Your “‘Who Went Where?’ Ice Football Division” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

NFL Nuggets:

  • Drew Brees’ 20th season will make him the 20th player in NFL history to have hit that mark.  
    • Of the other 19, five have been quarterbacks:
      • Tom Brady
      • Brett Favre
      • Earl Morrall
      • Vinny Testaverde
      • George Blanda
  • The Bucs announced today they will be debuting new uniforms in April.
    • Anything without creamsicle is a waste of time.
  • The Franchise Tag designation window has been pushed from February 25th to the 27th.
    • Meaning the closure of the period will be March 12th, not March 10th.
    • One team looking to avoid it – the Cowboys, with Dak Prescott.
      • To tag Dak for 2020, the price is over $33 million.
      • Because they also have to sign Amari Cooper & Robert Quinn to long-term deals.
  • In ridiculous Combine news:
    • In news that should only matter to their girlfriends,  
      • Tua Tagovailoa has two different sized hands. One is 10-inches; the other is 9 7/8 inches.
      • Joe Burrow has 9-inch hands.

Finally, Vontaze Burfict has been reinstated after serving his 12-game suspension.

  • It was his fourth suspension.
    • In total, he has missed 1.5 seasons due to suspension.
  • He also becomes a free agent in March.
    • In advance of this, he has been working out at ASU under the tutelage of Defensive Coordinator Marvin Lewis, his former Bengals head coach.

NHL Trading Deadline: among the flurry of deals

Here’s who got moved up Pierre McGuire’s fantasy board:

  • Ilya Kovalchuk – from the Habs to the Capitals, for a 2020 3rd-round pick.
  • Mike Green – from the Wings to the Oilers, for Kyle Brodziak & a conditional 4th-round pick.
  • Vladislav Namestnikov, from the Sens to the Avalanche for a 2021 4th-round pick.
  • Jean-Gabriel Pageau, from the Seas to the Islanders, for a 2020 Conditional 1st-Round Pick, a 2020 2nd-Round Pick, and a 2022 Conditional 3rd-Round Pick if the Isles win the 2020 Stanley Cup.
  • Vincent Trocheck, from the Panthers to the Hurricanes, for Delta House members Erik Haula, Lucas Wallmark, Eetu Luostarinen and Chase Priskie.
  • Patrick Marleau, from the Sharks to the Penguins, for a Conditional 3rd-round pick (which becomes a 2nd if the Pens win the Cup)
    • His wife has been torching him on Twitter all afternoon.

  • Wayne Simmonds, from the Devils to the Sabres, for a Conditional 2021 5th-Round Pick (that becomes a 4th if Simmonds plays 10 games & the Sabres make the playoffs).
  • Nick Ritchie, from the Ducks to the Bruins for Danton Heinen.
  • Andreas Athanasiou & Ryan Kuffner, from the Red Wings to the Oilers, for oft-traded Sam Gagner and 2nd-round picks in 2020 & 2021.
  • Tyler Ennis, from the Senators to the Oilers for a 2021 5th-Round Pick.
  • Sami Vatanen, from the Devils to the Hurricanes, for Janne Kuokkanen and a 2nd-round pick.
  • Robin Lehner, from the Blackhawks to Vegas, for Malcom Subban, Slava Demin, and a 2020 2nd-Round Pick.
  • Erik Gustafsson, from the Blackhawks to the Flames for a 2020 3rd-Round Pick.
  • Brady Skjei, from the Rangers to the Hurricanes for a 1st-round pick.
    • Skjei is most famous for being the unpronounceable name from the Chance The Rapper SNL sketch.

There were other moves, but mostly involving late-round guys for late-round picks.

It was pretty obvious who were buyers versus sellers today. Ottawa got gutted like Scotchy visiting Hobotown, and will likely just turn all those picks into future Vegas Golden Knights, or magic beans. Detroit & Chicago also acquired a slew of draft picks, so their rebuilds are most definitely underway. But at least they have pieces they can build around, unlike Montreal, who were just shedding salary with no observable strategy behind their moves. The Leafs still suck.

If I were a betting man, I’d put down money on St. Louis, Edmonton, Washington & Tampa being the final four in the NHL come late-May. If the structure weren’t so asinine, Colorado would be a fourth instead of Edmonton, but the format is skewed to guarantee one team from each division, so there we are.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL: only one game; no national broadcast
  • NBA:
    • Hawks at 76ers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • Timberwolves at Mavericks – 8:30PM | TSN
    • grizzlies at Clippers – 10:30PM | Sportsnet
  • NCAA:
    • Men’s:
      • Louisville at Florida State – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN4
      • West By God Virginia at Texas – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Oklahoma State at Kansas – 9:00PM | ESPN
    • Women’s:
      • Baylor at West By God Virginia – 7:00PM | FS1
        • Literally, Your Momma Don’t Dance versus Your Daddy Don’t Rock & Roll
      • Duke at North Carolina State – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN3
        • Can the Lady Blue Devils gain revenge for the men’s defeat?
      • Oregon at Stanford – 9:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN3
  • Wrasslin’
    • WWE Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

A fairly full sports day. Hope you’ve got time to settle down with a quality beverage & spew your hatred at what your NHL team did or didn’t do today.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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SonOfSpam

Just learned my mom and step-dad are voting for Booty-judge, which is…fine, I guess?

I think he comforts old people with his sensible gayness as opposed to flamboyant gayness.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Senor Weaselo

Also, Buchnevich and Double Pits to Shesty got injured in a car crash when another car made an illegal U-turn in Brooklyn.

Ocean Ave near Avenue Z? Of course the Russian players are in Sheepshead Bay.

Horatio Cornblower

OK, here’s a good soulful cover. I was lucky enough to catch one of her shows at UConn a number of years back. Grace can sing, just a bit.

SonOfSpam

She is good. At singing and whatnot.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Now this one.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Currently is a piano version of “Where Is My Mind” that is actually not too bad.

WCS

Did we do something to piss you off? Why are you doing this?

SonOfSpam

Rikki’s emotional since finding out his dad’s not full-racist, so we all gotta pay.

Horatio Cornblower

Going to see these guys tomorrow in New Haven

Pre-gaming at Bar, which supposedly has some of the best pizza in New Haven, and therefore the world.
My depositions on Wednesday are going to suck.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The whole “stripped down soulful cover” thing has been so overdone it’s sickening. Basically every show’s soundtrack sounds like Grey’s Anatomy. Case in point, from the episode of Love Island we’re watching right now.

Horatio Cornblower

Good lord. That is terrible.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s a song like that on pretty much every TV drama these days.

Horatio Cornblower

Just watched ‘Better Call Saul’ and happy to report there isn’t on that one.

Yet.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Love Island you say? I had one of those once.
– Peter Nygard

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I use to see his private 727 jetliner parked at LAX with his name painted all over it, and I had to look up who the fuck he was. A 727 is so Donald Trump though; oil sheiks and offshore bankers have private 777s.

Horatio Cornblower

I read that Times story and, holy shit, that guy is just a fucking disaster.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

He is, and so is his neighbor. I’m pretty sure his neighbor paid to have that story published.

Horatio Cornblower

I wouldn’t doubt it. Neither of them is doing much to persuade me that billionaires shouldn’t be guillotined.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My dad sent me an email this morning to tell me that he is not voting for Trump. He’s planning to not vote at all. So I am CELEBRATING.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jokes aside, this really means a lot to me. Losing faith in your own dad sucks ass, and I couldn’t be happier that he proved me wrong in terms of how I had started to think about him.

Horatio Cornblower

My Dad is fine, but I am absolutely disabling my mother’s car on election day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My elderly and quite racist grandfather voted Trump in ’16.
He won’t be this go ’round. He ded now.

And while I have my doubts, I’d like to think he didn’t make it to this one because of how he voted last time (and every time in his life, really).

Sorry, my ride to hell is here, I gotta go.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m voting for Trump just for fun. He’s a reality show host, it’s not like he’s gonna actually win.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m voting for Jill Stein, because I’m a fucking ourangatan.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Yeah, we’re working on my father-in-law. He’s a good man- hoping for a Return of the Jedi redemption thing

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is the article my dad sent me. There’s plenty in there I could dispute, but at the end of the day I’m not going to complain about where he ended up.

https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/483844-ill-sit-out-this-presidential-election-because-of-the-yahoos-running

Old School Zero

I’ll take any small victory that moves things towards the less shitty end of the spectrum.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s basically what I’ve been trying to tell my wife. This is a big deal to me, and suddenly the room is fucking dusty and goddamnit who the hell has been cutting onions?

Horatio Cornblower

Just had my appointment to go over what to expect when I have my colonoscopy, (apparently “being very hungry” and “shitting your goddamn brains out” top the agenda), and my wife is now having hot flashes, so if anyone ever wanted to burn down a house with everyone* inside it, please DM me for my address.

*Pets and kids not included.

Old School Zero

Set your beer fridge out at the curb and I’ll send NSZ over with some thermite.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

For the night before your colonoscopy, just move your TV into the bathroom and sit on that toilet all night long. There’s no good reason to get up. You can’t eat, you’re already sitting on a toilet, you can only drink water and there’s plenty of that there, what else do you need? Stock some books and magazines, maybe an iPad or a hand-held game . . . You’re going to be doing this all alone. If you ever have to sneeze, for God sakes make sure you are sitting on that toilet with your pants down.

The actual colonoscopy is pretty effortless.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Oh, and the directions usually recommend that you get some baby wipes. Greatest idea ever. I haven’t allowed mere toilet paper near my ass for five years, I don’t care how snuggly they claim it is. I feel elite, like this is what Queen Elizabeth uses if in fact she has actually ever wiped her own ass.

Horatio Cornblower

Baby wipes were mentioned.

Gonna see if I can get the Xbox in there as well.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Baby wipes and Propel water. Proper electrolytes make a YUUGE difference

Horatio Cornblower

They also made a big deal out of electrolytes but, fun fact, apparently you can’t drink anything red, (includes orange), or purple, because it fucks with the lining of the colon and they can’t get a good look from the 2′ long camera they’ve shoved up your ass.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Baby wipes? Don’t you guys own bidets?

Horatio Cornblower

That’s southwestern CT. I’m in the northeast. Just happy to be indoors.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I have a Japanese digital toilet with a bidet and a tanning light, but I only poop at work; that way I get paid for it. Portable packs of baby wipes are in every pocket of every garment I wear.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Redshirt

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-asserts-coronavirus-under-control-as-stocks-plunge/ar-BB10l4Wg

(turns on Fox News)
Newscaster: “Stock markets dropped over a thousand points amid coronavirus scares.”
Donald Trump: “The chornovirus is under control. Stock market looks good to me”

(turns on MSNBC)
Bernie Sanders: “Fidel Castro’s literacy issue is why Cubans didn’t want to overthrow him.”

(sets Quantum Leap Accelerator to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – July 2, 1775)
Time to put right what once went wrong.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Redshirt’s 1st Leap, Artists Concept:
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Redshirt

Hey, I leapt into your mom!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Paid for college, at least.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, Ziggy. Will you ever win?

Horatio Cornblower

Like he hasn’t heard that before.

herodotus450
herodotus450

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Brocky

Also, I’ve been told chicken is good for the symptoms

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SonOfSpam

Goddammit. I’m currently explaining what’s funny to wife and daughter.

Brocky

So I have the flu for the first time in what feels like a decade, and Corona virus jokes aside, a few other things:

1. Got sent home from work. Didn’t know my symptoms were that noticable, weird cuz I was nyquilled up to the gills.

2. I have the “chills” for the first time in my life. My wearing three layers indoors. The thermostat is turned up, and I’m still shivering

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Redshirt

I’ve got on that ride last week. Thankfully, Dayquil and Nyquil got me through the fun part of it.

I’m now in what I like to call the Phlegm Turret’s Syndrome Stage. Most of the time I’m fine and symptom free, but at random points I get a stifling cough and then I have to run to a trash can or toilet to spit out a wad of phlegm that worked its way up from my lungs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I usually find a sink or a toilet to spit it into so I can see how massive it is.

King Hippo

I have now fallen asleep mid-day for 4 days running. Hopefully, I’m dying in a way that won’t entail my lungs liquefacting out of my asshole.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There are few things about being sick I dislike more than having the chills.

Horatio Cornblower

I find that complaining endlessly about it does wonders for me, and really clears out a room.

herodotus450
herodotus450

A little busy today, so I had to outsource some of my jokes to China; let’s see what we’ve got…
[opens envelope]
“These Pittsborgn Panguins I call them William Shakespeare because they just stole Christopher Marlowe!”
Ah those idiots! I ordered a joke about Joseph Conrad’s Charles Marlow, not Christopher!

LemonJello
LemonJello

I hope you disinfected the envelope…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, Christopher Marlow is a character in the vampire romance novel I’m reading!

Gumbygirl
Gumbygirl

Shadow of Night? I loved that!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I ate way too much for dinner tonight, then more or less guzzled a Monster Energy. I feel and look pregnant and I can hear it all gurgling around in there. I know I’d feel better if I just went and ralphed it all up but I’m determined to win this battle.

ballsofsteelandfury

Which type of Monster?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Dirtbike Riding or Drywall Punching?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Blue Ultra

ballsofsteelandfury

Good choice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I suppose I should do a Losers Investment Club post, given how right now the floor of the NYSE looks like the scene of one of scotchnaut’s adventures gone wrong.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Wrong or wonderfully, wonderfully right?

litre_cola
Don T

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Brady, dildos and Tits- what could go wrong?

Game Time Decision

Stupid trade deadline. Wish the Habs had a plan.
Fuck the leafs

Sharkbait

At least Montreal has not lost to their own zamboni driver?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Are we sure Montreal hasn’t lost their zamboni?

ballsofsteelandfury

I see the Kings didn’t do shit.

Just like they haven’t the whole season.

SonOfSpam

They gave away a few guys for picks; too many bad contracts. But they’re in full-on dump mode at least.

Redshirt

Joe Burrow has baby hands. Please adjust your memes for the upcoming season accordingly.

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Why even bother going to the Combine if you’re Burrow? The worst that could happen is the Bengals still pick you and your career is ruined.

Redshirt

I’d show up and bomb every test. Show up so stoned that everyone you pass gets an instant contact buzz. Run a 5.9 40. Score a 2 on the Wonderlic. Miss every target throwing the ball. Turn every question into a sexual proposition. The whole nine yards.

scotchnaut

“I know you didn’t ask but yes, my mother is a prostitute.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wait, no, not my mother. YOUR mother. Fuck you, Mike Brown, I hope you get cancer.”

Redshirt

“Mr. Redshirt, this is your final warning. If you keep that up, we’ll take away DFO’s credentials.”

scotchnaut

I’m actually surprised that the Sens got as much as they did for Pageau given that he must have been shopped to every team everywhere including the KHL and the WNBA.

/fuckers better draft well

Sharkbait

The NHL playoff format is dumb.

herodotus450
herodotus450

[turns hearing aid to “off”]
Oh, please, tell me more.

Redshirt

Garrett Morris, President of the New York City School for the Hard of Hearing, has joined the chat

ballsofsteelandfury

Gary Bettman is an international disgrace.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As opposed to Gary Beetman, who makes the best borscht this side of St. Petersburg.