DFO Hate Week Halftime Hate! The Superb Owl Halftime Show

Or as it’s better known, Pepsi Presents The Superb Owl Halftime Show.

Excuse me. It is now called "Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar."

No but seriously, it actually is sponsored by Pepsi. Also Frinkiac wasn’t playing nice with the length of the quote.

Where to begin, where to begin! I guess we can start with the performers. Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. Now, I can’t be mad at them individually. It’s Miami, so of course there needs to be a strong Latin music presence. And I guess you can argue J-Lo counts as proxy Miami since she’s engaged to Miami native Alex Rodriguez? (GAMBLOR has the O/U on A-Rod sightings at 0.5 according to Bovada. I’d take the over, because he also has ties to the Fox baseball broadcast.) And I’m pretty sure the rest of the Internet outside of sports/dick joke blogs get mad if you badmouth Shakira. And I don’t have specific grievances apart from sometimes I can’t figure out what she’s saying, but I don’t know if that’s a diction thing or an accent thing or a me thing. Plus it doesn’t matter in the end because she’s attractive, or her hips don’t lie, or she’s Colombian. That’s about all I know really about Shakira, and I’m pretty sure that’s all the important stuff anyway.

So I have no problem with the specific performers. Hell, I might even be too lazy to change the channel and in the end technically watch the halftime show (obviously this is being written before then). The problem is… I don’t particularly care. Maybe it’s the state of popular music today that we can give all of the Grammys to a girl whose hit song someone compared to a combination of entrapment for statutory, fake house music, and the Wizards of Waverly Place theme (it was a Disney Channel show around the turn of the decade which gave us Selena Gomez), and the combination gets a rap somehow makes today’s teenage girls think they’re edgy. Which is then posted in meme form in the comments of Marilyn Manson songs. I mean power to Billie Eilish (I think I spelled it right) as a human being and for making something that sells, considering low-quality beats have been a thing since Soulja Boy famous used a trial version of FL Studio to make “Crank Dat.” But whenever I accidentally heard a snippet on the radio I was like “meh” and moved onto something else, and will only listen to the whole thing once the inevitable Weird Al polka version drops. If that.

I mean that seems like the kind of thing he would do, right?

So if I have no specific qualm with the performers, what do I have one with? Well, first off the inevitable guest artists, because Miami is the starting place of both DJ Khaled AND Pitbull. Who both pride themselves on being featured on a track that nobody wanted them there for, with an annoying as all fuck catchphrase for each of them. And dollars to donuts, you know, you just know, that at somepoint during this halftime show you’re going to hear “ANOTHA ONE!” or someone exclaiming that they’re Mr. Whirlwhy. Which is arguably a more fitting nickname, because he comes in and out like a whirlwind of aggravation to the listener’s ears and leaves as you ask yourself “Why?”

“But Senor,” I hear you say. “You’re just hating because these two people have made what we assume are six, or seven, or dare we say even eight, figures in a field that you’ll be lucky if you make a total of a million dollars from now until death.” To which I say 1, fuck off, 2, what part of “Hate Week” do you not understand, and 3, the real source of my hatred for the halftime show; even beyond a person whose claim to fame is being a walking advertisement for a swill that their producers call beer that wishes it could be something enough to be served in Hell—you need to taste like “whatever” to be up for it apparently—apart from our personal hatred of that previously alluded to #branding; is, as always, the NFL and their sponsors. And it’s for very simple reasons as a freelance musician.

Do you know what I get paid to do? What people give me money to do? Perform music. Do you know what the artists get paid to do? What people give them money to do? Well, I guess you could argue sell records, but albums don’t make money, tours do. So… perform music. It’s not that difficult to comprehend. Yes, we like doing it, and that’s why we do it. But the whole freelance “paying people in exposure” is bullshit. It pisses us off.

Are there a couple things I’ve done for free? Yes. Namely, with groups that I like playing with because I like the people in them, or people that I’m already friends with, that it’s some cool shit that they’re doing that I might not get a chance to do otherwise (cough cough this), and I don’t have anything else to do that day. But they also understand that the paid gigs come first, because they’re in the same boat as freelancers as I am. You gotta pay the bills, especially the interminable student loans.

And hell, a decent number of those they’ll at least do things like cover transportation, or buy us dinner and/or drinks. But that’s because they’re good people, or else I wouldn’t be friends with them and have agreed to it in the first place.

Now, back to this. You can assume that the Superb Owl makes boatloads upon boatloads of money. And yes, the halftime show is sponsored by Pepsi so in a way it acts as a giant ad, since they have a spot leading up to the show anyway. And Pepsico’s not exactly hurting for money—they’re sponsoring a 15-or-so-minute show on a football field, the stage, pyrotechnics, for fuck’s sake. It apparently adds up to about $10 million or more, according to the Wall Street Journal.

But the headliners don’t get a cent from the NFL. Or Pepsi. Which means they are quite literally doing it for the exposure. And true, the exposure for them is nice, I guess. The CNBC article I’m getting my figures from says that digital sales of the artists do get a surge as a result of a significant portion of the country watching the show. Well hoo-fucking-ray for them.

Here’s the problem: If it’s good for the golden goose, it must theoretically be good for the aluminum gander. If the NFL, a multi-billion dollar organization, can get away with paying its headline musicians zero money (they do pay the band so thank god), then Phil McDouchicuddy thinks he can get away with it for his event, because he doesn’t have NFL money (no one does). And then considers that person ungrateful for not pouncing at the opportunity to bring their gear, or their talents, or a combination of the two to wherever and doing the gig for the 8 people who will be there because hey, exposure! First off, that’s not exposure, dude, that’s just getting me to play your private party, and also possibly false advertising because nobody’s here. Also if you’re playing an event, maybe sometimes someone asks for your card. One person. 5% of the time. If that. Otherwise you’re just another face, part of the scenery, the ambience, the furniture. If there’s any exposure at all it’s to your colleagues who get you on other gigs. That’s how I got into the circuits that I frequent nowadays.

The NFL has money and power. I’d say it should make some sort of good faith example in terms of paying their headliners, but as we all know these days, money and power give you the ability to get away with whatever you want, obviously including stiffing your independent contractors. So instead we have a very special Hate Week epilogue, because PAY PEOPLE FOR THEIR SERVICES DAMMIT.

We now continue with the second half of your football game.

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Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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Brocky

Fuck yeah ketchup!

I’m putting that on my hot dogs just to piss people off!

Horatio Cornblower

Is there a second half thread? Do we just stay here? Do we go back to the original thread?

I NEED GUIDANCE HERE PEOPLE!!!

makeitsnowondem

HELP

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Keep pulling the sweater.

Brocky

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makeitsnowondem

Tom Steyer’s going to air a 15-second ad in the fourth quarter where he just asks Bernie Sanders to please be his friend.

Gratliff

Yeah. Good. Okay. 2020

Gratliff

Mike Bloomberg with that Super Bowl ad money. He’s polling at roughly 3% among his closest friends.

SonOfSpam

2% among his Jewish friends.

Redshirt

I’d vote for Trump before I vote for Bloomberg. In that scenario, a gun is to my head or a really hot woman is saying she’ll sleep with me if I vote for Trump instead of Bloomberg. In my defense, she is really gorgeous.

Mother Puncher

I had a Pulse Nightclub joke but then I remembered that was in Orlando, not Miami

Sharkbait

Still gotta shoot that shot.

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus Christ.

SonOfSpam

maek the joke unless your a homo

nomonkeyfun

Just in time for the gun contril commercial.

Horatio Cornblower

Is it just me or has Jimmy aged 15 years since getting into the HoF?

Mother Puncher

If anything, it was good because Pitbull didn’t show up when I thought for sure he would

Gratliff

Twitter got real horny for Shakira and her mom

Brocky

I’ve seen that video ?

Gatoraids

If was a teen I would have beat the spread during the Shakira performance

SonOfSpam

Spread’s gonna need to be Spray’n’Washed.

Brocky

So its totally a thing for white Republican dudes to be guarded about their blatant desire for females of color?

Like they’re being catered to but they cant admit it

SonOfSpam

Strom Thurmond has something to say about that from hell.

Horatio Cornblower

Is it “AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH, the flames hurt so much and it never stops!!!!!”? Because I really hope it’s “AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH, the flames hurt so much and it never stops!!!!!”

SonOfSpam

THAT is something I could get a semi for/to.

Horatio Cornblower

No, usually they get caught trying to jack other guys off in airport bathrooms.

SonOfSpam

I JUST HADDA WIDE STANCE

Gratliff

The wide stance in the stall excuse is an all-timer

makeitsnowondem

LARRY CRAIG INNOCENT

Horatio Cornblower

MAKE OUT!!!

Mother Puncher

I mean, this isn’t boring

Gratliff

fucking riverdance now

Horatio Cornblower

A Puerto Rican flag and a US flag!? On the same cape!? Sean Hannity is gonna have a coronary.

So I wholeheartedly endorse this.

Mother Puncher

NFL fans don’t know the difference

SonOfSpam

She’s from the same general swarthy sweaty place.

Gatoraids

Jlo tribute to Jeffrey Epstein

Horatio Cornblower

That’s like the 4th banner-worthy comment tonight

makeitsnowondem

[Mitch McConnell voice] Let me introduce you to my party people

Brocky

I’ll never forget my grandpa asking:

“So is she from mexico or New York because she’s trying to say she’s from both”

Horatio Cornblower

I thought JLo was Puerto Rican?

Redshirt

“Isn’t Puerto Rico part of Mexico?” – Trump and supporters

Brocky

Based on that flag, yes

SonOfSpam

Who’s MexiBieber?

Horatio Cornblower

No shit. Who the fuck is that guy?

makeitsnowondem

I thought he was Pitbull but I’m now being told he’s American Staffordshire Terrier.

SonOfSpam

Lovely.

Horatio Cornblower

My god, the Fox audience reaction to this show is going to be glorious. “My Wilbur had three heart attacks and tried to have relations with me for the first time in 22 years! This sort of filth is destroying our country!”

makeitsnowondem

i’m good at replying

Redshirt

Back to the Future Timeline 1 1985: “Marty meet me at a mall at 1:00 AM. I have a top secret time machine to show you.”
Back to the Future Timeline 2 2015: “Yeah, 10:00 in the morning should be okay. I doubt anyone will be in the suburbs on a Saturday morning to see a flying time machine.”
Back to the Future Timeline 3 1985: “Is anyone besides Jennifer looking? Who cares, lets go flying in daylight!!!!”

Back to the Future 2 and 3 is all Doc Brown’s fault!

Redshirt

Back to the Future Timeline 5 1985: “Okay, Doc. The time machine is destroyed. Just like you wanted.” (boom-boom-boom) “Hey everyone, check out my cool flying train!!!!”

Gatoraids

Halftime not as explosive as the first half on my street where.a guy ran a truck into a block party and shot a few people

Gatoraids

You know it just 10 miles dromth Super bowl or so

SonOfSpam

Just made a Meat Curtains comment about Shakira’s last song and my wife HAD NEVER HEARD THAT TERM EVER AND WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS???

makeitsnowondem

Buddy, what are YOU doing in public schools.

SonOfSpam

Making money and/or friends.

nomonkeyfun

Glad to see the salute to leather culture.

Horatio Cornblower

I see JLo went with the tribute to San Francisco with this costume choice.

nomonkeyfun

Fuck.

Horatio Cornblower

No, no, yours was good too!

Gatoraids

Hope we get the Ben Affleck Jlo duet weve been waiting for

Horatio Cornblower

“We”?

Brocky

She should have worn this outfit

comment image

Brick Meathook

The read this entire post about halftime shows.

(Just kidding that thing is like a mile long)

Gratliff

“The jig is up!”

SonOfSpam

And gone!

Sharkbait

Someone is definitely copping a feel there.

Gatoraids

Yeah and they made sure she fell into tho performers and not the crowd

Gatoraids

Why is Ali g ruining the good part

Horatio Cornblower

WHY ARE THEY SINGIN’ IN SPANISH AND NOT ‘MERICAN!!!!
-65% of the TV audience

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

The people behind Back to the Future did a special to explain why there is no hoverboards, flying cars, home fusion energy devices and hyper-inflation, but they still don’t explain how Claudia Wells turned into Elizabeth Shue.

Horatio Cornblower

I fucking wish Texas would get hit with tornadoes like that.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I will read this tomorrow. Jeremy Clarkson is about to race James May and Richard Hammond from England to some ski resort in Switzerland, him in a Ferrari and them on British Air. Fuck the halftime show, unless it’s holograms of Michael Jackson, Prince, and Tom Petty performing, and sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry.

Horatio Cornblower

I gotta believe the English Channel is gonna play a spoiler role here.

nomonkeyfun

The big surprise is they can’t get back because they are too furrrrrin post brexit.

Mother Puncher

May the spirit of Dale Earnhart be with him. I mean that in the worst way possible.

Brocky

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SonOfSpam

Ok fellas…WHO YA GOT???

Brocky

I got…… a distraction

Redshirt

Five internet bucks on Gronk.

Gatoraids

Shakira and Jlo cuz Low T doesn’t lie fellas

SonOfSpam

This is a good comment.

Mother Puncher

I haven’t been as active here as I was in seasons past (Bengals fan, don’t watch much football.) Have you guys covered Terry’s transition into being a hat guy?

Gatoraids

How much did they have to pay for those guys to out on chargers hats

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Important admission: apparently my beer is only 8.1%

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

I’ve had two 8.5% and two 6.7%. Switching to Coors Light because work tomorrow.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a good idea, get some water in you to rehydrate

Redshirt

Increase your intake by 35.8%.

Horatio Cornblower

Pussy

yeah right

The crowd is hoping that Shakira breaks out the Sha-Walker. And I’m not even really sure what that means but they thought it was funny.

Sharkbait

Fuck the halftime show

Redshirt

I’m here to say I’m not watching this shit. TWENTY-THREE YEARS AND COUNTING!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought Erin Andrews did t like poorly shot vertical video

Mother Puncher

They tend to make her a lot of money

SonOfSpam

Hey at least I used a filter.

makeitsnowondem

FEED
THOSE
CATS

FEED
THOSE
CATS

SonOfSpam

Is that some kind of “make Shakira and JLo hook up” chant? Because okay.

makeitsnowondem

Sorry, it’s just the chore I had to do at halftime.

SonOfSpam

Still…sounds sexy.