I have gathered the DFO luminaries Gratliff and WhyEaglesWhy to assist me in breaking down the coming season.

Q – How was your summer?

Gratliff: I have not seen a sporting event I care about since the Flyers were eliminated in mid-March. I want to die. 

WhyEaglesWhy: WELL ACTUALLY, it’s winter here in the Land Down Under. I like winter in Australia because it makes me feel superior. All the natives run around in hats and scarves and gloves when it’s 48 degrees like they’re working at that research station in The Thing, and I have a hoodie because it’s actually not cold.

litre_cola: Kid is still alive, have gotten blackout drunk at every futbol game I have attended so I would say overall a non suicidal summer.

Q – How many games will Dakota Jesus play this year before getting broken?

Gratliff: 17. His ACL may make it to 12.

WhyEaglesWhy: I honestly first thought this question was about Dak Prescott, and I appreciated the level of hate. I really don’t know what to think about Wentz’s health, and I don’t think anyone does. I will say 14, because I would be happy with that unless he misses the last two because he got trapped under his John Deere and lost a leg.

litre_cola: He plays 6 gets hurt for 6 then comes back and we hear the talking heads say “This severed elbow could be good for him, give him a rest in the middle of the season”

Q – Is the secondary still Jenkins and whoever they pick up on the way from the airport?

Gratliff: Until he got hurt, Jalen Mills still had a job, so it must have been a slow day on the Delaware Expressway.

WhyEaglesWhy: I…I don’t think so! I have adopted Sidney Jones as my 2019 Guy Everyone Raves About In Camp That I Am Foolishly All In On. Prove me wrong, Sidney. Prove me wrong.

litre_cola: I think we have upgraded to sign spinners at the local Gold Buying shop, or a Rittenhouse Square busker.

Q- Would you trade Swoop for Gritty?

Gratliff:

WhyEaglesWhy: Every day and twice on Sunday. I think there is a deal to be made, too. Even Gritty may not have enough grit for Flyers fans, as he appears to enjoy himself at times. The Flyers need a mascot who wears military-themed t-shirts with skulls on them and has multiple sets of Truck Nutz.

litre_cola: Gritty should be your president.

Q – Who do you think will breakout this year?

Gratliff: Jalen Mills’ foot.

WhyEaglesWhy: I want to say Dallas Goedert because he is The Truth. But honestly, even if he is vastly improved, he sits behind Zach Ertz, who is a black hole that sucks in all targets. So I’m going with my boy Sidney!

litre_cola: Dallas Goedert will be a beast. I have Ertz in a keeper league so I fully expect him to go down week 4 and Goedert have a huge season.

Q – What will be the biggest deficiency?

Gratliff: Somebody keeps signing checks made out to Jalen Mills. So, I’m saying that motherfucker.

WhyEaglesWhy: Pass rush. I will believe in Derek Barnett when I see it. Backup QB is a bit of a problem too, with Nate “Not Foles” Sudfeld breaking his wrist in the first preseason game and 5th round rookie Clayton Thorson displaying a level of accuracy heretofore seen only in Mike Lombardi evaluations of coaching hires.

litre_cola: The secondary was last year and will continue to be this year. Jenkins will get taken by ICE in the middle of the night and we will really be fucked. Is Bel Biv Devoe from Philly? I think they are, throw those guys back there, I am sure they would do anything for a buck these days. You are God damned right they are still touring.

Q – How will Desean Jackson do this year?

Gratliff: He’s the greatest wideout in Philadelphia history. I love him so much. When my kid was 5, I bought a crazy oversized Jackson jersey for him to wear that lasted him ‘til he was 11. As far as I’m concerned, he’s the star of the show this year. D-Jax is gonna completely sell out his body in every game this year for one last “I told you so” season. It’s going to be glorious, and then he’s going to retire a broken man. He’ll take off his helmet and just age and stumble and die like Melisandre.

WhyEaglesWhy: Fuckin’ fantastic.

litre_cola: Oh he will be in full fuck you mode. The Eagles haven’t had a speed receiver since Mike Wallace but he Jackson can catch. With Alshon, Aglohor and the 2 tight ends, there will be a lot of guys in one on one coverage.

It is game by game prediction time!

Week 1 -Redacteds –  Litre

Is this the game Dakota Jesus gets injured? No, it isn’t. This is the game that gets Eagle fans hopes up where they lay a beating on the Slurs. HOW GOOD COULD THEY BE??? WAS DESEAN THE MISSING PIECE? No the Slurs are just really shitty and it feels good knowing that.

Eagles 38 Slurs 10

Week 2 -@Falcons – WEW

The Eagles and Falcons have played a fair bit in recent years. We always think it’s going to be a shootout, and it always turns into an ugly jaw-clenching grind. Wentz struggles and the fans call for Cody Kessler, but Jordan Howard keeps the ball away from Matt Ryan just enough.

Eagles 13, Falcons 10

Week 3 – Lions –  Gratliff

DeSean vs. Detroit: 22 rec, 344 yards, 2 TDs

I moved to Michigan almost 15 years ago now, and probably my favorite of the many ways Lions fans are better than the rest of the NFC North fans is that they have no expectations whatsoever about their football team. They really know their place as the traditional laughing stock of the NFL. There’s none of this “BUT THE 80’s!” nonsense because the 80’s here were shit too. Imagine your favorite championship team of all time was actually just one player, and that everyone else they worked with was the worst person who ever did the thing that they do and so nothing came of it. Now imagine that player’s talent is at a level so beyond everyone else that they get canonized by every fan of the sport and their accomplishments are treated not only as aberrations of your garbage tradition, but as feats that belong collectively to all football fans. Now imagine that the player himself dislikes your team so much that he no longer even associates himself with your team and wouldn’t give you the time of day if he saw you wearing Honolulu blue with his name on it while you’re holding your newborn son with the middle name “Sanders”. That’s being a Detroit Lions fan. God bless them all. Oh, right the thing. Uh, Lions win. Fuck it. Maybe they realize Danny Amendola isn’t someone you can build an offense around and end up being the suckers who sign Other Brandon who then goes off for one last hurrah.

Week 4 – @Packers – Litre 

This takes place in October which isn’t frozen tundra-ey enough for me. Will this be the week that Dakota Jesus gets injured? Nope, not yet but getting close. In a duel with A A Ron we get torched deep because Jenkins blew out his knee and we signed a Green Bay busker to play safety. 

Green Bay 35 Philadelphia 21

Week 5 – Jets – WEW

Every year the Eagles lose a game they have no business losing. For years, it was always the Cardinals, but now the opponent is spread around rather democratically. This year it’s the frisky and sneaky-talented Jets. The Eagles go up 14-0, and then slowly and methodically let their guard down as the Jets gain momentum. Before you know it, Sam Darnold is running down the field with his helmet in the air after throwing a touchdown to Josh Bellamy with :38 left.

Jets 21, Eagles 17

Week 6 – @Vikings – Gratliff

DeSean vs. Minnesota: 20 rec, 431 yards, 3 TDs

Kirk Cousins is garbage, will always be garbage, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You guys should’ve just waited another year and sold out to get Foles so that when your deeply traumatized fanbase has mass Freudian slips and accidentally honors The Endowed One instead of their favorite chewing tobacco, they could pretend they meant to say his name. Instead, Mr. My-Career-Peaked-In-A-Backstage-GIF is going to finish the swan dive he started this team on last season with a full-on crater. This will be one of the rare shining moments for the Vikings as they avenge their hilarious, abysmal failure during last season’s finale in which they gifted the Bears the opportunity to lose in the Wild Card round to the Eagles in an equally, but differently, hilarious, abysmal failure. Captain Dingleberry will bust out one of his bi-annual Actually Good performances before getting back to doing everything in his power to make Vikes fans long for the days of the possible felony sexual assault boat.

Week 7 – @ Cowboys – Litre 

 Oh hell yes this is the game where Dakota Jesus gets hurt. It will be a tight game and in the third quarter DeMarcus Lawrence decapitates him because turnstile Vatai misses an assignment. Nate Sudfeld comes in and gives us a glimmer of hope but we ultimately lose in Jerry land by a Jason Witten touchdown which will be a perfect Fuck you to the Eagle fans who are walking around with erections half the size of a Dalessandro’s cheeseteak because they thought Wentz would stay healthy all year.

That. That’s what’s gonna happen again. With any luck, Coughlin will hear about it through telegram and just fall over dead, so Jacksonville can finally break through and become what they always thought they could be: a marketing tool for AEW.

So it looks like we all think they will make the playoffs because their division is so bad and they get the AFC East, but Wentz will get injured and they will lose to RAMMIT in the Wild Card Round. and the Cowboys will go to the Superb Owl and lose to the Patriots. That is the timeline we are in.

Soooo I found this, I have not watched it yet. I was looking for Randall Cunningham’s old talk show which was like Arsenio Hall but stumbled in to this. Let’s watch together shall we?