This is my weekly outlook as to who will make the playoffs, who won’t, who will win, and who won’t.
As promised, I’m keeping track of what I say week to week so you can call me out on any bullshit you may see. At the end of the season, I’ll recap and highlight in green any predictions I got right.
If any.
Without further ado, TO THE STANDINGS!
AFC
So, I guess Baltimore is the real deal, huh?
The Ravens strolled into Carson on Saturday night like John Travolta
and took the game from the Chargers, the Division from Pittsburgh, and the need for Viagra away from JJ Fozz and tWBS in one magical Southern California balmy winter evening.
I now DO ABSOLUTELY see Baltimore overtaking the Steelers for the AFC North (even though it would be really fun if the Browns spoiled things but they won’t because they’re the Browns) and possibly making some noise in the playoffs.
Houston, as I thought, did not beat Philly, so that gives New England back the #2 spot and first round bye. Given this week’s results, here are the scenarios for next week:
Baltimore: Win = #4 seed. Loss = Season Over
Pittsburgh: Win and Browns win = #4 seed. Anything else = Season Over
Indianapolis and Tennessee will effectively play a playoff game on Sunday with the winner getting the #6 seed.
Here is how I see them finishing this week:
- Kansas City
- New England
- Houston
- Baltimore
- San Diego
- Indianapolis
Here is the comparison to previous weeks:
| # | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Actual |
| 1 | KC | KC | KC | KC | KC | KC | ||
| 2 | NE | NE | NE | NE | NE | NE | ||
| 3 | PIT | HOU | HOU | HOU | HOU | HOU | ||
| 4 | HOU | PIT | PIT | BAL | PIT | BAL | ||
| 5 | LAC | LAC | LAC | LAC | LAC | LAC | ||
| 6 | BAL | BAL | BAL | PIT | BAL | IND |
AFC Playoffs
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Actual | |
| WC1 | PIT>BAL | PIT>LAC | PIT>LAC | PIT>HOU | PIT>LAC | HOU>IND | ||
| WC2 | HOU>LAC | HOU>BAL | HOU>BAL | BAL>LAC | BAL>HOU | BAL>LAC | ||
| D1 | NE>PIT | NE>HOU | NE>HOU | NE>BAL | NE>PIT | NE>HOU | ||
| D2 | KC>HOU | PIT>KC | KC>PIT | KC>PIT | KC>BAL | KC>BAL | ||
| C | NE>KC | NE>PIT | NE>KC | NE>KC | NE>KC | NE>KC |
The matchups have changed yet again, but the results will be the same. In a magical world, we could get a Houston-Baltimore matchup instead of New England-Kansas City in the AFC Championship.
It would certainly be nice, but I just don’t think it will happen.
NFC
The Cowboys were able to wrap up the division thanks to the Buccaneers sucking big sweaty pirate balls. The Eagles are still hot though and all they need to sneak in is a Chicago Bear victory over the Vikings in the last week!
The Seahawks are solidly in the #5 spot and in Sunday Night showed they can beat anyone. They will be tough come playoff time.
Meanwhile, the Saints took the #1 seed by beating the Steelers in a game that I thought was actually closer than expected. Too bad the Steelers could never figure out how to be consistent this season.
The race for the last Wild Card spot is down to the Eagles and Vikings. If the Vikings beat the Bears, they are in. If not, and the Eagles beat the Potato Skins, then the Eagles are in.
I think the Eagles will win out and the Bears will beat the Vikings on the last weekend of the regular season.
Here is how I see them finishing this week:
- Saints
- Rams
- Bears
- Cowboys
- Seahawks
- Eagles
Here is the comparison to previous weeks:
| # | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Actual |
| 1 | LAR | LAR | LAR | NO | NO | NO | ||
| 2 | NO | NO | NO | LAR | LAR | LAR | ||
| 3 | CHI | CHI | CHI | CHI | CHI | CHI | ||
| 4 | DAL | DAL | DAL | DAL | DAL | DAL | ||
| 5 | CAR | SEA | SEA | SEA | SEA | SEA | ||
| 6 | SEA | CAR | PHI | PHI | PHI | PHI |
NFC Playoffs
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Actual | |
| W1 | SEA>CHI | CHI>CAR | PHI>CHI | CHI>PHI | PHI>CHI | PHI>CHI | ||
| W2 | CAR>DAL | SEA>DAL | SEA>DAL | DAL>SEA | SEA>DAL | SEA>DAL | ||
| D1 | SEA>LAR | SEA>LAR | LAR>PHI | CHI>LAR | SEA>LAR | SEA>LAR | ||
| D2 | NO>CAR | NO>CHI | NO>SEA | NO>DAL | NO>PHI | NO>PHI | ||
| C | NO>SEA | NO>SEA | NO>LAR | NO>CHI | NO>SEA | NO>SEA |
I continue to think that the Cowboys, Bears, and Rams make too many mistakes at critical times. That really only leaves Philly, Seattle, and the Saints as veteran teams that can go all the way.
I still say that the NFC Championship will be the real Super Bowl as the winner will handle New England in The Asshole.
Superb Owl
Saints beat New England.
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Actual |
| NO>NE | NO>NE | NO>NE | NO>NE | NO>NE | NO>NE |
***
Go ahead and tell me I’m stupid!
The way the season has unfolded, I don’t think KC is getting by Houston in the divisional round.
Also, I think the C-Hox are going to blow out the Cowboys so bad, Jerral is going to have a double heart attack
Interesting that you have Chi**** beating Minny on the road (in a game where the Vikes will go balls out and Bearistocrats! have nothing to realistically play for – plus do nae want to tip their hand scheme-wise ahead of a likely rematch the following week), but losing at home at full strength the following week.
I see WC as CHI > MN, DAL > SEA.
Divisional: DAL > NO, CHI > LAR
Title: CHI > DAL
Bearistocrats! only road matchup is against RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, and they have a serious matchup advantage there. Nobody is going into Soldier Field in January and coming out alive.
AFC WC: BAL > CdM, TN > HOU
Divisional: BAL > NE, KC > TN
Title: True tossup.
Superb Owl: CHI > BAL or KC > CHI
Having been to soldier field for playoff games, I don’t fully agree with your assessment of their advantage there. But I like your optimism/faith in the prophesy.
I agree. Bears play better on the road.
And in the men’s room of less than reputable gentlemen only establishments.
everything changes in the Land of Prophecy. Plus that defense is a PERFECT match for January in Chi****. Plus it won’t impact Leonard Cohen’s game, and Bollo is inaccurate no matter what (and can scramble).
Too bad the Steelers could never figure out how to be consistent this season
They totally didn’t need LeVeon Bell
pwning the Union >>> competing for Superb Owl ,, obvs!
That’s true to nfl owners.
I still think you’re stupid.
Da Bears have nothing to play for and would be wonderfully stupid to not rest their starters. Vikes should be in, provided they don’t piss it away.
This indoctrination brought to you by spending Xmas Eve Eve at Casa de Right.
That’s good logicking.
kind of psyched to see if Baltimore Ratbirds play BALLS TO THE WALL to get the win +4 seed…..
HOU
WHO?
They laughed at me at the office when I said Baker Mayfield would win RoY. Saquon still may be in the drivers seat, but it’s getting damn close. If the Browns go 8-7-1 (and really a win would be 8-6 in games Baker actually played in)…it’d be hard to deny him.
Really, if they’d just fired Hue Jackson after going 1-31, he might have won this in a boat race.
Especially considering his exceptional skin pigmentation.
I dock Saquon points for going to Penn State. If it costs him RoY, we’re good.
The ass eating that will go on for Brees v Brady will be unbearable.
THIS. The key to everything is having Tits or Humps beat 500s in WC, so they don’t get an easy home matchup in Divisional Round.