Drop That Bass Line Lesser Footy and JV NFL Open Thread

In honour of the Iron Bowl (MOAR below), check out this amazing new tune by the Cats who gave you 2018’s Hippo Song of the Year (“Tinseltown Swimming in Blood”):

Isn’t that righteous?  I haven’t heard awesome bass like that since Peter Hook (Joy Division and New Order).  It sure sticks in the mindspace, at least it do mine.

Sickeningly, Marco Silva remains Everton manager.  As you all likely heard, Arsenal’s Unai Emery won that hotly contested three-legged sack race with Ole and the aforementioned Silva.  PLEASE pass over Mikel Arteta again, Gooners.  Everton needs him.  But the Lesser Footy must go on.

I wouldn’t recommend using an alarm, but if your body clock gives one no choice, then City away to Barcodes (7:30, NBCSN) leads off Saturday’s slate.  Once the signal separates from the noise, methinks Newcastle will emerge as the worst side in the Premiership.  Deffo relegation fodder, just so much instability and incompetence at the board level.  City need to get their arses in gear.

Mourinho gets his first home match against yeah right’s (and this week, humanity’s) Cherries, unsurprisingly getting TV coverage (10:00, NBCSN).  Bournemouth have slipped to 11th, though that is just one position below Spurs.  Could be competitive.  You get the rare double of two leading sides shuffled off to Gold, though I ain’t watching Redshite/Trashbirds, nor Chelski/Hammers.  You might disagree, free(ish) country.

Spotlight dance to compete with the Big Game?  Watford at Soton (12:30, NBC).  Uh…thanks but no thanks.  Saints another side that’s going down, and Watford is one of the “leading” candidates to be #3.

Sunday Funday brings you an NBCSN doubleheader of Arsenal/Norwich (9:00) and Villa away to United (11:30).  Fuck that noise, Gold is where it’s at.  The always entertaining Wolves host shit hot Team Knifey early, followed by my shitshow Toffees away to Foxy Footy (who are a completely fraudulent 2nd).  I mean, I get why NBCSN made the choices they did, with managerial merry-go-round music in the air.

Your last full JV slate of the 2019 season…

tOhio State (-8.5) at Michigan (Noon, Fox)

Most folks are already looking forward to B1G championship matchup with the MN/WI winner.  But surely the Wolverines would love to upset the apple cart (and maybe shut the B1G out of the playoffs completely).  That said, I don’t think Lesser Harbs nor his team are at all good.  Buckeyes roll.

Georgia (-28.5) at Georgia Tech (Noon, ABC)

Yes, the Bees (trying to recover from the Paul Johnson late-era talent gap) are that shitty.  Yes, they still beat NC State.

Indiana (-6.5) at Purdue (Noon, ESPN2)

Yet another road favourite in a rivalry matchup, but this one might be vulnerable.  Purdue just playing for pride, but that might suffice.  Plus fear of the uber-rapey Purdue Pete.

Alabama (-3) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)

This could be Gus Malzahn’s last Iron Bowl, and his side have enough to beat Tua-less Bama.  This game is always physical as fuck, and might not involve much passing.  No, Alabama does NOT belong in the playoffs with a win here.

Wisconsin (-3) at Minnesota (3:30, ABC)

You get not one, but TWO great matchups in this viewing window.  Vegas is on the Narrative of Bucky Badger having “been there before.”  But Row teh Boat has a really good coach, homefield advantage, and likely some FUN ASS WEATHER!  I am gonna say we get sommet good in the B1G for a change, with Minny and tOSU playing for the playoff berth next week.  No, they should not both be in if Minny beats tOSU.

Oregon State (+19) at Oregon (4:00, Pac-12)

How great a rivalry name is “The Civil War?”  And neither wears grey to let the ProudBoiz know who to support!  I have long been favourably disposed towards Niiiiiiiiiiiice Beaver, but they really fucked me in GAMBLOR last week.

Texas A&M (+17) at LSU (7:00, ESPN)

TAMU narrowly missed fucking up UGA’s post-season hopes last weekend, now they get to go to Death Valley and keep Orgeron’s bunch from clinching a playoff berth (they could lose this week or against UGA in the title game, but not both).  I don’t see it, but stranger things have certainly happened.

Iowa State (-4.5) at Kansas State (7:00, FS1)

Both sides are 7-4, and I just have a hunch this one will be fun.  Fun is still why we watch, after all.

Colorado (+28.5) at Utah (7:30, ABC)

Team Secular Big Love have been a machine (other than their bedshitting against the Troi Boiz), and worked themselves into a playoff contender with their November body of work.  Methinks the locals will revel in some national spotlight time, and the Buffs will offer little resistance.  Utah/Oregon should be a fun title game, too.

Oklahoma (-13.5) at Oklahoma State (8:00, Fox)

Notice that I haven’t been talking much about Steerfuckers North and their playoff chances.  They should have lost at home to TCU last Saturday, and they are going to lose the Bedlam Game.  Perhaps by a considerable margin.  Glass jaw Schooner meets the paddle-wielding freaks of BDSM State.  Res ipsa loquitor.

Arizona (+13.5) at Arizona State (10:00, ESPN)

Your last Tweaker Fix of the season involves a bad Bear Down FOAR Midterms squadron facing a team that won its Superb Owl last week (thankfully knocking Quack Attack out of the playoff picture).  Sparky isn’t that good, and if their Cactus Men rivals haven’t quit, the door is open for upset city.

***

Balls’ La Liga Minuto

Barça won its Champions League game this week at home against Borussia Dortmund and sealed first place in what looked to be a very difficult group.  While that may sound impressive,  the wolves are out in Barcelona and it is being said that if they lose against Atlético Madrid this weekend or in the Clásico two weeks from now,  Valverde will be gone.

Truth be told,  it’s probably a good idea.  The  team just hasn’t looked sharp and has had too many periods of inattention where they allow other teams to dictate the game. This is the kind of thing that has eliminated them in the Champions League the last two years and has led to dropped points in La Liga this year.

Messi is still a genius and has saved Barça’s hide this year many times. However,  that’s not a sound longterm strategy.

On the other side of the country,  Real Madrid has also failed to impress yet they are also qualified for the Champions League knockout stage albeit second in their group. They are tied on points with Barça for first place in La Liga. The main difference is that Zidane just got rehired and is not feeling any pressure.

As for Atleti, they must win this weekend to have any hope of contending for La Liga. Sevilla is a surprising third and is on a roll.  If they continue this way,  they could take advantage of the Big Two’s struggles.

To sum up, it’s going to be a great December to watch fútbol en España, a land of contrasts.

***

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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herodotus450

Even CBS executives think this game is taking a long time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[extremely racist joke redacted] – Les Moonves

Redshirt

Time for the Annual Post-Thanksgiving Tradition of “Explain how Jim Harbaugh remains employed”.

herodotus450

Crucial call that could affect the outcomes of two games? Better review it on a 4 inch screen on the sideline.
/Not sure how that wasn’t targeting

herodotus450

Time to flip the targeting coin.

Redshirt

BLEERGH is determined to keep Michigan in this game.

herodotus450

That’s the second time I’ve noticed Gus say “Russia” instead of “Rusher.” Is he a secret left-wing mainstream media stooge or a right wing facist commie Russian asset?

JustStopDude

New rule….Michigan is no longer allowed to ever be ranked above 20.

Redshirt

For the love of God, you’re up four scores and you have a game next week and then you have to play Clemson in a month. Get Fields out of there!

scotchnaut

“Is there any competitive game in this window?”

-Jimmy Stewart

Brick Meathook

“Look at Miss Goodbody showing her ass off! Boy she needs good hard plowing! And I’d do it too if it weren’t for this darn cast!”
“Calm down!”
“Oh hi there Grace Kelly! Suck my cock!
“Okay!”

scotchnaut

I want more of this Reader’s Digest/Penthouse Forum mashup.

Redshirt

You can change your number in the middle of a game?

herodotus450

Yeah that’s what I was talking about earlier, the osu punt returner changing numbers between offense and defense.

Redshirt

I thought he changed numbers for this game, not going back and forth. That’s should be illegal because it confuses the defense.

Its like changing Dobbins number from 2 to 34. They know 2 is a hard running player, but if they see 34, they can think its a backup and can relax a bit.

herodotus450

It looks like it’s ok, as long as you have one number on offense, and the other on defense, no switching on the same side of the ball. Still weird

herodotus450

Yeah but Fields only got that knee brace because he’s a member of the football team, so clearly he should be suspended.

Mistborn Impossible

Knee braces aren’t cheap; here’s one for $750.

https://www.schoolhealth.com/bledsoe-axiom-d-athletic-magnesium-knee-brace-63919fl

How can we call this athelete an amateur anymore? We can’t, that’s how!

scotchnaut

[flipping channels, sees Louisville/Kentucky matchup]

“Oh, this is gonna be good!”

[realizes it’s football, not basketball]

[makes wanking motion]

Redshirt

If they let Justin Fields back into this game still up three scores, they’re idiots. Which they are.

herodotus450

Wisconsin, seeing osu’s qb go down in the third quarter of the michigan game: “Actually you know what, we’re busy next week, we can’t go to the Championship Game anyway, why don’t you go, Minnesota.”

scotchnaut

I participated in my very first barbershop round table talk two days ago. It was a deep dive into why there will be no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs this year. #socanadia

Brick Meathook

comment image

scotchnaut

You going back to Montreal?

Brick Meathook

Oh yes

litre_cola

Ummmm Winnipeg will be in.

Redshirt

..and there it is.

herodotus450

Chu chu

scotchnaut

[runs into room several minutes late]

“Whoomp! Where’s our $35?”

-Tag Team

Sharkbait

Are the Devils or the Islanders the Ice Jets? Either way, Ice Giants are winning and I am pleased with how things are going at the moment.

Redshirt

Well, if you can’t beat them, beat them.

scotchnaut

Jenny Taft is angling to be the next sideline reporter to be stalked and filmed naked.

scotchnaut

[Bloomberg ad appears]

[mashes mute button]

I’m Canadian! Why am I subjected to this garbage?

herodotus450

Didn’t you hear? You’re the 49th state! Of course we kicked out New Mexico and Arizona, a little too spicy down there if you know what I mean.

scotchnaut

[nods in agreement] You and I both know cilantro is the Devil’s Weed. [takes a big swig of a Tim Horton’s medium Double Double]

herodotus450

“That’s the best part, sir: we import Canadians to kill all the Mexicans, and then come winter they all freeze to death!”
-Hallucinatory purple blob that Trump appointed to Secretary of the Interior

Redshirt

My issue with Mike Bloomberg.

Bloomberg: “I’m not like Trump. I’m a good rich guy.”
Me: “What are your views? What will you do as President?”
Bloomberg: “…I’m rich?”

scotchnaut

“He won. That means I might win.”

-Bloomberg’s platform

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I only just now realized today is not Sunday.

scotchnaut

“Hey Buddy, every day is Sundae.”

-A. Reid, K.C.

Redshirt

Ohio State winning. Michigan Stadium is silent, too depressed to boo.

I’m dreaming, am I? When is Scarlett Johansson going to show up with the Beer Truck?

scotchnaut

As soon as I show her how to ‘drive stick’.

scotchnaut

We need to talk about Kevin… and his belief that Ohio State’s D is legit.

Redshirt

I’m an Ohio State homer, and even I know Ohio State’s D isn’t legit. It won’t lose the game, but it won’t shut down the oppenent’s offense.

rockingdog

LOL
some sweet sound action right here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry9dZdS4WEU

scotchnaut

Euro 2020 draw is in and there were some exceptions made for The Group of Death-

1) Armenia
2) Bosnia/Herzegovina
3) East Timor
4) Germany
5) Myanmar

Brick Meathook

It’s funny because they’re dead!

scotchnaut

[Brick then posts yet another pic of a Bomber]

Senor Weaselo

Where’s the Armenia-Turkey rivalry matchup?
/Go Havaqakan, of course

Horatio Cornblower

Speaking of movies, saw ‘Knives Out’ last night. Good time, worth the price of admission.

Spur

Ana de Armas is cute as a button

Mistborn Impossible

I don’t understand why Chelsea doesn’t run their offense through Pulisic more often. Were West Ham and Valencia both focusing on stopping Puli and Chelsea’s left flank?

Mistborn Impossible

I’m pretty much a beginner when it comes to soccer tactics, but I’m trying to learn more. I’m also not terribly interested in writing much more than comments myself, but I’m interested in seeing what it’s about

herodotus450

Football talkin guy just compared osu to both a basketball team and a nascar car in the same sentence. FOOTBALL IS ALREADY THE MOST POPULAR SPORT YOU FUCK, WE DONT NEED ANALOGIES!

herodotus450

That last knockout punch homerun touchdown was like the guard stone that wins you the 12th inning.

Spur

And that’s game. Sweet
Clemson is going to have its way with OSU while Gym Jordan looks on helplessly

Dunstan

“That’s my fetish!” — Rep. Jordan

Spur

The Irishman is LONG and meandering. They dont know who they want to focus the story on.

Spur

Dont get me wrong, the movie is good.

Dunstan

But is it cinema?

scotchnaut

Seriously, did it end with Fin? That’s the tell.

scotchnaut

If want you tight, concise writing, consider Bordertown.

Horatio Cornblower

I liked it but it is not worth the hype. It’s just another mob movie. Of course I really like mob movies so that was still fun. I did think Pesci did a terrific job playing a mob boss who wasn’t a complete psycho.

scotchnaut

I think that’s somebody that I used to know…

TheRevanchist

Stretch his anus and writes a song about it.

herodotus450

Mich just got a penalty for untying Dobbins’ shoe

Spur

Dont tease Rex Ryan like that

Redshirt

Untying shoes is equal to roughing the QB.

scotchnaut

Kinda disappointed in RedShirt not making a Dobbins/Dobby the House Elf joke yet.

Redshirt

Sorry. I haven’t seen or read anything from Harry Potter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[quietly crosses Redshirt off his birthday party invitation list] – Eli Manning

rockingdog
Sharkbait

What an awful way to cook steaks

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They don’t even look like they have been properly seasoned!

Horatio Cornblower

Guaranteed metallic aftertaste

rockingdog

found a funny:
UNCLE: I say this every year but-

ME: not this again

MOM: we’re NOT talking politics this thanksgiving

UNCLE: without luigi there is no waluigi, therefore he is responsible for waluigi’s many sins

ME: ARE YOU SAYING WALUIGI HAS NO FREE WILL

UNCLE: I SAID WHAT I FUCKING SAID

scotchnaut

2020 Euro draw going on right now!

rockingdog

picked up a new book
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test
by Tom Wolfe

Sharkbait

Forward by Jim Jones

Dunstan

I had to count the syllables to see if that was supposed to be a haiku

Horatio Cornblower

I also picked up a new book. Moby Dick, by some guy named Meliville.

Brick Meathook

Not sure if you’re joking but that’s a great book. Non-fiction accounts of Ken Kesey and LSD experiments back when it was legal.

Other great essays by Wolfe are The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby about Southern California hot-rods, The Truest Sport: Jousting with Sam and Charlie about aircraft carrier operations off Vietnam, and of course the full length book The Right Stuff, which is probably the definitive history of the birth of the American manned space program and its test pilot roots.

Tom Wolfe wrote like nobody else. Thousands of exclamation points! Can it be? It is! Plus in The Truest Sport there is a sentence describing the impact of a plane landing on an aircraft carrier that is a page and a half long.

Mistborn Impossible

One of my favorite books. I haven’t read it in years, maybe it’s time for a re-read

Spur

OSU is realizing they are not playing a directional Michigan. This one can afford a full mascot custom