Your “Pretty Much Nothing But Footy” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

NFL Nuggets:

  • Fresh off the Packers brain-trust not seeing eye to eye comes news Cam Newton’s timing issues with his passes are a “work in progress”.
    • While not explicitly saying there’s a difference between “throwing” and “throwing right”, Ron Rivera told The Athletic that Newton’s “had a good offseason. He’s done everything the trainers and doctors have asked of him, and he’s still got a little bit more work to go over the next 4 1/2, 5 weeks.”
    • What’s next? Derek Carr can’t practice because Jon Gruden took away his goth makeup eye black?
It’s his whole identity.
  • In leaked news sure to piss someone off, Todd Gurley’s personal trainer has confirmed arthritis in Gurley’s knees.
    • Right now talk is of decreasing Gurley’s frame & a Kawhi Leonard-esque “workload management” regimen.
      • Which thus lends credence to the decision to draft Darrell Henderson in the 3rd round of the draft.

Because there is practically nothing on right now, I might as well bore you with my current morning routine. After WineWife leaves for work & I’ve walked the dogs, I settle into my morning prepping for school by turning on the ICC Cricket World Cup, coming to me LIVE! from the UK.

The broadcasts start at 2:30AM Best Coast time. There’s a coin flip, and then one team starts their batting. I usually catch the matches by the time the other team starts their innings, around 7:30AM.

Stealing most of these details from Wikipedia, the World Cup format for the tournament is a single group of 10 teams, with each team playing the other nine once, and the top four at the end of the group phase progressing to the semi-finals. It is being played under ODI (One-Day International) rules, meaning there are 50 overs of six balls each. The first team to bat tries to get as many runs as they can out of their 300 balls, and then after lunch (seriously) the other teams attempts to run-down that total. Beyond that, Deadspin has a pretty good, common-sense explanation of the rules. I just enjoy trying to figure this shit out on the fly. It’s actually less boring than baseball.

In today’s match, England put up 397 runs in their 50 overs, including a 71-ball total of 148 (with a record 18 sixes) from Eoin Morgan. All Afghanistan could muster was 247 in response.

At this point, the round-robin aspect of the tournament is half-over, and England are on top:

The tournament continues until mid-July. For you Hippo types, Ladbrokes, among others, will take your bets. I’ve got a lot of South Asian kids in my program, and they watch with their parents before coming to school. It blew their minds that I knew the difference between Virat Kohli & MS Dhoni.

It’s sports; it’s live; and it beats the hell out of watching daytime TV.


Tonight’s sports:

  • Fútbol:
    • Copa América Brazil 2019:
      • Brazil vs. Venezuela – 8:00PM | TELMUN / TSN2
    • CONCACAF Gold Cup Soccer 2019:
      • Panama vs. Trinidad and Tobago – 7:30PM | FS1 / TSN3
      • USA vs. Guyana – 10:00PM | FS1 / TSN
  • College World Series:
    • Game 8: Vanderbilt vs. Mississippi State – 7:00PM | ESPN
  • MLB:
    • Angels at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • White Sox at Cubs – 8:00PM | ESPN+
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

These are the dog days my friends, when we lie between the end of the winter sports we enjoy & the start of their next seasons. If there are other sports to watch, let your fellow commentists know. We can get through this together.

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Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised
theeWeeBabySeamus

I miss both Genesis and Earth Wind and Fire.
Both very biblical band names, don’t you think?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkRKT6T0QLg

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think my THC pill is kicking in.

Yay.

Fronkenshteen

Fuck. I was happy & in the mood to try to chat with you guys, and my whole mood got torpedoed like the fucking Lusitania ten minutes after I got home from work. I’ll be lurking because the game and all, but I’ll check in another time. Fuck.

blaxabbath

“It was Iran!”

-John Bolton

Brick Meathook

tWBS should post a series about his love life adventures. A different post for each girl.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No, he definitely should not do that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

For several reasons.

Brick Meathook

Yes, you should. You do it anyway in the comments; just consolidate them. Balls will be your editor. I’ll read them and encourage others to do so.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m in!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I would have to change the names to protect the guilty.
(and the ones you all know)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_nPP-e3gEo

theeWeeBabySeamus

David Price Look alike gives up a 3 run shot to straight center.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit more storms moving in. Probably will lose power.
Later taters, just in case.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv8GW1GaoIc

blaxabbath

So some good things have come about the last month and I’m going to be getting a check next week to get me over the 20% down threshold for the new house (fuck your PMI). So that’s a good thing.

Wife is noticeably exhausted and stressed about dealing with the move. On top of which blaxito is in a very….annoying…phase right now where he is demanding T.O.-like attention. I’m beat myself.

My hope is we just grind through this next couple weeks, get moved, and everything magically improves.

Unsurprised

Jesus Christ, Disney

Following its own narrative rules, in turning trash into a toy, Bonnie has inadvertently made Forky sentient. And Forky, rather than being excited about his promotion from presumably inanimate pieces of garbage to full consciousness and favored toy status, now desperately wants to go back to being insensate trash. Woody spends basically the next 20 minutes of screen time trying to get Forky to be the toy Bonnie wants him to be and stop him from jumping into garbage cans (Forky returning to his grave, essentially).

Unsurprised

I still read Vince’s reviews. h

ttps://uproxx.com/movies/toy-story-4-review/

ThurberHerder

His review of Entourage is an all-timer. I still go back and read it every couple of years

theeWeeBabySeamus

I seriously don’t even know these guys’ names.
Richie Martin, Shortstop, Baltimore. .173 avg….. before he just weakly grounded out to short. Probably about .170 now.

Mr. Ayo

DIdn’t he sing the Macarena?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehehe

Mr. Ayo

Huh. Guess I better go back and review our Mexican lessons from this morning.

Brick Meathook
theeWeeBabySeamus

This dude pitching for Baltimore looks a lot like David Price.
You know, except for actually knowing how to pitch and all.

ballsofsteelandfury

LA VINOTINTO!!!!

King Hippo

what a fucking terrible match, and his teammates should burn Firmino at the stake

ballsofsteelandfury

Impotent Brazilians make me laugh.

JustStopDude

Ugh new hires. So last week, I had a young lady from a US college, just freshly hired.

Fan-fucking-tastics. Paying attention. Asking questions. Interacting with the longshoremen. Most importantly, putting one of them in their place when they were getting slightly inappropriate.

In a completely professionally way, I love this girl. I could see dropping her off in the middle of fucking nowhere and the job just fucking gets done. I have a faith in my company that we hired a candidate like this.

Fast forward this week. Its a young man. Fresh new hire from the US. To get into the port, you have to wand a twic card and give a finger print. The fucking system barely works. Today…it was really not working. Him and I are trying to get in. The security guy tries to help us. This kid…keep in mind he is like 20 years old. Only been with the company weeks, just lays into the guy cussing him out.

“Hey man…let it go”

“NO! This guy needs to do his FUCKING JOB!”

“I am going outside to smoke. YOU are coming with me”.

So we walk outside. I am smoking my cig.

“Can you believe that guy?”

“When I am done with this smoke, you and I are walking back in there and you are immediately apologizing to that man”

“Why?”

“Because I told you. That man is trying to help you and you cussing him out solves nothing. You will apologize to him”

“the fuck i will”

I was not prepared to get this response. I took a drag….

“You should go back to the hotel”

“Yeah. When they figure out their shit, I’ll come back. Give me the keys” (meaning the rental car in my name).

“Nah…you can walk”

“It’s like 20 miles!”

“its 7. It will clear your head. You should walk. Or…you should stop being a child and apologize”

Fuck stain took an uber.

I get back to the hotel. His boss…and my boss calls me.

Thick German accent “Alex told me you left him at the port without a ride”

“Is that what you think happened?”

“I am scheduling an exit interview with him when he arrives in Roanoke. Do you have objections?”

“I have no objections”

I fucking love working for an East German. No wasted motions. I was just smoking a cig outside of the hotel. I see the kid.

“Uwe says we are going to talk”

“Okay”

“I hope you realize that I am not holding back about how you treated me”

“Oh…you should open up completely to Uwe about what you think of me kid. Uwe will want to know this”

Its rare to get to watch in real time a real piece of shit get his ass handed to him. I should look him up on instagram to read the bullshit story about how he stood up for himself.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Awesome.

JustStopDude

None of this was intentional but it ended up being like a shitty movie.

The cocksure dickhead frat boy getting his comeuppance.

That NEVER happens in real life…I feel blessed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Intentional or not, it sounds awesome.
Wish I’d been there to see it.

JustStopDude

Heheheh…I just got an email from IT asking to secure his computer prior to his departure.

I just went to his room.

“I need your computer”

“Why?”

“Preparation with your talk with Uwe”

“Good. Its about time that someone gets shit done” and he just gives it to me. I was honestly expecting a little bit of a scene. This kid doesn’t realize based on the signs of these exchanges that something is up.

This kid has ZERO fucking clue what is waiting for him at the office. They are going to literally greet him in the parking lot and take away his building pass. I kind of wish I was going to be there for this but I have to stick around until Saturday.

blaxabbath

Wait — you’re the crane guy, right?

JustStopDude

Yeah I am.. The young lady I worked with last week, I ask her “You ever been working at heights?”

“No…I am a little nervous”

“I’ve been doing it for years and i am terrified. We do this together okay?”

The thing with new people is to get them to understand its okay to be nervous. You got to push past it. Everyone talks a big game on the ground but at 90+ feet, its bullshit.

Fish to fucking water. I am in the cab, with a bag over my mouth, as she is driving the crane. The one longshoreman wanted to show his shit, so they tuned off the anti-sway on the spreader. So basically you got to manually correct for wind and shit.

This young lady…fucking jaws on the fucking deck, she is manually moving that shit like she has been doing it for years. 10 years in this industry…I have never seen a natural until last week. We get off that crane, after I have kissed the ground and thanked god for not dying, I tell her…

“We are going to Va Beach?”

“For what JSD?”

“One of those arcade crane games…you are getting me a stuffed animal.”

Fast forward to this week and I got a new hire that probably tips the change on any bill even when the company is covering the food.

Unsurprised

The thing with new people is to get them to understand its okay to be nervous.

This is why I wish I got my 1L orientation presentation proposal approved. It’ll probably be a CLE, but I need new law students and lawyers to know this before anything else.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am scheduling an exit interview with him when he arrives in Roanoke…

I want to put this quote on the banner.

Unsurprised

CROATOAN

Unsurprised

Sometimes there is a little justice in the world. Of course, ten or twenty years ago we’ll all be working for this cunt.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, the Orioles aren’t losing yet.
(Admittedly, Oakland has not yet come up to bat)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Orioles have a no hitter thru 1 inning.
So does Oakland.

King Hippo

what’s more awful? VEN’s anti-football, or BRA always going for the dive?

Mr. Ayo

Time to watch the USMNT shit on their own dicks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

HEY!!!! 25mg THC pill. Come over here and get in mah belly!!!!!!!!!

Unsurprised

I want every not-Commentist to no longer live on this planet.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Someone posted Boaty McBoatface before. I can’t remember who.
But it still makes me giggle. Thank you.

blaxabbath

Thank goodness Sill Bimmons is grandfathered in.

Unsurprised

I stand corrected. I want everyone dead now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Even me? Da Fuq did I do????????????

litre_cola

You touch yourself at night.

King Hippo

Q: Is Firmino really a cunt?

A: Fuck yeah, he really, REALLY is

theeWeeBabySeamus

I wish we had a Big Kahuna Burger here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mnb_3ibUp38

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I’ve eaten two cheeseburgers and half a box of fries. Now I gotta put the Big Mac down.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVSZy_7Se8M

Unsurprised

Good start

King Hippo

Understanding reached – do NAE bet on Brasil to win the first half. First half is for diving and general assdickery (looking at you, Firmino)

ThurberHerder

I’m gonna have to tool around hilton head for a bit for a conference. Any suggestions?

WCS

Hotel bar? Barring that, find a liquor store. Of course, I may not be the best source of advice.

King Hippo

read, stare at the ocean, avoid the golfer assholes (WCS excepted)

Unsurprised

That was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have looked up on LinkedIn people I would have graduated with had I finished law school in 2005.

King Hippo

still too late to have banged 14-year olds with Alan Dershowitz

scotchnaut

Just would like to say that this place is really important to me-especially now. The workplace is very close to unmanageable and stress levels are thru the roof (as they always are at this time of year) because we’re so busy. I can wander over here and make jokes and forget about things for a bit and interact with you guys and it dissipates the pressure that is felt. Gotta go now and endure the workmares.

/bye for now
//if anyone responds to this, I’ll be replying tomorrow morning around 5:30 EST

ballsofsteelandfury

We’re here for you, buddy!

Enjoy some boobies and buns:
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Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Normally, body weight wise, I go around 210. I can go up to 220 without too much problem. I do accidentally hit 220 occasionally after vacations, etc. But it’s never difficult to lose the extra and get back to where I feel normal. I’m lucky that way I guess.

But if I go below 200, I feel weak. Tired. No energy.

And for the past week I’ve been feeling that way, though it didn’t dawn on me why. I stepped on the scales today.

191. Holy shit. I knew I hadn’t had an appetite (for several reasons we won’t go into) but I didn’t know I’d lost that much.

So tonight, I went and got a shitload of greasy food from the drive thru. Now I just gotta get it in.

ballsofsteelandfury

“Now I just gotta get it in”

The next two words are EXTREMELY important…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Right?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Until just now, I hadn’t eaten anything other than a couple of bites of sushi in Santa Monica five days ago.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least nothing that stayed down.

ballsofsteelandfury

You DROVE to Santa Monica to meet her??

Dumbass.

ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I was going to Venice anyway.

ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

She actually just msg’d me for the first time since that night.
I haven’t read it yet.

I’m an undernourished dickhead.

ballsofsteelandfury

“You might want to get tested…”

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, I hope that’s not the msg.
But I can’t say it would shock me.

LMFAO

theeWeeBabySeamus

She said she had fun and misses me.

And maybe get tested.

Brick Meathook

You need to make a formal consolidated post about your adventures instead of coughing it up piecemeal in the comments. I’d read it.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m so glad someone else is keeping up with the cricket!! I thought I was the odd one.

herodotus450

-Mr. Ant

litre_cola

IPL was fucking awesome this year except Mumbai winning.

rockingdog
King Hippo

But really, the key to Hippo Happiness tonight is one or more of the Liverpool players (on Brasil) die. Or at least have their dicks torn off.

King Hippo

dropped a quarter on “both sides score in 2nd half” at +440, that way I limit my outlay while still having sommet to realistically root for

rockingdog
King Hippo

“both teams score” in Brasil/Corrupt Petrostate is +219. Assuming Brasil have 4 or 5 by the half, they could fumble the clean sheet, yeah?

Unsurprised

Funny. I think of Colombia as South America’s premiere Corrupt Petrostate. Or maybe it’s just an excuse to post a photo of a Colombian:

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ballsofsteelandfury

Colombia is South America’s plastic surgery capital…

King Hippo

they’s MOAR of a Corrupt Narcostate? Anyway, where there’s brown ppl with valuable natural resources, whitey always be there to exploit and thus the corrupt foundation is laid

King Hippo

Seriously, the Commentist Party could scrap together an XI and probably at least get to the knockout rounds of the Gold Cup.

/Hippo calls keeper

herodotus450

Even hungover I think we could win the women’s world cup.

King Hippo

nah, I’d be torn between my obvious perving and trying to camouflage my erection

scotchnaut

Uh.. saying “I think you’re cute” isn’t going to throw Carli Lloyd off her game.

herodotus450

I’d just say “that color uniform really hides your arm flab.”
/yes i’m currently single, why would you ask that?

scotchnaut

You should try, “arm flab really cranks my yank machine”. Make it a positive thing. I’ll bet you’ll go far with that line.

Brick Meathook

I’m the Designated Hitter of awesomeness

Brick Meathook

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ArmedandHammered

How the French imagined the Maginot Line would work.

Redshirt

Toy Story 4 Quasi-SPOILER

Spoiler

If you liked Star Wars: The Last Jedi, you’ll like Toy Story 4. If you didn’t like Star Wars: The Last Jedi, your childhood memories better brace themselves for yet another violation.

scotchnaut

Redshirt’s spoiler pertains to childhood memories and violation. Surprisingly, there’s no mention of his rock-hard erections and Jon-Benet Ramsay.

King Hippo

aw, shucks, already had my pants off and everything – Marc T., parts unknown

Redshirt

Thanks Scotch. Your second line’s going to look real good in my FBI File.

scotchnaut

All the more reason for you to scoot on up beyond the 49th parallel. I’m doing you a favour.

King Hippo

They just said Panama has lots of “familiar names from MLS” – so methinks I shall talk myself into a Trinidad and Tobago bet. I mean, they’s two of em FFS!

rockingdog

Im gonna try to check out “I Think You Should Leave”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YDpvMYk5jA

Unsurprised

It seemed pretty funny but I stopped watching in the second or third episode and haven’t gone back. Tbh, I don’t think I’m going to keep Netflix much longer.

Redshirt

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herodotus450

Colonel Kurtz was from Toledo ppl forget he only went to Cambodia to get away from the humidity.

Brick Meathook

Willard was from Toledo; Kurtz only went to a gardenia plantation on the river. Have you considered any real freedoms?

herodotus450

I knew that, I was just testing everyone.

Brick Meathook

What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin?

Unsurprised

Only four months?
— Pacific Northwest

Redshirt

So AJ Green and Joe Mixon say the Bengals will make the playoffs if everyone stays healthy. You gotta admire that level of delusion.

King Hippo

It’s a great promise because “everyone stays healthy” never really happens with any NFL side.