INTERIOR, THE FASTEST CAR IN THE WORLD, A RENTED AUDI HATCHBACK WITH FULL COLLISION COVERAGE, THE A-3, JUST INSIDE GERMANY
Hippo: YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWWWW I AM FOOOOOOKKKINNN CRAAAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!
Balls (in the backseat, crossing myself): ¡¡Jesús, María, José!!
tWBS (riding shotgun because he called it a half a second before Balls): That’s right, baby! You show them how we drive in the South! Speed limits can suuuuuuck itttt!!
Hippo: I told you guys this was a great idea!
Balls (watching speedometer): One thirty… One thirty five…
tWBS: How fast do you think we can get this piece of shit rental?
Balls: One forty.
Hippo: Me feets on teh floor, so we’ll see.
tWBS: Balls, you keep track, ok?
Hippo (turning around to face Balls): Yeah! Good idea! You keep track!
Balls: TURN AROUND!! Yes, I’ll keep track, just for the love of God, face forward!
Hippo (laughing hysterically): Pussy!
tWBS: Seriously, dude, chill out!
Balls: Fucker, do you think ze Germans will appreciate the humour of two rednecks and a Mexican getting into an accident on their fine autobahn?
tWBS: Well, you put it that way…
EXTERIOR, MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT NEXT TO COLOGNE CATHEDRAL
tWBS: Where did that pussy disappear to?
Hippo: I dunno. He went inside the Cathedral methinks.
tWBS: Another McBeer?
Hippo: Don’t mind if I do!
As the two rednecks down their third beer, Balls is kneeling on one of the pews.
Eventually, he finishes, crosses himself multiple times, and heads towards the McDonald’s.
Hippo: There you are!!
Balls: No thanks to you!
tWBS: Hey, he DID miss that truck!
Balls: By two inches. The back of the truck was literally two inches from the car.
Hippo: It worked out!
Balls: Yeah, well, my pants don’t agree.
tWBS: That’s Magnus’ fault! Don’t blame teh Hippo!
Hippo: Here, have a beer! It will relax ya!
Balls: Guys, we’re seriously in fucking Germany and you’re having McBeers?
tWBS: They’re actually pretty decent.
Hippo: And cold.
Balls: So I guess we’re staying in Cologne tonight?
tWBS: Why would we do that?
Balls: Cuz you fuckers have been drinking and you’re the only two that can drive the car?
tWBS: Oh yeah.
Balls: Let’s go find us some Kölsch.
Balls: You’ll see. Hippo like.
Hippo: Boys, I love this system! They bring you a fresh beer as soon as you finish your old one!
tWBS: No shit, right? This is perfect for Hippo! Minimal effort plus very little social interaction!
Balls: Just remember to put the coaster on top when you’re done.
Hippo and tWBS look at each other, smile, and exclaim, “PUSSY!” before going back to drinking.
Balls hails the waitress and orders sausage, pretzels, and a strudel.
tWBS: Nice call!
Balls: Oh shit, you guys wanted some too? (to the waitress): Drei, bitte.
Waitress: You speak German?
Balls: Nein. Just a few words.
tWBS (in perfect German): Ich spreche Deutsch. Du bist wunderschön.
The waitress giggles, says, “Danke!”, and goes to place the order.
Hippo and Balls look at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, Balls speaks.
Balls: What the?!? How the fuck do you not only know German, but speak it fluently?!?
tWBS: There’s a lot of things you guys don’t know about me. I’m not a dumb redneck, you know.
Hippo: Neither am I, but what the fuck? What’s the story?
tWBS: Well, there was this girl…
Balls: Of course there was…
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Waitress: I knew Americans were fatasses, but damn!
tWBS: Ich habe etwas Schönes und Fettes für dich
Waitress: Mal sehen
tWBS: Wann beendest du deine Schicht?
tWBS: Zwanzig Minuten
tWBS: Dein Platz??
Waitress (to tWBS): Ja. (to Balls and Hippo): Do you want anything else? My shift ends in a bit. Heidi will be your waitress.
Hippo: I’m sure we will! We’ve got all night!
Waitress (giving tWBS a smile): Well, you all enjoy yourselves!
The waitress heads off towards the kitchen
Balls: What was that all about?
tWBS (innocently): Nothing. She’s nice.
Hippo: This food is amazing! Give me that big ole curried sausage dick!
Balls: Only in Germany can I answer that with a yes.
EXTERIOR, EAST BANK OF THE RHINE RIVER, DOWNTOWN COLOGNE
Balls: Where the hell did that asshole go?
Hippo: No idea, mate. It’s getting late, too.
Balls: I’m tired too and we don’t have a hotel room.
Hippo: Fuck it. This little beachside park seems nice. Why don’t we sleep here for the night? I don’t see any cops.
Balls: Normally, I’d say no, but I don’t want to walk anymore looking for his ass and a hotel. Fuck it.
Hippo: Want a pill to make you fall asleep?
Balls is instantly asleep.
Hippo: Yay! More foar me!
THE NEXT MORNING
Balls: Holy shitballs!
Hippo: What the?!?
Balls: I mean, nice ass, but what the indeed.
Hippo: Damn. I mean, yeah you’re right about the ass, but. Damn.
Balls and Hippo walk slowly towards the naked German.
Balls: Hello! Do you speak English?
Naked German (turning around): Yes, of course! Why are you not naked?
Hippo: Oh shit, German dong. Hmm, is this a nude beach?
Naked German: Yes, of course! You must remove your clothes!
Balls (trying not to look at the German dong): Uh, ok. Can you please let us know the way back towards the cathedral?
Naked German: Not until you are nude.
Hippo and Balls look at each other.
Hippo: Might as well…
Balls: Yeah, I guess.
They strip down naked in front of the German dude.
Naked German: Ha ha! Stupid Americans! You know it’s really not mandatory. It’s clothing optional. Nice dick, by the way, Mr. Pink!
Hippo: Ah thank you kindly!
Balls: Hey! It’s cold out! By the way, how do you get your dick so tanned?
Hippo: That’s like a George Hamilton dick. Do you use a special SPF? How does that work?
Naked German: Well, you see…
TWO HOURS LATER, INTERIOR OF PARKING LOT WHERE RENTED AUDI IS PARKED
tWBS walks towars the car.
Balls: Where the hell have you been?
tWBS: Dude, I think I may never be right again.
Balls: What are you talking about?
tWBS: I saw shit I can never unsee. I DID shit I can never undo.
Hippo: Umm, you wanna tell us about it?
tWBS: Not here. Let’s get in the car and get the fuck out of this city. Head south.
Balls (looking at Hippo with a concerned look): Ok, buddy. Whatever you say.
INTERIOR, SHITTY AUDI RENTAL, TRAVELING SOUTH ON THE A-3
Balls (breaking out of thousand-yard stare): You know, you make jokes about it all the time, but you never think it actually happens in real life.
Hippo and tWBS stare at the road ahead, quietly.
Balls: How many showers did you take?
tWBS: Not enough.
Balls: To think that Hippo and I thought we were the only ones to see German dong today…
Hippo stares ahead.
tWBS: What?!? What happened to you guys?
Balls: Absolutely nothing compared to you.
Hippo: Yeah, like, nothing, man.
Balls: And there was no plastic wrap?
Balls: And she?
Balls: And you?
tWBS: Also yes.
Balls: And Gunter?
tWBS: Do we have to rehash it?
Balls: No, you don’t.
Everyone is quiet and the only sound is the engine running.
Balls: On the bright side, she wasn’t injured!
tWBS stares daggers at Balls
tWBS: Did you forget what happened to Gunter?
Balls: I don’t blame you for that. That could have been anyone’s p…..
tWBS: Are we done now?
Balls: Ok, I guess so. Anyone up for some German pancakes?
Hippo: I could eat. What’s the difference between Dutch pancakes and German pancakes?
Balls: German pancakes have Nutella on them…
To Be Continued…