Scene:  The DFO Clubhouse

Time:  9:43 am.

Horatio gets out of his car, a red Corvette if past stories are to be believed, (they should not), staggering under the weight of a dozen boxes.  His hands thus occupied, Horatio uses his as-believable-as-that-Corvette martial arts skills to kick open the door without leaving so much as a scratch on the frame.

“Hey, guys, guys, (Horatio is woke-as-fuck and uses ‘guys’ for both genders, because he is also a moron), it’s Super Sunday and guess who just cleaned out all the paczkis from old lady Stanislaus’s bakery!  We got raspberry, blueberry, for some reason prune, cre…”

Horatio realizes that he’s talking to no one.  Despite it being Super Sunday, the Highest of Holy Days for DFO, the clubhouse is empty.  It looks like the place has been trashed.  Furniture is tipped over, beer cans and liquor bottles are everywhere, a dank smell is in the air, and yesterday’s Wall Street Journal is neatly folded on the kitchen table, unread.

You know, the usual.

“Ah fuck, I’m the first one here.  I thought I slept in at least long enough for Yeah Right to have been fucking around in the kitchen.  I’ll just start tidying up.”

Horatio grabs a vacuum and starts running it over broken glass.  Your first prop bet is how long before the vacuum explodes, which is a trick question because Zymm modified it.  He pauses and picks up a stained, torn piece of paper.  “Oh, Scotchy’s notes.  God I hope that’s deer blood.  Better post it before everyone gets here.”

SCHEDULE

ESPN  10:00-2:00  Post Season NFL Countdown.  Sean McVay Joins the panel to preview the Super Bowl, and you’re out of your fucking mind if you watch this.

2:00-4:00  The USA Women’s basketball team slaughters Louisville

4:00-5:30  Women’s College Gymnastics, Auburn vs. Georgia.

Everything After 5:30-  Some stuff about Wilder-Fury 2 wrapped around a tribute to Kobe.  No one will watch

ABC

2:00-4:30 NBA Basketball, Pelicans at Rockets.  Will Zion’s knee explode?  Will an advanced civilization of tiny elves leap out of James Harden’s beard and save humankind?  Tune in and find out!

CBS

12:00-1:00   PBR Bull Riding.  Fuck and yes.

1:00-3:00 College Basketball  Georgetown at St. John’s, in a game that would have meant something 30 years ago.

3:00-6:00  That drunkass golf tournament in Phoenix

FOX

12:00-6:30  Various pregame shows, at least some of which will involve Skip Bayless.  Go outside.  It looks like a nice day.

6:30-10:00 A football game takes place during breaks between high-priced commercials.  The only real question is whether Otto will find his way to the Clubhouse.  He won’t.

NBC

12:30-3:00  NHL Hockey  Pittsburgh Penguins at Washington Capitals.

3:00-4:00 FIS Snowboarding World Cup.  Settle in with a cup of cocoa and bitch to yourselves about why these millennials can’t find pants that fit.

4:00-6:00  NBC grasps for the female and your unmarried-uncle-who-cuts-hair demographic with a figure skating exhibition of some sort.

Animal Planet

3:00-6:00ish-Puppy Bowl  Come on.  You know you want to.