A Round Man’s Roundtable (Saturday Fixtures) – Also FA Cup/Lesser Footy Open Thread

I am in no way, shape, or form going to try to lay out the structure or matchups involved in the English FA Cup.  I know Everton’s home tie with Lincoln City is on ESPN+ at 10:00.  Surely, I will watch it and bitch heartily.

No, we will collect the hivemind of as many Commentist Party Functionaries as possible, for Most Glorious Wild Card Round.

To the ppls!

WCS:

Clots/500s: If a playoff game is hosted by a team that doesn’t exist, does anyone actually notice? 27-20 Pill Poppers.

Truthers/GAWD DAMNED STARS: Princeton Boy gets to continue his Finest Eatings in JerryWorld for another couple years on the basis of winning the craptacular NFC East. Russell Wilson is playing out of his mind. 31-24 Nano Bubbles.

Horatio Cornblower:

Colts-Texans:  An immovable force, the gravy in Indianapolis’s arteries, versus an unstoppable object, the questions surrounding the very existence of the other team.  Hodor does just enough to disappoint JJ Watt and save us all from more humble-bragging.  24-13  St. Elmo’s Special Sauce.

Seahawks-Cowboys:  Is this the year the Cowboys win more than one game in the play-offs?  No.  No it is not.  The defense shows up but the offense doesn’t.  24-13 Conspiracy theorists.

Old School Zero:

C-HOX/C-BOYS – Q1: rain of frogs. Q2: nacho cheese pipeline rupture. Q3: Meteor. Q4: refs gift Dallas a win.

Fat Cats / Fat Humps: Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.

Yeah Right (thinking big picture):

Here’s yeah right’s “Saints are going to use their dome field advantage, including Megatron’s Butthole remember, to beat New England in the Superb Owl. Bonus prediction: Breesus Christ rides off into the sunset after his Superb Owl MVP award.

Editor’s Note: Isn’t this the Wild Card Round preview?

Beer Guy Rob:

Colts – Texans: A Meteor of Boredom hits JJ Watt, putting him out until hurricane season (non-alcoholic variety) 13-6 Texans.

Seahawks – Cowboys: JET FUEL MIGHT NOT MELT STEEL BEAMS, BUT IT WILL MELT A JUMBOTRON! 24-21 C-HOX

Internet Dad (aka DTZM):

Colts-Texans is a battle between the two fattest fanbases in the National.  Football.  League.

Seahawks – Cowboys asks the existential question of “Can the insufferable beat the oversaturated?”

Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy:

Clots-Texans: The buzz on the Colts making a run is nuttier than an Irsay on a Planters factory tour after he confused the chopping room for a rave. Watson over HODOR. 27-20

Seahawks-Cowboys: I like DAK as a person/ham more than DangeRuss as a cyborg/turd but the SeaChickens are winning this. 23-21

The Right Reverend Mayhem:

Clots/”Texans”: Captain Andrew Luck continues his March to the Gulf.  Normally I would find T.Y. Hilton’s ankle injury worrying, especially with the Colts’ boom-or-bust rushing game. However, the Texans’ offensive line seems almost as unconcerned about Deshaun Watson’s safety as Watson himself- the 62 sacks he sustained this season were tied for the fifth most all time, behind David Carr, Randall Cunningham, Jon Kitna and David Carr (again)- and it’s going to catch up to them this week when Watson goes down in the third quarter with a Torn Everything.  Also, the last time a Houston team underestimated Frank Reich in the playoffs, it didn’t end well for them.

Prediction:

Seahawks/Cowboys: Seriously, fuck both these teams.  Their quarterbacks are both overrated. The Seahawks defense is still coasting on the edge of the hem of the coattails of the Legion of Boom years, while the Cowboys offense is notable only because they weren’t quite ass enough to get Jason Garrett fired once they blew a first-rounder on Amari Cooper. One owner is dead, and the other is a lecherous reanimated corpse. Both coaches are insufferable. Pistols at dawn, then drown the survivor.

Prediction:

King Hippo:

The more I think about Humps/500s, the less clarity I have.  One can’t even take comfort in the points, what with the line being 500s -1.  I guess I am going to let the tiebreaker be how shitty HOU’s offensive line is.  Though I would not be at all surprised if the NFL’s bestest WR (h/t, DonT) – Deshaun Watson – snatches victory from the hand of HODOR!  Hopefully we will have a good game, an unusual feat for this HODOR! timeslot.  Humps 24, 500s 20.

On the other hand, I am all over the anti-narrative #ACTION here.  To me, this is a very complete, balanced, clock and field position-controlling team vs. one guy (Russell Wilson).  No matter how large RW’s genitalia might be (take a look at a picture of his garden shovel-sized hands gripping the footed ball sometime), he can’t do it all by himself – especially with limited opportunities.  In this sense, DAL is SEA‘s toughest possible matchup, though I shall be like the only “national pundit” (laughs at the absurdity of that statement, but WOO! internet) saying so.  Non-Gendered Cowpersons 28, SeaTruthers 18.

Balls of Steel and Fury:

Indy/Texans – Each team won at the other’s stadium by a field goal in the regular season. This game will come down to a field goal too. Texans take the rubber match.

Seattle/ Dallas – This game comes down to, “Who do you trust in the playoffs? Conspiracy Pete or The Ginger? Petey doesn’t fuck up until the later rounds. Seattle wins on the road.

Depicted: Balls’ sex life

Senor Weaselo:

Clots/500s-They played each other close both games, so I expect it to be close throughout. For some reason I like Houston so gimme them.

Truthers/Non-Gendered Cowpersons-I think DAK DAK DAK will have a good game especially thanks to the Week 17 chaos against the Giants. I won’t love it but I’ll take them.

Scotchnaut:

Colts/Texans-I don’t trust the Texans running game but there is the very real possibility that Hopkins goes totally whack-a-doodle. This’ll come down to a late-ish turnover and a Adam “Stick it up your nose with a rubber hose” Vinnyatieri field goal. Colts 24-21.

Seahawks/Cowboys-totally counting on DAK! weaknesses to counteract Zeke strongnesses. I got this feeling that this version of “How ‘Bout Them Cowboys!” will be a regular season team to deal with and a playoff team that folds quicker than me being punched in the belly by a three year-old.

Son of Spam:

Colts/Texans? – Colts win in a laugher because there’s no such team as the “Texans”

Sharkbait:

Indy-Houston: Clots on the road vs. an imaginary team. Despite Watson-Hopkins putting the team on their back, Ageless wonder Adam Vinatieri wins it with a 40+ yard FG

Seattle-Dallas: DAK and the non-gendered Cowpersons will win this because Jerry Jones puts a Free Mason logo outside the Seattle locker room and Pete Carrol refuses to enter thereby negating any game plan they had.

Litre_Cola: 

500’s v Clots: I believe that the 500’s will get to the conference final at least and I do not believe in the Colts D. Houston in a murder, I do not think it will be close as it is Hopkins against Hilton and Hopkins is the clear winner.

SeaTruthers v Non Gendered Cowpersons: I bet on Dallas but want the Heaux to win. I just don’t know how Russell Wilson does it with that patchwork offensive line. If Dallas goes away from Zeke they will lose, he needs 20+ carries for them to win IMO.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Brick Meathook

I can’t decide whether to watch the IND/TEX game on ESPN or ABC.

scotchnaut

Cartoonists that draw women with small breasts? I respect them but I’m never going to like them.

/it’s just not realistic!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just ate some samoas that were so old that they had completely fused together. Still better than new thin mints.

scotchnaut

“Thanks very much for taking one for our team.”

-Men from Samoas

rockingdog
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

“Not your traditional 7’6″…”

I’m sorry, what?

Horatio Cornblower

This game has been 58-46 for the last 5 minutes.

I don’t think the AAC is gonna be making a lot of noise in the NIT this year.

Brick Meathook

So I clicked on a YouTube video (Homer Simpson in drag singing “I Am Woman,” linked below) and at the end of the video YouTube puts up a bunch of related or suggested videos. Here’s a screen capture of what I got. Look in the upper right:

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“Celebs Who Vanished And Are Still Missing Today”

Here’s female Homer, in English and Italian. Your results may vary:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPKX9zJxfWc

Horatio Cornblower

That seems like something more geared towards Scotchnaut.

Don T

Family Guilt Fucks Over Football Fan. Film at 11.
? ?
Anyway, I gots Ravens and Jerrals because I’m riding this bad mood until I have a beer.
Thanks for the shoutout KH. I won’t be mad if Nuk goes off in the playoffs young Steve Smith style, but would prefer if Luck and Reich III make trouble. Bers. Bers to the NFCChamp.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t watch much UConn basketball since the Big East dissolved, but I stumbled on it today and now I remember why I stopped.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

At least it isn’t UConn football?

Horatio Cornblower

Now you’re being silly; there’s no such thing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Football and decongestant, woo hoo

scotchnaut

LIDIA IS CROWDING THE PAN ON PBS RIGHT NOW!

/I’ve got less than nothing right now

Wakezilla

Fun fact: Big Rom has scored more goals this year than the entire Liverpool team.

Speaking of Big Rom, now that Ole is playing to his strengths, he’s actually effective now! What a fucking concept! Though he needs to lose some muscle mass

rockingdog

found a funny:

ME: hey. how was your day
THE EYE THAT FLOATS UNBLINKING, SILENT & UNTETHERED FROM TIME, IN MY KITCHEN: ?
ME: don’t know why I fuckin bother

rockingdog

Morata scores 2 goals. Cool beans!

Wakezilla

I’ll take the 500s and Tin foil Hox today.

If ToddlerZilla can break her horrendous streak of no naps, O should be able to watch the first game mostly uninterrupted

scotchnaut

I’m getting: MSU/OSU, St. John’s/Georgetown, UNC/Pitt, the FSC Championship, BC/VT, Wake/GT, Kansas State/TTU and Kentucky/Alabama.

I’m not getting: Cuse/Notre Dame.

Fuckballs!

yeah right

Oh. We were supposed to make Wild Card weekend predictions.

Well it better be Indy, Seattle and Chicago because I parlayed those fuckers.

Tough read on Chargers and Bodymore but I’ll take Chargers late.

Instructions are hard OK?

Fronkenshteen

I think Humps//Ratbirds/Bears would make a fine money line parlay this weekend. Not touching that other NFC game though, although I suspect the following:

– Dallas roars out to a double-digit lead feeding Zeke, hitting Beasley & Jarwin, and their D feeding off the home team adrenaline frenzy.

– Seattle stabilizes with their running game and Dak making some curious plays on 3rd & short resulting in key 3 & outs. Late FG by SeaBass pulls Sea within one score at halftime.

– Sea D hits & sacks start mounting and Dak starts hearing footschtapps, resulting in turnovers. Dallas running game abandoned entirely. Seattle running game imposes its will.

– Russ makes more plays, because he’s better. Dak ends game with INT forcing the ball to Amari in triple coverage.

Or something like that.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is extremely plausible.

Wakezilla

That’s mostly correct. Just, the score will be close at halftime, but Dallas seems like they’ll run away with the game. Then the Hawks will make adjustments and end up winning by 10

rockingdog

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, seriously, regarding this flooded 17 yr old VW Passat….

Her insurance wants to total it. Which I think at this point is the right call. If she’d sold the damned thing or traded it in when I told her to, this wouldn’t even be an issue now. She dumped close to $2G into servicing it about a month ago anyway, because it has “sentimental value”….I guess. I don’t even think the car was worth that much. And is sure as shit isn’t now.

The mechanic(s) who serviced it didn’t put things back together correctly under the hood when he/they were done, which is why it flooded.

So now, because she’s dealing with other things, I get to do this. I think letting them total it is the right call, as I said. She wants me to talk them out of doing that.

So yes, I need to be drunk for this. Hello morning beer!!!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

All I’m saying is that if you’re drunk the insurance company can’t claim you were competent to make any decisions.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

ballsofsteelandfury

“Sweetie, I tried the best I could, but they wouldn’t budge. It’s totaled. ”

/hides smile

Senor Weaselo

/Hides sledgehammer

Fronkenshteen

HAI!!
Just got my ESPN+ subscription up & running in time for Everton fixture. Had to wake a newborn and a sleeping mother to get it done (as I am completely useless at such things).

/slaps own ass, HARD

THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!

scotchnaut

[presses ‘Enter’]

“Was that so hard? Parents are no good for anything. WHERE’S THE BOOB I WAS PROMISED?”

-Newborn

Fronkenshteen

You’re not wrong (about me).

/tries to post “Carlton Dance” gif resulting in comment of 25,000 lines of code

litre_cola

A Gillingham v Cardiff match at an old small stadium? Money on the hometeam!

Fronkenshteen

Priestfield
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litre_cola

The Rainman end? Big Hoffman fans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What’s shaking, gentlemen?

I’m currently trying to talk myself out of having a 10am beer because I would feel like a drunk slob if I do that.

So far, I have not been successful in discouraging myself, but I still have 5 minutes left.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So you’re saying you’re already drinking heavily and it’s ok for me to do so as well?

GOT IT!!!!!!

scotchnaut

I too am contemplating this but I have some stupid games to blab about.

[mumbles to self]

“The things I do to keep this site adequate! Sheesh!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Never let it be said we didn’t do the least we could do.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, in about an hour, I have to go deal with an insurance adjuster regarding a flooded 17 year old VW Passat, which doesn’t even belong to me.

I think that warrants an early beer. Or two.

Fronkenshteen

So he looks stupid, but it’s raining?

litre_cola

They are Mighty Whiteys next competition in the prem. Must have 3 pts. If not, relegation.

litre_cola

Nae, Turf Moor.

scotchnaut

So… does the FA Cup involve the first and second leagues in England, Scotland and Ireland?

/asking for a wanker

litre_cola

All the professional leagues in England. There is a Scottish Cup, Irish Cup etc.

litre_cola

Watching a Burnley v Barnsley match, guess I should scout the competition for Mighty Whitey next year when they are relegated.