Yinzburgh Stillers 2018 Preview

Launch nukes


Launch nukes

Well, holy hell. Wasn’t that AFC Championship Game the throwdown everyone, expected, and deserved? Two titans of the AFC having yet another remtatch to see who is who? Two greats, with history, both recent, and historically, to add to their legacy? Steelers and Patriots, two rivals vying for for supremacy in the American Football Conference? Who doesn’t want to see that display?

Oh, oh, oh, wait, hang on. What’s that? The Steelers lost to the Jaguars in the Divisional Round? Oh…

Fiddle-dee! That will require a tetanus shot!


So, going into this season, there were more than a few issues: long-term contract extension for Le’Veon Bell (NOPE), the future of THE BEN, who will replace Ryan Shazier, BOSS TODD taking the Camaro tour to THE HARDLAND.

All of that was before concentration training camp started. Every day, someone else has suffered potentially serious injuries. Every time I read the paper recapping yesterday’s events, and who went down again, I become Homer and the swear jar.

Antonio Brown: OUT

Bud Dupree: OUT

Artie Burns: OUT

Joe Haden: OUT


Alejandro Villanaueva: FINE! No, he’s out, too.

By the time this post goes up, Maurkice Pouncey will contract dysentery, Juju Smith-Schuster will be crushed by a falling safe, and Cam Heyward will trip into the Springfield Mystery Spot.

Seriously, what in the crap? How does this happen in the first ten days of training camp? Personally, I blame the current CBA, which forbids players and coaches from even speaking on the phone during the off-season. Ugh.

Anyway, so you want a 2018 Stillers preview? No? Fair enough, but, here it is.

To be honest, I have no idea what this season will be. On paper, the Stillers should win no less than ten games, win the division, and challenge for a first-round bye in the playoffs. Again, on paper. With so, sooooooooooo many key players already hurt, who the hell knows? The coaching staff and front office keeps saying none of these early injuries are significant. Maybe they’re not. They also said the same thing about second-round pick Sean Spencer’s knee in 2012; he never played a down in his first two pro seasons as a Steeler, because of said “minor” injury. If we’re already banged up this much before a preseason game has been played, who can make a logical conclusion for later? Maybe most, if all, come back, and lead this team to a historical season. Maybe most can’t, and those that do slog through an injury-filled and less-than-mediocre season.

Once again, if THE BEN and the main core stay (or get) healthy, Super Bowl number seven is attainable. If this pattern of injury remains, this team might win the otherwise manure AFC North, and lose the Wild Card Game to… uh, Buffalo, maybe?

Thing is, I know none of you reading this will feel any sort of pity, remorse, or even consideration to me, a Steeler fan. And you know what, you’re right. The Steelers are just as shitty as any other franchise in the NFL, we just manage to hide it better. The Rooneys, again, on paper, are a fine, upstanding group of owners. They don’t overreact, they often don’t make bad decisions, and they like playing the long game. It’s served them well over the last almost five decades. That said, they let James Harrison (2008 Defensive Player of the Year!) stay on, after he was charged with battery, and letting his dog attack children. That same offseason, they quickly cut fourth-string receiver Cedric Wilson, after he was also charged with battery. Those charges were later dropped, after he was released. We still have THE BEN. THE BEN might have become a better person through the years, but, he’s still THE BEN. Enough said. Our Yinzer fans are supposed to be “higher” than those in the Dawg Pound or Black Hole. We’re just as bad, probably worse, due to our self-delusion. For every visiting fan who said they, “had a great time with Steelers fans! They were so nice!” there are another half-dozen others saying a drunken, shirtless guy from Carrick screaming at an eight-year-old in a Bills jersey, “HOW MANY RINGS DO YOU FUCKERS HAVE?!?!” And I’ll cheer when they score, because I am also a horrible person.

So, I will continue this exercise in self-loathing. Some people (looking at you Balls) made the right choice, and quit. I cannot. I was born here, I was raised here, and while I left for a decade, I returned. This is my heroin. I can’t kick it, no matter how bad I feel about supporting it. It’s literally part of my DNA.

Optimistic outlook: 12-4, first round playoff bye

Worst-case scenario: 6-10

I’ll still be watching on game days, because I suck. Fuck me. #HereWeGo

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This was great.



Don T

Great preview. I’d say “dynamite”, but I haven’t finished my flow chart of whether “titans [sic] of the AFC” was a slight.

King Hippo

Christ and Sonny Jeebus, #ThePauls are taking this stinker at 8-8, ain’t they?

/and Hippo tole yinz Odd Week Jaguras was a comin’, you had plenty of time to prepare youse feels


Don’t look at me. I’ve only been giving your team my full and complete ill will and it has only resulted in a crapton of championships and the respect of scholars and history.


Boss Todds tour of the HARDLAND.
Gold. Pure Gold.


Your abject resignation is a positive lesson for us all.

Senor Weaselo

Antonio Brown’s the Madden ’19 cover. They’re boned.
/But Dreamboat didn’t die
//Except internally after dropping that pass?


Me thinks Brown is “injured” as opposed to being injured. He doesn’t need to go through training camp. He knows the plays

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Putting an 8 year-old in a Bills jersey is considered prima facie evidence of child endangerment in 22 states.

Ian Scott McCormick

Fries go outside the sandwich


But what about Geelong?


My wife told me that I’m not allowed to watch the NFL in our house during this season. I plan to watch it in the yard instead, like a dog.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

One of our neighbors (50-60 years old) has a big flat-screen on one interior wall of his garage so that he can watch TV while he smokes.

You know his wife set these rules that he could only smoke in the garage so that he would quit. But no matter how cold, he’s out there every night, usually in a wife-beater for at least an hour. He’s become something of a hero to the other guys in the neighborhood, who call him The Unconquered.

Actually, we call him Don. But you get the drift.


Get a propane firepit and a blanket. You can watch it into December.

My father and I watched pro and pro-am FB like that one year and it was the best football experience I’ve ever had.


You forget we live in LA. We will be in shorts in December.


Yeah, and if the fire shifts, you won’t need the firepit.


I’ll still be watching on game days, because I suck. Fuck me.

I’m pretty sure we all feel that way with the way this league continues to trip over it’s own dick. So at least you’re not alone.


You’re a weak weak man.


– someone with Lou Gehrig’s disease mocking Chad Pennington’s attempt to use the butterfly machine.