New Year Resolutions Challenge

I asked in the DFO clubhouse if anyone did New Year’s Resolutions. The response was basically the banner image.

Some choice comments:

King Hippo: I made a New Year’s Resolution to stop making New Year’s Resolutions about 10 years ago. And it stuck! Fuck yo’ social rituals of illusory self-improvement.

BFC: New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit.

Yeah Right: My resolution to have my knee and shoulder joints stop hurting is bullshit. Fuck it man I’m gonna just smoke dope and keep on walking.

We did, however, get one positive response:

Low Commander: My resolution continues to be not to murder anyone. Mostly because I have an addictive personality.

Given that I successfully completed the Little Drummer Boy Challenge put on by Señor Weaselo and I previously successfully ignored the No-Fap November Challenge, I feel confident in issuing a New Year’s Resolution Challenge to you all.

But first let me take you back a few years…

In the 1990s, Younger Balls had a group of close friends. It wasn’t a posse.

Though we do like big butts and we cannot lie

It certainly wasn’t a gang.

And for sure it wasn’t a band of brothers

Every January, we would get together at a bar and write out personal goals for the year. We would keep track throughout the year and, at the next year’s meetup, the person who achieved the least amount of goals would buy all the drinks.

It was a pretty fun way to improve ourselves and we actively encouraged each other to achieve our goals.

I miss that.

My friends have pretty much all left LA and the tradition is no more. However, I still want to do things every year to make myself a better person.

This is where you come in. I challenge all of you to pick five goals for yourselves this year. It can be anything you want as long as it’s something SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant to your interests, and Time-Bound).

The Time-Bound part is easy. You have until the end of 2019 to achieve your goal. That’s set the same for everyone. The rest is up to you.

I will list here my five goals and will report on progress throughout the year. But first, I want to offer you some helpful suggestions as to what goals you can possibly achieve:

From the 2019 Sexual Resolutions article in the Liberator website:

  • More Quickies
  • Focus on Your Partner
  • Ask for More
  • Learn Something New
  • Masturbate More!

One of my favourite goals in the past was to read a certain number of books. I know that’s difficult a lot of times, but it’s a worthwhile pursuit. I also know that BFC may be writing a DFO Book Recommendations post in the near future that will help you out.

Fitness goals are always popular as it seems everyone decides to join a gym in January and then forgets they have membership cards in February. If you set goals that are Measurable, like being able to lift/run/walk a certain weight/time/distance, it will be easy to track your progress. Examples:

  • Participate in a 5K race and finish without dying.
  • Finish a 5K in less than an hour.
  • Lift your weight on the bench press

Back in those days, we were all single, so many of our goals were related to finding the right girl. If she couldn’t be Mrs. Right, she could at least be Miss Summer Fling, Miss Crazy Weekend, or Miss What The Hell Did I Drink Last Night?

The goals themselves weren’t as crass as “bang a hot babe”. It was more of making a concerted effort to meet new interesting people that might develop into something. A lot of times, when you’re single, putting yourself out there seems daunting and scary. Having your friends support you and encourage you in this area helped make the process better, which made the chances of success higher.

Lastly, there were always goals about becoming a better person, but I tend to think like Calvin in the banner image in this area. Or, better yet, like Gene:

So, here are my five goals for the year:

  • Have a body fat percentage in the teens. (currently 25%)
  • Travel somewhere outside the continental US. (haven’t since April 2017)
  • Write at least 69 posts for DFO. (this one counts as #3 so far!)
  • Do one thing sexually with a partner that I’ve never done before. (I’m hoping for pompoir, but we’ll see if that works out.)
  • Host a dinner party where I’ve cooked all the food from scratch. At least four courses (soup, appetizer, main, dessert).

What say you, Commentist Party? Will you join me and create five goals of your own? Feel free to list them in the comments and we can all refer back to this post next year to see how we did.

All Commentists that achieve zero goals must buy the alcohol at the next DFO Con.



International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not a resolution, but has to do with resolution; my sincere wish for 2019 is that women taking nude or provocative selfies that are either intentionally posted or leaked to the internet for my viewing, learn and incorporate technical aspects of photography and video presentation.


The very last thing that anyone that is displaying their ‘goods’ on any form of social media are thinking about? You.

Senor Weaselo

Hmm, in general it’s “do better, suck less.” But 5 specific ones…

1. Catch up on my compositions (need to edit one piece and polish a second)
2. Revisit the Bach Sonatas and Partitas because it’s been too long for some of them
3. Figure out how to cromulently control a class of elementary school kids playing violin.
4. Try and see if I can schedule a recital for either late 2019 or early 2020, whether solo or chamber.
5. Probably the easiest one, I should probably tell the parentals about Senorita Weaselo at some point. Like that she exists, for instance.


Very simple for me: don’t murder my children. It’s tempting sometimes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Although it would get you in the news.


If you have five kids, it’s perfect!


I’ll share some of my goals for the year. Last year’s move to Calgary caused me to develop severe anxiety and depression, so I took a ton of L’s the second half of the year.

1) Lose 25-35 lbs by the time it is myclose friend’s wedding in August.

2) Find a doctor in Calgary and get surgery after I lose 25-35 lbs. Lose more weight after surgery.

3) Manage my time better so I can get an A in my 2 distance education classes that I’m starting on Monday. I’m capable of acing these classes only if I manage my time. Otherwise, I’m fucked.

4) Survive, be patient, be empathetic and help ToddlerZilla along in her Tyrant Two phase. It’s amazing how much 2 year olds change and develop seemingly on a daily basis, and how much that change causes them to act out and push all your buttons.

5) Take more chances on opportunities available in order to be more successful in my career and in life.


Okay… FINE!

1. lose 25lbs.
2. read 35 books (I’m a book hound but have never kept track of how many I’ve read over a calendar year)
3. Take up yoga. (I’ll likely modify this goal down the road if I get the hang of it)
4. Leave the country. (for a bit-haven’t been out since 2016)
5. Do an in-depth story on one of my childhood sports heroes.

Bonus Goal: Never stop with the killing of the hobos.

/much thanks to those below that I’ve stolen from or been inspired by.


I hate this idea but will begrudgingly do it.

1) Lose 10 pounds (health need is more but want to start achievable)
2) Write SOMETHING once a week, whether it’s for DFO or a personal writing
3) Take at least five minutes during the workweek to meditate or do something else mindful
4) Get back into drumming
5) Fly less

Game Time Decision

Me likey this idea, so here are mine:

Eat better and get down to 210, maybe 205. Prob sitting at 220 now as I ate my way through the holiday season
Write more here
Work out 4 to 5 times a week
Get together with friends more. We’ve been antisocial lately
Read a book a month. Read 3 last year. Miss it


I have found that working out every other day works best for me – it prevents me from cheating and taking too many days off if the days off are rigidly scheduled.

yeah right

Pick my guitar back up.
Visit at least 2 new massage parlors
Cook at least 3 new ethnic meals
Visit another new to me baseball stadium

And 5? Bench press the NFL combine standard of 225. Now the shitty part. I was at 190 on the bench in November until I partially tore my rotator cuff. FUCK!

6. Swear more.

yeah right

Minor success story; as of today I’m down 18 pounds from last year on this date.

King Hippo

if I was gonna do it, which I am NOT:

1) Try heroine
2) Go back to juicing (the non-steroid kind) 95% or more of the time
3) Get to and stay at no more than 185 lbs
4) Get on disability so I can quit killing my neck toiling where I am unappreciated
5) DIE


1 and 5 seem like a combo platter.

King Hippo

I mean, one is truly blessed to go out doing sommet they love like that…

Don T

1. Never acknowledge the existence of peter king, not even to call out his shilling / dumb shit.
comment image

2. That is all


Antonio Brown should drug and rape some women so that his “character concerns” no longer factor into Lard Lad’s deliberations.


Translation: PK declares “The noble savage should learn his place”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You got it.

Senor Weaselo

Don’t you mean B.?


Good stuff! Accountability is key (which is why we’re all using pseudonyms).

1) Lose 40 pounds
2) Write for the site more often than 2018 (should be easy)
3) Plan bucket-list trip for 2020
4) Convert all humans to one gender via easily-absorbed chemical spray
5) Eat less red meat


1-4 seem easy enough, but 5, a man, or a sprayed personage, can only take so much.


comment image

Game Time Decision

Was given the complete collection for xmas. Cannot wait to get into them


1. Learn to speak Spanish effectively. Not fluently, necessarily – though that would be great.


Habla espanol


“Mas agua…mas verde”

– Me, pointing to grass, talking to gardener

That’s a good resolution.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good conversation, but we know the real purpose; gardeners work hard for their money and can’t just give it to bums who are walking around rich neighborhoods.


Here are my 5:
Organize a Family dinner once a quarter
Eat healthy and maintain my goal weight
Learn JSON (or one other coding/programming language)
Read 5 books
Visit my family in L.A.


I support your endeavor, but JSON isn’t a language – it’s a data format. Javascript (or jquery) is probably what you mean.


You’re right. Hence the desire for more education on the subject.


I knew Jason. That fucker left me for some hot younger princess. Don’t worry I got even. Glenn Close ain’t got shit on me.

comment image


Oh, and write more here. So…6 items


Good stuff.
Went to bed early….and missed a crazy Rockets vs Warriors basketball game.
Dubs blew a 20pt lead. at home. Well Shit……