke. So no matter what happens in this game (Go Cherries), Swansea gets the chance to bury the two teams clawing at its heels. So he Welsh control their relegation. Whatever happens, it’s deserved.
In short, Swansea: beat Soton or gtfo.
Leicester City vs. West Ham United – 9:00 AM
West Ham will remain in the EPL because the last three are terrible. Lester is pretty much locked at 9, which is intriguing…
Watford vs. Newcastle – 9:00 AM
Whatever. Both remain in.
West Bromwich Albion vs. Tottenham Hotspur – 9:00 AM
West Brom’s out. Spurs win and are practically in the Champions. Yep.
Everton vs. Soton – 11:30 AM
OK. Suppose Everton locks up the #8, which should happen after they beat Soton. Please.
Now,
BONUS COVERAGE
Chelsea vs. Liverpool – SUN 10:30 AM
Burnley is locked at 7th, which is the last Europa place. Everton is kinda pretty much locked at 8. And right now, only 3, 4, and 5 are in some mix for two Champions and one Europa place:
3. Liverpool (2 games left) – 72 points (78 maximum points) @Chelsea, Brighton
4. Spurs (3 games left) – 71 points (80 points maximum) @West Brom, Newcastle, Lester
5. Chelsea (3 games left) 66 points (75 maximum points) – LIV, Huddersfield, @Newscastle
If Liverpool defeats or ties Chelsea on Sunday, it’s in next season’s Champions League right then and there. Now: suppose Chelsea defeats Liverpool, and then CHE wins out. That’s 75 points. If Liverpool, looking ahead to the Champions League final, ties with Brighton—that’s 73 points and Chelsea finishes 4th and Liverpool 5th, in the Europa League.
Unless, of course, Liverpool defeats Real Madrid in the Final, which would give LIV the separate automatic berth to next season’s Champions. If that happens, Everton would then receive the extra Europa berth. Should this cause dread to Everton fans, they shouldn’t fret. There’s still time for Spurs to fail spectacularly.
Gifs vis giphy.com; tables and info. via soccerstatistics.com; banner via biofieldtuning.com
Boy, I wish NBC would show the odds of this 20 horse race less since they’re so unimportant.
found a funny:
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I could go for a cocktail
My pick is Vino Rosso
Had some chili Colorado and rice and beans. It’s either going to be a really early night or a lot of drunken ramblings in short order.
There’s a horse named Mendelssohn? I guess I know where my rooting interest is.
“So all these horses do is race?”
-M. Vick
Hot Italian sausage-corn salsa, mustard, green relish. That is all.*
*okay, maybe a little light farting later on. That’s it.
Light?!?
Self-igniting
When you do onions & peppers on hot sausage, do you add vinegar?
I never have but now I’m intrigued.
The Kentucky Derby preshow is more overdone than a 52 week pregnancy
Reporter: “What’s the secret to your success?”
Funny Duck: “Horses gotta horse. I’ve always felt that way.”
Reporter:”Well said. [turns to camera] There you have it. A serious duck if ever there was one-despite his name.”
Finally! Bob Costas is here to tell us how much this race means to us.
Why did Southwest Airlines just send me an email reminding me to check in for my flight, but then telling me I can’t check in yet for three more days?
Pinheads.
Maybe you forgot you were going to cali.
Hehehehe. Fair enough. I have forgotten to do a lot of stuff in my life.
That being said…boarding a plane to a jurisdiction where weed is legal has never been one of them.
Because they know you.
“Track is wetter than his lips when entering a Golden Corral. [makes phone-calling gesture] Hey! GC, gimmee a call-I think we can work something out. Foxworthy Sucks!”
-Andy Reid’s agent
Prediction: If the horse Milli Vanilli finishes out of the top three in the Kentucky Derby, his trainer is gonna blame it on the rain.
Speaking of the baffling nhl schedule today and resulting dead zone we are currently in, is it time to fianlly start watching basedball?
I’m watching it right now. Quite enjoyable.
I’m also an upper-middle class, middle-aged white male and when I die, baseball’s going with me.
-Baltimore
Secretariat-the only horse that matters.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V18ui3Rtjz4
I agree. Hey, who’s that at the door?
https://youtu.be/2M9cU40mvfQ
Interviewer: “Kid Rock, which horse are you betting on?”
Kid Rock: “Which one is most racist?”
Interviewer: “What?”
Kid Rock: “What?”
“Well, not Black Beauty, I can tell you that!”
I’m thinking to go into masturbation hibernation long enough (heh, long) until glasses are no longer considered “sexy” and “cool.” If your glasses have non-prescription, non-tinted lenses, kill yourself. If your glasses have 4 inch diameter lenses, kill yourself.
“You Think You Stupid Brits Can Do Ugly Over-The-Top Hats. Hah!”
-A History Of The Kentucky Derby, directed by Ken Burns
So apparently the NHL sent Marchand a “Seriously we mean it this time, stop licking people” after licking Callahan last night.
We will once again put 60 seconds on the clock for jokes, and GO.
Brad Marchand is probably the only professional athlete not welcome in children’s hospitals.
?w=640
My third girlfriend was over-joyed when I figured out how to weaponize my tongue. Brad Marchand seems like a noob.
That probably would have been a perfect shutdown if Callahan had made that retort.
– Mike Tyson
– Marv Albert
He’s such a cunt. Love to see him break an ankle.
I was considering betting a Superfecta for the Kentucky Derby, but now that the track is getting sloppy I don’t know who to bet. No way I’m risking 5 bucks on this.
(yes, that’s a joke)
Also there are a whole lot of stupid looking and soggy hats today in Louisville.
I was just watching a prelim and it’s muddy as a motherfucker. I already dropped my bet in yesterday. “Audible” at 8-1. This nasty track is gonna fuck with everything.
Nice pick.
Audible, Justify, My Boy Jack, and Magnum Moon were gonna be my superfecta. Still might be.
Now we just have to figure out if any of these horses are mudders or if they’re all just fodder.
I bet the farm on Bolt D’Oro
FWIW, sometimes cops really can be cool. If you give them the chance.
I just got pulled for 63 in a 45 (I was actually going faster than that). It’s a back country road I often take, and the speed limit was just reduced from 55 to 45 a month or so ago. I knew that, but today I was driving, lost in my own thoughts and I forgot. NC State Trooper nailed me.
Him: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Yes. Honestly I wasn’t paying attention and had forgotten they dropped the speed limit thru here.
Him: License and registration, please?
Me (as he walks back to his cruiser): Shit.
Him (a couple minutes later returning license and registration but no citation): You’re gonna wanna not speed thru here for a while. We’ll be patrolling it pretty heavily for the next month or so. You’re free to go.
“63 in a 45.”
[opens envelope]
“Title of the book exposing trump’s sex scandals.”
Boom roasted.
“”Nailed it”
– Blair Walsh”
Mr. Ayo
“45 mph, are they insane?” -Mayor Bill De Blasio
/City speed limits were lowered a few years ago from 30 to 25. It’s as rage-inducing as you’d expect.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
eat shit, Hughes. Fluke goal of all fluke goals. I’ll take the $135 for the Draw too, HAIL GAMBLOR!!
Holy shit
Let’s see: Start the Win/Nash game at 3:00 and go up against Absolutely Nothing until 5:00 when NBA playoffs start, and fans attending the game can still have a great night out in Nashville afterwards?
OR!
Start a game in Tennessee at 9:45 and pit the charisma and charm of Winnipeg vs Nashville directly up against The LeBron James Show, while simultaneously keeping fans in the coliseum till 1:00 in the goddamn morning?
You know which way Bettman went. Is this even good business? How much more do they make on advertising during night games?
“Dear NBC, please put my league on your tv please.”
Can’t risk meddling with that sweet sweet Derby pre-race show!
“Off…Fence…?”
-Everton
“Yo, Shida! Ya done fucked up!”
iVamos hijo’s de Batman!
Saints are NAWT even playing they #1 keeper FFS
Losing the home finale (but I bet the Blues equalize late) to fucking Mark Hughes-led Soton (I get him and Pardew confused, both are thundercunts). At least the fans are booing, rightly.
FAT SAM OUT!!!
I do love me some Eibar. It’s a tiny club from a tiny town in the middle of the Basque mountains. Here is their stadium:
I want to live there now.
I drove on that freeway. It’s beautiful. I really think you would like it. You would just have to learn Euskara.
Why? They gave up.
No one speaks it. It’s not like Catalunya, where last I read it’s spoken by 75% of the locals. I think the percent of Basque speakers in the region is still like 25%.
“Whatever. My favourite team is Rebar.”
-DIY Artist
A dagger for West Brom.
Since Spurs lost, I take it from Don T.’s (Ours) write-up, Everton has something to play for here, yes?
Pity. I have enjoyed their caretaker managers effort.
Mark Hughes is the manager of Southampton. Fuck that club with a rusty spanner.
First time I ever heard the word ‘spanner’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3X3rKtruSg
“Two men say they’re Jesus. One of them must be wrong.” is a brilliant goddamn line.
“Scramble in the Box”: Soccer parlance for a chaotic situation in front of the goalie where no one has possession. Also, the name that members of Led Zeppelin gave to their practice of inserting eggs into a groupie’s vagina after the fish was done.
Fun Fact! Robert Plant’s first post-Zep group was originally called “The Honeydrippers – LITERALLY!!”
The “Sea of Love” video was overplayed so much when I was a teener. Garbage.
“A Cagey Affair”: Soccer parlance for ‘nothing much is happening’. Also, code for pandas trying to reproduce in a zoo setting.
Who’s the guy that spray-painted his head white?
“I like his style.”
-Don T.
/Not our Don T.
“It’s a good start.”
-same not Don T.
I am drinking my tea while flipping between footy & cricket. I couldn’t feel more colonial unless I was embroidering the Queen’s head onto a pillow.
I didn’t realize she was done using it.
We did it back in ’76, and we’ll do it again, dammit!
-France, 1793
Oriol Romeu-
Biggest Strength: excellent pace
Biggest Weakness: pictures of picture frames
Nothing like going out to mow the lawn for the first time of the year and discovering the battery is dead.
Those AA’s rarely hold their charge over the winter.
-Bad, but opportunistic, plastic surgeon
It’s a 12 volt. After I finish lunch I’m going to go jump it off the car. What’s the worst that could happen?
Oh, cool; mine’s 13 volts though.
Spinal Tap’s battery only goes up to 11. smgdh.
I have several questions.
A battery powered lawn mowing machine? What are ya, a limp wristed no chin commie? Did we level the Vietnamese countryside with batteries? No, we used weaponized gasoline, and how did that turn out?
/mows lawn with napalm
//explains to the police that the Montessori school next door had it coming
We should have! -Philly fans
Don’t forget the Agent Orange. You don’t have to mow the lawn when the earth is poisoned for a decade.
“Lovely Idea”: In soccer parlance, a cheeky pass that failed.
Fun fact: my Everton neighbour has bought some Real Madrid t-shirts for his kids to wear for the three weeks leading up to the Champions final, so the Liverpool neighbour knows what’s what.
So this Geelong-GWS match….
Woof
I forgot to tip. Fuck.
Hehehe
Screw you, hippie
The 12:30 match will be the cuntiest fixture of the Premiership season. Alan Pardew, Saints, and the Gravy Boat. Christ on a Bike.
I’ll know I’m having a stroke when I read one of Hippos soccer comments and actually understand it.
He doesn’t like the Southhampton team, who are called the Saints. As they are Sill’s team, I am with Hippo on this, and very much hope they get relegated.
Everton’s manager, (that’s “Coach” in American Footballese), is Sam Allardyce. Sam is a) not a very good manager, b) something of an asshole, and c) fat, so people call him names. Like Gravy boat.
I have no idea who Alan Pardew is.
Doesn’t he announce the prizes on Jeopardy! ?
That’s Alex Trebek. I know because I won Jeopardy in 1998 and got to talk to him twice.
It was as underwhelming as you’d expect, and the TV I got for my runner-up prize up and died.
WOO!!!! Albion!!!!
/I feel good for my man Gareth Barry. Plus #HailGAMBLOR
also, Darren Moore seems like the ideal Cool Black Guy manager ,, no ofence
Did you put a few skinoots down on West Ham? I thought they might fit your GAMBLOR profile today.
they should’ve, but I ain’t. Missed a few, but back even for the day thanks to Spartak Moskva! Strong XI!!!
So, Soccer Nerds…NBCSN is acting like Stoke City getting relegated is big news. My question is…why are they surprised?
Also, Stoke City v Crystal Palace sounds like a battle from one of the Star Wars movies. Just saying.
Tips cap. Hello, soccer nerd reporting for duty.
They have been up a while. Kind of like when Fulham got relegated who at the time the 7th longest team in the prem. Stoke has been up a long time as well, always lower mid table. However fuck Stoke City they play terrible futbol and use stupid long throw ins.
They made a meal of being dead middle of the table every season. You could set your watch by Stoke in 8th-12th position.
Until their anti-footballing caught up with them and the bottom dropped out.
Which is why Everton can’t be complacent about their current rut. We have to tear out the rot immediately or risk the same fate.
Welp. I gotta drive to Boone and collect OrangeJello’s stuff from her dorm, so keep the damage to a minimum in the clubhouse and someone, please, get Doc’s RV out of the conservatory today?
Later, Taters!
Awwww….now I wanna go to Boone. I haven’t been up there in way too long.
I hear they have a good farm up near Boone.
There’s nothing good about that farm.
– said no drunk sorority chick ever
Heeelllooooo over here – cougars
Hai there! Seems Fox’s Spokane affiliate is running Bundesliga right now. Curios and curioser.
“I’ll say this: if Luis Suárez gets nicked, something’s getting BIT.”
Fixed that for you.
found a funny:
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Talking futbol?
Disappearing gif…loading…
Contractual obligation: met.
From Vladivostok to Stoke on Trent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkpyZws4bJ8