Oh me, oh my – some BANANACAKES stuff went down late, in several locales.  No Donks WOO! = no Hippo stress, just enjoyed the parade.

I don’t think too many folk would have been surprised by a 26-9 scoreline, but the “9” belonged to Breesus Christ…at HOME against the Falcons?  I guess that WR coach really did need to be handling defensive duties all along.  And it maybe caught N’Awlins by surprise, with ATL flying all over the pitch, and never relenting.  This wasn’t freak play-driven, it was an ass kicking.  Santa Clara chuckles at its catbird seat position in the NFC.  The more you think you understand, the dumber you feel after the final whistles blow.  At least that is my predominant feeling.

We joked beforehand, but the Match of the Day might really have been Joisey faceoff bowl.  Los Gigantes spotted the Jest two TDs, but surged back to take a 27-21 lead.  Naturally, the Jest folded and went to 1-8…wait, no, I didn’t fever dream it.  TD and 2 FGs later, and Gang Green won it going away, 34-27.  They damned near completely shut down Saquon (who doesn’t look like he was rushed back to action, was just a good gameplan), and won despite 4 Danny Dimes scoring passes (2 to Golden Taint, 2 to scotchy sleeper Slayton).  We value alliteration around these here parts.

For mutual DERP, you had Buffalo’s trip to BelieveLand.  Holy cats, was that a shitshow piece of performance art.  Now that the Bills Mafia has found a young, healthy feature back, and is facing a #ThePauls defense that is strong against the pass and weak against the run?  You give Singletary 11 touches (8 rushing) and have Brokeback put it in the air 41 goddamned times obvs.  They STILL looked to salt it away on a defensive score, but Mayfield’s gadget toss was BARELY forward, so they got another chance at a final drive.  After a full season’s worth of goal line failures in the first half, this time #ThePauls punched it in for a 19-16 lead.  BUF had a shot to at least tie it, but McDermott was very strangely passe about (i) not trying for 6 and the win; and (ii) Hauschka from 50+ (where he’s missed 4x in a row).  Hauschka missed, and they are now 6-3.

You want a close game that was also well-played?  Go down to Music City, where Mahomes-y sliced and diced the Tits secondary all day long.  50 passes, 446 yards, 3 scores.  Not enough.  A week after playing hero, Butker and pals had a 2nd half to forget, first missing an extra point, then having a bad snap/holder incompletion/intentional grounding penalty combo (what a bingo square event) with a chance to stretch the lead to 8.  Tennessee had no timeouts and a Tanny Fanny, but they scored post haste, and even rushed home the 2 to take a 35-32 lead.  There was JUST enough time to hit a couple passes and let Butker have a shot at redemption from 51, but Los Tits blocked the kick.  I dunno why Derrick Henry wears a ded possum on his head, but he was beastly on the ground.  Buck-eighteen and 2 scores.  Shows no signs of slowing down.

Team MRSA and the Qardinals also played a tight one, but with lots of Rapey Jameis slapdickery.  No matter, the Bucs still pulled into a 30-27 lead late.  Despite AZ hitting this bananacakes play on 4th and 1:

But on the final drive, Koach Kliff showed a ridiculous misunderstanding of how time works, and they never got to even attempt a tying kick.  Both these teams are going nowhere, even if Arians gets to feel a false sense of pride in beating his former employer.

Hey, they can’t all be classics.  Enter the Cincinnati Bungles and rookie quartered back (and Shitty Wolves alumnus) Ryan Finley.  The rook DID account for 3 TDs…unfortunately two were for the Ratbirds (pick six and fumble return).  49-13, and Lamar! got to put up some highlight/MVP candidacy plays before resting all of Q4.  Beatie Mixon finally got 30+ touches, and was CIN’s only bright spot.

Fat Stafford was a late scratch for the Fuck Lions, with a…broken back?  Fucking ouch.  DET’s defense was balls out early, and the home crowd in Chi**** booed lustily.  But Bollo finally found un poco Verdad.  He was still bad, but 3 scores proved enough to hold off the likes of Jeff Driskel.  20-13, both teams are DOA.

Only 3 late games, and the only high-scoring one was in SNOW GLORIOUS SNOW-covered Lambeau.  Several iffy calls, including a ridiculous “touching A.A. Ron” penno helped Green Bay run out to a 24-10 lead.  But the Black Panthers fought back, and drove down an increasingly skating rink-ish pitch for the potential tying score.  Multiple 4th down conversions, late offside flags, it was pretty cool.  But with 4 ticks left, McCaffrey was stopped maybe 2 inches short of the goal line for a 24-16 final.  Green Bay is 7-2, just as the Shield craves.

Speaking of Shield cravings…that “fumble” return TD in favour of Yinzburgh.  Certainly not that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! deserved to win, they were wretched offensively.  Baby Buster’s terrifying regression continues unabated, and PIT really is playing tough defense.  But their offense is hard to watch, too.  Give Coach Epps credit – he saw that his defense was being asked to do too much late, and he went for it on 4th and inches in his own territory – with a 2-point LEAD.  The play worked, defense rested, and PIT ultimately converted a FG for a 17-12 final margin.  LA’s finest could get into FG range, but no closer.  And that no longer mattered.  5-4 with a pulse?  Stillers.  5-4 and mostly ded?  LA.

Who has opposable thumbs and 2 unwanted wins in a row?  YOUR MIAMI LOLfins!  Turns out most teams don’t have much in terms of #3 QB quality, and Miami kicked Hoyer Country around most of the day.  A moderate comeback put the Humps up 12-10, but then Old Man Vinateri yoinked the extra point.  Again.  BloodSugarFitzMagic nudged his troops in FG position twice, and they converted each.  Much like LA, Indy was able to get into FG range before sputtering late.  Thanks to Vinateri each time, Indianapolis has a 2-game losing streak.  Somebody needs an intervention.  Do like to see the group of outcasts rally around the flag for Brian Flores.  They sure do play hard.

SNF promised quality, with Dingleberry and pals invading JerralWorld.  Minny took a 14-nil lead, only for DAK DAK DAK DAK! to bring the Non-Gendereds back.  A long, clock-chewing, running game-led drive put the Vikes back up 28-21.  Kyle Rudolph had two TDs and a 2-point conversion.  Somehow I wasn’t against him in fantasy.  Ultimately, Zimmer was able to bottle up Zeke.  Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli could not similarly contain Cook/Founding Fathers.  That made all the difference.  Especially when the coaches decided to force feed Zeke (to predictable effect) at the end of the decisive drive.  28-24, fin.