Balls on ASSignment: Thursday Night Football Review Week Five

Welcome back! Last night we had the NFL’s second attempt at scheduling a decent game on Thursday Night: the Los Angeles Rams against the Seattle Seahawks. Did you know they throw fish at a market in Seattle? What a world! I wonder what the LA equivalent would be? Closeups of showbiz executives snorting coke off of struggling actresses’ asses? Tits? It’s a mystery.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the Live Blog, you are now, if you weren’t before, colorblind. Seriously, Seattle, WHAT THE FUCK?!?

As for the game, it was truly a great game that should have ended when Petey correctly challenged a bad call on an amazing Seattle interception as the Rams were trying for the winning field goal.

However, the radioactive blouses couldn’t get a first down and the Rams got the ball back and drove down the field to kick the winning field goal as time expired.

Only, they missed.

Here are your highlights of a classic game:

As noted previously, during the game attentions tend to wander and we get into some interesting topics. Namely, Pornhub search terms. So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, here is your weekly Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “sloppy ruined taco”

Requestor: LemonJello

Results: 1321

Report: Five words: “Taco Bell Manager Gone Wild“. On a serious note, I do love the fact that I learn new things through your perversity. I had no idea what a “ruined orgasm” was until I saw many videos using that phrase. Of course, I looked that up!

From Kinkly dot com: Ruined orgasms are orgasms that are brought about as part of tease and denial play. A partner’s genitals are stimulated to the very brink of orgasm and the stimulation is abruptly ceased. Often this will result in the frustrating experience of no orgasm occurring. However, if orgasm is inevitable and happens after stimulation has been removed, it will be much less intense and satisfying than a typical orgasm. That is why it is called a ruined orgasm.

Score: The More You Know rainbow.


Search Term: “Mayan ballgame”

Requestor: Viva La Tabula Raza

Results: 23

Report: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “23?!? That’s not even as many dicks as Dante Hicks’ girlfriend has sucked!” And you’re right.

This was, despite the small numbers, a very weird and diverse search term. You got girls of Mayan heritage, cartoons of video games, a few videos featuring “ballgames”, and, because it makes perfect sense, a video titled “Getting Fucked to Slayer

Score: 23


Search Term: “gaping Packers”

Requestor: King Hippo

Results: 1235

Report: Why do I accept Hippo’s suggestions? I am two for two in deeply regretting entering his search terms into the Pornhub search engine. The VERY FIRST video has a still that would make Goatse blush. I didn’t wait to let the preview video start before I scrolled down. Things did not improve.

Score: Goddamit Hippo!


Search Term: “trail of tears”

Requestor: Sharkbait

Results: 1088

Report: So, there are a lot of videos of hikers doing things on hiking trails. That’s good. There are also videos of people “tearing” someone apart/a new one, etc. That’s bad. There are also videos featuring people crying tears. That’s sad.

Score: No amount of hot hiker chicks can make up for the other two thirds of the video results. Hard pass.


Finally, we had:

Search Term: “albino siamese incest”

Requestor: JJFozz

Results: 91

Report: I should clarify something: When I typed the entire phrase, Pornhub came back and said there were no results. Thank you, Lord!

My curiosity took over and I decided to search “albino siamese”. Those are the 91 results I reported above.

As for the search? Well, apparently there is a porno for EVERYTHING! If you’ve ever wondered what siamese twins look like naked, this is the search term for you!

Score: 2 eyes gouged out but that doesn’t help because I can never unsee what I just saw.


That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!




International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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What happened to my cromulent suggestions?


I’m just going to assume you came to the albino Siamese and went to bed.

Senor Weaselo

I stand by telling Hermana Weaselo that “Mayan Ballgame” would be a potential drag queen persona.


I wonder what the LA equivalent would be?

Pushing a hooker off a hotel balcony. Duh.


Do they switch from call girl to hooker when they reach terminal velocity, or only after impact?

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus Christ, Fozz.