Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

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fleshwound_NPG

2nd straight tie? 2nd straight week Factory only working at 1/2 capacity

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CLEVELAND ROCKS!

ArmedandHammered

Boss Todd and Gregg going to sacrifice a kicker later tonight.

litre_cola

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fronkenshteen

Fired

Doktor Zymm

I’ve never felt more disappointed at not watching a Browns game, what happs?

Mr. Ayo

The missed a go ahead XP with 1:16 left

herodotus450

0-0-16 is a-coming

Redshirt

4th & 5, 50+ yard bomb to tie game. Go ahead XP misses wide left.

JustStopDude

HOLYT SHIT!

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

-Blair Walsh

King Hippo

Blair will hunt this guy down for an autograph

King Hippo

annnnnnnddddd a 2nd missed extra point. the Draw dream LIVES!!!

Spur

….reopen the Factory…this fucking kicker.

Fronkenshteen

Hokie!!!!!

Redshirt

BWHAHAHAHHAHAH! The dream lives. 0-0-16!

litre_cola

Holy fuck what a throw!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anybody wanna trade for Duke Johnson?

Gratliff

Well, Eagles are underachieving spectacularly here, but at least they’re getting injured at an unnerving rate.

Spur

CLOSE THE FACTORY!

Mr. Ayo

Oh no, the factory is still open and quite operational.

Redshirt

Holy shit, Ty-Rod!

King Hippo

#ThePauls!!!!

Mr. Ayo

TUH-ROD!

Fronkenshteen

Hey! Njoku is alive!

Doktor Zymm

My plan to make 2 bottles of wine last through the night game is looking woeful

Mr. Ayo

On the plus side, there’s no way Cam remembers that pick.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/looks at FF numbers

BFC is currently beating me in the battle of woeful underachievers.
LMFAO

Doktor Zymm

It appears that I’m being bailed out by my kicker for sitting a TE

Redshirt

Two minute warning already in CLE-NO?! Are they playing a rolling clock or 12 minute quarters or something?

Mr. Ayo

Go go Gabbert. lol

fleshwound_NPG

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Fronkenshteen

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, someone tell Mahomes that he’s not in college anymore.

Spur

comment image

litre_cola

We have reached bananackes in Yinzerville.

Doktor Zymm

If KC doesn’t win this…

fleshwound_NPG

‘Dacteds ded

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, they do that.

LemonJello

Captain Luck has sounded the call to “Charge!” the native encampment.

Spur

Mahomey!

Doktor Zymm

Flag on the play you say? Oh, it’s against PITT somehow, TD stands

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wish I had taken my own advice and ML’d KC.

Mr. Ayo

Can you Digg it?

Fronkenshteen

That was the ugliest TD run in the history of footed ball. Cheers Matt Ryan.

JustStopDude

Fucking Browns…

Gatoraids

this Sadness Factory is fully operational I assure you

Spur

HOLY SHIT Cousins Bomb

Fronkenshteen

Not Thielen not Thielen not Thielen

theeWeeBabySeamus

Da Fuq is up with Antonio Brown??????????????

Doktor Zymm

Da Ben regularly overthrows him, can only connect with Juju

theeWeeBabySeamus

I do love me some JuJu.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Got the assorted rednecks cleared out earlier than I expected.
Time to commence to drankin’ heavily.

Who’s winning?

Mr. Ayo

You are champ. You are.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You misspelled “chump”, but thanks anyway.

litre_cola

The team with the most points….

Doktor Zymm

Karmically?

King Hippo

Meaningless long FG. Nicely done, Jest.

Redshirt

What happened to Brees in N.O.? Is this a Wild Cat or is he hurt?

Col. Duke LaCross

Mormoncat

Fronkenshteen

He was at the top of the screen. Far left wideout.

King Hippo

FACK! At least leave me a FG

Mr. Ayo

Welp, there you go!

Doktor Zymm

Statistical concept commentators don’t understand #413 : Small sample size

herodotus450

Hey leave Brett Favre out of this.

King Hippo

only good thing I can say about FF is that my money league foe left Mason Crosby on the bench

/I know, who the fuck carries two kickers?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Perhaps he’s been watching too much skip bayless. He’s still trying to make the Mason Crossbar nickname stick cause he’s still salty about the playoff game.

Doktor Zymm

Crosby is my main consolation for sitting James

fleshwound_NPG

‘Dacteds now need Alex Smith to throw further than 5 yard outs

Gratliff

That’s how you tear a rotator cuff

Redshirt

Oh, when the say you can watch CBS All Access to watch NFL Games, that’s full of bullshit. You can only watch the game being showed in the CBS station in your area, even if your are out of town and want to watch your team play.

herodotus450

“Oh you thought you were going to pay $10 a month for something that would otherwise cost 50 a month? Pathetic.”
-Roger G.

Redshirt

Spoken from his own personal Money Bin.

Gratliff

The Alex Smith era is exactly what I expected it to be

King Hippo

LMAO, fuck off Redacteds!