Welcome back to DFO’s Annual Christmas movies review. This feature is where one of us poor bastards watches a Christmas movie and summarizes it for you, so you can go for a snooze or drink more booze when your significant other forces you to watch the movie. Today’s Christmas movie is currently streaming on Netflix and is titled Santa Girl.
The movie begins with
Colonel Sanders, a massive slave plantation owner Santa Claus returning to the North Pole after dropping off gifts for the year. Unlike most Santas in cinema, this Santa Claus (played by Brian Bostwick) is a real asshole. The only time you see this Santa smiling is in the featured image. His treatment of elves and his disdain for their Union is so bad, even Tom Coughlin thinks he crossed the line a few times. At one point, Santa goes to a business conference to discuss business with other slave owners entrepreneurs and he basically tells one person to go fuck himself in the most PG way possible. You can tell the writer who wrote the line was trying to make Santa sound like a badass, but, instead I was debating on turning the movie off. The same writer was clearly inspired by Wall Street because the only business talk spoken was in that kind of nonsensical jargon and added nothing to the plot.
slave elf, Pep (McKayla Witt), who is a barely legal Asian elf spinner who steals the show. She tries to wake Santa’s daughter, Cassie (Jennifer Stone), who absolutely acts like a slave owner’s daughter. For example, you can tell Cassie likes the concept of no slaves, but, she rather not have that happen because she would be inconvenienced and would lose her only friend. In contemporary times, Cassie is absolutely that liberal woman who only watches movies where white women are the protagonists in a movie about civil rights and thinks that Jeanine Anez being the President of Bolivia is a win for feminism.
Cassie is full of piss and vinegar and treats Pep, her only friend, like shit because Pep is her
slave personal servant. Cassie meets up with Santa and after having dialogue where they both mock elves and admit that slaves elves aren’t really people, the viewer finds out Cassie is in an arranged marriage to Jack Frost’s son, whom she has never met.
Cassie makes a deal with Santa that she will marry Jack’s kid without protest, as long as she gets to spend a semester at University. So Pep and Cassie go to University to discover themselves.
Thanks to Pep’s fine ass, Cassie has a wonderful time at college and is caught in a love triangle between JR– an athletic looking guy who is also very likeable, bilingual, a great dancer and is inexplicably attracted to Cassie– and Sam, a fucking weenie who is actually paid to stalk Cassie, and while he thinks he’s a nice guy, he’s actually a piece of shit who is insanely possessive. He’s so possessive, when he sees Cassie talking to JR, he just gets upset and leaves. It’s also worth mentioning that not only were neither dating, but Cassie also tells both JR and Sam that she’s not really available and only JR is OK and respectful of that. Sam throws a temper tantrum like the precious little snow flake that he is.
Inexplicably, it’s obvious the writers expect the viewer to be cheering for Sam, but it makes no sense. This culminates when Sam tells the man who is paying him to stalk Cassie (Jack Frost) that Cassie is Santa’s daughter and she lives in the North Pole, etc. Cassie told Sam in confidence, so when everyone now thinks Cassie is crazy because she thinks she’s Santa’s daughter, Cassie is bullied and isolated due to Sam’s temper tantrum. Since Sam was the only person who was told this, Cassie instantly knows who did the blabbing. Thankfully, JR was there to lessen the blow and be with Cassie during her difficult times, but Cassie starts to distance herself from JR because of Sam’s betrayal.
Fast forward to the Snowball Dance. JR reveals to Cassie that he is Jack Frost JR and they are to marry on Christmas Eve. Seeing how they click, JR goes down on one knee and proposes to Cassie. Slimball Sam conveniently enters the dance at this point and interjects, causing confusion for Cassie, but she says yes, anyway. Sam goes to the dance due to Pep’s advice, but you cannot blame Pep. She literally says she is naive and believes Sam has good intentions, which he clearly doesn’t.
Fast forward to the wedding and Santa puts Pep in charge, who was telling fellow female elves how popular she was with the boys. Santa then flies to earth to get Sam and asks him to find a loophole in the arranged marriage contract. This is where we find out Sam is in law school. What an asshole (Sorry DFO lawyers, ya’ll are the exception not the norm).
Since Santa apparently reads less than Trump, Sam finds the loophole on the first page, the arranged marriage gets nullified and Santa officially sets his daughter up with a hyper-possessive and overly sensitive nerd who is clearly going to beat Cassie and likely end up in a murder suicide once Cassie gets caught having an affair with a Leprechaun.
But don’t feel too bad for JR. As he walked down the aisle to exit, Pep hooks arms with him. Barely legal spinner Asian elf hooks up with best friends’ significantly taller and muscular ex? It’s like you’ve read my porn searches, Netflix. Ho Ho Ho!
Final thoughts: The beginning and end was hot garbage, but the middle was good.
Watch the Pep the elf goes to college porn parody instead.
3 OJ Simpsons out of 5 Phil Hartmans