Your “Low-Scoring Games Can Be Exciting!” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Good evening, ladies and silly men. Were you to start up your own football league would you put the word “Freedom” in the title? Well, guys like Ricky Williams, Jeff Garcia, Terrell Owens and Simeon Rice thought just that very same thing and beat you to the (not attached in any way to a domestic violence ‘incident’) punch. The Freedom Football League is going to pretend to launch in 2020. Where is the funding going to fall short? Well, from private folks and the issuance of bonds because money falls from the sky these days and alternative professional football leagues have a long track record of success and profitability.

You know those tents on the sidelines for injured players? In this league there’ll be nothing but pergolas. Team physicians will be replaced by spiritual advisers. Replay officials? This is 2020 people! From now on remote viewers will be contacted in their lair in the hills of Wyoming for their interpretation of what constitutes a catch and by gum, they’re gonna get it more righter than the NFL ever did. Welcome to the future.

TO THE GAME!

JAX/TEN:

Hey, it’s the last quarter of the season (Quarter? Did someone say quarter? -Jim Tomsula) and unless you’re in a dumbass fantasy league that plays its champeenship in Week 18 when starters get rested, your ass might just be on the line. Not that you’d be playing fellas in this game… As for this tilt… oof. Who will win the Battle of The Incredibly Disappointing Running Backs? My money is on ‘neither’ because Fournette and Henry both don’t deserve to have anyone depend on them for a victory. Get ready for tired old phrases like ‘clock control’, ‘field position’, ‘defensive struggle’, ‘what else is on?’, ‘the toast is done’, ‘I’m leaving you’, ‘these pants don’t fit any more’, ‘are there any doctors on board?’, ‘I told you she was dead’ and of course, ‘it was like that when I got here’.

Shed some inhibitions. Just not right here, right now.

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
270 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes! Scorigami still on the table!

King Hippo

ah want 7-4 or 10-4 good buddy

litre_cola

This is some historic Jaguras Offense here

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

How the fuck do you not make that throw?

King Hippo

oh God, I coulda thrown that FB screen

blaxabbath

I don’t get the chain measurement. If you trust your eyes to place the back post in the right spot, why not just run it out from the first down marker?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think there’s a third guy who keeps track of where it is against one of the field lines.

King Hippo

Kessler’s 25-yard Hail Mary

King Hippo

oh God, this is so far past Tom Coughlin’s bedtime, y’all

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really will drink a bottle of champagne when Dick Cheney dies. There are only a few people in this world that I think are truly evil, and he is one of them.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

My father and I have a pact that when Mitch McConnell croaks we’re getting lobster tails. I eagerly await that day.

blaxabbath

Yeah – Mitch McConnell deserves to be like that guy in Se7en they tied to the bed.

In the name of Our Lord. Amen.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Chuck Grassley is a strong candidate for that as well.

King Hippo

Susan. Collins.

Redshirt

I would’ve gone with lust.

King Hippo

he shot a guy in the FUCKING FACE and the face-shot fucker apologized

Redshirt

In his defense, he was in front of the gun. Its Gun Safety 101.

King Hippo

still, though – hey man, don’t worry about it should suffice for any non-Sith Lord

/did I use that right? I don’t care for Star Wars

Redshirt

Agreed. If anything I think he was apologizing for the grief Cheney was getting. Still at least we could’ve gotten a “mea culpa” from VP.

Redshirt

Agreed. I’m usually good at finding the good in people. The best I could ever come up with for Cheney is that I’m almost confident he has never eaten a live puppy.

King Hippo

PUSSY! – Nick S., Tuscaloosa, AL

King Hippo

Hardees has gone from oiled up strippers to this paedo-ishly weird bald dweeb in they ad strategy. Perhaps a happy medium should be found?

litre_cola

Bald strippers? I don’t think that works.

King Hippo

I was just gonna pay a hobo to Crisco the weirdo?

/don’t worry, I gave Scotchy a tip for after the shoot

JustStopDude

All Hail DERP!

Col. Duke LaCross

Nice field-awareness.

litre_cola

Safety? I believe that will summon our scorigami gods.

Petronel

Hey, this game now has one reason to be memorable…

King Hippo

Li’l Safety Dance? YA!!

Mr. Ayo

Safety Dance!

Gratliff

oh my god tits

Redshirt

SAFETY GODS ARE PLEASED!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We need a safety deity.

Mr. Ayo

ORLOV’SKOR

Col. Duke LaCross

That would be it!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, I like it!

Redshirt

Dýo Choroús.

Damn it! You already won.

King Hippo

for this match? There ought be MOAR

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thanks for letting me know about your bacteria-ridden chicken, Tyson.

JustStopDude

I am too drunk to watch a Johnny Depp perfume commercial…

JustStopDude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnoumTpLMfk

What the fuck is this? Who is the audience?

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Dudes who hide prostitute bodies near the Sierra Nevada?

blaxabbath

Lotta interracial couples this holiday commercial season. Not for Peloton, of course. But that’s nice.

King Hippo

teh mongrelization of mah country continues unabated!! – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL

litre_cola

Canada too.

King Hippo

must be keeping all 4 of y’all’s black folk right busy, eh?

litre_cola

Well it is the CFL offseason.

blaxabbath

“See what happens when you go pro, Marcus?”
-Chip Kelly from earlier today

JustStopDude

Why in the name of all holy fuck, is anyone allowing Mariota to throw?

King Hippo

he has as much feeling in his tossin’ elbow as Ryan Shazier do his’n nether regions

Sharkbait

This is not the collective that I would picture being behind something called the “Freedom Football League”

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/25470052/former-nfl-players-plan-launch-freedom-football-league

litre_cola

That was a reeeaall bad read Marcus. Very Bortles esque

blaxabbath

Cutting off Fournette ‘s legs makes for an EXTREME graphic.

blaxabbath

Benched Blake Bortles but Cody Kessler can’t keep collecting casual crushings.

Senor Weaselo

All the alliterative songs?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_lNPwqYfGw

blaxabbath

Why doesn’t the Verizon guy wash his hair?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This “Can You Feel It” commercial is a real slap in the face to Ryan Shazier, where he can feel it.

blaxabbath

::Does not nod in agreement::

– Sean Taylor

King Hippo

/especially his fingers and toes ,, smh

King Hippo

hark, the sound of 1000s of 5-8 fantasy owners shooting they TVs at that HenryDOWN

blaxabbath

the original color rush game.

comment image?w=625

King Hippo

coloUr rush

Col. Duke LaCross

“What is ‘Run’?”

~Mike Martz

Sharkbait

–Pete Carroll

Col. Duke LaCross

This turd is on Thursday night every damn year.

WCS

The Rog hath spoken!

Redshirt

All the credit to the early success of the Jaguars and Titans should come with a disclaimer that they were in the same division as the Expansion Browns and the Bengals who were somehow worse. It was unfair to the rest of the AFC that Jacksonville, Tennessee, Baltimore and Pittsburgh started the season at least 3-1.

King Hippo

Time to put the SWAG! back in Swaguars!!

litre_cola

Not if you have the Tits D

herodotus450

Mapplethorpe Leafs down 3-1 early in Nylander’s debut; subtraction by addition??!?!??

King Hippo

SiriusXM First Wave keeps it in rotation!

litre_cola

Fantasy football is what makes this interesting right? RIGHT?

Senor Weaselo

I have Mariota and Davis, but I’m on bye suckaaaaaaazzzzzzz!

litre_cola

Booo this man.

WCS

If you were dumb/drunk/high/asleep or some combination of when you drafted BORT, I guess.

Col. Duke LaCross

If you’re relying on anyone from these teams this late in the season, your fantasy year has already gone tits-up.

rockingdog

found a funny:

ME: and how much oregano do I put in at this point

GRANDMA: oh I’ve been making this for 30 years, I never measure it. You just have to go by feel 🙂

ME: Listen the fuck up you old bat, I’ve been making this for 30 seconds; I don’t feel shit. Tell me how much goddamn oregano

Senor Weaselo
Wakezilla

Huffington Post has an article claiming Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is problematic because Rudolph gets teased. Forgetting for a second that the whole premise is about accepting who you and other people are for a moment, if they’re going to go for the troll bait, why aren’t they talking about Santa’s concentration camp?

Sharkbait

comment image

Sharkbait

Fuck me I forgot there was footed ball tonight. I’ll catch the second half after I finish packing.

WCS

This is a footed ball in the sense that Thunderbird is wine.

Wakezilla

Yeah, you can take your time and sit this one out.

Sharkbait

3 years or all time? If all time, this needs consideration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8

Col. Duke LaCross

This.

yeah right

RIP Mr. Shelley. You’ll be missed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1G0jl0Vc64

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a fucking awesome song. It’s so good.

Wakezilla

Anyone got a site like DHgate that sells DFO’s adoptive team, Young Boys?

Senor Weaselo

And that’s when Wake got a call from Interpol!

Wakezilla

Nah. After my Miami Dolphins interspecies erotica preview post, they stopped tracking me down.

litre_cola

I am hunting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I remember seeing this video (probably on 120 Minutes) and saying “this band is awesome!” Then a couple years later their second album came out and I said “this band sucks!” With particular emphasis on their “song” “I Alone”. I don’t think I’ve ever done a more complete 180 on a band.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eza5-ladgYU

WCS

From York, PA!

Also, Beavis and Butthead’s takedown of “I Alone” is pure gold.

Viva La Tabula Raza

For some reason the photo up top puts me in mind of this shot.comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat…” – the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, upon being informed that Andy Reid is now a customer

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh that’s good.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Me too! I liked that whole album a lot.

WCS

Interesting lyrical content; how naive we were, thinking the end of the Cold War would make things easier.

1 2 3