Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, for I have come to bury the Jets, not to praise them one damn bit. That’s exactly what you should be hearing in your head at this moment. Not one person believes this Jets team is good enough to win. The last game they played was against the Dolphins. Neither team wanted to win, except for the kickers, because kickers are like the white crayon in a box of crayons: No one cares about it.
This should be a blowout. Hold on one second. Let me check the spread.
*googles*
Only 14.5? That seems ridiculous. Makes me think RG3 is going to be getting some playing time this week. The problem is that Lamar, Mr. Jackson if you are nasty, is only slightly injured. He’s still practicing this week.
But, I’m not just going to make wild assumptions. The Ravens are 1st in offense in the league. The Jets are 31st. The Ravens are consistent in putting up top tier ground yards and quality defense. The Jets are the Jets. The Ravens have a QB that is going to break a run record for a season at the QB position. The Jets have a QB carrying mono, presumably from kissing too many street performers in Times Square.
Those are just facts, people. Some things are very hard to deny.
As a friendly reminder to those of you who like to read things, Christmas is just, uh, so many days away. You only have so many days to buy me a gift. Get out there and buy me things. I like expensive things, like meats, cheeses, ramen, gift certificates to restaurants, fruit snacks, pretzels, and candy. Basically anything I can put in my mouth.
Leave your gift ideas for me down in the comment section, or anything you feel like talking about. I’m here to listen, friend.
So figure I am going to need to take my dog in to get put down tomorrow. She lost one eye this summer. The other went out a couple weeks ago. She’s 14, losing weight, and not really getting any better with her lost vision — she probably is mentally not there. Wife thinks she probable had cancer and that’s why she whines so much. She’s had some bumps and stuff going on here and there and then, when they pulled out the eye over the summer, there was a tumor behind it. Plus she’s pretty old so….yeah.
I’ve never had a dog age out on me. This is the second dog I’ve had — the first (which I only got about six months before her back in like 2006) had to be put down a few years back but he’d lived with Valley Fever since his adoption so, you know, shocked but not surprised. This dog, Abbey, never had any health issues. She’s a tough alpha Rhodesian bitch. Then like, man, all of a sudden the wheels are coming off. So that sucks.
I’m sorry to hear this. Give that dog lots of love and hugs and treats. She has lived a while and take heart in knowing what a good human you were to your dog.
That sucks. Pamper the hell out of her tonight, and think of the good times.
It doesn’t get any easier, but, both times I’ve had to put a dog down, I went to Burger King, and got them a Whopper with nothing but the beef patty, and added bacon. Why fuck with vegetables at this point?
The first, Gretchen, just went to sleep, and never woke up. Miles was the poor bastard who was so sick, he couldn’t move his hind legs.
Losing pets is awful. Out other cat, “The Shitten” somehow managed to run off from our new house three months ago. We have had that cat for a decade. We don’t know how or when she left, just that she’s gone. Friends, family, and neighbors continue to ask me, “Seen your cat?” No, I haven’t, and you haven’t either. Leave me alone; I’m mourning my cat, but, still have to take care of my kids.
Man, that’s gutting, heart goes out. I’ve got two that are deteriorating before my eyes, this is gonna be a shitty period of time watching it happen.
One more week like this from Mr. Jackson, and I have me another FF season won. In the league that doesn’t matter.
Wow. The U.S. finally gets to make fun of daddy Britain for being even dumber than us.
This is turning out to be the worst game of one-upsmanship in world history.
World War I would like a word…
World War IV with rocks and sticks, remember.
UK: Anything you can derp, we can derp better!
US: No you can’t!
UK: Yes we can!
*UK hides in fridge
Why is Brexit dumb?
How do you get a delay of game on the 2pt conversion?
I’d like Lamar! to be on the sideline, tellin’ RG3 (Mr. Show style) – yep, before I die, I’m gon’ fuck me a fish
Garbage-time specialteamsdown, in a rare instance of BDL benefitting the Jets.
Jests do a good. Then do a bad.
That apparently didn’t hit off the jersey or foot. Riiiiight.
Challenge lost because FUCK THE JEST
Double BLEERGH because FUCK THE JEST
Lamar!!!!! might be my new favourite person of colour.
The New York Jets:
haha it’s funny because it’s a shitty airplane
Planes should have flaps.
Just not that kind.
also fleshlites!
Am I hearing them cheer for the Jets or something?
It’s gotten so ugly, a dude named “Seth” got a touched down.
It’s getting borderline mean, at least until I remember “oh yeah, Adam Gase, fuck it”
They are just practicing now
Can these teams just start taking a knee? My Blu-Ray copy of “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood” came in this afternoon.
“Rosebud” was his sled
What are they chanting anyway?
Bring Out Yer Meth?
I thought that’s in Duval, but this would be the second choice.
HollywooDOWN!!
quickly confirmed because FUCK THE JEST
Hell yes. Won a 20 dollar bet as he rots on my opponents bench. Huzzah!
Dunno how one could survive having a Ratbird WR on one’s roster. Down that road, madness lies.
Ain’t no coincidence that I cut Marquise this week.
Done with this disaster. Some car shows beckon. Laters!
Has Seamen come yet?
Bowser with the strip sack? Mama mia!
Mentally Challenged SUDDEN CHANGE!!!
The’arnold definitely balldropped.
He do have issues with that old “clock in head”
“I don’t…oh wait, you said clock”
– Aaron R.
Boo West coast puck drops.
that some kind of sex thing? Dadgum millenials.
12-2 baby.
Fuck you Jets.
Sorry Senor.
Like I haven’t said “fuck you Jets” this season?
Methinks Charlize Theron is having problems with the tax man.
someone that purty ought not to have to pay no taxes
DAMMIT HIPPO YOU ALWAYS BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH.
She should be exempt even with the short hair now.
She’s doing just fine.
This is a football game that is definitely still on
This game continues to be on, but I can’t focus on it a bit.
Jets are hanging around like a freakin’ spider.
/revision/latest?cb=20190224180751
Spiders ain’t no problem
I’m in my favorite neighborhood working-class pub in a fast gentrifying location and I am surrounded by French-Canadian stereotypes like out of a fucking cartoon.
Five years from now this will all be gone.
YOU SAID THERE WAS NO FILM IN THAT CAMERA!!!!!
Looks like if you took one of those skewers and poked him in the cheek, he’d pop and fly around the room.
John Lennon really let himself go.
No wonder Kim-Jong Un’s missiles can’t get to Japan.
Hockeyed Defenceman just scored an empty net goal from behind his own goal line, in the air the whole time, puck never touched the ice.
As a lifelong fattie, that bottom photo is child abuse.
It ain’t good. I started off skinny and ended up how I am. A kid like that has no chance.
That said, the photo makes me laugh, as I am awful.
Us former skinnies has it worst because we KNOW what it is in dignity that we has lost (imogodbless).
/Christ, am I fucking fat
I could dunk a basketball at one point. Now I barely have the energy to dunk a doughnut.
My athleticism was always “white guy” even before it was “old, fat white guy”
“You’d best go to sleep now scotchy, so that you can tackle me tomorrow.”
-Serious Cash Flow Problem
HAI there, Spirit Animal! I find a shame/depression nap always helps me.
Blood, semen, piss, and organs are all fungible.
They don’t necessarily have to be yours.
Or as this shifty girl I dated briefly once said, “if you have a warm butthole, you have a way to make money.”
Really glad I stopped drinking for a spell. I was making some really bad decisions back then.
DO YOU STILL HAVE HER NUMBER????
/that is hardest I have laughed all week
Did she mean it in the Locked Up Abroad sense or the ol’ mailbag question sense?
I’d like to take this time to remind you that I despise the Jets’ black unis. The Ravens can pull it off, because it’s actually a part of their color scheme.
Nice job there, Encino Man.
I swear I thought “Darnold is staring that guy down” just before the intercept.
He is very attracted to him. I understand his feelings all too well.
Do we get a special moment here from Unfrozen Caveman QB?
That was pretty special.
Fuck. Now BAL is gonna go 98 yards in 2 minutes and turn this into a fucking blowout. I hate that.
No sir.
Vyncint Smith spells his name all metal
But a first down he couldn’t gettle
For a fielded goal the jets will settle
And Hippo lost another bet’l.
Here endeth the drive.
Holy shit. That IS where I must’ve got that. I devoured those books as a kid.
Coulda been from Connery in The Untouchables. Or perhaps your own syphillis-ridden brain. Either way, um, beer!
As a kid I thought this cartoon was all kinds of stupid. As an late twenty-something adult I re-visited it and I liked it a bit more but still couldn’t understand the love for this tripe.
I wouldn’t have been able to describe it in these terms at the time, but I loved that Peanuts was kind of dark. Charlie Brown was a loser, Linus is a weirdo and never meets the Great Pumpkin, etc. Most kids’ media is always happy clappy, you-can-do-anything-if-you-try stuff, which was obviously unrealistic even if you had a relatively good childhood.
Totally stolen from Calvin and Hobbes.
[waits, giggles]
Lil’ Pete Buttigieg
Biggest shock to me thus far is that the NYJ actually have some points.
“I’ve got a really good feeling about this game.”
-Casper The Ghost, cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens
Did Ray Lewis kill him too?
So the Bud Knight and the king and the rest of them live amid modern technology, but just choose to dress up like that?
I DEMAND LOGICAL CONSISTENCY IN MY CHEAP BEER COMMERCIALS!
The medieval mindset is exactly what empowers the current Republican party. If the Senate doesn’t convict and vote to remove Trump, they might as fucking well coronate him and dissolve Congress.
It’s over, the Russians finally beat us after 75 years, and we invented the weapon that they used to do so.
So what you’re saying is, I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Wrong year, more like.
At least medieval aristocracy believed in noblesse oblige.
But I’m sure Trump believes in primae noctis, at least with Ivanka.
Are the Ravens just fucking with the Jest by letting them get decent kick returns?
It’s probably the humane thing to do.