Stay strong, friends. The yawning chasm of the Off-Season is upon us, but we’re going to make it through this. Together.
We have real Oscar coverage coming, but I figured I would kick things off with my traditional I Ain’t Seen Shit preview. Like most of you, I have not seen most of the nominated movies. However (like any good American) that does not stop me from having Strong and Deeply Held Opinions on the subject. As a service, I will now share them with you so you can sound Intelligent and Worldly at your significant other’s BFF’s Oscar Party.
Ford v Ferrari: Vrroom! I actually saw this one. Essentially it is the semi-true story of two arrogant industrialists trying to prove which of their micropenises was bigger, and the wonderful automobiles that came out of it. Don’t be fooled by Jon Bernthal’s performance – Lee Iacocca was a weaselly cunt who fought environmental and safety regulations with every fiber of his being instead of adapting and succeeding. It’s a pretty decent waste of 2 hours. No chance it wins.
The Irishman: a shockingly frank biopic on the amazing life and tragic death of Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Nice to see Martin Scorcese branching out from his usual glorifying-violent-white-gangsters.
Jojo Rabbit: saw it. Had some really good moments, but it’s deeply flawed and often hits the wrong tonal notes. And that’s not something you can afford when your walking the Nazi-comedy tightrope. There’s a reason Springtime for Hitler was a joke idea for a musical.
Joker: like the new Top Gun, Joker finds itself revisiting an 80s war movie icon, in this case Full Metal Jacket’s James “Joker” Davis. Now a newspaper editor in Bangor, Maine, Matthew Modine’s Joker finds out Gunnery Sergeant Hartman’s grandson is being held in Afghanistan. Recruiting his old buddy Animal Mother, Joker heads back into The Shit. One. Last. Time.
Marriage Story: no more spontaneous oral sex. End of story.
1917: continuing the prequel trend, this followup to Steven Spielberg’s “1941” casts Jim Belushi as a crazed, cigar-chomping balloon pilot on the Western Front. Shot to appear to be one continuous shot, for some reason.
Parasite: Stephen Miller’s self-directed autobiography
Once upon a Time…in Hollywood: Feet and the n-word.
Little Women: Dwarf porn.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
DOOOON’T CAAARE. I suggest you watch The Replacements, both the finest football movie and best Keanu Reeves joint ever made. Closer to real football than the XFL anyway…
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