Welcome to the last full, meaningful Saturday of wall-to-wall footy.  Cherish it, as September is a long-assed time away.

That was theme-free Kurt Vile.  You will RESPECT him.

Everton finally ripped off the band-aid and gave Marco Silva the sack.  It is indeed very depressing to be in 18th position, entering a hopeless home tie with Frank Lampard is a TORY Cunt Chelsea (7:30, NBCSN).  Yes, I will still set my alarm super early for it.  We’re gonna get battered.  The sooner we get a legitimate, full-time replacement, the better.  FUCK OFF, David Moyes.

The goddamned Redshite visit the South Coast for a snuff film against yeah right’s Popped Cherries (10:00, NBCSN).  Spurs/Burnley and Moose Hornets/Palace are your dire alternate offerings on NBC Gold.

At least you get a cracker for your Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC) – the Machester Derby!  City are home, but in dreadful form.  United come off a yuuuuuuggggge mid-week win over Mourinho’s Spurs (fuck me, never thought I would catch myself actively rooting for United in such a matchup, but there I was – fuck off Darkest Timeline) and will have that always coveted “nothing to lose, really” feeling.  Looking forward to it.

You get THREE Sunday early, led by Foxes away to Villa (9:00, NBCSN).  Call me Catler (without the top ass), but….don’t caaaarrrre.  Wolves at Brighton (11:30, NBCSN)?  Similarly meh.  Arsenal/West Ham (3:00, NBCSN) are your Monday Night Footy offering.

Conference titles ahoy!

Baylor (+9) v. Oklahoma @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)

The Consent Abstinent try to avenge their crippling home loss to Steerfuckers North.  It might be a fun fixture, but hopefully Team Secular Big Love will have already won Friday Night, to remove any playoff implications.

Plain Louisiana?? (+6) at Appalachain State (Noon, ESPN)

No, I was nae consulted regarding this apparent Ragin’ Cajun name change.  I was already going to be pulling for Happy Appy (and former NC State offensive coordinator Eli Drinkwitz, who I TOLD WOLVEN SORT they would miss dearly) anyway.  Fuck, I like being very occassionally right.

UAB (+7.5) at Florida Atlantic (1:30, CBSSN)

Fuck Lane Kiffin.

Cincinnati (+9.5) at Memphis (3:30, ABC)

Didn’t we just see this?  I hope I didn’t eat any of the brown acid.   Fuck the American Whatever Conference.

Georgia (+7) v. LSU @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)

Now we are cooking with gas!  Dawgs get in the playoff with a win, though I expect Orgeron’s bunch to murder-kill ’em.  The 30-minute delayed kickoff on CBS means it really super-duper TOTES means MOAR.

Hawaii (+14) at Boise State (4:00, ESPN)

You can beat the Rainbow Warriors by 70 if y’all want.  Ain’t nobody care about y’all Smurf Turfers no more.

Virginia (+28.5) v. Clemson @ Mistuh Richardson’s Plantantion (7:30, ABC)

I see that Wahoowa is actually ranked.  That’s awfully cute.  Line has shrunk from 29 to 28.5, so excitement and tension surely await!

Wisconsin (+16.5) v. tOhio State @ The Gravy Boat (8:00, Fox)

The top of the pyramid is so shitty that 2-loss chucklefuck Bucky Badger is #8.  At least this matchup includes Gus Johnson.  Hopefully?  This would have been way more fun with Row teh Boat guy.

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Balls’ La Liga Minute

Barcelona passed a big test last weekend when they defeated Atlético Madrid at the Wanda Metropolitano 1-0.  I should say that Leo Messi and Marc Andre Ter Stegen defeated Atlético Madrid.  In truth, there are still a LOT of questions to be answered about this 2019-20 Barcelona team.  From what I’ve seen so far of the season:

• If Messi is out of the lineup (as he was for the beginning of the season), the team’s offense is almost as good as Atlético Madrid’s.  Yes, that’s a dig at both teams.
• If Ter Stegen were to get hurt, there is no “star” backup.  Cillessen, the starter for the Netherlands National Team and previous backup, is now happily starting at Valencia. The two backups are, undoubtedly, good but unproven.

Yet, Barcelona remain in first place tied in points with Real Madrid but ahead on goal differential.  Sevilla is third with Real Sociedad and Athletic Bilbao representing the Basque Country in 4th and 5th.

Keep in mind that Barcelona and Real Madrid still have to play the Clásico that was postponed from earlier in the year.  Today, Real hosts lowly Espanyol while Barcelona hosts Mallorca.  I expect no changes in the standings until next week.

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Balls’ Liga MX Minuto

I alluded to this last week, but it bears repeating:  In the Liga MX playoffs (knows as La Liguilla), the number 5, 6, 7, AND 8 seeds all won their matchups and thus progressed to the semifinals!  That has never happened before!

On top of that, in the Juegos de Ida (first legs of the semifinals), #8 seed Monterrey beat #5 seed Necaxa 2-1 at home while #7 seed Monarcas de Morelia beat #6 seed América 2-0.  The Juegos de Vuelta (second legs) begin tonight in Aguascalientes and finish tomorrow in El D.F.  Should the Ida results hold, we would have a #7 seed playing a #8 seed for the championship!

All I have to say to that is,