MOST GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS (and some NFL thing) Open Thread

That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.

WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!

What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.

 

PREPARE YOUR ANUS

 

Oh it’s prepared….

 

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!

That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:

“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.

Cardinal Cream: Drink It Up

For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight.  It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin.  The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.

Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.

Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on.  The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.

Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung

PREDICTION:

GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!

Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.

Enjoy, you filthy heathens.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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WCS

That was graduate-level of fuckery. I’m not a Lions fan, but, that was akin to TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS.

Sharkbait

Great comparison.

Dunstan

Here come all of the “if you don’t want the refs to fuck you over, then don’t get in close games” takes.

The Maestro

I would say that Lions fans will probably burn down Detroit in a riot tonight, but I don’t think there’s anything left to burn down there.

Sharkbait

If anything property values would go up!

Unsurprised

There’s got to be something Dan Gilbert hasn’t purchased at fire-sale prices already.

Petronel

Ridiculous, unbelieveable, complete bullshit ending aside, Crosby getting a hand-up for his LamboLeep was kinda cute.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It shouldn’t have felt like a win, AAron, because it was a fucking gift, not a fucking win.

Fronkenshteen

Who were those two rich cunts?

Viva La Tabula Raza

What a fucking horrific joke. Good job NFL!

Fronkenshteen

Owner SHOULD let Flowers speak his mind after the game, and pay his fines.
Oh my god, fuck these fat people.

Sharkbait

That’s some absolute bullshit.

Col. Duke LaCross

Pretty fucking hollow win there Green Bay.

Recovery Whiskey

They all count the same

Recovery Whiskey

What an effin farce

WCS

If there’s any justice in this world, which there is not, the Lions will block this kick.

Mr. Ayo

There’s not going to be a kick.

Mr. Ayo

Wait, what the hell am I talking about?

Spur

Justice in this world???

Sharkbait

WOW.

Spur

Refs handing the game to the Packers. Disgusting

Fronkenshteen

Are we calling Patricia “Grimace” yet?

Viva La Tabula Raza

THERE’S the home cookin’.

WCS

Oh for crying out loud.

Mr. Ayo

Holy shit, these refs.

Unsurprised

……..

Spoiler

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Dunstan

Related: anal is “the sex that God can’t see”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YM1Y4uTmRU

Brocky

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Wakezilla

So, has the refs being very much pro Green Bay tonight?

Sharkbait

The usual

Viva La Tabula Raza

The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.
—MLK

Not if Green Bay wins tonight, it doesn’t.

Unsurprised

To his credit, he was talking about Jesus Christ, not Jesus Cheesus.

Recovery Whiskey

Has anyone pointed and laughed yet at the St. louis Deadbirds? Or The Greatest Fans in Baseball ™ ??

Mr. Ayo

Getting swept THE RIGHT WAY!

WCS

Hippo’s in the Clubhouse bathroom, mixing ammonia and bleach in the tub.

herodotus450

Hey! My bathtub gin was in there!

Unsurprised

We have more important things at hand

Unsurprised

That’s to said, the mixture isn’t for Hippo. It’s for everyone not already part of the clubhouse.

WCS

23-22

Recovery Whiskey

Likely

Viva La Tabula Raza

Throw the fucking red flag!

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

For the love of Christ, I need to get the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow.

Gatoraids

Jay gruden?

Sharkbait

Good luck!

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Best of luck

Wakezilla

Good luck. Don’t forget to offer to go down on your interviewers.

What’s the job you’re applying for?

Unsurprised

Compliance Specialist

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, I hope it’s not a federal position ensuring compliance with, say for instance, OSHA or EPA regulations, because there won’t be any of those to comply with, very soon, given the way things are headed.

Unsurprised

Nah. This one’s pretty secure.

Don T

Good luck
?

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Fronkenshteen

No sweat. You’re a bad motherfucker.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=EoRov2tGZO4

Recovery Whiskey

Bevell has Stafford rolling out like he’s Russell Wilson

Viva La Tabula Raza

C’mon Detroit, go against type and don’t fuck this up.

Mr. Ayo

They had a red zone INT like 5 seconds ago and somehow still gave up another TD 2 seconds after that.

They are the LioUns.

Brocky

Don’t care if it’s a Facebook meme, the fact that i have this ready….

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Unsurprised

I hope she chokes on them.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Unsurprised

Her husband was envious

herodotus450
WCS

So, when the Lions take over with 32 seconds left, Packers with no timeouts, and when Stafford kneels, the refs will say it’s a fumble. That’s how this ends, right?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Magic 8 Ball Responds:

It is certain.
● It is decidedly so.
● Without a doubt.
● Yes – definitely.
● You may rely on it.
● As I see it, yes.
● Most likely.
● Outlook good.
● Yes.
● Signs point to yes.

Viva La Tabula Raza

OH, 3rd and five, time for another phantom call.

Gatoraids

Commandant Lazard is back

Unsurprised

Too lazy to mess with the controls on my phone while listening to podcasts on Bluetooth. The Dollop comes on.

Episode 400. !

Special Guest – Patton Oswalt. !!

Subject

Spoiler

RONALD!

FUCKING!!

REAGAN!!!

Unsurprised

If not the GOAT music video, it’s easily top five.

scotchnaut

Gotdamn, that was funny.

Brocky

Shit like that is why I’ll never tolerate packers fans complaining about the refs

0 ReplyEdit
October 14, 2019 9:16 pm

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

There are tacos of the pollo asado kind being made in the Commander ziggurat tonight.

Unsurprised

This rules

Brocky

Tacos!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Aaron Brady smiles inside.

Gatoraids

Packers musta been acquired by Goldman Sachs to be bailed out that bad

Gatoraids

WePack

Unsurprised

The best IPO collapse until Saudi Aramco when MbS has to admit that, OOPS, Saudi Arabia hit peak oil years ago.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Fucking bullshit call.

Sharkbait

Bailout flag is bailout.

Spur

BS call to bail out Rodgers

Recovery Whiskey

Personal Foul … hitting a quarterback named Brady or Rodgers .. 15 yards and first down

Gatoraids

Rodgers Bitch Face the new RBF

Recovery Whiskey

She put her hand in it and it was dry

Viva La Tabula Raza

Curly “Fries” Lambeau Field Home Cookin’.

Unsurprised

Curly fried toilet seats

Sharkbait

I wish they would mic up the reviews like the TV Match Officials at the Rugby world Cup

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nats up 8-1 and Lions up 22-13? Good.

Gatoraids

Sam darnold please give Tom Brady mono

WCS

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Sharkbait

What is a catch, version 9,685