2018 Quotables – Week 13 (Results)

So it turns out Blax has had a sinus infection this week and is still under the weather. Just call me a hunky fireman because I come to the rescue when needed.

Here are your Week 13 results:


“If you open the scissors, like this they make a good slashing weapon, but if you close them…” – nomonkeyfun


/under his breath
“You know she’s gonna ask you their names. ALL their names. Christ on a cracker, at this point, I’m not even sure how many kids we’ve had.” – Lemonjello


“The TB12 “diet”? Oh yeah, bro, totes legal, nothing to worry about!” – Horatio Cornblower

/winks knowingly

“Ryan is trying to demonstrate an aptronym, however he forgot about the last syllable of his name..” – nomonkeyfun


Hekker did his best to complete the Make-A-Wish kid’s unusual request to play “Pull My Finger” during the game, but Zuerlein refused to cooperate. – LemonJello


I do love me a fart joke!

 

See what happens when they hide meth in the football? – BrettFavresColonoscopy


I  can’t deny a meth joke either.

THIS ATLANTA FALCONS DEFENSE I CALL THEM MY OLD PROCTOLOGIST BECAUSE THEY’RE BLOWING UP THAT BUTTHOLE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT – BrettFavresColonoscopy


Especially appropriate,  don’t you think?

Early Bird special is back at Golden Corral!!! Tommy’s eatin’ tonight!!! – Horatio Cornblower
Call me Balls, ma’am

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King Hippo

Spent all day listening to Patton Oswalt (free streaming on Amazon Prime) and now I want next season’s FF team to be Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

LemonJello

“Oh, that’s good.”
-J. Sandusky, State Correctional Institution – Greene

nomonkeyfun

Today is Roger Sterling and Bill Parcell’s least favorite day.

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http://www.espn.com/nfl/news/story?id=1817592

I would post the audio, but the only version I can find of it is from Jim Rome’s show, and I don’t want to show any disrespect to your Dumbo Ears.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esquire, bought these microfiber towels that we are using as rags. They demand more delicate care than the finest silk. To wit:

For starters, you should never use powdered detergents, fabric softener or bleach for microfiber cloth cleaning, nor should you wash your cloths in hot water. You should also never clean microfiber with cotton, as even the most miniscule lint particles can clog the fibers of your cloth, rendering it useless.

You’re also not supposed to put them in the drier.

LemonJello

Use them once, throw them away and buy more. Simple.

Unsurprised

Yeah. Seriously. That’s the only way.

SonOfSpam

Do not taunt microfiber towels

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There are these camping towels that seem like rubber with tiny fingers, “quick dry”….. those things are excellent. THEY DRY AND MASSAGE YOUR BALLS AT THE SAME TIME. They are great for snapping people; very painful. Best use is in a crowded public camp ground to take a very non-private shower from the solar shower bag (nice and warm to get the balls hanging as far as possible and minimize shrinkage) and take a LONG time to dry yourself off. Bonus points for a boner.

But I digress.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alternate pic of balls as a firefighter:
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Jacket isn’t puffy enough, but otherwise accurate.

LemonJello

This:
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“If you open the scissors, like this they make a good slashing weapon, but if you close them…” – nomonkeyfun

Gets this* from me:
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*It’s no Paul Hollywood handshake, I know.

nomonkeyfun

Dawwwwww, thanks.

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Game Time Decision

I’m obviously bribing the wrong people. Well done

nomonkeyfun

I spent about $500 on fancy underoos for balls this week.

Game Time Decision

Spiderman or Superman?
/Asking for a friend

nomonkeyfun

Scooby Doo. But the ones with Scrappy right at your asshole so you can treat him properly.

Wakezilla

You can’t win them all.

But, also yes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve been negging

Unsurprised

I don’t think you’re allowed to use that word.