All Belarus, All The Time Lesser Footy Open Thread

King Hippo

Dudes, it’s all Belarus’ world now, we just livin’ in it.

All of the various second and third world-ish football associations might be late to the cancellation party – but even Brasil state torneos and Ukraine have gone dark now.  The only thing remotely approaching first division footy?  The Belarus Premier League!

We’ve got two matches on tap today, two more tomorrow.  It’s the first week of League action, so pretty hard to know what will happen.  BET ON CHAOS!

FK Vitebsk hosts FK Gorodeya to start us off (7:00a EST).  As of this writing, you can bet the home side at +107, visitors at +284, or Draw at +214.  That’s not great odds for a visiting foe, given that I don’t have much in the way of GAMBLOR talisman status with either.  I suppose I would lean Draw here, though watching the flow on LiveBet seems the more prudent course.  But am I waking up at 7 for this?  PROBABLY.

It’s much the same story with Neman Grdono away to Isloch (9:00), though Isloch has some faint talismanic value.  Looking at -103 home, +266 away, +253 Draw.  Surely, I will be awake at this point, and betting like it’s a compulsion or sommet.

Other than this?  Just waiting to die.  We almost surely won’t even have further Diamond Joe primary vote massacres in the coming weeks.  You can bet on who his VP nominee will be, though.  Kamala Harris is the current clubhouse leader, odds-wise.  I don’t think Liz Warren wants it, but at 12-to-1 betting odds, she is the value play.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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theeWeeBabySeamusMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryHoratio CornblowerSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

So, here’s the thing. The reason we’re undergoing all these measures is because of two things: 1) We are trying to protect those with compromised immune systems and 2) We’re trying to ensure the health care system is not overwhelmed.

The disease itself has a very low mortality rate. If healthy people get it, we will get thorough it and fight it off.

Let’s not panic and make things worse. Tom Hanks and Idris Elba are NOT going to die!

Well, not of COVID 19 anyway and not yet.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is hilarious.

Mike Bloomberg systematically breaks all his promises made to campaign staffers – many of whom left jobs in reliance on those promises – by laying them off in the middle of a pandemic to give the money to the DNC instead, which happily takes it:https://t.co/sOefarxhTh

— Glenn Greenwald (@ggreenwald) March 21, 2020

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

It’s like people expected a politician to actually keep a promise.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*wealthy asshole.

ballsofsteelandfury

I have also discovered Pluto TV. They have a 007 channel.

ballsofsteelandfury

BREAKING NEWS: Taco Bell has an item called a Tripleupa. I repeat, a TRIPLEUPA!

I have eaten it and it is good.

You may resume your regularly scheduled social distancing.

Gratliff

Coronavirus is the least of your concerns when eating taco bell. Seems like a smart play.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Instead of getting Mexican Beer Flu you end up with Mexican Butt Flu.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m Mexican. I have immunity.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Not in ‘Merica, dagummit!”

Horatio Cornblower

As a Mexican I would expect you to consider Taco Bell a hate crime.

ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t consider it Mexican food. It’s Frankenstein Food.

litre_cola

Stoner Cola is intrigued. What is in said TripleLundy

ballsofsteelandfury

It is the stretch limo of chalupas. Three different sections with three different flavours all connected in one long bit of goodness.

All tasty.

Senor Weaselo

The Reaper Ranch whatever is mediocre at best. Too much ranch, not enough reaper.

Gratliff

So there’s been 1 reported case in my county while Michigan’s overall count has tripled, with the vast majority coming in around the Detroit area where there’s just more people being actively tested. There’s zero percent chance this shit isn’t spreading like wildfire while nobody’s getting tested for it. Whitmer doesn’t want to do a statewide lockdown, but she’s going to run into a wall like California did at this rate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

She can slap me wherever and how ever she wants.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HEATHER GRAHAM: [slaps WCS with a restraining order]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I laughed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I heard she’s making these easier for those who think this is the Rapture by letting the churches stay open.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

We truly live in the dumbest country where leaders think “No testing = no problem”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

If I go out and get in my car and drive around the L.A. freeways alone and don’t stop and don’t talk to anybody, am I violating my 14-day self-isolation (which I am respecting because I flew on a packed 757 and there were Chinese people aboard so I almost certainly have some of those Cordoba death germs now) or am I violating the “stay home” directive issued in and for the County and City of Los Angeles, or am I violating neither because I’m still isolated and oh so all alone?

ballsofsteelandfury

As long as you don’t have human contact, you are good.

That applies in most circumstances, not just this crisis.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

What if I drive naked? I’ll keep clothes on the passenger seat in case of emergency but otherwise I won’t get out and I’ll just drive around. Would that then be a sin?

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s Saturday, so you’re safe. Try that on a Sunday though and you’ve got some ‘splaining to do to your Lord and Saviour.

Horatio Cornblower

It would be a crime not to use those highways, amirite? Hello? Hello, is this thing on?
/raps mic, which is indeed on, but it doesn’t matter because everyone is dead.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

And wash your ass!
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Dunstan
Dunstan

I can feel my pants stretching now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Seconded

Horatio Cornblower

Pants?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Watched the GWS game. So weird to have no crowd house and then artificial cheers after the goals.

ballsofsteelandfury

It was cool to hear them call for the ball and give themselves direction, though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Just made myself a Canadian Coffee: coffee with Maple Crown Royal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, sourry.

litre_cola

My boredom has lent itself to Cherry Sparkling wine, vodka, soda, apple juice, lime juice. Delicious

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just reading this made my mouth clench up like I had just bitten into an unripe lemon.

litre_cola

Oh she is a tart beast.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Kobe Bryant does not approve.

yeah right

There’s a whole lot of folks not taking this “stay at home” order very seriously. These people are basically thumbing their noses at it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

….and that would also be ignoring the suggestion to not touch your face.

ballsofsteelandfury

The day they tell us not to touch our penises is the day society ends.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and if you can touch your face with your penis….. well, damn it.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Well, in that case, you never left the house even before this coronavirus thing

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[dies from dehydration]

rockingdog
rockingdog

Afternoon funny:
sitting on my hand till it goes numb and then giving myself a handshake

Game Time Decision

“Handshake” sure sure
Wink wink
Nudge nudge

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DAMN! Beat me to it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[he said “beat.”]

yeah right

Not only do I have no place to go I’ve also been told to go no place.

Let’s make nachos instead.

Senor Weaselo

…Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

ballsofsteelandfury

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litre_cola

I received a pair of shoes in the mail from China. They are Lutai’s, I have never heard of them before. I do not remember ordering them. They fit perfectly. I have no record of payment on any of my credit cards. It is an Isolation mystery.

Thing is, I would never buy them but I wore them for a walk, and I love them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It turns out I have severe schizophrenia.”
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shipped from Wuhan….. next to the wet market.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Cover your cough
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Dunstan
Dunstan

It’s more the drool I’m concerned about. Sorry about that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I have to drop off my tax docs, because I still can. And since Capital One changed my checking account type I can no longer access my transactions from mid-November and earlier. In bird culture this is considered a dick move, or at the least a pain in the ass and I guess I have to go to the won’t be closed because it’s considered “essential” bank at some point.

Yes I know I have until July, but the appointment was already made.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Constance Wu lives down the street from me. I am going to go pitch her on the idea of a movie called “Crazy Sick Asians” which is basically the same as the original except modified for life under coronavirus. Like, they are wearing masks the whole time and they have to have their temperature taken before they go into any buildings and all the restaurants are closed and also they never go to Singapore in the first place because there are no flights.

Game Time Decision

Would still watch it

Horatio Cornblower

Scarlett Johnasson in Match Point. Not unattractive.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

If I were drunk enough, I might try to pull a Joe Namath on KSK stealing a kiss on her.
AND SHE’D LOVE IT!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You know she would. The beatdown I got from security proves this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think that was peak hotness, for her.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Watched part of The Island and she is really ugly in that…….

[even my keyboard wasn’t fooled]

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is there poker tonight?

theeWeeBabySeamus

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She pertty, btw. Well done my Hippo bruthah.

Sharkbait

Made $15 in simulated basketball last night. I’ll take it!

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I know I’m old but…
WTF IS SIMULATED BASKETBALL????

Sharkbait

One of the DFS apps I use has been simulating games. The one I won the $15 on was the 2015 Warriors vs. the 1986 Lakers

theeWeeBabySeamus

Who won?

Sharkbait

Lakers 133 GS 123

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!!! Take THAT Steph Curry!!!! That’s what you get for going to Davidson.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And I’m not joking. If they’re not playing and there are no real stats? Aren’t you just relying on a CPU some jerkweed programmed to tell you if you won or lost?

Sharkbait

Exactly. The entries are free for this at least

theeWeeBabySeamus

How long would it have taken Dayton and Gonzaga to go down in flames?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Not the first time Dayton* was done in by the National Guard**
*: Dayton and Akron are the same thing ppl forget that
**: National Guard, National State of Emergency, same thing

theeWeeBabySeamus

NC State is about to win their 1st round game vs Kansas.
Seriously, in my mind. It could have happened.

Horatio Cornblower

Given Kansas’s history in the tournament I wouldn’t bet against that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In truth, they have always had our number. One of the worst days of my life was in Greensboro when they kicked the living shit out of us.

Fuck you Danny Manning.

ballsofsteelandfury

@Brick

I know you posted it last night, but I want to reiterate that right now is the PERFECT time for you to do a daytime version of your freeways in LA video!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed. I love that video. But I think Brick might be a vampire sooooo….wellll….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t even explain how nice it was to sit down last night and watch some good old sports (Essendon-Freemantle).

I was trying to think of a social-distancing-compliant version of soccer for my nephew and his friends to play. Soccer golf is the best I’ve got so far. But I need to think of a way to spice it up a little bit.

Horatio Cornblower

Frisbee golf.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I do not recommend watching rugby with your half asleep and elderly mother who has never watched rugby before.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, ummmm…. how’s Italy doing?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No numbers yet for today.

scotchnaut

“To be honest? Not good, not good at all.”

-Germany, 1939-1945

Senor Weaselo

I’m eating the leftover St. Joseph’s mafaldine from the bag, so can’t be that bad, right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

h

ttps://66.media.tumblr.com/b065bd6a1584fb7f5698cbda00a9e5b8/tumblr_npzy7d1Uqq1sa11jco1_540.gif

Something to do for ten minutes.

Horatio Cornblower

Liz Warren would be as wasted in the VP position as I am in a Thursday night DFO poker room.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, if she was as active as Dick Cheney, who functioned as president, it would be a good thing. She would be a tad better than Pence The Science Denier at managing the COVID19 fiasco. But in general yes, a strong cabinet position suited to her strongest knowledge base (another novel concept) would be better spent talent.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a fair point. Warren would make an excellent Cheney doppleganger, working behind the scenes for good rather than evil.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

…..and far less likely to shot someone in the face.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yep. Can’t pay her back if she shoots you in the face.” kneecap shooting victim who was a former customer of Warren’s from her loan-sharking days

litre_cola

The is Nicaraguan footy today. Is there zn O/U on fatalities in the stands?

Horatio Cornblower

The O/U on ‘bags of urine thrown’ is set a 372.

Started watching ‘Sunderland Til I Die’ last night. It’s fantastic.

Their goalkeepers kinda suck.

litre_cola

It is such a roller coaster. Fans had such hope when Coleman became manager, then results just fucked em harder.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s hard to tell who the villain is; they keep alluding to the owner not spending money to get the necessary players, but then show that he’d spent hundreds of millions with shit results in the years before.

I’m about 5 episodes in and my guess is it’s as simple as a team in a sliding industrial area stuck in a downward spiral. Bad results=less money=lesserplayers/managers=worse results=even less money=even worse player/manager options.

Rinse and repeat until you’re fighting to stay in the top 10 in the 3rd division.

All that said I’m probably going to start following Sunderland. Reminds me of my hometown of Waterbury, CT, which is also a post-industrial shithole, but without a gorgeous soccer stadium.

Game Time Decision

Umm, *you’re* the villain

Horatio Cornblower

Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with soccer.

litre_cola

Like winnipeg when the jets left.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Found a funny:
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Senor Weaselo

Guess who obviously didn’t fall asleep before writing out the Ice Milk Eight post and doesn’t have to push it a day now… definitely not this guy.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Kenny Rogers has decided to fold’em.

In accordance with his last wishes, he will be cremated at the flagship Kenny Rogers’ Roasters restaurant in Kuala Lumpur

theeWeeBabySeamus

There are reportedly plans for his ashes to be rubbed over Dolly Parton’s boobs. That’s gonna take a lot of ashes.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a law firm in Manchester, CT that is in an old Kenny Rogers’s Roasters restaurant and I never fail to crack up when I walk in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It occurred to me the other day that 99% of my life has remained unchanged, and that’s a good thing.

Life is weird.

scotchnaut

Thank the Lord Groovy Jesus for those saucy Aussies. I will watch the bargery out of this flizzbang game!

BC Dick

Holy lord Bulgarian soccer. Or similar.
The VP pick will be terrible. Everyone knows it. The political version of poochie. Who’s the oldest guy in Congress? Just to be weird. Or a young guy who looks like mayor Pete without the husband but believes in a flat earth. They’ll jam it up so good it won’t even know what jammed it up so good.
Just put Michelle on the ticket. Who cares if she’s been neglecting her poli sci textbooks. She’ll get the vote out. It’s not like the other guy is a policy wonk.
Just win, baby. It worked for the raiders until they started testing.