The 500s, officially known as the Houston Texans, are winning at an over .500 pace. Their record past the halfway (.500!) mark is either 5-4 or 6-3 depending on what happened when Demaryius Thomas met his ex-girlfriend.
(Update: he didn’t quite do as too many NFL players do in an elevator or in their houses or arrange for others to do their dirty work while they have the alibi of being in another city: He didn’t really beat the shit out of her.
6 3 receptions, 146 61 yards, 2 0 TDs. Screw you for messing up a joke, Demaryius!)
So, the 6-3 Texans are on the verge of losing their invisibility cloak.
Truth be told, this is an exciting and promising team!
I mean, looking at this fooking roster!
The offense is stacked with a healthy Deshaun Watson, Demaryius Thomas, DeAndre Hopkins, Sammie Coates, Julie’n “Don’t call me Najeh” Davenport, Lamar Miller, and Alfred Blue. Heck, even Brandon Weedon is a proven veteran backup that can win a game or two in a pinch!
The O line has been solid and, more importantly, has so far protected Watson well and prevented another injury like the one that derailed last year’s season.
The defense has a lot of big names that have played up to their reputations/expectations like J.J. Watt, Jadeveon Clowney, Whitney Mercilus, and Tyrann Mathieu (the Honey Badger LIVES!).
Heck, even Iron Mike Tyson is out of retirement and playing like the monster that raped Miss America contestants (ok, just one) and bit Holyfield’s ear off! (To borrow a phrase from Game Time Decision, this may or may not be true. Don’t care.)
In any case, for as much praise that Hippo is throwing around at the LA Lambs, I honestly feel this team could not only challenge for the AFC berth in the Super Bowl, but, if they were to make it, would be able to handle any contender from the NFC.
Here are the teams they’ve played so far:
That’s six wins in a row after a tough loss to the Pats on opening day, a tough divisional loss to the Titans, and an inexplicable loss to the shitty Giants.
Seriously, how the fuck did that happen?
Here is the schedule to finish the year:
Seems manageable, doesn’t it? I mean, divisional games are always tough, but their non-division opponents are the Jets, Browns, Washington, and Eagles. That’s probably three wins out of four. Take care of business within the division and that’s an AFC South championship with a home playoff game in the Wild Card round.
In 2016, the Brock Lobster-led Texans WON a Wild Card game against the Raiders at home before losing to the Patriots on the road.
(“Sigh. Only TWO years?!? Seems like forever ago!” – Rikki Tikki Deadly)
That 2016 team was due for bigger things last year until Deshaun got hurt and the team missed the playoffs.
This should be the year they make that delayed leap.
But they need to improve. I mean, how do you lose to the fucking Giants and then escape by the Broncos thanks to the kicker missing a field goal? This is not a proven success strategy.
But it is lucky and sometimes teams just need a little luck to get over the hump.
And now, Obligatory:
Ok, laters taters! I’m off to buy a Ford F150.