Welcome back! Like the swallows to San Juan Capistrano, we return each year in the hope that Thursday Night Football will be better. Last night we got the Carolina Panthers against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a NFC South showdown that was delayed by lightning, degenerated into a political discussion of the Democratic debate, and provided proof positive that Cam Newton cannot throw an accurate forward pass to save his life.
Seriously, his injury is really bad and if he was a horse at Santa Anita, he’d already be 6 feet under (do they bury horses 6 feet under or do they have to go lower?). On the bright side, Andrew Yang Gang Bang became someone’s new Fantasy Football team name and Moose/Spur/Brick provided wonderful pics and gifs as always. Brocky and Unsurprised also provided some choice pics that will go into the Butt Bank.
In the end, a NBA game broke out and the last two minutes lasted forever because the officials couldn’t get their shit together. Ron Rivera called an end-around on 4th and a foot at the two yard line inside two minutes because he has no faith in his O line and that was that. New NFL Network Blonde Colleen Wolfe called it an ugly game immediately after and she may get fired for telling the truth.
Here are your highlights in case you missed the game:
As we mentioned last week, during the game attentions tend to wander. This has led to the birth of a new weekly recurring feature:
This Week’s Pornhub Search Terms
The concept is simple enough. You, the Commentist Party, provide me in the comments with search terms to enter into Pornhub’s search bar. I, your intrepid journalist, report back on what comes up. Without further ado,
Search Term: “content mine”
Requestor: Horatio Cornblower
Report: The very first result was “THE TEN BEST SEX POSITIONS. EVER.” and, of course, I was intrigued. Two minutes and 13 seconds later, I was introduced to The Tuna Melt, The Flying Condor, The Bangkok Tumbler, and more. Yes, I will be trying the Diddler On The Roof. As for the rest, it was a combination of videos featuring the word “mine” as in “she/he is mine” and videos featuring the word “content”.
Score: The first result was excellent, but the others failed to link the words “content” and “mine” in a comprehensive way. 2/10 would not search again.
Search Term: vestibule management
Report: How is the first result a video featuring a Kpop star sucking his manager’s dick?? I was not expecting that. Is that what vestibule means in Korean? As you may have guessed, the bulk of the results had to do with people doing things with different types of managers. My favourites involved the Property Manager series with various scenarios in which rent is due and alternative payment methods were explored. For some weird and fucked up reason, there were a lot of McDonald’s manager videos. Gives a new meaning to the Happy Meal…
Score: The severe lack of vestibules renders this search term less effective: C+
Search Term: “Balls in a glass”
Report: After one of the first few results featured a how-to guide to drinking cum out of a glass, I was relieved to see that the bulk of the results featured men and women doing their thing while wearing glasses. Yes, there were a few glass dildo and a few “hourglass figure” results, but everything else pretty much fell in line with the eyeglasses theme. Which is not a bad thing for anyone that has the hots for librarians and Harry Potter.
Score: No balls, no shirt, no dice. Yes, the eyeglass thing is sexy AF, but the search results completely ignored the Balls and, as you know, that just will not do.
Search Term: “pissing abuelas”
Requestor: King Hippo
Report: I was very worried as I typed this into the search bar. Once the results came back, I was somewhat relieved. The first one was a “Mature Mom in panties”. So far so good.
And then I scrolled down…
Damn you, King Hippo! I like the older ladies. I enjoy the MILF genre. I do NOT enjoy the GILF genre! Bless their hearts, they’re putting their artificial hips at risk for the peoples, but damn! Also, it seems black porn guys will fuck anything.
Oh, and there were, of course, pissing videos.
Score: I should have refused to do this search term like I refused to do Viva La Tabula Raza’s suggestion of “wrecked rectums”.
Finally, we had:
Search Term: “The Provo Soak”
Requestor: Col. Duke LaCross
Report: This search produced a lot more results than I expected. It seems the keyword here was “soak” as there were a LOT of wet vaginas squishing around. The best part, though, was when I found the video “Provo Teens 5”. It looks like the no-pubic-hair trend never made it to Utah. The worst part? Well, apparently you can soak diapers with pee and that’s a thing that people watch on Pornhub. A LOT.
Score: If you like wet vaginas and can quickly scroll past soiled diapers, this search term is for you!
That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!