Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!
This week’s episode is entitled “Romantic Getaways”. It’s possible that someone actually said those words during the episode, since everyone is dumb as a box of rocks. I’ll keep my ears peeled for that.
This is another one of those episodes where nothing much really happens, but it’s all setup for the next episode. The next episode, of course, is the two-part season finale.
As you may remember from previous seasons, there is one big 24-hour date with a Single Boy or Girl at the end before the couples meet again and decide their fates. This show covered those dates.
Before we get started, let us refresh our memories as to what these idiot couples look like.
Episode 9 Recap
We start off with the now-traditional “Previously… on Temptation Island”.
It cracks me up that the lyrics to the song playing in the background of the Temptation Island opening montage keep repeating, “You’re not gonna tempt me”.
The girls are driving back from the bonfire and
is talking and I don’t really care about her whining about Evan dumping her ass. Fast forward…
The Boys are at their villa and talking about the bonfire too. Karl gives Javen props for being strong and, honestly, it’s not really that Javen is that strong, it’s that Karl’s relationship sucks.
John makes a very good point and callback to the start of the show when Javen and Shari were fighting before the couples were separated and how everyone else thought they were toast. Yet they’re the only ones making it.
Does that count as foreshadowing?
Once again, Javen proves he’s the coolest of all the coupled dudes.
It’s morning now and Mark L shows up to get them to choose their final dates. Any girls not chosen go home that instant.
Of course, Evan chooses Morgan. John chooses Katheryn, who is finally available to him for a date. I’m sure her vagina and/or butthole was available last night.
He takes the necklace off her neck and tosses it away. I think Katheryn may be slightly moist.
Javen picks Kayla and Erica is not happy. Finally, Karl picks Brittney, who is ready to climb all over Karl. That means Erica, Hannah, and Rachel are going home.
They hold hands as they leave and no YOU are the one thinking of a lesbian threesome!
At the Girls’ villa, the same choices are made. Kaci picks Val, who seems to be the only one that can stand her ass. Shari picks Justin, who thinks Shari can’t be tempted. Maybe he’s in it for the free food and drink?
Nicole picks Tyler and Hippo bets $5K that those two are banging tonight. Finally, Kady picks Johnnie and Hippo doesn’t get decent odds on this one, so he lays off.
Jack, Jon, and Scott go home.
Before I go any further, can we speak about one of the major signs that our country is going to shit? I speak, of course, about the overuse and misuse of the phrase “Next level”.
Everything is fucking next level now! So, going on this 24 hour date is supposed to be taking them to the Next Level?
You know, I’m going to start taking Metamucil. It’s going to take my shits to the Next Level!
But I digress.
Val and Kaci are on a boat and they’re doing the Titanic movie pose and really they should just go the whole nine yards and have the boat sink and Kaci die. That really would be for the best. At least Evan wouldn’t feel as guilty.
Evan and Morgan are also on a boat and Evan is already talking about how to make their relationship work post-show. Apparently, he’s really serious about her, which is good.
John and Katheryn hold hands walking through a hotel and Katheryn is shitting her pants because she sees a dolphin and they’re going to get to play with one. She says dolphins are her favourite mammals and does anyone actually have favorite mammals? That’s a weird thing to say, right?
Kady and Johnnie get their own beach villa and are only shown standing on the deck talking and watching the ocean. I guess USA Network can’t show hard-core anal during prime time.
Kayla and Javen go on a helicopter ride over the island and I honestly think they got the best date. Javen and Kayla seem like they will be good friends and that’s it.
Shari is doing yoga and that’s gotta be a shitty date. Justin is being cool, but you can tell he’s frustrated.
Karl and Brittney are in a hotel room balcony and they’re getting massages. Oh shit! Karl just kissed her!
Finally, Nicole is saying that Tyler is not 100% her type physically, so maybe his penis isn’t as big as we thought. She keeps blabbering about emotional connection and growth and sure, Nicole, I’m sure you’ve grown. Whatever.
This is as good a time as any to update the dating chart.
Final Dating Chart!
Now updated with the 24-hour date selection:
|Coupled Boy/Girl||Date#1||Date#2||Date#3||Date#4||Date #5||24hr Date|
Justin is in a jacuzzi with Shari and gives her shit. Shari apparently likes it when someone challenges her bullshit. I hope Javen is taking notes.
There is a bit of setup with Javen talking to Kayla about how much he loves Shari and she’s the one and Shari telling Justin she doesn’t know how things will end, but I think that’s a red herring.
Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like Shari and I think Javen can do better. Breaking up with her would actually be a positive thing, but I like the dude and don’t want to see him get hurt. Make sense?
More Morgan and Evan on a boat. Morgan is afraid Evan will buckle under. She’s got nothing to worry about.
Val and the ostrich are eating dinner. Fast forward.
You know, I think Nicole and Tyler are meant to be because he just used/made up the word “comfortability”. Used in a sentence:”I give her comfortability”. WTF is wrong with our education system?
While Nicole is blabbering about her growth, Tyler sneaks several peeks at her tits and manages each time to look up right before she looks at him. That’s pretty skillful. Well done, Tyler!
And… they go to bed.
As do Karl and Brittney.
John and Katheryn are having a nice dinner. She is thrilled about the dolphin and everything is great until she brings up Kady. Katheryn doesn’t want to be the rebound.
John gets it and assures her it’s not like that. In fact, he offers to fly her out to Fort Worth. Kathryn offers to help him move Kady’s shit out of the house.
They head to the bedroom, which is lined with flowers and that makes four couples having sex tonight!
Make that five as Kady and Johnnie kiss over burnt marshmallows.
Justin and Shari are having dinner in the room and talking about Javen. Justin is really frustrated.
It’s morning now and the single people are getting nervous. The fear of the unknown, I suppose.
Karl admits he gave into temptation and fucked Brittney in the ass. Not in those words, of course, but, as you know, I can read between the lines.
Karl still loves Nicole, though, and thinks they can work things out.
Huh? Not after you raw-dog a hippie, you dumbass! Karl is stupid.
All the Boys and their dates are back in the villa and they’re comparing notes on their dates and everyone is happy until Mark L arrives and tells the Single girls, to use one of my favourite phrases, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!”
Everyone is shocked.
Mark L gives them a few minutes to say their goodbyes.
Morgan freaks out and Evan tries to reassure her. Katheryn cries because she JUST got ahold of John’s package and wanted it for a little while longer.
And the credits roll and that does her!
It looks like the two-part season finale will be all about those conversations everyone is so anxious to have.
Based on the preview for the next episode,
I’m guessing the fate of two couples (Nicole/Karl and John/Kady) will be revealed in Part One and two more couples (Evan/Kaci and Javen/Shari) in Part Two.
Here’s the way I see it going down at the end:
- John and Kady: Break Up.
- Nicole and Karl: Break Up.
- Shari and Javen: Stay Together.
- Kaci and Evan: Break Up.
Furthermore, I see these things happening:
- John will try to start a relationship with Kathryn.
- Kady will try to start a relationship with Johnnie.
- Both will fail but will not get back together.
- Karl will want to stay with Nicole, but she won’t want to stay with him.
- Karl will fuck up the situation with Brittney and will end up with nothing.
- Nicole will not go after Tyler and will want to go it alone as an independent woman.
Remember that I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs. This was episode 9 and, much to my dismay, the two-part episode 10 season finale will be spread out over two weeks. I’m not happy about this. I would prefer a two-hour finale.
Temptation Island airs every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website:
Also, thanks to all of you drinking that Maui vodka, TEMPTATION ISLAND HAS BEEN RENEWED FOR SEASON TWO!!
Even more exciting, have you ever wanted to flush your shitty relationship down the crapper? Have you ever wanted to stir shit up and fuck with people’s lives? Now you can do it in front of the whole country! You too can apply to be either a single or a couple next season! Apply here:
You need to be available from mid-June to mid-July. Now that’s what I call a bitchen summer!
Let me know what you think in the comments.