That’s My Raiders! Not A Creature Was Stirring

EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – NIGHT

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: That Raiders Family [sic] is filmed in front of a live stupendous [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, asleep, an empty bag of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn sitting in his lap.  A sliver of drool runs out of the corner of his mouth.  Next to him DEREK CARR is also dozing, occasionally twitching and scratching at the air like a cat. TOM CABLE is over in the corner of the living room, hunched over his phone, apologizing repeatedly in a quiet voice.  The TV is tuned to Netflix, and a series of previews begins to play.

ANNOUNCER: This Christmas…Antonio found himself on the outs with all the teams in the NFL so he takes a job coaching “football” in…[record scratch]…Egypt?

ANNOUNCER: Leaving behind his life in the United States, Antonio takes the reins of a ragtag group of misfits…

ANNOUNCER: …and tries to mold them into a genuine team.  Cultural clashes abound as Antonio finds his patented seduction techniques aren’t even acknowledged by the team mothers…

ANNOUNCER: …and faces some of the worst field conditions this side of FedEx field…

ANNOUNCER: …can Antonio teach these kids a little something about the Joy of Christmas?  Stay tuned for.  I’m Dreaming of A Brown Christmas!

The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies begins playing as the camera focuses on one of the living room windows.  Through it, we see…

SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI silently slides the window open, but then pauses as he evaluates whether his ample frame will fit through. It clearly will not.  He backs away from the window and moments later he quietly slips in through the front door and sidles over to the coffee table, picking up the remote control.  He navigates through a menu and settles on…

ANNOUNCER: Hotshot management consultant Sebastian finds himself in a jam after a Christmas ad campaign he recommended to a client goes disastrously awry…

ANNOUNCER: Out of options, Sebastian takes on a contract to turn around a struggling industrial concern at…[record scratch]…the North Pole?

ANNOUNCER: …stay tuned as Sebastian tries to navigate the unrealistic dictates of his well-meaning but clueless boss, deflect the amorous attention of the boss’ insatiable wife, and turn the assembly line’s performance around in “The Pole”.

After SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI slips out of the room, another shadowy figure appears.  He reaches down and picks up the remote…

…but promptly drops it.  The noise causes DEREK CARR to stir, and AMARI COOPER promptly scampers out of the room and disappears.

DEREK CARR: Kolton.  [shakes his housemate] Hey, Kolton, wake up.

KOLTON MILLER: [pulls bag of popcorn away protectively] GET YOUR HANDS OF MY…[blinks his eyes sleepily]…oh, hey Derek.  What’s up?

DEREK CARR: We must have fallen asleep watching holiday movies.

KOLTON MILLER: Is it officially Christmas yet?

TOM CABLE’S EX-WIFE: [through the phone, loud enough that everyone can hear] FOR FUCK’S SAKE, TOM, IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT.  STOP DRINKING AND STOP BEGGING AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP CALLING ME.

KOLTON MILLER: It is Christmas!  Merry Christmas, Derek.

DEREK CARR: [scowls, then softens] Merry Christmas to you too, Kolton.  Merry Christmas to you, Tom. [cups his hands to his mouth so she can hear him through the phone] AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, MRS. CAB…UM…I MEAN MS. GOLACHEFSKI.

DEREK CARR then turns to face the camera directly, breaking the fourth wall. 

DEREK CARR: …and Merry Christmas to YOU too.

 

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Unsurprised

That one looks much better than Fedex Field.

King Hippo

good jerb, Oriente Petrolero!!!

Don T

Merry Day without work! This is the time of the holidays when I’m reminded of my fave Pink Floyd song: “Comfortably Drunk”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Who has two thumbs and a bag of weed?
/checks for thumbs
Yep, it’s me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And trust me, when you no longer have a regular guy, finding weed on Christmas is trickier than it sounds.

King Hippo

I think my neck doctor is only in his 40s, but is super hard to tell with Asian dudes. If he retires before I die, Seppuku seems the only option.

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s always Mexico. Just be careful coming back across.
I was once handcuffed for about an hour because a smarty pants customs agent at the Nogales border crossing thought he knew more about pharmaceuticals and the law than me. I did manage to tell him how stupid he was multiple times.

Had to wait for DEA agent from Tucson to show up and cut me loose.

No shit, true story.

theeWeeBabySeamus

NO CHARGES!!!!!!!

Don T

DEA Agent from Tucson: ¿Pueden quedarse con tWBS?

Nogales Customs Agent: ?? ¡Adiós!

litre_cola

Have a good day errrone. If you are missing a gambling fix, Bolivean futbol plays today! The Strongest v Always Ready. Yes, these are names of clubs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovi1SKwfyxU

King Hippo

Always Ready came back to briefly lead, but back to 2-2. GAMBLOR selection Oriente Petrolero got an equalizer to go into the half 1-1.

Bolivian footy seems fun, DUE SOMMET ESPN+!!

King Hippo

/could probably find a dodgy stream, but I dunno about exposing either laptop to Bolivian-calibre AIDS

litre_cola

Roja directa was where I used to go, or I betcha I could watch on bet365….

litre_cola

Yep, can watch on bet365 if you had money in your account….

King Hippo

Hippo is a stubborn prick who hates changing betting platforms!!

/I did make some good “comeback bet” moneys LiveBetting Israel and Morrocan leagues today

//fuck you, YOU have a problem

litre_cola

Damn straight I do.

King Hippo

I was quite worried that I would have to go TWO WHOLE DAYS without precious GAMBLOR.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where’s Gruden the Red-Faced Reindeer?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

He’s at the East Pole, grinding tape obvs.

Gratliff

I’ve already eaten my fill and dinner is only like 2/3 finished
comment image

rockingdog
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“The Pole”

Took the long way around for that joke, but I’m glad you made the journey. Now, anyone got any tips for cleaning eggnog off the carpet?

Dunstan

A Labrador retriever

King Hippo

yes, was top-notch wordplay. HUZZAH!!