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{Exterior, Coach Mike Zimmer’s ranch in Northern Kentucky}
[Door Flies Open]
Coach Zimmer: “Hey everybody, I’m home!”
Maria: “Hi Coach! Welcome home!”
Beansie: “EEEEEKK!”
CZ: “Man, it’s good to be home but I tell ya, I wouldn’t mind being in Miami right now doing some game prep.”
Maria: “You know Coach. You had a pretty successful season really. Getting that road win in New Orleans? That was big for your team.”
CZ: “Yeah, it was. First playoff road win since 2005! Holy shit Culpepper was the fuckin’ quarterback back then if you can believe that shit.”
Maria: “See Coach? You can build on this.”
CZ: “I really appreciate your enthusiasm Maria but dropping Herm Edwards quotes on me ain’t helping.”
Maria: “Just being positive. I liked this team this year.”
CZ: “So did I, Maria.”
Maria: “Even your idiot fucking quarterback?”
CZ: “At times. He’s just so goddamn inconsistent it drives me fucking nuts.”
Maria: “One more year to evaluate.”
CZ: “One more year. Say Maria, where’s Mr. Winkles?”
Maria: “Coach, we haven’t seen Mr. Winkles in over a week. I was going to tell you.”
CZ: “A week? Geez. Well, he’s probably out playing in the woods getting up to some hijinks. He came from the wild after all.”
Maria: “Coach..he missed last week’s episode of South Park.”
CZ: “WHAT?! Holy shit, he never misses South Park. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Maria: “Coach, there’s something else I need to show you. Without little ears.”
CZ: “OK. Hey Beansie? Go play some Xbox or something while I talk to Maria.”
Beansie: “EEEEEKKKKK!!!!!”
CZ: “What is it Maria?”
Maria hands Coach a copy of the local newspaper.
CZ: “Fourth toddler missing? What the Hell?”
Maria: “Look what else it says.”
CZ: “‘In addition to the 4 missing children, locals also reported 14 missing dogs and one missing cat.’ That poor kitty!”
Jesus, this is creepy Maria but why are you telling me this in secret?”
Maria: “Coach, you don’t think Mr. Winkles had anything to do with this do you?”
CZ: “WHAT? Fuck no! That’s insane! Why would you think that?”
Maria: “It says here that neighbors heard ‘snarling and gnashing.”‘
CZ: “So? Lots of things snarl and gnash. Why would you suspect Mr. Winkles?”
Maria: “He’s been running back and forth to his little playhouse out in the woods. Sometimes he’s dragging things. Lately there’s been this horrible smell coming from the woods too. I’m scared, Coach.”
CZ: “You didn’t go in his playhouse did you?”
Maria: “Oh no! No, Coach. You said to never go in there. He’s very protective of his things.”
CZ: “I think this is all crazy anyway. Mr. Winkles wouldn’t hurt anyone. He’s kind! And furry! And he’s helpful. Just look at this Christmas photo.
See! He’s adorable!”
Maria: “I know Coach but something feels wrong about this. Would, would you check his playhouse? Maybe he’s out there!”
CZ: “Alright Maria. I’ll check. You’ll see. This is all gonna be about nothing.”
[Coach grabs a flashlight and heads out the back door]
[Coach hums to himself as he heads towards the woods]
CZ: “Afraid of Mr. Winkles. That’s just silly. Just a couple more miles to the playhouse. Wanted to give that boy all of the privacy he wanted.”
[after trudging through the woods, Coach finally comes upon the playhouse]
CZ: “Playhoos! That’s just so darned cute. God.DAMN what is that smell?”
Coach begins to gag. Holding his nose he turns on the flashlight and enters the front door of the playhouse.
CZ: “Jesus Christ on a goddamn falafel cart it fucking stinks in here. Fuck.”
Entering the dark playhouse, Coach spots a very small table. There’s something on it.
CZ: “The fuck is this? A tape recorder? What the shit is that for?”
He turns the machine on and hears:
“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!” a slight pause follows then “RIPSNARLCHOMPCHOMPGNASHSHRED!!”
Coach turns off the recorder.
CZ: chuckling “Just listen to him. What a card.”
Coach sweeps the flashlight around the entire interior of the small shack but finds nothing but claw marks and a small mound of blankets where Mr. Winkles sleeps.
Carrying the tape recorder Coach heads back to the house.
[front door flies open]
CZ: “Maria? Come here to check this out. You were scared over nothing.”
Maria: “A tape recorder? I haven’t see one of those in years! What’s on it?”
CZ: “Mr. Winkles! I think he’s, like doing a stand up routine or something.”
He turns the recorder on and hits play.
“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”
CZ: “Ain’t he the best? Listen to him!”
Maria: “Can you rewind and play that again, Coach?”
CZ: “Sure! It’s awesome!”
“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”
Maria: “He’s saying something.”
CZ: “What?”
Maria: “He’s saying something about you. His Dad.”
CZ: “Are you saying you understand him?!”
Maria: “Yes. I can understand Mr. Winkles!”
CZ: “Fuck right off! You’re telling me you speak goddamn wolverine?”
Maria: “Yes! Didn’t you hire me to help you take care of Mr. Winkles and Beansie? To keep them entertained? What do you think we do here for the months and months you are away from home? Of course I understand him.”
CZ: gobsmacked, “I just.. I mean that’s fucking amazing! Wait, do you understand Beansie too?”
Maria: chuckling “All Beansie does all day is smoke dope and play Xbox. He just says ‘EEEEEKKKK!'”
CZ: “That sounds about right. So what does the tape say? Maybe he’ll tell us where he went.”
Maria rewinds the tape.
Mr. Winkles Voice: “SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”
Maria: “He says ‘Father was always fierce! A warrior! Forged in flame and prepared for battle. Fearless!'”
CZ: “Well, yeah. Fuck yeah! You tell ’em Mr. Winkles! Play some more.”
MWV: “RIPSNARLCHOMPCHOMPGNASHSHRED!!”
Maria: “Father beat the heavily favored Saints on their home field! The first step towards glory and destiny with Valhalla!”
CZ: “Hell yeah! Mr Winkles knows his Vikings folklore! He’s incredible! Keep going.”
MWV: “SNARLGNASHSNARLSNARLCHOMPRENDTEAR……snarl..rip…sniff.”
Maria: “Travelling to San Francisco the team was ready. The would shred the Niners to bitty little pieces!! Only, only…”
CZ: “What?”
MWV: “whimpersniffwhimpersob.”
Maria: “Only to punt the ball trailing 27-10 with less than 9 minutes left in the game.”
CZ: “Uhhh..”
MWV: “Sniffcrywhimpersob…sob..sniff.”
Maria: “He says…Coach? This is kind of difficult. Do you really want to hear it?”
CZ: “Tell me Maria. I can take it.”
Maria: “He says…He says ‘My only hope is to leave. To return to the wild. To relearn my ferocity. To return to animalhood. Less I lose my testicles too.’ Coach? I’m so sorry!”
CZ: “Jesus! Little fucker really is vicious. Fuck me. You know what though? He’s RIGHT! He’s absolutely goddamn right! I did go soft, dammit! I lost my intensity. Mr. Winkles is telling the truth!”
Maria: “Are you going to be OK Coach?”
CZ: “Fuck yes I will! I am going to rebuild myself. Mold next years team in the shape of sheer animal terror itself! We will shred our opponents and shit out their bloody remains! Death before defeat!”
Maria: “But what about Mr. Winkles?”
CZ: “He’s right! I don’t deserve an animal that fierce! I have lost my right to keep such a genuine goddamn beast in my care. I tried to turn him into a pet and look what happened! Be well Mr. Winkles. Get back in touch with nature! Become the badass motherfucker you were always supposed to be. Then when your anger, hate and aggression return maybe I’ll do something that will make you proud to come back. Godspeed Mr. Winkles!”
Maria: “Oh Coach! That’s so great!”
CZ: “Yeah but enough of that shit. It’s time for some rest. Hey Beansie!”
Beansie: “EEEEEKKKK!?!”
CZ: “Grab the chillum and the sunscreen ‘cuz it’s time to go back to Jamaica, Mon!”
Beansie: “EEEEK!! EEEEK!!! EEEEKKKK!!!!”
fin
Ready for work tomorrow?
With all the Special Feature that George Lucas jammed into Empire Strikes Back, I’m surprised he didn’t include their breaths being visible when they were inside the Hoth base.
Colorado Kobe is dead, eh? Huh.
CNN is talking about Bryant?! I never thought I would say this, but BRING BACK THE IMPEACHMENT COVERAGE!!! Hell, Jeanine Pirro asked Giuliani for proof about his Biden allegations. Let’s talk about that!
Much like people ask Unsurprised why he’s on Twitter, I must ask, “Why is a conservative watching CNN?”
Watched CNN lately?
Exactly. CNN is not even close to what it once was. Someone decided they needed to become the Liberal Fox News.
I don’t watch any of the “news” networks.
Well, first they were the liberal fox news. They hired conservative strategists to run their political coverage, so now instead of liberal fox news, it’s just less successful fox news.
I decided during the 2000s that CNN is the closest I can get to fair and unsided. They may be liberal, but I trust my own common sense to filter out the slant, get the information, and come to my own conclusions.
MSNBC: “George W. Bush is an idiotic monster that should resign!”
Fox News: “George W. Bush is a great man sent by God Himself who deserves our worship!”
CNN: “George W. Bush is the President of the United States.”
“Gosh darn CNN and their lies!”
-Al G.
Happy birthday to us!
Good Hustle! Good Hustle!
Who are those boobs?
Balls, we’ve been over this dozens of times. There is a person connected to those boobs that has their own personality and feelings. You’ll have to respect that person, personality and feelings to gain access to those boobs
She purposely chose that outfit to be on TV. She wanted people to look at those boobies.
I’m just doing what she wants.
Also, I respect her choice of outfit.
Love that we’ve ignored the pro bowl
The what?
The Prob Owl.
The full-size downloadable file is yuuuuuge (like 3348 pixels wide)
h
ttps://pixxxels.cc/V5JD72Q2
Don’t look like Kobe is gonna pass Jordan on the all time age list.
Somebody get the ICC on the phone. This person needs to be jailed under The HagueThe previous photo was a war crime.
/Refers to the banner quote about Kobe passing anything
Shaq got killed better.
Teams are honoring Kobe Bryant by starting the game with two 24-second violations. The honoring will continue tonight by taking a hotel employee to their room and violating their—–
DFO Profile Redshirt has been banned for 10 minutes due a violation of the terms of service to this website
Are you kidding? If we didn’t already have a Kobe banner, your completed comment would certainly merit a banner.
That is a killer banner
If Kobe’s death brought about this bounty of tits, then I think you have an excellent coping mechanism.
Who did what now?
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ttps://pixxxels.cc/gallery/1980g4cts/
Love tan lines, hate stupid tattoos. Such a conundrum…
Go team!
They really did a great job casting Riverdale.
THIS AFC PRO BOWL DEFENSE, I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT REALLY GIVING IT THEIR BEST EFFORT, THEY’RE STILL TRYING TO FUCK COUSINS
Who wants titties?
Bruce Jenner?
Is it necrophilia the way every sports pundit is fellating Kobe right now?
“Other people died in the crash? Did they score 81 against the Raptors? I didn’t think so!”
There’s a rumour going round that Earth, Wind And Fire is the real half-time show. The opening tune is “Booger Wonderland”.
I guess Kobe got canceled today.
-Howard Stern, trying desperately to stay relevant
Not before recording one last slam dunk.
I guess the Kobe beef is well done today
I guess the sequel Snakes on a Chopper went Straight to the Ground
This Prob Owl is getting the attention it deserves, which is little to none.
Tessitore making the case for Kobe’s sainthood. Did I miss where he cured cancer or put an end to war?
Changing your jersey number absolves you of all sins you committed while you were wearing that number. If OJ Simpson came back to play in ’95 playoffs wearing #46, everything would be cool.
Dammit Indiana, you had one jorb.
Keeping the Ark of the Covenant out of the Nazi’s hands is hard work.
No, he messed up. He should’ve let the Nazi’s have it so they can take it to Reichstag and open it in front of Hitler and all of the Nazi Leadership. Boom! World War II reduced to a small regional war in Italy and a medium sized regional war in Japan and the Holocaust stopped before it could really start!
So there’s a chance that Trump will open it at the 2020 Republican National Convention?
Could we just let him drink from one of the fake Holy Grails?
In 2016 we could, but the whole party is rotten now. We’re need to burn the whole crop down and replant.
Holy shit…Kobe Bryant just died in a helicopter crash.
In Calabasas
Hope that rapist enjoys hell.
Agreed. My only regret is people went with him.
Now his wife can wear her fancy “sorry about my rapiness” purple diamond to his funeral!
Well done.
God speed, Mr. Winkles.
This is spectacular. I see you combined writing with cooking your special brownies.
Hee hee…Indiana on the verge of punking UMd.
Please God, please let this happen.
Perv Alert! Women’s junior curling is on. I’m only looking at the girlies that are 18 and over ’cause I’m responsible like that.
Sloth alert – you layzay buggers forgot to make a Sunday Proper Footy open thread… U MONSTERS!
What channel???? Errrrr…. I mean HOW DARE YOU!!!!!
The majority of them are going the yoga pants route and yelling “HARD!” at the top of their lungs. It’s completely disgusting!
Youi poor poor bastard. I’ve certainly heard my share of women yelling at me at the top of their lungs. I don’t think any were wearing yoga pants at the time.
Probably foar the best.
To be fair, you were trying to find the exact change in your man purse at Walmart…
YOU SAID YOU’D NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT!!!!
Look, you’re the one that promised me that I could get a blow job from Hanna Montana. And what did I get? A hand job from Miranda Cosgrove. I’m sick of your shit. You’re always over-promising and under-delivering. If you do this again I’m reporting you to the Illuminati.
Seriously? You missed Liverpool laying an egg just now against Shrewsbury Town? Manure arse-blasting Tranmere or Shitty beating Fulham? There was so much shit ripe for gamblin!
I wish the Bears would hire Mr. Winkles to coach. Or play quarterback, either way.
“I LOVE RIPPING APART TITTIES!”
-Pigs, on Robert Picton’s farm
Wake Forest up 10 on Virginny. The ACC is really down this year, no wonder Sillycuse is on a five game bender.
This is fucking excellent. Godspeed, Mr. Winkles! May the wild survive the onslaught that is about to befall it.
Roma v Lazio. There will be blood! I would kill a racist to be there. In that case andiamo Roma!
Gonna start “Occupied” on Netflix. It’s a Norwegian political thriller and not a story about being interrupted in a public washroom.
It’s pretty good.
No picture of Maria?
Great googly moogly.
Don’t google it, lol.. It’s a trap! Or tran… (unless you’re into that sort of thing… not judging)
/Eli’s post-retirement google searches
How much does it cost to buy a zoo?
Can you ride the animals at the zoo?
What does the Captain of the Zoo do?
Does the Captain of the Zoo have a hat like the captain of a ship?
Did anyone else try to decipher what Mr Winkles was saying from his words but before Maria does? Just me. Okay. Nevermind
Coach Zimmer is the man who can take such heartbreak and use it to make himself better.
When what he really should be doing is landing a QB that neutralize his abhorrent clock management, like Andy Reid.
Found a funny:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCbYtKW2BNo
Ahh an acid trip at 6:20 in the morning. Thank you.