There may be no more clearer evidence of the team’s regression than the task of writing this falling to me. Folks, our beloved Iggles are pedestrian as fuck. Hangover isn’t the word for it. It’s not like they’ve just collapsed. They’re on the “I just got the promotion I was gunning for and it’s smooth sailing from here on out” bullshit. No need to try ‘cause we already did the fucking thing. Jim Schwartz hooked up an Xbox in his office. The offensive line is taking 90-minute lunches on Monday. Doug’s got xhamster open in an incognito Chrome window because he hasn’t been told that IT figured out how to set up SSL inspection on the web filter this year and can see every disgusting thing he does. Food fetish videos featuring chubby men? I mean, it makes sense. Coming up under the Reid tree will do that to you, but leave that shit at home, Doug.
Week 1 – Clearing out the DVR
Eagles-Falcons reshoot the Divisional game from January with Nick Foles recast as QB and prove that the Eagles are the new Patriots and Steve Sarkisian is garbage. One of those statements is still true.
Week 2 – Ryan Fitzpatrick is the future of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Eagles get fucking murked by Audition Mode Fitzmagic. The Eagles are bad, Foles is bad, the secondary is actively working to undermine the team, but Carson’s gonna come back next week and remind us why he should have been last year’s MVP.
Week 3 – Rolling in the Derp
Carson Wentz does nothing to remind us why he should have been last year’s MVP. 1 TD, 1 pick, 1 fumble lost. He was every Browns QB since the expansion. He was also sacked 5 times in his first fucking game back from a serious injury. They can thank the Colts for being the hottest garbage and they STILL had to come from behind to win.
Week 4 – The Ghost of Andy Past
Wentz improved a bit. Still getting sacked way too much, and gave up another fumble, but definitely getting back into the rhythm. Eagles force it into OT with a field goal with 20 seconds left to go, then kick a field goal on the opening drive of overtime. With a minute left, Titans have a 4th and 2 from Philly’s 32. Instead of going for the tie, they give the Eagles a chance to end the game. Eagles respond by giving up a 17-yard completion, then a TD completion with 17 seconds to go. This secondary is a fucking joke. Jalen Mills is trash. I don’t care how much interference he got away with against Julio Jones in the NFC Championship. This had the vibe of a frustrating Reid-era loss. Andy had Jim Johnson to cover up all his shortcomings. Jim Johnson’s fucking skeleton is 10 times the coach Jim Schwartz is. Fire that motherfucker already.
Week 5 – WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?
In a manner similar to the Buccaneers game, Eagles went on some bullshit near the end to make it seem like they actually had a chance of winning this game. Future Hall of Okayer Kirk Cousins rolled for 3 quarters and then sat back and watched the Eagles load up on garbage time fantasy points in the last quarter for the win. It was the most impressive thing I’ve seen since Stefon Diggs scored on the absolute last play of last year’s playoffs, at least as far as Mike Zimmer seemed to notice. Fun fact: For every Dan Bailey shank, the Eagles offered up a crippling fumble: One by Ajayi at the Vikings’ 5, and one by Wentz that was taken back for a score. This is the kind of shit where you start catching on that the year is gonna suck. On the bright side, this week is a favorite anniversary of mine, as we celebrate 8 years since this happened:
Week 6 – Juicebox Hero
The Eagles were physically incapable of even slowing down Saquon Barkley. Pat Shurmur responded by putting the ball in the hands of this guy at every possible opportunity:
Sorry. I meant this guy:
We don’t need to talk anymore about this game. Eagles may as well have been facing a Pop Warner squad.
Week 7 – Social Justice Update
Even Malcolm Jenkins, the man who’s famously been working for criminal justice reform and even invited a man convicted of murder when he was a minor as his guest at the Super Bowl, got out-woke in the middle of the field with a national audience by an Eric Reid on a whole other level of no fucks giving. Reid publicly called Jenkins a sell-out and looked like he was about to throw at his own fucking teammate, Torrey Smith, who also happened to be part of the movement from last year, and then had Kaepernick announce he was Team Reid during the game. It’s the 4-4 of Social Justice. Jenkins will get all the credit for being a class act through it all, but man. It’s like watching a guy you know is just a great dad and all-around good dude get punked by some rando at a bar. Like, yeah man, I get it, but goddamn, how are we gonna hang out at a cook-out and banter when all I want to do is make a joke about you flinching? Bad look for a good man. On the bright side, Eagles rolled all over the Panthers and went up 17-0 at the end of the third quarter and nothing noteworthy happened after that.
Zach Ertz was kind enough to provide us a visual representation of both the coin toss and the game itself.
Week 8 – Jags need to lay low for a while
6 weeks later, Carson looks fully-formed. He’s doing the things and throwing the shit and getting the it done. The super hungover Jags D let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to, starting at the end of the first half. Not to be outdone, the fifth column that is the Eagles secondary did everything in its power to give the game away at the end, but their sabotage is nothing in the face of Blake Bortles’ mediocrity, and despite their best efforts, the Eagles failed to give away another fucking 4th quarter lead. The Jaguars are perpetually inepter—which Word is telling me is an actual word—as an organization, so not much can be made of what happened here. Half the Jaguars spent the game eye-balling the exit, trying to figure out how fast they can escape the country since they managed to rack up a $65,000 bar tab and got arrested trying to skip out on the bill. In their defense, they only play in London every other week. If they lose one more game like this, they’re going to find Bortles cosplaying as Henry Winkler in Scream.
Where do we go from here?
Eagles get 5 of their 6 division games in the last 8 weeks of the season. I’d be shocked if they lose more than one. Andy Reid made a long career out of being very good at beating NFC East teams and I expect his protégé to maintain that tradition. On the other hand, they have Saints, Rams, and Texans coming up and those games have huge embarrassment potential. I don’t have a lot of faith in the Eagles right now, but they are somehow still in a better position than the rest of the division. The Cowboys are probably gonna revolt when Jerrah trades their second round pick to New England for a dinner date with Giselle. The Giants couldn’t beat William Penn University right now. Alex Smith is the 13th best passer in the division. Meanwhile, Eagles aren’t bad. They’re just coming back to Earth. Wentz has 1500 yards in 6 games with a 71% completion rate and only 1 pick even behind a shaky, oft-injured O-line. The fumbles are problematic as fuck, but that’s always the tradeoff with an elusive QB with a tendency to make big plays while scrambling. The Ertz-Goedert TE combo is going to be very good for a long time. The running backs are super good at lining up behind the offensive line before the snap, and the receivers have hands as evidenced by the fact that they wear gloves. The defensive front is still a nightmare for opposing QBs, while the back 7 is a nightmare for me, personally. Even if they go 8-8, I think they take the division before going on to be embarrassed by New Orleans in the Wild Card round as they are want to do. At the end of the day, I’m cool with whatever happens this season. Fuck you. I got mine.