So I’ve been on the road all day and have relatively little firsthand knowledge of what the shit went on this afternoon. A brief (aka halfass) recap after this important message:
WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ok. I’m good. I’m cool.
So the Bills (WOOOO!) handed the Iggles a golden opportunity to pull even with the hated Dallas Cowboys (BOOO!) by beating the ever-loving snot out of the latter in front of God, Jerral and everyone. In typical Philadelphia fashion, they took this wonderful gift and fucking trashed it.
Seriously. You Cheez-Wiz-Loving mutants don’t deserve the gift win the Bills gave you earlier this year. The fucking Tanking LOLfins just embarrassed you. I for one welcome the first 6-10 division winner. #NFCLeast.
Not that it will help Philadelphians’ cherished inferiority complex and (justified) sense of self-loathing, but they actually didn’t have the worst day out there today. Cincinnati and the re-ascendant Ginger Dalton finally got on the winning side of the ledger after 11 straight losses against the Jests. Carolina in turn allowed the Redacteds to run all over them (in every sense of the word) at home. Jerry Richardson must be rolling over in his grave to have his beloved Panthers beaten by a team whose mascot wasn’t even counted under the Three-Fifths Compromise. Wait, he’s not dead?
There were a bunch of other games. Stay tuned for Hippo Thoughts.
ON TO TONIGHT!
P*TRIOTS v. HOUSTON “TEXANS” (8:30 Eastern, 7:30 DFO):
Let’s be honest: this is going to suck for all right-thinking, God-fearing football fans. Bill Belichick has Bill O’Brien’s number, as much or more as any of the rotten fruit of his gnarled, twisted coaching “tree”. He’s 4-0, and O’Brien’s not going to pull anything new out of that gigantic pit in his chin.
As always, the 500s’ chances rest solely on Deshaun Watson’s shoulders. And as usual, those shoulders will likely spend a LOT of time on the turf. New England’s defense is just too good this year against an offensive line that has been problematic at the best of times. Look for Will Fuller’s knee to self-destruct in the second quarter, followed by Watson’s entire skeleton in the third.
Still, the light of hope flickers in the gale. Foxborough Delenda Est
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TdaXhpjHws&ab_channel=HueyLewisTheNewsVEVO
Who wants more cocaine?
/sheepishly raises hand, despite never having tried cocaine
So, I’m thinking that when ESPN post their NFL Power Rankings on Tuesday morning, P*ts will no longer be ranked #1, for the first time this season.
v
Hopkins to Watson TD
https://giant.gfycat.com/GraveInformalAegeancat.mp4
https://giant.gfycat.com/FeistyGrotesqueDuiker.mp4
https://v.gfycat.com/SoreSpitefulDwarfmongoose.mp4
https://giant.gfycat.com/CoarseMammothBangeltiger.mp4
You know what sucks? When your teabag breaks in the cup and you don’t realize it until you’re two-thirds through it, and in the car.
I TOTALLY HATE THIS OCCURRENCE
Librul fags are the only people that drink tea!!!
—Half of my extended family in Massachusetts.
I would recommend they keep that to themselves when travelling in the south. Denigrating sweet tea is bordering on treason in many places. I mean, so is promoting evolution, but still.
Travel in the South?!? Hell, if they cross the Rhode Island/Connecticut state line, they think they’re south of the Mason-Dion line.
Is the Mason-Dion line where they go because they’re wanderers, and they roam around, around, around?
How the hell do you wear a cup while you’re… uh, oh. Never mind.
Nice outcome tonight. Now if DK Metcalf can score /checks notes 84.5 points tomorrow night, then I’ll get a bye and it will be a very good football weekend.
I’m gonna end up knocked out of both of my leagues thanks to todays shit-tastic performances.
Folks.
The before time in the long long ago
It really does feel like a million years ago
Think how unkind the passing of time has been to all involved. Dreamboat, (Formerly) Big Dick Nick, all of the Iggles.
Imagine time’s toll on this guy
“NEW England? Heh, more like MODERN England, amirite folks? Y’all here in Lincoln, Nebraska have a deep understanding of Brexit politics, right, bro? I mean, loogit this guy, he looks like Boris Johnson, but with only ONE crossed eye. Looks like my ballsack when I don’t have enough for a wax. I kid, I kid, but seriously, Belichick looks like he’s unsure of what the hell he’s gonna do with Northern Ireland, which is what I call some shitty Boston bar that caters to trust fund kids of corrupt cops. Tom Brady looks like Teresa May–over and done with! I kid, I kid, he looks as fresh as boiled London pizza. Anyway, you’ve sucked as an audience and I hope I never come back here. Fuck your cornfields.”
So, we’re all in agreement that the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs since they lost to the LOLfins, right? That’s the rule?
Weren’t the LOLfins tanking? Then, yes. Totally. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
They’re supposed to be, but, they’re starting to LOLfin-ing that up, latley (3-2 over past 5 games).
When you’re so bad you fuck up at intentionally failing
FITZMAGICK!!
Basically living out “Major League” in real life, a separate sport, and nobody wants to see Stephen Ross nekkid.
players trying so hard in hopes of being traded to another team. A double digit first rnd pick will not be denied
I feel dirty saying so, but fuck it, I like Brian Flores. He might be the most interesting man on an NFL sideline right now.
Where does Brian Flores fit in on the Tom Flores coaching tree?
the shadier side obvs
I’m just expecting this to be in the Quotables on Wednesday
The full clip, a bit longer, that for some reason the Texans twitter intern trimmed.
“We’re on to Kansas City. Oh, wait…”
It went fucking out of bounds. We all know the rule dont try any bullshit
JESUS FUCK YOU FUCKWITS ALMOST FUCKED IT UP
Collinsworth is getting a chubby just imagining the comeback
I was too, then I woke up in a puddle.
Using the word “alacrity” on a national broadcast? His grandkids must have SATs coming up
TORGO LIVES
Hoodor
Sorry. Torgo. My mistake.
Little tease of a mullet there
Barber: What do you want?
Steve: Appalachian meth dealer
Barber: Say no more fam.
I’ve seen that around here. That’s just the American Meth Dealer. homo noteethus
I watch the house when the Grumblelord is away.
This team better wake the fuck up. Maybe a massage will help?
You can only crank out so many Kraft Singles in one evening.
mmm
“The commentariat on DFO is going to be short-stroking this all over.
A 4-week offensive death spiral since the Baltimore loss. I hate the weird ones.”
https://mobile.twitter.com/ChrisBurkeNFL/status/1196649502075228160
I remember that one.
Folks, you love to see it.
I’m going to need to make videos from all angles.
Last time I saw a spot that bad they were pulling the pooch out of obedience school and were taking him to a nice farm upstate
….this was a lot funnier in my head
— Mike Huckabee’s large son while cleaning up all the blood.
“It’s a lot faster to just put them on the roof of the car. Don’t have to go all the way upstate.” –Mitt Romney
https://youtu.be/E0OznCvdobU
I can’t believe the fakest team in the league is getting beat by an actual fake team
Brady and Belichick are Trump fans, so
Well, Texas is probably more important to the electoral college, though the true MAGA believers are strong in Boston (and Maine)… so… uh… dicks, dicks, penis, cock. I don’t know.
More than half of my extended family in Mass are MAGAts. One of the kids sells beer at Gillette. It’s horrible.
Odds that Kraft was googling “best massage parlors in Houston” when the camera showed him?
15 out of ten
That’s a lot of Kraft Singles
Shoot, he already has them all in his Contacts. P*ts have won two SBs in Houston, didn’t you hear AL?
Those ones are all too old by now. Hell, some of them probably speak English by now.
If only Jeffrey Epstein were still alive, Kraft Singles would be flooding Houston
I think I got a beej from a bar girl in Japan (1982) that was old enough to have done my dad when he was there in 1956.
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Does Hopkins get a TD pass for that at least?
he do
I’ll take the fantasy points at least!
So that’s TD passes for Hopkins AND Bleeding Kansas this weekend. And of course, the receivng score for the LOLfins’ kicker.
“Man, watching this game is giving me PTSD.”
—Rodney King, from beyond the grave
One more reason to not watch the Golden Globes.
— “He’s funny!”
— idiot TV critics
https://youtu.be/d1vSlNz0PaA
Ok, I give up. I don’t know why the hell this won’t show up.
You need the full URL. WordPress can’t process youtu (dot) be for some reason.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1vSlNz0PaA
Oh, gotcha. Thanks man.
Al and Cris: maybe a handoff is a pass?
Rules Guy (exasperated): Yes, guys, and Emmitt Smith retroactively has been stripped of all of his rushing yards, because it turns out they were all passes. Conversely, Drew Brees is now just 10th on the all-time passing yardage list.
they REALLY wanted a loophole, just TOO MUCH BLACKNESS on that play
Did that not go forward?
Tery McCauley got you covered, brah.
Nevermind. Its good.
oh, SNAP