Balls on ASSignment: Thursday Night Football Review Week One

So, that was a game last night, wasn’t it? Contrary to popular opinion, that was a real football game that counted in the standings and not just another pre-season game that season-ticket holders were forced to pay full price for.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the first Live Blog of the year, you witnessed over 1090 comments and a new banner quote that perfectly encapsulates Green Bay’s 10-3 victory over the Chicago Bears.

Here are your highlights in case you missed the game:

During the game, attentions…wander. And we get into some interesting topics. At one point, I announced I was going to Pornhub to… well, you know. And this spawned a great idea from King Hippo in which you, our loyal readers, would submit Pornhub search terms for me to look up and we had some excellent suggestions.

So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, I will begin a weekly Thursday Night Football game recap and Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “Vintage Turkish”

Requestor: Brick Meathook

Results: 1182

Report: I was pleasantly surprised that the initial results were not particularly disgusting. In fact, the very first video, titled “Turkish Perfect Girls” featured two very hot and shapely Turkish blondes doing fun stuff with each other. The third result put the “Vintage” in “Vintage Turkish” as the video titled “Retro Turkish Porn” featured a Turkish dude with a frosted tip afro, heavy mustache-like eyebrows, and the vacant look of a dude with a giant penis and no blood going to his brain.

Score: This search term was Top Notch! What about a Fresca?

***

Search Term: Dustpan and brush

Requestor: Viva La Tabula Raza

Results: 1263

Report: Somewhat predictably and pretty disturbingly, the bulk of the results involved ladies using the back end of a hair brush for something other than it’s normal intended use. To paraphrase Dave Attell, who knew you needed a hair brush in the bath? Alas, no dustpans were found in the first seven pages…

Score: The severe lack of dustpans renders this search term less effective: B-

***

Search Term: “Smokey bear”

Requestor: ArmedandHammered

Results: 1296

Report: I was expecting to see a bunch of fat dudes. However, the first result was an old grandma smoking a cigarette. In fact, the bulk of the first page consisted of women in various states of undress smoking either a cigarette or a cigar. This is apparently a big fetish and I’m apparently a very innocent Mexican as I did not know this was a thing. ColoUr me surprised.

Score: Incomplete. I did not dare go past the first page of results. Some things you can’t unsee.

***

Search Term: “Gaping Hole”

Requestor: Spur

Results: 1388

Report: This was the most popular search term yet, which tells us a lot about this world we live in. As you can probably guess, this search term produced videos which featured various holes which were opened wide or, as the kids call it nowadays, “gaped”. Thankfully, I did not see anything approaching Goatse level, but I’m sure there is probably a video like that somewhere on the 28th page of results. I did not dare go that far. Call me a traditionalist, but I like my anal sex tight, not wide open like any receiver facing the Bears secondary.

Score: 3 points. Just like the Bears.

***

Finally, we had:

Search Term: “ballsack full of coins”

Requestor: BFC

Results: 1179

Report: Interestingly, the videos that came up on the search were mostly about blowjobs and paying special attention to the guy’s nutsack. I was very pleasantly surprised that there was an actual video that featured coins! I was definitely not expecting that. My favourite title was “Ballsack Inspector” with “Stuffing coins into my tight little asshole, but oh no! They get stuck!” coming in a close second.

Score: I need a shower. Clink.

***

That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!

ballsofsteelandfury
Latest posts by ballsofsteelandfury (see all)
Please Login to comment
17 Comment threads
27 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
17 Comment authors
Brick MeathookMoose -The End Is Well NighUnsurprisedLemonJelloKing Hippo Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Okay. Someone joked about balls in a glass in the Cocktail thread and shout out to “CUTE STUDENT WITH GLASSES DECIDED TO CHECK HOW MUCH SPERM IN MY EGGS” by user Flamurr. She’s really cute and it’s a pretty good POV video.

LemonJello
LemonJello

noted for research purposes

King Hippo

Estonia/Belarus (which I am christening the Track Suit Derby) is boring as fuck

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is a lot of criminal (including cyber!) that is not on TV.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“That is a LOT of vintage fetish drawings you have on file.”

-Moose

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I said this with no one else in the room.

King Hippo

3/54M extension for Tyreek Hill

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How many punched toddlers and pregnant women does that include?

King Hippo

Well, at long last he can maybe afford to pay a fraction of his child support?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think that helps with visitation……

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And to think after reading about last night’s game I was so tempted to break my pledge and start watching the NFL again…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This Is Fine.

King Hippo

Also, all I know is there is never enough lesbian businesswoman content anywhere.

King Hippo

We need a Shithole Countries World Cup

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Isn’t that the MLS Cup?

King Hippo

Won a bet this am on Uzbeki-bekistan U23s, lost on Latvia U21s.

fuck you, YOU have a problem

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

First of all, who uses Pornhub? That is the tube site I only visit when a Bing search sends me there. Not just out of decade-plus loyalty – Xvideos Forever! – but because any and every porn site with autoplaying videos can get eaten by Stuxnet. Fuck that.

Anyway,

“Smokey bear”

A couple Dancing Bear videos show up from page 2 onward. It’s not until Page 4 that you get “bears” and the first two are just fat, hairy dudes with their wives. Then a cuckold video where hubby sucks, but by far it’s smoking fetish videos. The other “bear” videos are that term used in hetero sex (and one video of a fat, hairy guy humping pillows). However, “Teddy Bear Rubbing” is on Page 7 if you’re looking for a slightly different kink.

Recommended Category For You – Anal

Thanks, Balls.

King Hippo

Hippo prefers redtube, but xvideos is a solid #2

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yeah, but Redtube is also owned by MindGeek. Xvideos and Xhamster are the two biggest non-MG tube sites (but yet all three are based out of Canada, which really makes me disappointed in the U.S.).

King Hippo

I has no clue what MindGeek is. I might as well be 70, given my lack of cultural awareness

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s because you have a job and a life and people around you.

King Hippo

-ish

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Still. No one who doesn’t work in porn should know or gaf

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, the porn search certainly was a nice diversion from that wrecked rectum of a game.

Hmm, “wrecked rectum.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“Turkish Perfect Girls”

In my mind 20K of the current 23K views are from people reading this column at work.

Those are rookie numbers. We have to get those numbers up! Hopefully it’ll get mehmet to post more videos of these girls (and, of course, for them to make more videos).

Horatio Cornblower

This may be my new favoUrite content mine.

Speaking of which, my term for next week is “content mine”

scotchnaut

I’m going with ‘vestibule management’ because that’s my thing.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The results put the emphasis on ‘management’ so it’s mostly workers doing their bosses.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

So every once in a while I like to go behind the curtain and see what searches brought people to the site. Often times there’s some weird sexual shit, either because of our creativity in the Dick Joke division or because of *ahem* special interest posts like Sexy Friday and the AVN Awards breakdowns.

With the advent of “Balls Goes Balls Deep” I’m pretty sure we’re going to get flagged as a porn site within 15 seconds.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“15 seconds!?!? What are you, some kind of marathon router?”*
-ARPANET

*translated from binary

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d rather watch most of these than any more Bears games if Nagy keeps calling plays like last night

Sharkbait

Oh this is going to be fantastic.

blaxabbath

I haven’t really exercised like at all since moving here in July. But i just got an email that the adult soccer league here found a spot for me on an adult league team. First game is 4p on Sunday.

All I can say is, thank goodness it’s co-Ed.

Game Time Decision

i assume you play centre pylon

Spur
Spur

10am Best coast time

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Never played soccer, but in mixed doubles volleyball and mountain biking the women have things to prove and the men usually try to show off; beware. In lesser rec leagues the above does not really apply as you get people of both sexes who are lumps.

King Hippo

centre back or DM is the best position for perving

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

This is great! Now I have something else to look forward to this season, because after last night, I am not so sure it will be the actual games.