Shall we get right at it? We shall.
TO THE GAMES!
Jets/Bills:
[shakes head] The Jets won 6 games? How? Anyhow, it’s not a far reach to posit that as a kid, Josh Allen must have thrived during ‘unstructured playtime’.
Browns/Bengals:
Much like Sex Panther, this game smells like Bigfoot’s dick. One must give Cincy props though, they dug themselves into a giant hole and now they have a Burrow.
Packers/Detroit:
December 29, 2019-mark this day as the last time you’ll ever hear the name David Blough. “He did his best, but his best was not nearly good enough”.
Chargers/Chiefs:
As noted last week, the Chiefs suddenly Hetty Green-like D (only an average of 9.6 points given up over the last 5 games) throws a spanner in the works of the playoffs. The Chargers now enter their “Eli Phase” whereby a clearly ineffective player long past his prime insists he can still play and the powers that be think it would be poor form to force him into retirement/bench him.
Bears/Vikes:
Minny is locked into the #6 seed so look for them to rest some dudes. By keeping Truth Biscuit behind center, Chicago fans can look forward to the O spinning its wheels for at least the next few years.
Fins/Inveterate Cheaters:
Brady has stuck his dick in Miami’s blowhole 15 times at home and has only been denied the one time. Many kudos to coach Flores for a job well done, despite every single member of the front office and ownership handcuffing him every step of the way.
Falcons/Bucs:
I’m sure that if I left this game out of the intro not a soul would have noticed. That said, Jameis will throw a pic in his 1st or 2nd series-it’s kind of a good luck thing with him. It ensures that he’ll toss a few more along the way to 350+ yards.
Saints/Panthers:
New Orleans will put this one to bed and then watch the Niners to see if they end up as the #1 or #2 seed.
Type to your heart’s content below.
This Jets-Bills game needs, nay, deserves, to end in most glorious tWBS.
/That’s a scoreless tie for those keeping score at home.
//It’s the one thing I remember from Lesser Footy Euroball!
Third replay of the FishPickSix. I <3 u, RedZone
FINCEPTIONTD FOR THE 10-0 LEAD! HOLY FUCKERADOO!
If you’re up 14 on a team that you should be murking, and then you also get a fumble, that is not a sudden change, Mr. Hanson
Nobody gave up as thoroughly and rapidly as the Panthers this December.
It’s the coke talking, not Hanson.
Since Raiders playoff chances don’t hinge on LAC/KC, but it would hurt the Pats, there are two things these “Chargers” need to do: lose and not hurt any KC players
I’m good with this plan. Also, Rivers needs to either 1) get hurt or 2) throw 6 INTs. I’m good with both, but I’ll take either one.
Greatest PickSix of All Time!!!
I screamed in glee, annoyed cat grandson
Patriots are gonna score 50 on the back half
Refs will make sure of it
On motherfucking cue
Remember when the defender had the right to go for the ball? Pepperidge Farm Remembers!
Tom Brady, troll genius.
What will Tampa do with Winston. He can ball but the turnovers are killer
Supposedly he wants $30 million a year, so I’m guessing they franchise him and see what happens.
A Winston franchise tag? They giving him a Red Lobster?
Captain D’s Seafood Kitchen.
At best a Long John Silver’s.
Lobster is for closers.
He only wants the never ending crab legs.
Has there ever been this unique combination of skill, derp, and just shit human all in one QB?
Bradshaw??
I’d have to watch more archive footage than I’m comfortable with, but if he played like he talks, I’ll buy it
I don’t recall Bradshaw being accused of rape.
The NFL had better control of the media back then. I wonder how much we would have learned about if they had social media like we do.
See also, Louisiana police force practices.
I remember that they couldn’t talk about his past marriages on FOX pregame back in the day, and I know that, because he started rambling on about his ex-wives and JB just turned to him and said “We can’t talk about your relationships, but you can just do that. Okay.” I sort of miss those random moments where the hosts would nearly murder each other, like this gem featuring that fucking look from Marino at the end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu8q3363qTk
Agreed. We need some ok Boomers to weigh in
I’d say the closest would be Ben Harflisberger, but he’s got just enough less derp, (and the fortune to be playing for a much better organization), to have much more success.
This is absolutely what will happen. He’ll be exactly the same, then they’ll clean house.
Most ill-timed – Beatie Mixon’s dominance, or A.A. Ron’s flatulence?
Of course ‘good’ Rivers shows up today.
“This has the feel of a pre-season game.” No idea who the announcer for the Bills/Jets tilt but I’m an insta-fan of his.
Tom McCarthy and Jay Feely. Kickers make for good announcing
Okay, mark me down as having warm feelings for Feely.
probably quite a bit colder, tho
Really disappoint that Brokeback’s backup is no longer J Peterman.
What in the hell was that MERDE VOUS, LE DAUPHIN doing trying to field that punt on its own two?!
Fuuuuuuck. Ertz has a lacerated kidney. Likely done for the season. The Eagles inactive list could make a run at the NFC championship
That’s a shame.
we’ve got some Glorious Late Window DERP coming
Agreed. Cannot wait for the Giants to beat the Eagles, only to have the [*Redacted] s beat the Patriots when Cobra Kai shanks a 33-yard FG attempt that Garret orders, out of pure spite, on 2nd down.
I want the clinching event to be MOST GLORIOUS DRAW, either way
Morning Folks
M’lord.
Is this a reenactment of a Marc Trestman dream?
Yes, yes it is.
Jesus christ. They couldn’t give us one important game in the early slot?
should have been all NFC Least
Because the NFL cares about its fans.
Replay Challenge goes against New England?! New England gets flagged for Offensive Pass Interference?!?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbwTZPjieLA
yet the Chefs still fucking this incredible gift up
WITNESS ME SOMEBODAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!
These Chefs done spilled they seed upon the ground! Displeasing to the LAWD, cockwallets!!
Josh Allen’s day is over and so is recess football.
#SadPanda
/but really, he is WAY too stupid to play things safe, is a good move
Packers looking like they don’t want the bye week.
Beatie Mixon “punches it in!”
Needs a trigger warning.
Redshirt – when y’all win today, does that mean Joint Custody of Ohio?
Bengals…gets an interception?!
Baker, Baker, the Turnover Maker
Obligatory:
“Turnover? What kind of filling? Doesn’t matter, I’m in for a dozen.”
-A. Reid
It’s Upside Down Day!
Too bad, I was looking forward to watching Breesus Christ throw for 80-90 yards in sub-zero Green Bay.
Wolves created 4-5 solid chances in an exciting last few minutes. They are probably the 3rd best team in the PL RN.
I wouldn’t argue against that. Perhaps even 2nd (Leicester are a fraud).
Benevento have a 2nd, BELISSIMA!!!!
I assume scotchy ain’t snapped up Matt Patricia yet, because that’s just too much ded body to chop up?
Wood chipper technology hasn’t caught up to a body the size of Patricia’s.
Bills just love that end around to Mackenzie. (which is successful 10% of the time)
Father Pence is stoked that the Gay kicker missed.
Fun Fact: Gay Kicker was his gang name on the mean streets of Muncie.
Fins up 3-0, cue the grumbling Pats fans.
Adama Traore could be an all-pro running back or safety if he played Freedomball.
really is a unique physical specimen
BloodSugarFitzMagic is a national treasure.
He’s seen the secret code on the Declaration of Independence?
Holy crap! The Browns started only one QB for the first time since 2001.
That’s good.
It was Baker Mayfield.
That’s…not so good?
2 pickerceptions voided by THREE Clippers du Merde BLEERGH tributes.
/femur drums grow louder
These Cuck Liouns just out there having fun…but they may have awoken a sleeping Rodgers.
No breezy afternoon going over Bear porn (no matter how thoroughly he fucked up Chi**** this year).
Really impressive, feckless INT return
Its nice being able to fully enjoy a Bengals’ touchdown without worrying about losing the top pick.
Christ, I will end up using my Transition tag on Beatie Mixon now, and he’ll fuck me all over again.
That’s taking one on the chin.
So Elon Musk replied to one of my tweets this morning! I called him a pedo, and he called me a troll/bot. He’s half right I guess
JUST DON’T MOCK GLORIOUS GRIMES!!!!!
I WOULD NEVER!
You’re a robot? Huh, I wouldn’t have guessed.
BLEERGH is continuing Operation: Screw Over Ohio from last night.
Gambling today is a roller coaster ride. Strap in and hold on.
Benevento didn’t give one up??
Nah they good, lines be moving.
I’mma stop for the day if they come good (unless I insure bet Gigantes or Dacteds)
Or strap on and hold it in.
Sorry.
Carry on.
Black Panthers noe wut TIME it is!!
That is, “to forfeit”
I guess the Bengals weren’t tanking after all.
#ThePauls! trading down in the 1st!
Should Fuck You, Dolphin! win in Foxboro, my man Brian Flores MUST be Coach of the Year.
Tomlin all day.
Would be a fair Lifetime Achievement Award. BUT FLORES MUST RECEIVE VOTES
This Andy Dalton, I call it Andy Dufresne because he spent years in prison-like conditions led by corrupt management crawling through shit only to be redeemed in rain to come out clean on the other side.
Forgot I didn’t need to get mah Chubb on until the 4:25 window. Don’t you hate it when tha’ happen?
I also have bet Gigantes to win (FT only, think Iggles blow a lead), Dacteds to win HT and FT (think DAK! is DED – as in too badly injured, nae shitty).
I may be having some mild caffeine/sleep deprivation palpitations. But I’d never be lucky enough to go out watching Most Beloved RedZone. MOAR coffee it is!!!
Waiting for a Deci nap and then nap it out then hit the cold meds and caffeine!