Goddess 3 : Eurotrip – Prologue

Previously, on Goddess…

Spur: Yes officers, I’m sure. It must have been my kid screwing around with the phone or something.

Just then, the sound of six gunshots rings out from a short distance away.

Spur: Awwwww, fuck.

Officer #1: Do you know something about that, Sir?

Spur: Gimme just a sec to call my lawyer.


Balls (to tWBS): I really am sorry about before. But in my defense, you often do fuck these things up.

tWBS (to Balls): That’s fair.

Balls (to tWBS): But it really was a great plan, dude. I should have stayed back. I really am sorry.

tWBS (to Balls): See? Now that’s all I needed to hear.

Balls (to tWBS): Wow, we really do sound gay sometimes.


tWBS: You have a problem with this? Dude, he was gonna kill us.

Balls: No. That’s not what I’m saying. Let me say this a different way… You just tricked Leticia’s brother into committing suicide by cop.

tWBS: Oh yeah. Shit. I guess I should have thought that thru. Do you think she’ll be mad?

Balls: Ohhhhh, maybe just a little bit?

tWBS: Where are they, anyway?

Balls: No idea.


Balls: Baby, don’t you think we should go in? It’s starting to get a little cold.

Blair Williams takes Balls’ dick out of her mouth.

Blair: Yeah, a little. And I don’t want to put clothes on. Wanna start the fire?


tWBS (leaving voicemail): ASSHOLE!! Pick up the phone, asswipe! (Audible sigh) Fiiiiine. Be that way. Listen, something interesting has come up. Get your ass back here pronto!


And now, the story continues…

EXTERIOR, Balls’ beach house, driveway, San Felipe, Baja California, México

DATELINE: Summer 2018

Balls: Ok, sweetie, drive safe!

Blair Williams: Are you sure you don’t want to drive back with me?

Balls: Yeah. I’ve got to contact that dipshit anyway.

Blair: Sorry Veronica was not answering her phone.

Balls: Eh, no worries. I’m sure it’s nothing major.

They kiss goodbye and Blair gets in the car.

As she drives down the dusty road west towards the main highway that eventually turns north towards Mexicali, Balls turns back towards the house and pulls out the cell. He dials tWBS.

tWBS (half asleep in between Veronica’s thighs): Uh, hello?

Balls: What’s so urgent?

tWBS: Foreigner.

Balls: What?

tWBS: What?

Balls: Dude, that’s not bad for this early in the morning. What’s up?

tWBS (looking down): MA DICK!

Balls: Good for you. Didn’t you call me for something?

tWBS: Um, listen, yes, but I don’t want to waste one. Can I call you back in 15 minutes?

Balls: It’s going to take you 14 minutes and 30 seconds to wake Veronica up?

tWBS: Shut up.

Veronica: Who are you talking to?

tWBS (to Veronica): Balls. (to Balls): I’ll call you back, but first I’m going to send you a text. You’ll understand why I called.

Balls: Ok, enjoy it. Throw an extra stroke in there for me.

tWBS: Ew. But yes. Later.

A few minutes later, a text message appears on Balls’ phone. He opens it and sees tWBS has sent a picture. When the file finally downloads, he opens it and is taken aback:

Balls: What the…how the….where the fu….?



Balls: So they’re in Russia?!?

tWBS: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I mean, as a Mexican, I thought you would have figured that out!

Balls: Well, after they left, I kinda figured we’d never see them again. I only care about the fútbol anyways.

tWBS: Well, they’re there and I’ve got us plane tickets!

Balls: Wait, how the? You need a visa to get into Russia and that shit takes a long time to get! Besides, with the World Cup and everything, I heard it’s super tough to get one, especially on short notice.

tWBS: Well, we’re not exactly going to Russia…

Balls: Huh?

tWBS: Dude, you know Europe is like tiny, right? I got us some super cheap airfares last minute to the first place I could find!

Balls: Oh Jesus! And that is?

tWBS: London, baby! We’ll get all the warm beer and Lesser Footy we can handle! Plus, as you know, America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, tWBS, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright… which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

Balls: Wait, what’s the purpose of us going again? Weren’t we going to try to find the girls and make up with them?

tWBS: Dude, I think that ship has sailed. There’s no way she’s taking me back, not after what happened. But I need her to understand that…

Balls: Jesus, you and your fucking closure!

tWBS: Are we NOT going?

Balls: Well, of course we are! It’s just… never mind.

tWBS: And I’ve got a surprise for you!

Balls: I can’t wait for this!

tWBS: I have lured Te Hippo out of his cave!

Balls: How the fuck did you do that?

tWBS: I promised him we’d go see a game in England with that one team he likes… Liverpool, I think?

Balls: Dude, you better get that one straight before we see him. Which is when, btw?

tWBS: His flight leaves from the East Coast tomorrow. Ours leaves in two days from LAX.

Balls: I guess I’ll hurry my ass back home and pack.

tWBS: Yeah, about that… The tickets are like SUPER cheap, so you don’t get to take any bags and carry-ons cost extra.

Balls: Oh, this is starting out wonderfully!

tWBS:  Hey, I promise to buy you all the drinks you can handle to make up for the….ummmmm….slightly less than first class accommodations.

Balls:  I suppose we don’t have assigned seats?

tWBS: That costs extra.

Balls: Food?

tWBS: Extra.

Balls: In-flight entertainment?

tWBS: I’ve got my tablet!

Balls: Fuck me…

tWBS: Extra.



To Be Continued…


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Senor Weaselo

Which scene from Eurotrip happens? My money’s either on this one or the “mi scusi” scene.


I am not singing. Never mind, OK, I’ll sing.


So long as you aren’t acting out the post absinthe scene of Michelle Trachtenberg and Travis Wester.


Balls: I suppose we don’t have assigned seats?

tWBS: That costs extra.

/Cam Newton takes another fiver out of his moneyclip


Hippo at Anfield would be good watching.

Senor Weaselo

And then we’d have to bail him out from Scotland Yard.

Horatio Cornblower

Please. It’s Hippo’s dream to never be taken alive.


We can kill him if need be.