So, like many of you, I’m sitting here watching TV and I see things that make me say WHAT THE…. (please note they don’t let me swear in the first 40 words).

Anywhoo, I figured I’d start a new occasional series of posts having to do with the weird things in life that make you go (counts words… WHAT THE FUCK?!?)

Today’s topic:

The National Car-maker Spokeswomen

It all started with Toyota and Jan:

Somehow, someway, Jan’s crazy eyes dug deep into America’s soul. She captured it like a succubus and then she eventually spawned Mariela, the Latina Jan:

As with all things sexy, the Latino version was vastly superior. Unfortunately, most people in the US still don’t speak spanish, so they were stuck with Jan.

For a while.

All of a sudden now, I’m noticing that EVERY major car-maker has their version of Jan. I first noticed it with KIA:

and then Hyundai:

and now Honda:

Leave it to the Australians to perfect this concept with their own Aussie Jan repping an American brand:

Alls I know is that a certain someone that RTD has met casually in an elevator is not too happy about this:

It used to be that car commercials were all about the car, the driving experience, and the promise of hot sex with an impossibly hot woman if you drove the right car. Now, thanks to Jan, it’s all about the goofy awkard interactions of rubes with a moderately and accessibly attractive female trying to sell you a car.

This needs to stop.

We need to go back to the days where rubes were lured to the dealerships by large bears,

tigers,

monkeys,

and lions

Please note that all of the above featured the late great Cal Worthington, a legend in Los Angeles. Cal’s commercials were so fun and likeable that you wanted to go down there and buy a car from him even though you were 10 years old.

Then, when you grew up and were able to afford a car, you remembered him. And maybe you went to one of his dealerships to look for a car…

That’s what we need in car commercials nowadays! Give me a gorilla, a giraffe, or a gila monster and I’m driving my ass down to Lemons of Long Beach ready to put down a deposit on a piece of shit car that will break down in two months.

Pronto!

Alternatively, you can tune in to your local Spanish station on weekend mornings and watch the local dealership infomercials with hot models in super tight dresses or less while masturbating furiously:

So, to summarize,

• Y’all really need to learn spanish
• The Latinos are better at teh sexy
• I’ll buy anything from a hot girl in a bikini with a monkey.

Thank you for your support.

(105/69)