Balls on ASSignment: Thursday Night Football Review Week Seven

Welcome back! Last night, we got a classic AFC West battle between the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs.

On Fox.

I still find it weird when the conference TV alliances are ignored and we get these AFC games on the NFC network and the NFC games on the AFC network. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman announcing this game was the usual level of craptastic but with an added level of weirdness.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the Live Blog, you saw the Patriots being given the AFC Championship on a silver platter in the second quarter when Patrick Mahomes hurt his knee and was out for the rest of the game.

We don’t know the extent of the damage but we should be pretty safe in assuming the worst. Does State Farm cover this kind of thing?

As for the game, it was a classic case of winning the battle and losing the war.

Here are your highlights:

As noted previously, during the game attentions tend to wander and we get into some interesting topics. Namely, Pornhub search terms. So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, here is your weekly Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “deep Alabama”

Requestor: nomonkeyfun via Sharkbait

Results: 1299

Report: I was not expecting a bunch of videos with gigantic penises but I guess that’s what you get when Pornhub interprets “deep Alabama” as “Fuck it, I’m going deep!”

I have no doubt one of those big penises belongs to Rex Grossman. Now, for equal time, I must reveal that there was a lot of “deep licking”! A prime example was the video, “Deep anal licking with long and pointy tongue”.

Score: 2 Balls Deep. There were, thankfully, no videos that I could find in the first few pages having anything to do with Alabama.


Search Term: “bananacakes”

Requestor: Scotchnaut

Results: 1171

Report: I firstly have to say that I am REALLY glad that Scotchy’s suggestion had nothing to do with hobos or bindles. I’m not sure I could have handled that. (/bets $100 someone will suggest “hobo bindles” as a search term for next week in the comments).

Secondly, WE HAD MORE CAKE FARTING VIDEOS!! We truly live in amazing times. There were also fartless cake videos. I recommend the “Hot Office Babes Love Cake & Cock” video. You will never look at another office cake gathering the same way again.

Score: Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes.


Search Term: “Culiacan money shot”

Requestor: Son Of Spam

Results: 2296

Report: This is, by far, the highest number of results for a search term since I’ve stated doing these posts. It figures the request came from SonOfSpam.

You’ve got money shots, you’ve got Mexican congresswomen from Culiacan sex tapes, and you’ve got something I’ve never seen before in my life. I figured it existed, but I’ve never seen it until now: Someone stuck a tiny camera inside a hoohah and filmed a penis doing its thing. Yes, complete with a money shot at the end.

Score: It’s the second result.


Search Term: “Lithuania”

Requestor: Sharkbait

Results: 52

Report: I’m shocked. I really thought there would be more results for this. Maybe they HAD to have Lithuania in the title? I don’t know, but “From Lithuania With Love” is a great title for a video.

Score: 52 ml of fury


Finally, we had:

Search Term: “lactation porn on Mondays”

Requestor: Herodotus450 via King Hippo

Results: 1540

Report: I really should know better, shouldn’t I? I mean, King Hippo’s suggestions are NEVER good. You get what you expect with this search term. HOWEVAH, you also get a lot of videos showing things people like to do on Mondays. Did you know Masturbation Monday is a thing? My innocent self did not. Turns out Garfield is an idiot.

Score: MM


That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!




International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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Garfield is an idiot? Looks like someone is going to need to Google lasagna cumshot next week.

Game Time Decision

always love the scoring in these.
/pun intended