Your Sunday Night Football Open Thread

The miles sure have piled up these last few days. Like that old saying goes, I just had to get out of Dodge. A close approximation of my face was plastered everywhere and it was just a matter of time. So I paid two extra months of rent up front so that my absence wouldn’t be noticed, packed up and jumped in the car. I drove and drove, through Sudbury, through North Bay, through Toronto, towards Montreal. It was there that I ditched the car and bought an old beater for cash. I thought I could stay there for a while but I’m not good with the language and didn’t figure I needed to stand out in any way.

So I doubled back to The Big Smoke. The irony of having to live in a car these past few weeks has not been lost on me. Hell, sometimes it makes me chuckle a bit. But most times it just gets me to thinking, ‘how can I take advantage of this circumstance?’

I started cruising parking lots-grocery stores, large office buildings, arenas-anywhere someone in a similar position as myself would want to park for as long as they could before getting hassled by security or city staff or the cops. I remembered reading about communities of RV’ers hanging out in Walmart lots but after looking around it seemed as though that was a summer thing.

As a last resort I started looking at the beaches that run off the Gardiner Expressway. Sunnyside was no good and Hanlan’s Point didn’t have much of a parking lot but Cherry Beach was just what the doctor ordered. A memory came back to me… There was a song by the title of ‘Cherry Beach Express’-I can’t remember the band that sang it but I remember it was about how local law enforcement officials would take all kinds of folks down there and beat the living shit out of them. If you were on that ‘ride’, you were coming out the other side with some serious injuries. It was just common knowledge back in the day.

Today I see two beat-up vans and an old Ford Taurus. A recent snowfall tells me that they’ve been here for a few days. It’s time to park/hunker down.

I went through the routine-getting out and peeing in the nearby woods, taking walks during the day, carrying groceries back to the car, briefly nodding at the others that were living out of their vehicle if they happened to see me.

Dolph was the first guy to talk to me and unfortunately for him his course was set. One day I said I found a coupon for a large pepperoni pizza and did he want to share? We both knew the answer.

-So Dolph, your parents Swedish? Is that why you got the name?

-Nah, they’re… Well, not sure what they are-just never came up. They just loved Dolph Lungren, he’s an actor. Ever heard of him?

-Yeah sure, they were huge fans of Rocky IV, of course. “I will destroy you” and all that.

-Nope. Well, I’m sure they saw it but they fucking loved Universal Soldier.

I nearly choked on my slice.

-Are you fucking kidding me?! I can’t… I… Seriously?

He was laughing in a sheepish way and looked up at me.

-I learned later on that some of the bedtime stories they told me were lifted from the movie.

-You are killing me!

-You must be an extra in the movie then.

I could have sworn that the van was shaking with our laughter. I bent over, hands on my knees, just like Dolph. I gathered myself. It was time. A few seconds passed. It was still time. I threw a left cross at him that hit him flush in the jaw. His head twisted round and I knew he was out. Like so many times before-and hopefully many times in the future-my knife found paydirt just below his Adam’s Apple.

Thanks for the belly laugh, Dolph. It’s been quite some time since I laughed that hard.

TO THE GAME!

Seahawks/Rams:

We fantasy goobers talk about fading guys all the time but qb Goff has been fading wr Kupp in favor of Woods recently. Kupp’s targets are 10 less than Woods’ these last four weeks. Interestingly, Woods is one of only 3 players that has been thrown to 13 times in three games this season. When that happens he averages 135 ypg. Qb Wilson started out with a gaudy 22/1 TD/Int. ratio but his last three games have gone 4/3. You get the feeling he’ll turn it around but this might not be the spot.

Do that thing where you type a whole bunch.

 

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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

WCS

Got my work done, kids are at my parents’, and wifey is working a 24. Pizza is ordered, and let’s watch some It: Chapter 2.

Senor Weaselo

I apparently have to look up the Kama Sutra in order to find positions that my phone will charge in. SOMEONE YELL AT ME TO ACTUALLY A NEW LAPTOP SO I CAN GET A NEW PHONE.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Tetris championships airing now on ESPN2!!!

Or Miss Universe somewhere else.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh dear lord I thought I was miffed by the Cornhole Championships earlier.

Covalent Blonde

As a Niners fan, this makes me turgid!

theeWeeBabySeamus

As a Ravens’ fan, I’m fine.
Clear the path.

Covalent Blonde

Har-bowl 2: Electric Boogaloo

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, you ain’t got Flacco to kick around no mo’.

Covalent Blonde

Also, substantially few recognized stabbers on the field this go

theeWeeBabySeamus

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Covalent Blonde

Hardly! I watch every game hoping someone will go The Last Boy Scout out there!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well you of course know if the power goes out again, Niners are screwed.

NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!!!!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Harbowl 2: Har Harder.

Doktor Zymm

I was looking at ticket prices for a Niners home playoff game and they’re actually not awful. However, I’ve somehow scheduled myself for sailing lessons and Scuba diving those respective weekends. Might look at second home playoff tickets

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Scuba diving in January? Did you move to Oahu?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No one is talking enough about how good Dolemite Is My Name is. It’s the only thing I’ve watched on Netflix that wasn’t the Great British Bake Off since June.

Doktor Zymm

I haven’t had Netflix in years, don’t miss it

Beerguyrob

It was solid top to bottom. Craig Robinson achieves full form in that movie.

TheRevanchist

I loved it. Never thought they would make a movie about him. Turns out to be a fantastic idea.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh me, Oh my. My birthday was a week ago, but I’ll take two P*ts losses in a row anytime.

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Covalent Blonde

Happy birthday a la Chiefs

Doktor Zymm

Congratulations on another rotation on the spirograph of the solar system

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mine was three days ago. I am equally as satisfied.

Doktor Zymm

So many December birthdays! Y’all’s parents sure liked boning in March!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll ask Mom about that later and have her give you a call.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m pretty sure I was conceived on Valentine’s Day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Senor Weaselo

Mine would have been had I not been an emergency breach and 5 weeks premature!

Doktor Zymm

If the dude in Citizen Kane died entirely alone, how did anyone know his last word was ‘Rosebud’?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Snapchat.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Meh, he probably had a dude that followed him around recording his every moment, like I am sure Orange Boy has going on. THAT won’t be embarrassing. Though Moose’s Snapchat answer dominates.

Beerguyrob

It was the last word in his PornHub search.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Dutch Chem Engr I know, who just retired after years at Dow and GE, tells me those translations of the Just OK Dutch business interpreter are accurate. Nice to see that the US’s stupidity is accurate.

Doktor Zymm

I’m actually really happy they took the time to make that right

Doktor Zymm

Did missionaries actively teach people to use missionary position? How did that work exactly?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yes.

Very carefully.

Senor Weaselo

Y’know, considering missionaries pray you’d think missionary would be on one’s knees.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Not sport, but this guy’s name came up at some point during some trip down a wikihole, and I bought the biography of him off of Naval Institute Press, and while I haven’t got very far into the book, he seems like a REALLY INTERESTING MOTHERFUCKER.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton_A._McCully

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Dude, you gotta cheat and put in a ‘starter rip’. Same principle as tearing off someone’s underwear

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I might have some questions about the ripping off of underwear.
We’ll talk later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t worry; it also works great with how old your tighty-whities are.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

How much does it cost to play Pong?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

1 Looney per person, according to Ruby the very nice bartender.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is Ruby, and that’s the original sign from the Gottlieb pinball factory in Chicago.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

North Star bar
upstairs
Rue St. Laurent, Montreal
tres cool
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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Looks like a real happening spot.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL. I hope we can find a seat.

herodotus450
herodotus450

That’s just because it’s like 3 AM all the way up there in Canada; time zones ya know.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

There’s a horrible sports bar packed with morons downstairs. This is a slice of heaven that you’d be hard pressed to find even if you walked past it.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Covalent Blonde

I want to go to there

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ruby looks pissed at you.
WHAT DID YOU DO?????

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Ruby thinks I’m awesome.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Why do I have the feeling the YOU think Ruby thinks you’re awesome?

And you are awesome,

But Ruby might not agree based on that expression.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Is she mostly impressed by freshly-waxed ballsax, or what?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A smooth taint is the only way to slide down the banister.

Doktor Zymm

Just don’t go sunning your smooth taint, because that’s the current frontrunner for stupidest way to get lots of instagram followers and cancer simultaneously

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

But it seems like a good way to meet Dr. Pimplepopper, assuming she does other dermatology work.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I know a guy who once went “skinny skiing” naked in the Sierra Nevada on a sunny day and got sunburnt on the bottom of his nut sack. Extremely unpleasant according to him.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Ruby is a 9 on the Moh’s Hardness scale, only two things are harder: diamond, and me.”
You can have that one for free, your welcome.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Got one that a cat couldn’t scratch.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, like I haven’t been tricked by that sentence before.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Gingers/redheads make me feel like the Salem Witch Trials might have actually been legit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Never met one yet who wasn’t batshit cray cray.

Doktor Zymm

Less or more if it’s a dye job?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dok, that is a very pertinent question.
My answer is … I don’t know.
They’re all nuts. Not sure why.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Well, none have killed any conductors… to my knowledge. Yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Love me some ginger bush.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

SHANKLOR makes an additional guest appearance.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What’s funnier?
NFC East or NFC South?
Discuss.

WCS

Yes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

NFC East because they used to be good and people keep expecting them not to suck against all evidence

BC Dick

East. It makes way more people sad. And way more tv executives specifically

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I miss Marshawn Lynch and his Skittle thing. Do any players in this game enjoy quirky snacks?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I liked his Mom in the Chunky Soup commercials.
Him, not so much.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh no, wait, I’m confused. That was that other dick who played for Seattle for a little while.

His mom was still cool though.

Doktor Zymm

Juice drink is labeled as vegan. REALLY YOU DON’T SAY

WCS

I recall a memory, during the NO CARBS fad, my mom bought a case of diet ginger ale. There was a sticker on it screaming, “NO CARBS!”

Doktor Zymm

My favorite is Gluten Free shampoo

BC Dick

I only drink juice that’s been fried in suet. Just a personal rule.

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

It would just be nice to know if this Juice was the product of bee labor…

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Organic motor oil

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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