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OK, I lied. There’s no tale of wonder and/or magic here. It’s a random-assed Wednesday in August. The most exciting thing in sports tonight is…ummmm… the Women’s World Cup? Holy Hell, how did I end up volunteering for this?
Anyhoo, let’s talk about something vaguely football related today.
I saw where The Ringer made Aaron Rodgers Commissioner For a Day. While that seems like a fun idea, I wanted to try my hand at solving the thorny issues of the NFL myself, so this evening, I’m declaring myself NFL Commissar of the Evening, and throwing down some proclamations.
First off, we’re fucking done with the national anthem controversy. I’m solving it right now.
When the NFL stops selling beer and nachos during the anthem and requires all of the patrons to stand and face the flag during the singing of the anthem, nobody has to stand. Plus, do you stand for the anhem in your house? Do you change the channel during it? See, nobody fucking CARES.
So here’s my solution. If players want to protest, great. If teams feel that the players are not worth the headache, they can be released. Nobody has to employ you. Nobody has to give you a platform to speak. You can be removed from a private institution (although with their tax-exempt status and publicly-funded stadiums, I’m not so sure how private the NFL teams should be, but that’s another discussion) at their discretion.
I would rather live knowing that I let players speak to power and punch up against brutality, so that’s my decision. The teams can release but not punish players for protesting.
Whew! OK, now for the fun stuff.
The catch rule? Jesus, this is not that fucking hard. 2 feet down, ball controlled, catch. It’s like the old definition of pornography – I like what I like, KAITLIN! No, wait, sorry, the old definition of pornography was “I’ll know it when I see it.” That’s a catch. Doesn’t need any more rules.
The same goes for helmet to helmet hits. I want them out of the game because it’s fucking killing people, but sometimes it is unavoidable. As a former terrible high school linebacker, I hit helmet to helmet a bunch because I wasn’t fast enough to not collide with other guys’ helmets. The rule should be – “Hey! That asshole tried to hit that guy in the head!” = Penalty. Accidentally hitting a guy in the head when he lowers his head can’t be regulated. My ruling? The league should have a guy in the booth watching every play up close on film for intent to injure, and he can generate a flag.
Suspensions for off the field shit? For fuck’s sake. Susending NFL players for smoking pot is pathetic. Who does it serve? You remove players from the field for no reason. My ruling? No more suspensions for marijuana. Now, let’s go get high in the OPEN THREAD