Your “No Injuries. No Injuries. No Injuries” Saturday Night Open Thread

There’s a Sirius XM station that is completely dedicated to fantasy but there are no women on it (that I have heard). So you know what that means-men screeching at the top of their lungs about how much they love those big and fast Men In Pads. I’ll do my usual ticking off of the tilts on offer tonight and tell you what I’ve gleaned by listening to these fellas that like to holler. TO THE GAMES!

Hou/Dal:

No one likes Lamar Miller and everyone was disappointed on the news that D’Onta Foreman was IR’ed. Everyone lines up on the side of management with respect to the Zeke Elliot Debacle. One guy called the whole situation, and I quote, “uppity”. Wow. Oh, btw, they will all be taking him third or fourth if they have the opportunity.

Chi/Ind:

The 5’6″, 180 pound Tarik Cohen is getting no love at all except as a PPR play. Mike Davis, who has 37 pounds on Tarik isn’t liked by anyone either. All the love is centered on rook David Montgomery.

N.O/NYJ:

Kamara is the consensus #2 behind Saquon. No one expects Latavius Murray to fill the stat sheet the way Ingram did last year but the talkers lament the fact that they have to grab Murray later because he’s the handcuff. The collective wisdom states that Jared Cook will go on a tear like Jimmy Graham did way long ago.

S.F./K.C.:

If Jimmy G doesn’t show out tonight he’ll fall even further down the rankings. (is there that much more to go?) That tidbit of him throwing 5 straight picks in practice has gained a lot of traction. Also, the bloom is off the rose as far as Damien Williams is concerned. Many are stating that he’s over-ranked.

Broncs/Rams:

Courtland Sutton is getting all the love-the logic being that he’ll take the second-year jump with the help of a competent qb. I didn’t hear a single Jake Butt joke.

Sea/LAC:

Chris Carson is gaining traction after an initial crush on Rashaad Penney slowly dissipated. Hunter Henry is set to go second among the second tier of te’s, right after Evan Engram.

Aside from this stuff there’s some baseball and a college football game! Entertain yourselves as you see fit, as usual. And if there are any reprobates from last year skulking about, give us a little hello to let us know you’re back on board when the games get all ‘real’ and stuff.

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Brocky

I feel shitty that I’m enjoying this retirement this much. God do I hate the fat humps

theeWeeBabySeamus

My lovely lady lumps?

Doktor Zymm

Whoa, sea cucumbers are SUPER WEIRD LOOKING and should maybe be called sea cauliflower instead?

Spur

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Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

OH GOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND ME ISN’T HE!?!?

Mr. Ayo

Make sure to record some video of this encounter.

Doktor Zymm
theeWeeBabySeamus

Sneaky Owls are worstest owls.

Horatio Cornblower

Evening, Lizard People.

It’s been a long enough day that I’ve just started drinking, and I intend to keep at it until picking a fight with the Barred Owl hooting outside my house seems like a good idea.

Mr. Ayo

We’re here for you. And we support your mission.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m right there with you. But my foe is a possum which got in the garage. Or an opussum.
Fuck!!! Which one is right?

Mr. Ayo

Our resident vet is the best.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I might already be a little drunk.
And the possum isn’t doing much better.

/grabs broom and shotgun

Doktor Zymm

Whichever, they’re awesome! Possum RULE!

Horatio Cornblower

Have you tried opening the garage door?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That made me laugh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Little fucker is under my toolbox. Won’t leave voluntarily.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t say I blame him/her. It’s raining.

Doktor Zymm

I’m a fish person now, or at least one of those amphibious lizard people

Spur

That Owl will fuck you up.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, absolutely. In fact Hippo already got $50 in at 3-1 on the owl.

King Hippo

chuh chuh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Jesus Christ, Moose, I’d rather read ‘It’ by a dying flashlight in the middle of the woods than see that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sweet dreams….

King Hippo

I want to be happy for the ‘Bows, but their QB is a white guy with dreadlocks.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Are they planning on reviving the Dating Game on teevee? I want to go on just so I can say “This is a question for Bachelor #2. Do you consider yourself more like a cuttlefish, or more like an octopus?”

King Hippo

You’ll get nothing but “8 inches” allusions

Doktor Zymm

It’s a great question because there are tons of opportunities for innuendo, but also many opportunities to be super nerdy about marine life! I would be 100% entertained if someone came back with an answer about hanging out in crevasses

Horatio Cornblower

‘I’m more like a giant squid, in that I’m rarely seen, and when I do show up I’m awfully clingy and prone to scavenging.”

Doktor Zymm

“How big are your posterior fins?”

Dunstan

If they bring it back, Norm Macdonald can bring back this brilliant bit:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyzYhSNNr5Y

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Got Milk?

Brick Meathook

For a long time I’ve tried to change my avatar picture on this site. It never works. I like Bill the Cat but sometimes you need to change and evolve and grow older and closer to the best coffin your estate can provide.

For years this image of The Mouse punching out his eyeballs has been my desired change:

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But now I want to be this:

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The two different-sized eyeballs are fantastic. I wish I could draw like this.

Gratliff

I’ve had the same problem for a few years now. Nobody seems to know why and nothing seems to work.

Doktor Zymm

Do you think Andy Reid has an instinctive fear of polar bears?

Unsurprised

No more than walls fear him

Doktor Zymm

So, there’s no way I’m going to be an experienced enough diver to dive in Greenland when I visit next May, but that’s okay, excuse to go back 😛

SonOfSpam

Wait til we own it. Should be before the end of the year.

Doktor Zymm

It’s all going to end in tears and tarriffs

SonOfSpam

Just like a late night visit to Ivanka’s room.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Holy fuck!

Doktor Zymm

What’s the appropriate response when your oldest friend just announced she’s switched her allegiance to Pats? I feel like I should point out that if you’re going to stop being a Redacteds fan because racism, you aren’t going all that far switching to the Whitey team

King Hippo

that’s MOAR like doubling down, really

SonOfSpam

Murder. At the very least, maiming.

WCS

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Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

this has to be Buddy, right??

Brick Meathook

I’m pretty sure it actually is.

SonOfSpam

It’s a great account, whoever it is.

Doktor Zymm

I want to work for a team called the Orcas, and I want to set up elaborate taunts of rival teams that involve extended herring ball metaphors

Doktor Zymm

Why, YES, I should absolutely watch the nature special about the ocean after doing all my pool dives! I love Lycra btw, Lycra skin suit means you can pop a wet suit on and off like normal clothes, it’s freaking amazing.

King Hippo

Gee, 6-3 late in the 3rd. Glad I set the DVR to record the middle of night Donks/RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! replay.

/but seriously, I’m geeked to see this defense in regular season action. LOVE defensive FITBAW

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

ALL of their inside LBs are injured.

King Hippo

as if the TE “list of the ded” weren’t long enough. Good thing the OLB are very, very, very good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Butt’s Back.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

yeah, we’ll see if he can still walk tomorrow

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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OK, calm down…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

I dont think Arizona knows the game started yet.

Mr. Ayo

Daylight Savings Time strikes again!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

wonder if Blaxito has his first BEAR DOWN onesie yet?

SonOfSpam

Unfortunately, when Blax told the store “Yeah, I want a onesie bear outfit” they sent him some leather and a ballgag. Still put it on the kid, of course. Ain’t gonna waste $49.99 plus shipping.

King Hippo

hey, whatever keeps ’em quiet

ballsofsteelandfury

Adelaide Crows v Western Bulldogs in 10 minutes!!

SonOfSpam

(ya think anyone took Adelaide? We’ve all thought alike this week)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Touchdown, Gay-Ass Rainbow Warriors!

King Hippo

the hilarious thing is they officially DROPPED the Rainbow part in the 80s, because the coaches said the “gay connotation” hurt it for recruiting. Then like 5-10 years ago, they brought it back because it’s unique and cool.

/but still kinda gay

SonOfSpam

Yep, a lot of “no homo” issues back then. Hey, I was as guilty as anyone til I realized moar chicks for me (hypothetically anyway).

ballsofsteelandfury

The Pac 12 is going to suck again, isn’t it?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

King Hippo

oh yeah. Which SUCKS b/c we need Troi Boiz to at least beat Notre Dame.

SonOfSpam

Hate to be optimistic, but I think the Pac-12 will have 4-5 really-good-but-not-playoff teams. Oregon, Washington, Utah, Stanford, and maybe Wazzu will be tough. I just hope, as always, for a good UCLA season and a terrible USC season.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

CBS ticker says retired due to “mental fatigue” – not that this guy has had catastrophic injuries to 5-6 body parts as a pro, and now has a leg owie they can’t even figure out what’s causing it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

It’ll be amazing when he sees a real doctor and is fixed in 2 months.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Redshirt

Was Andrew Luck hurt this preseason or did he just decide in Preseason Week 3 to call it a career?

Dick E. Phuck

He had a nagging calf issue that lingered through training camp.

Unsurprised

Shouldn’t he have weaned that thing by now

JerBear50

He’s just tired of having to talk to Peter King.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This has ruined many a promising football career.

JerBear50

Ruined many a meal for me as well.

Brick Meathook

Luck has a bright future in the XFL, since his dad is the commissioner.

SonOfSpam

Switching over to CBS Sports Network for Arizona-Hawaii from Aloha Motherfuckin Stadium.

Mahalo, football gods.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Genuinely bummed about Luck. Who the fuck do I root for now?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Brisket?

Mr. Ayo

Heat death of the universe?

Mr. Ayo

Eat Arbys.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s about even; you have to pick one.

Dick E. Phuck

Charles Koch to die

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I hope they all suck Kochs in hell.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am too; he’s a good player. Also hate that there is even less of a chance for Brady defeats.

King Hippo

yeah, with the 500s tissue paper OL, and inevitable regression by Kermit, it’s hard to see how anyone in the AFC can beat them in January. Maybe #ThePauls?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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True, he most likely wouldn’t have made it through the year.

King Hippo

xtra #BFIB energy!!

Redshirt

Is this the first time this guy has handled a football?

Redshirt

Refs: “After futher discussion, we’re not going to bail Miami out.”

SonOfSpam

Glad that happened. For such a sloppy game, the refs have done a good job.

WCS

HAIL BLEERGH

Mr. Ayo

BLEERGH IS DISPLEASED

Dick E. Phuck

BLEERGH has had enough offerings this night

Redshirt

Why did I watch several EAS Youtube videos about Tornados, Meteor Crashes, Zombie Outbreaks BEFORE I go to bed?

King Hippo

go to BED? Rainbows v. Bear Down FOAR Midterms are on CBSSN!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I usually get sleepy masturbating to that stuff too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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PANICS IN SPANISH!

SonOfSpam

Safe to say, whoever wins this game absolutely does not deserve it.

Dick E. Phuck

Fitting for the setting, because Florida does not deserve to be a state.

Mr. Ayo

Just usher them to the end zone already.

ballsofsteelandfury

I hope everyone realizes that the “moderator” is a bot and not a real life person reading every comment.

I mean, we don’t have lives, but we’re not that bad…

SonOfSpam

You liar. No one has a life here.

Dick E. Phuck

I pay rent in my Mom’s basement!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Weird thing is she moved out years ago.

Redshirt

So what’s your saying is Skynet is now active and the Machines are taking over?

SonOfSpam

/crosses fingers for a giant buff naked man to appear out of nowhere

Redshirt

That’s your Stand By Comment for everything!

SonOfSpam

Especially Saturday night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Yes. And they love dick jokes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I know, but mine got moderated by an actual LIVING Canadian!

ballsofsteelandfury

I didn’t understand that one, but I’m sure he’s sorry.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Sourry.

The Maestro

I am sourry, for the record. Sometimes I’m a little overzealous.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No problem, I just want to make sure of the rules.

She’s finished the cereal now anyway.

SonOfSpam

LOfLorida

King Hippo

THAT’S SO FLORIDA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What “comfort food” sells out first?

King Hippo

Do they make gravy-flavoured Moon Pies?

WCS

3rd and 27? JV NFL Blitz!

Mr. Ayo

And then a PI! BANANACAKES CONFIRMED!

Spur

Double J talks Hodor into joining Dallas next year.

Dick E. Phuck

Not before giving Dak like 80 percent of the cap

WCS

DOUBLE BANANAANANANANANANCAKES ACHIEVENTMENT UNLLLOCKKED

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Who has Luck on their FF team?

Spur

This Miami/Gator game is good

King Hippo

in a very Florida Man way

WCS

BANANACAKES ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

Mr. Ayo

TURNOVER CHAINS FOR EVERYONE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Dingleberry went 3-13, 35 against the Qardinals. Jeebus

Gratliff

In my darkest hour, I will be sustained by Cousins’ mediocrity

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THAT’S A GREAT YARDS PER COMPLETION!

WCS

Keep smoking that crystal, Clots fans.

Dick E. Phuck

They’re booing Luck like it’s a gay pride parade.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, PENCE’D AND LAUGHED.

King Hippo

Entropy is a beautiful thing.

Gratliff

Holy shit they’re booing Luck. THis is going to be delicious.

King Hippo

Humps gon’ Hump

Brick Meathook

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Dick E. Phuck

My man is packin some heat!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I’M A GROWER NOT A SHOW-ER!!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“THE WATER IS VERY COLD, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW!”

...

How does this get past the auto-moderation but the Ben Garrison cartoon I post not? lol

Gratliff

I side with the moderators on this one

SonOfSpam

I, for one, welcome our new boundary-pushin overlords.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just got one moderated that didn’t show anything but butt cheeks. Oh well.

SonOfSpam

Kinda my point. Don’t care either way, but the chaos is fun.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, didn’t know you saw that cereal killer lady.

SonOfSpam

Oh, I did, and finished.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Drink the sweet milk from the bowl, let some run down your chin….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damn it, just re-aroused myself.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To be fair; that could be her butt hair combed under and not pubes.

King Hippo

Also, we should run a pool for when somebody on ESPN suggests TEBOW!!!

Mr. Ayo

It’s already happened.

WCS

But nawt thaht Kahhpernack fack!

SonOfSpam

He doesn’t have the…necessities.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Of course it has.

King Hippo

Think of what they can do with all that cap space!!

Mr. Ayo

Will they luck into another franchise QB next draft in Tua or Herbert?

King Hippo

they’d have to purposefully tank, but maybe they will

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They will have more cap space than is inside your average MAGA hat!!

King Hippo

oh, that’s GOLD

Dick E. Phuck

Now Irsay can hire someone to shove the powder directly up his nasal cavity instead of having to bend over and roll up a Washington himself.