Your “I’m Still Enjoying Alabama’s Tears” NFL Football Open Thread

The only good thing the state of Alabama has is football and now they don’t even have that. So, Crimson Tide fans, cram that loss up that MAGA ballcap, go back to your hovel and throw a Saban-like tantrum in front of your haven’t-bathed-in-weeks kids. Don’t forget to slap your cousin-wife for good measure. It’s her fault she looked at you funny again, right?

TO THE GAMES!

Jets/Bengals:

I’m streaming Darnold for this one because I’m frightened and confused. And also because since week 10 he’s been QB3 in fantasyland. There’s much to criticize about Adam Gase but the state of the Jets D is not among them. It has slowly become a very solid unit that is very to run against.

Titans/Colts:

Speaking of robust run D’s, Indy has one. But the sheer mass of Derrick Henry has a way of changing defender’s minds and defense’s stat lines. T.Y. is out so the Colts have to employ the remaining members of their “Bring Out Your Dead” receiving corpse.

Eagles/Fins:

Jordan Howard is done for this week so Miles “And Miles” Sanders is in a potential smash spot against a Miami D that gives up 130 yds. per game to rb’s.

Packers/Giants:

Does anyone remember when Janoris Jenkins was a lockdown corner? I do. It was way back in aught ’16. We were so young and foolish back then. We made tons of mistakes but we learned from them and we had such fun along the way…

Browns/Steelers:

Chubb and Snell should get all kinds of work today and I’m going to give the edge to the rook because Pitt’s D has been gangbusters Minkah came to town.

Potato Skins/Panthers:

Play McCaffrey. [wipes hands on shirt] There. Done.

Bucs/Jags:

Good Lord! Here’s a stat for you-11 times Tampa has played against a wr that averages 12+ fantasy points. Those 11 players have gone off for a collective average of 26 points. Btw, D.J. Chark and his 17.2 mark are salivating at the moment.

Niners/Ravens:

This is the reason so many of us are tuning in, right? I wouldn’t mind seeing this tilt again in early February either.

Hit me with your best words!

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King Hippo

Baker, he die??

bk109

He sorta ded?

Gotta love the Browns, they always find the most gut-wrenching ways to torture their QBs and their fans 😀

Gratliff

Eagles and Cowboys fans are going to transition from bathing in eachother’s schadenfreude to forming a support group by the end of the season

Mistborn Impossible

I could get behind this result

Petronel

argh

theeWeeBabySeamus

Settle down over there.
At least you still have the P*ts.

Oh wait, Ravens beat them too.

Petronel

P*ts best offensive play tonight might just be Izzo puking all over the Texans D…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Of course the question now becomes how much would we be willing to pay to see that happen?

King Hippo

wha happen if Non-Gendereds lose out, and Iggles only win against DAL in Week 16? Both end 6-10.

Spur

pie eating contest

Mistborn Impossible

I could get behind this result

Senor Weaselo

Rocks fall, everyone dies.

Dunstan

Dan Fouts just seriously did the “Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘moxie’ as…” thing.

Mistborn Impossible

What ever happened to the Madden camera angle? I thought they were about to show a play from that angle and I perked up, I thought I was gonna get to really watch some football! Instead they switched to the sideline cam at the snap. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

Why do we put up with this bullshit camera angle? Watching football this way sucks. Literally 2/3 of the game happens offscreen every play! The QB drops back, throws, and it’s always a surprise to find out if the guy he’s throwing to is open or not. Or if he’s alive or not! Who knows what happened offscreen? None of us do! A guy could be brutally murdered on the field and we wouldn’t know until the pass falls incomplete. Maybe it’s already happened, but Aikman was calling the game and we were all asleep. The passing game is the most important thing in the NFL, but the networks refuse to show us more than a fraction of it.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m way more excited about Barca – Atletico this afternoon than any NFL game, and Fox is destroying football like they destroy everything else.

King Hippo

I am off Lesser Footy after this afternoon. Except for GAMBLOR.

Mistborn Impossible

I’ve been an Atletico fan since 2014, their manager Simeone was throwing some good shade at Real and I’ve liked him ever since. They have been so boring to watch this year though! I’m hoping the new kid Joao Felix will help fix that

Don T

5th sack for the Clots. In the 1st half. Why stay sober?

hippofant

Was that the play that the Colts (?) screwed up against the Patriots years ago?

bk109

Nah, the Pagano special was just meant as a way to catch the pats for “a too many men on the field” penalty… they just did it in the most hilariously wrong way possible… This one was…different… it was … competent?

bk109

TheFu.hhhhh…Ins?! The Fins did a thing?! HOW SHIT ARE THE IGGLEZ!?

Gatoraids

Redacted and the lolphins scoring at the same time what are the odds. Dr Manhattan would save us

litre_cola

Have guests over but have to chime in. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT IGGLES?????

hippofant

???

Redshirt

!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bananacakes special teams fake TD for LOLfins

Spur

Colts seen taking notes

Spur

Wlldcat Fins

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sanders can cry all he wants. That was the most illegal block in the back in EVAR!!!!

Col. Duke LaCross

Trickeration!

King Hippo

PLAY OF THE DECADE!!! God bless Brian Flores

litre_cola

Fuck you Hippo.

Gratliff

Well, that was new

Gratliff

Imagine how bad this would be if Miami fielded a professional football team

bk109

For fuck’s sake, who has got to go explain to the Bungles again what “tanking” is and WHY they have to keep on doin’ it

Redshirt

I knew this would happen. Dalton is playing loose and motivated. He can play good for a future contract while screwing his future ex-team with a 3-13 record and the #3 overall pick.

Don T

Woot woot. Made it to Real Time™️. Great illegal block in theback. Fuck!

Redshirt

I don’t know how I’m more shocked with: a two score Bengals lead or a Bengals RB rushing TD?

hippofant

J – E – S – T JETS JETS JETS

King Hippo

To prove myself as a Hippo of good faith, I will get my Chubb on for Drew Lock’s debut.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not sure which is worse. What you just typed, or the fact that my niece asked me this morning to get her some blue balls.
(Christmas ornaments you sick fucks….but she did say blue balls)
((yes, I almost shit myself laughing))

King Hippo

Turrrible, candy-ass call against Tomsulas

King Hippo

I want to live in a world where the LOLfins and Bungles both win on same day.

Gatoraids

No way burrow for burrows

Redshirt

Can I have a Original Honored Continental Occupants win too? I’d like to preserve the two game lead?

King Hippo

sure, who gives a fuck about the ded Panthers

King Hippo

Danny Dozer!

theeWeeBabySeamus

As loyal as I am to Baltimore, I’m damned glad I’m not sitting in M&T Stadium today.
Damn, that looks miserable.

Spur

Are you sure that look doesnt come from just living in Baltimore?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, quite sure. We’ve got uniforms and everything now.

Gratliff

Need someone to tell me if my zombie ESPN fantasy team has a shot at the playoffs

Gratliff

Fueled entirely by Mark Andrews

Spur

Also these Fox announcers for the Ravens game are not bad.

hippofant

A real STRONG announcing job by them.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats to Jameis Winston on his 101st turnover

Spur

Those are rookie numbers – Andy Reid

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also, replay review overturned the turnover.

Redshirt

“(pfft) Amature!” – JaMarcus Russell

Spur

awesome run for San Fran

Gratliff

Goddamn grown man run by Mostert

Viva La Tabula Raza

PIT really bad, or CLE finally getting their shit together?

bk109

Yes.

Spur

give it time, the Browns will Brown it up

Redshirt

Bengals are trying a bold new strategy of remembering that Tyler Boyd exists and wears a tiger-striped helmet.

Petronel

%$$^&** Lamar

rockingdog

Gotta figure 49ers gonna have to put up some points today…

Redshirt

Bengals Radio Darnold Ghost Jokes Counter: 4

hippofant

A lotta teams throwing for TDs on 4th and short today O_O

Gratliff

It seems impossible that the Eagles could have both the worst receivers AND the worst corners in the league, but here we are

King Hippo

maybe role swap ’em?

Gratliff

They dropped 4 picks in a close game against Tom Brady, so I’d expect the same outcome

Gatoraids

Who do you think you are playing today

Gratliff

The second worst receivers and corners in the league?

King Hippo

How stupid is I? Done ML bet the goddamned LOLfins.

Gratliff

Mack Hollins has negative net yards on the season with penalties and is somehow still playing for the Eagles

Redshirt

Touchdown…Bengals?

rockingdog

Well alright then!

Gatoraids

Nice of dolphins to support thalidomide patientss and employee them on defense

bk109

Eh, if you have time, you can be reasonably accurate in the NFL… The problem is that QB’s are paid to perform under pressure, under duress and (for an ex-QB of the Jets) – under their linemen’s arses….

bk109

Ok… So? Still better than like 3/4ers of the NuBrowns’ cavalcade of QBs.

bk109

So not true… the Goalposts are holographic, so they were never there in the first place…

Seriously, though, I guess I was unclear in my initial comment, so I’ll try to be as clear as the 21 year old Bushmills and 2 Cohibas allow me to be:
Everyone (yes, including you), can make the throws when given the time and space to make the throw. The issue is, Daniel Jones and everybody else in the NFL is paid to make the throws in the face of a constant pass-rush and basically be “the guy” his team. That Daniel Jones makes the easy throws doesn’t matter, what matters is that he keeps on shitting the bed when he has to be “the guy and let’s be real,a good QB can mask the problems of his O-line with a quick release (think Baker or Brady) , but a good O-line can only help you so much…

Mistborn Impossible

I bet I could throw a football over 25 yards if I had to!

ArmedandHammered

My problem would be that I have the accuracy of a claymore mine.

rockingdog

really hoping Jimmy G does well today

Gratliff

Fuck, there is nothing more fun than a sliding catch in the snow

Redshirt

I prefer an ice storm. That way when they slide, they don’t stop.

Spur

How do you know about Operation ICE Storm? – Stephen Miller

Gratliff

Victor Fries looking motherfucker

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Because he subscribes to alt.right.masterrace, duh.

Gratliff

This is a good joke for the 3 of us old enough to have used newsgroups

Redshirt

That was autocorrect’s fault! I was looking for another newsgroup,

Mistborn Impossible

He subscribes to a.great.masterpiece? Wholesome

bk109

That’d explain the Pats, then? They slid and slipped during the Snow Bowl against the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssss and they haven’t stopped since…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

More like DJ Shart

Spur

This is a fun game!

Gratliff

LT up in the owner’s box?

Spur

Hard nipples are Rodgers kryptonite

Gratliff

Holy shit, Lamar

Spur

So Jimmy G is not very mobile.