Good morning!

Your favorite fifth stringer, Tom Tupa Wakezilla, is filling in for Don T, Hippo, Balls and Litre this morning. I’m not sure why Don T is out, but he was screaming something about La Llorona. I couldn’t exactly hear Hippo’s excuse because someone was pounding on his front door. He said something about legs being broke.

Balls is feeling so deflated, Tom Brady is trying to grab him. Perhaps worst of all, Litre went to Edmonton this week. Poor guy needs a safe space after surviving that dump. Have a spiked hot cocoa, Litre. You deserve it.

It’s Christmas Party season, which means if you’re reading this, you’re probably still drunk or hungover, and possibly a degenerate gambler. (Praise Gamblor!)

On a related note, full disclosure: I am writing this drunk as I recently got in from a Christmas party. So, I apologize if this isn’t the most coherent post in the world. Especially now that I realize the new Word Press is a glitchy piece of shit. I cannot wait to conquer this new method of posting.

First, here is some important lesser footy news you might have missed this week.

Real Madrid and Murder Checkerboards star, Luka Modric, took home the top prize as the best male lesser footy player in the world. Aside from Mordic capturing the imagination of fellow DFOers at the World Cup, this win is significant because it was the first time in ten years someone not named Ronaldo or Messi won the award.

Unfortunately, the award was overshadowed by some dipshit, French DJ Martin Solveig, after he asked the first ever female lesser footy player of the year winner, Ada Hegerberg, if she could twerk.

I really wish Ada would have kicked him in the balls for asking such a stupid fucking question. Once Toddlerzilla grows up and makes half of what Neymar makes and wins this award, I’m instructing her that if anyone asks her a stupid fucking question like that DJ, she better kick the dipshit in the balls and hard. No, we won’t have progressed in society as much as we should by that time.

In other news, one of DFO’s adopted teams, the Semen Padang, lost 2-0 in the championship match against Sleman in the Indonesian league. They played the match at home in their somewhat new grounds, called Semen stadium. It was a sold out crowd, proving once again that if you build it, they will cum.

Also this week, life imitated art as Air Bud: World Pup became real. In Argentina, a stray dog made the save of the week in a tier 3 league match between The Elephants and Juventud Unidad. That save automatically makes that good boy a better keeper than Argentina’s national team goalie, Wilfredo Caballero. Wait a minute. Juventud Unidad? Hey, that’s Young Boys SC, Latino division!

Speaking of DFO’s adopted team, Young Boys are currently in first place in the Super League Table with 45 points. They are playing second place Thun (25 points) today at 11AM Mountain Time. On a related note, it’s worth remembering that Young Boys play at Wankdorf Stadium. I hope I live long enough for them to win the Champions League and then play Newell’s Old Boys in the Pedo Cup FIFA Club World Cup.

Here are some other DFO affiliated teams that are on today’s AM menu:

In the Bolivian league, The Strongest plays Sports Boys at Noon (Mountain Time). . .

Games not on today but worth a watch:

Deportivo Moron plays Mitre in the Argentinian B league on Monday at 6pm . . .

Fuck. I’m sorry. Aside from this new word press being glitchy as fuck, all the teams with funny names either folded around 2011 or are currently in their offseason. At least FC Santa Claus has an excuse to not be playing right now.

Alright, my morale is crushed and I’m getting pretty annoyed with how inconsistent hyperlinks and pictures are working, so, here’s the schedule for the EPL games:

Games worth watching:

Man U vs Fulham: Mourinho’s last stand?

Jose Mourinho has said all the right things this week. He said he is fully committed to United. Probably because he has done such a shitty job, no big club is currently willing to over pay for his over-rated ass.

Last week, Mourinho compared Manchester with  the teams ahead of United in the standings.  Man U’s schedule over the next 5 or so games was favorable and therefore he expected United to enter a top 4 spot. They tied Southampton that day–and looked like dog shit– and have gone on to tie Arsenal. One would think Mourinho is safe because United is through to the round of 16 in Champions League, but, a tie or a miraculous loss against Fulham might seal his fate once the Christmas break arrives. It’s a really weird time we live in when it’s totally conceivable to see United losing to a newly promoted lesser footy club. Litre’s erection grew three sizes reading that.

Chelski vs Man Shitty: Today, we are all Chelski fans.

For the sake of excitement, I hope 4th place Chelski beats 1st place City so we can get some semblance of a title race after the Christmas break.

Fun fact: Man Shitty has not won consecutive top flight matches against Chelski since 1955.

Hot Sperms vs Leicester City: Scorekakke fest?

This should be a great game. Since Leicester was promoted, Hot Sperms/Foxes fixtures have produced 34 goals. Only Arseholes/Liverfailure matches have produce more goals (38).

If none of these games tickle your fancy, La Liga is offering up some YUGE matchups today.

Third place Atletico Madrid (25 points) is playing 4^th place Alaves (24 points). Currently, Atletcio is on a 6 game unbeaten streak against Alaves, with the last 3 games being clean sheets.

Fun fact: Just 67% of Atletico’s goals this season have come inside the box, which is really low. Given their success, I think it’s safe to say Atletico Madrid are currently the pull out kings.

Second Place Sevilla (27 points) takes on Hijos de Batman (17 Points). Only trailing Barcelona by one point, Sevilla needs to take advantage of a Valencia squad that is having a nightmare of a season. Meanwhile, Valencia has to win this game to try and stay relevant for a European spot and to be comfortably away from relegation.

Barcelona (28 points) is facing Espanyol (21 points). Barcelona has owned Espanyol over the past 11 games. Which means, like the Washington Generals, Espanyol is due!

Enjoy the games!