Goddess 3 : Eurotrip – Chapter 1

INTERIOR, FLIGHT WW174, WOW AIRLINES, SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC

Balls (sitting in cramped middle seat): I’m gonna kill you.

tWBS (sitting in comfy seat on the window): What? Just because you couldn’t charm yourself to an upgrade!

Balls: I still don’t understand how you did that.

tWBS: It’s my Southern Charm!

Balls: Southern Charm my ass.

tWBS: Well, I got us tour guides for our day in Reyk.. Iceland!

Balls: That, you did. Let’s hope they don’t look like Bjork.

tWBS: Don’t you bad-talk my Pixie Princess!!

A flight attendant comes around with food. She gives a tray to tWBS and skips Balls

Balls: I’m going to kill you.

tWBS: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of this delicious Icelandic lunch!

Balls (looking over): What you got there?

tWBS: Never you mind. Keep on your side of the plane there, buddy boy.

***

REYKJAVIC INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, BORDER CONTROL

Passport Agent: And what is the nature of your visit to Iceland?

tWBS: I’d like to get laid, have some herring, and then fly on to London. Not necessarily in that order.

Balls (shaking his head): He’s kidding, officer. We’ve got a layover for one night and we’re looking forward to exploring your wonderful country!

Passport Agent (reviewing Balls’ passport): I see… You come with me.

Balls: Wait, me?

Passport Agent: Yes. Your friend can proceed.

tWBS: Later gator! I’ll grab a coffee and wait for you!

TWO HOURS LATER

tWBS is talking to two flight attendants from the flight at the arrivals area.

Balls gingerly walks towards them.

tWBS: There you are! Guðrún and Kristín, this is my friend Balls!

Balls: Hi ladies! (In a low voice to tWBS): I’m going to kill you.

tWBS: What happened?

Balls: Apparently, my American passport doesn’t mean I’m not a Mexican drug lord in the eyes of Iceland Passport Control.

tWBS: Well you do have that beach house in San Felipe. You know, I’ve often wondered how you can afford…

Balls: Shut up.

Guðrún: You have a beach house?

Balls: Yes. Yes, I do.

***

INTERIOR, TAXI LEAVING AIRPORT TOWARDS DOWNTOWN REYKJAVIC

tWBS: You alright there?

Balls (wiggling around in his seat): I just can’t get comfortable. I didn’t think my sexy European adventure would involve a cavity search by Magnús Ver Magnússon.

tWBS: Dude! Did you get his autograph?!?

Balls: It wasn’t literally him. I don’t think. Although, you never know, it is a pretty small country.

tWBS: I bet your asshole is bigger than this country right about now.

Balls: Shut up. So, what’s the deal with Guðrún and Kristín?

tWBS: They’re on the same flight we’re on tomorrow, so they’ve got the same layover as us. Unfortunately for you, Guðrún is married. Probably to Magnús or his brother.

Balls: Yaaaay. So, what’s our plan?

tWBS: We check into the hotel and then meet our tour guides. Oh, and Kristín said she might meet up with us for a drink tonight.

Balls: Of course she did. Let me guess, she’s single, right?

tWBS: Yup.

Balls: And she thinks your accent is charming?

tWBS: Yup.

Balls: You know you don’t normally talk like that, right?

tWBS: Yeah, but she don’t know that.

Balls: Fair enough.

tWBS: Brighten up! The waters of the Blue Lagoon will do wonders for your butthole!

Balls: Did it say that on the brochure?

tWBS: Actually, Kristín told me that!

Balls: Of course she did.

***

EXTERIOR, BLUE LAGOON, REYKJAVIC, ICELAND

Balls: You know, Kristín was actually right! My butthole is feeling much better!

tWBS: See? Things are looking up! Look all around you! It’s beautiful here!

Balls: Yeah, I have to admit that you’re right. It’s too bad we only have the one night.

tWBS: Trust me, that will be more than enough.

Balls lets out a fart and a large bubble arises from the pool.

tWBS: Dude!

Balls: Fucking Magnús!!

***

INTERIOR, LEBOWSKI BAR, LAUGAVEGUR

Balls: Dude, how the fuck did you find this place?!?

tWBS: Kristín’s brother is the bartender here. Isn’t this place awesome?

Balls: Fuckin A! Those rugs really tie the bar together.

tWBS: She’ll be along in a bit. Also, she said she would bring a friend.

Balls: Oh yeah?

tWBS: Yup. So, play up the “I’m from LA” thing. That might work for you.

Balls: Am I seriously getting lady advice from you?

tWBS: Am I wrong?

Balls: No, but this just feels weird.

tWBS: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY! YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT!

Balls: Oh, God.

***

FOUR HOURS LATER

Balls: I’m going to kill that asshole.

Balls is standing outside another Reykjavic bar all alone and tWBS is nowhere to be found. The two had been having a fun time with Kristín and her friend barhopping through downtown Reykjavic. At this particular establishment, Balls had gone to the restroom to pee and, when he came back out, they were all gone.

Balls thought to himself: Where could that asshole have gone? I mean, it’s not like we were that drunk that he would have gotten mugged and Iceland is supposed to be pretty safe.

Balls calls tWBS’ cell phone. No answer.

Balls (aloud): YOU MOTHER….

An elderly couple walking by cuts off his curse. With no other options, Balls decides to head back to the hotel and wait to see if he returns. As he walks the blocks to the hotel, Balls curses the WOW Airlines carry-on policy that did not adequately prepare him for the cold night. He also curses tWBS as he was both concerned and annoyed. Finally, he curses Magnús Ver Magnússon as the cold breeze keeps going up Balls’ asshole.

Eventually, he makes it back to the hotel. To his relief and dismay, he sees this on the door:

Balls: You motherfu… wait, he actually MIGHT be fucking a mother!

Balls giggles to himself.

Balls: At least the hallway is warm…

Balls lays down to sleep on the floor beside the door to his and tWBS’ room. From the inside, he can distinctly hear two girls moaning.

Balls: Fuck well, sweet prince!

Balls hoists an imaginary drink in the air in salute and drifts off to sleep.

To Be Continued…

(79/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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Game Time DecisionSenor Weaselonomonkeyfunyeah rightlitre_cola Recent comment authors
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Senor Weaselo

Iceland is in the north Atlantic, its capital city is Reykjavik.

yeah right

Alas poor WoW airlines shut down a couple of months ago.

I miss looking out of my window and seeing their hideous purple plane lined up on the runway like a giant purple dildo screaming “WOW.”

Now there’s just the giant yellow dildo with “Spirit!”

nomonkeyfun

I was really expecting a reference to these two morons after the WoW airlines.

comment image

WoW stood for Whip em out Wednesdays.

Game Time Decision

I thought WoW was World of Warcraft.

nomonkeyfun

Don’t worry Balls. The other girl’s special brother is probably telling högg-knýja jokes.

litre_cola

When does the fermented shark eating happen??????