Preseason LiveBlog: It’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHere!

It’s TIME, biznitches! Pre-Preseason Football is upon us. It is time to anesthetize ourselves to our misgivings and celebrate the unifying factor that brought us all here- NFL FOOBAW!!!

WHEN AND WHERE TO WATCH: 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. God Fearing Time. NBC.

WHERE: Canton, Ohio, because it is the “Hall of Fame Game.” Nevermind that the Hall of Fame induction aren’t until Saturday. Seriously, how the shit do Kevin Mawae and Ty Fucking Law get to share the stage with Tony Gonzalez? On the upside, I can’t wait to see the look on Ed Reed’s face when they give him a brand-new wool jacket that he didn’t have to strip off the frozen corpse of Switchyard Joe.

WHO: Seriously? Do you really care?

Fine.

Atlanta takes on the Denver Not Elways.  Frankly, I think that after Peyton’s Corpse was carried as a totem before the Ever Victorious Defense that won the Super Bowl, Elway vowed that never again would he allow a potential threat to his Greatest Bronco Quarterback title to set foot on the field.

Frankly, this game looks to be even more of a Keystone Cops farce than the usual first preseason game. Both teams look like they are resting their starters, so the world will be deprived of Joe Flacco playing under the bright lights of Nowhere, Ohio- instead we get Kevin Hogan with a side order of Drew Lock. Fortunately, I assume former defensive coordinator and High School Drivers’ Ed teacher Vic Fangio will be superaggressive in showing off new schemes and stunts on both sides of the ball.

“DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL SPEED AHEAD! But remember, one car length for every ten miles per hour.”

Matt Ryan will be sitting in favor of Matt Schaub, with the second half being played by…um…”Kurt Benkert”? Seriously? That’s not like a Random Madden Draft Pick?  The most intriguing part I see on Atlanta’s side is Judge Ito Smith trying to hold off a raft competitors vying to be Tevin Coleman’s replacement as Second Banana at running back. Uggh.

No one would actually bet on this shit, right?  I mean, how degenerate would you have to be to-

Spread, total (as of Thursday morning): Broncos by 2.5, 34.5.

NM. King Hippo rolls hard tonight. I anticipate minute-by minute prop bets.

HAPPY FOOTBALL Y’ALL.

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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King HippoUnsurprisedBrick MeathookSenor WeaseloFronkenshteen Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Fronkenshteen

Marines in the Philippines in 1941 had it worse than any American fighting men in history. They endured the Bataan death march followed by horrific prison conditions. The pacific fleet was destroyed at Pearl Harbor. Not only did we not have the forces to rescue them, we hadn’t even started to build the factories to make the boats to start to fight back in the pacific. Good Christ.

Fronkenshteen

Fat dirt Ram 1B is fat. Man by the name of White.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Spur
Spur

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Spur
Spur

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Spur
Spur

I highly recommend buying a GTX 2070 Super. My 4k porn shows pimples and razor burn now.

Gratliff

Fuck that. Drop the grand on a 2080 and then you can get VR so good you’ll actually believe you’re in the room not being the one fucking.

Spur
Spur

I can do that shit for free with stolen Regal theater 3D glasses.

herodotus450
herodotus450

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WCS

1993 called and said putting a string on the bill of a hat is a bad idea.

Spur
Spur

how many fingers does Hippo lose here with a Freaknik TD?

King Hippo

I did NOT bet this, but I would have bet ATL +2.5 if I had. So, the Donks TD would have been the rogering.

WCS

Hippo is playing Russian roulette with Chris Walken at this point.

Spur
Spur

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

what odds he give??

WCS

Mark Rypien’s kid? I thought he graduated five years ago…

King Hippo

TRUE STORY. His winning the Boise State starting job brought Ryan Finley to NC State. He’s in Denver, Finley’s in Cincinnati. So I guess he won again?

Spur
Spur

Satan?

King Hippo

well, #BFIB beat the Small Bears 7-nil, so it’s already a banner day for Our Dark Lord

...

Tweeting “cap and trade my balls daddy” as Jay Inslee’s “hot” headshot

King Hippo

Me no understand this, but I REALLY like it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Get off the internet

King Hippo

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

WCS

HAWT PRESEASON FOURTH DOWN AXXITSHUN

Spur
Spur

Folks! Games at 8pm PST right?

King Hippo

oh good, Donks using their timeouts. #CultureOfWinning

King Hippo

You see a WR wearing #2? Even his mom knows he ain’t making it.

Fronkenshteen

What’d I miss?

King Hippo

pickerception by Donks’ 11th string CB??

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take things Nathan Peterman said after every throw for $400, Alex

WCS

Well, not the other team’s players.

King Hippo

Wonder how much moneys Al Michaels has down on his own HoF induction date?

Gratliff

Seeing that white folks in Baltimore suddenly have a problem with Ed Reed and I’m here for it

Gratliff

“BUT WOULD HE WEAR A BLACK ON BLACK CRIME SHIRT ON TV!?”, I ask while duct-taping over the Reed and writing “Grbac” in sharpie.

King Hippo

Wait, wait, wait. There are WHITE PEOPLE in Baltimore??

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well they have cops, don’t they?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Scared kids at Johns Hopkins.

Senor Weaselo

And Peabody, ppl forget that.
/Did not get in at Peabody but they liked my suit

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I assume you wore a bowtie.

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

BREAKING NEWS!

Kert the BenKert is out.

Suit up Ryan!

King Hippo

I’d be asking the bench for volunteers. Put the punter in, see if the defense lays back for a quick kick.