If you’re looking for insight, analysis, clues, savvy angles or sober commentary on these games, you’ve clicked the wrong site. All that malarkey can be found everywhere you look online. How ’bout we fever dream these matchups? (in chronological order)

TO THE GAMES!

#10 Hawkeyes/#2 Vols:

You dream of walking on grass still wet with dew. It tickles your feet-is that Bernard King picking blueberries off in the distance? Once you’ve awaken you realize that the gout has come back and the pain is unbearable. The whimpering causes your children to doubt your manhood.

#9 Huskies/#1 Tar Heels:

Life comes at you fast when you live in the spin cycle of the washing machine. The only relief one gets is when the laundry pod melts open and provides the lubricant for your masturbation session.

#9 Knights/#1 Blue Devils:

Jimmy Dean’s “Big Bad John” is not the story of heroism in a time of crisis. No, it is a scathing rebuke of the shoddy health and safety practices of mining giant Rio Tinto. That’s how I read the song, anyway.

#6 Bulls/#3 Red Raiders:

“The game’s not over ’til the fry cook burns the toast!” is what my dentist said to me after I asked him how I could best deal with tartar issues on a daily basis. I could detect the smell of battery acid on his breath.

#12 Flames/#4 Hokies:

The worst mistake that mayor ever made was giving me the keys to the city. Somehow, I was never connected to the spate of robberies which plagued the community for months afterward.

#9 Sooners/#1 Cavs:

Cadbury Creme Eggs are the perfect food if you can get past the fact that they come out of a rabbit’s butthole.

#11 Buckeyes/#3 Cougars:

Phi Slamma Jamma created unrealistic expectations for hundreds of pledges of sorority houses in the mid-to-late 80’s.

#13 Anteaters/#12 Ducks:

If you can somehow wrestle a #2 into a cage, you’ve effectively penned a pencil.

[wipes sweat from brow with tube sock] Well, that’s all I’ve got. Leave your questions, comments and social security numbers in the space provided below.