I have three sons who are locked down and they have exhausted every single option. You can only play so much full contact backyard basketball.
My wife is at her wits end, I am running low on bourbon, so I’m deep into a bowl of downers from my college days.
In order to make sure I don’t recreate The Shining at the Fozz Bunker, I’m coming up with games for the little cretins to play.
A couple that have been popular:
1. Why is Mom Crying?
2. Can You Climb onto the Roof?
3. Cut Down this Tree with a Spoon.
4. Sleep in a Hole You Dug.
5. Recreate the Battle of Gettysburg!
6. Let’s Play Gladiator with Garden Tools.
7. Give Dad a Jailhouse Tattoo
8. Stalk, Murder, and Skin a YouTube “Star”
9. Taste Every Spice in the Pantry!
10. Find Out who Killed Kennedy.
Think of this list as a starting point, there are plenty of games that you can create for the kids.
Remember, the cops are busy so if one of the little nuggets goes missing, it’s going to be awhile before they show up – work up a great alibi so you’re not getting pounded in the butt when you go up the river.
If you haven’t taught your kids how to play “Mix Daddy a Martini,” then I don’t know why you bothered to have kids in the first place.
I think backyard Gettysburg with three boys would be fun:
“I’m George Meade!”
“I’m Henry Slocum!”
“I’m Winfield Scott Hancock!”
And you say, “No, boys, you are the Confederates. You are A.P. Hill, you are James Longstreet, you are Richard Ewell, and the dog is J.E.B. Stuart. I shall be George Meade and the entire Army of the Potomac. Let us commence the battle.”
And then you spend three days beating the shit out of them.
Full contact backyard basketball? Gimme Pablo.
Swipe right or left with actual toilet paper. What the hell; we have so much now that we hoarded it….. since it’s warm here we can hose them down in the yard after the game.
Home paper sculptures.
Acting out books around the house.
Make signs for dad?
When mom goes to the store; lingerie contest!
*Depending on age may result in Non-Hippo approved fetish.
You mean in a who wears it better type contest or who has more in their fapping stash?
I think each family has to make that decision based on taste.
Well, and region; Kentucky and such will be different.
Using the racist derogatory terms from the 70’s play “Spot the ethnicity” while channel surfing. Extra points if you spot the Jews and the more terms you use for each race. A favorite here in the south.
Damn if I didn’t laugh at this. Enjoy your +1 and the express elevator to hell is on your right.
This was my Dad’s favorite travel game. That and who can fart the loudest, the longest, or the stinkyest. Great fun in winter in the car.
“Guess the expiration date (by taste only)”
-Plus, you can clean out the fridge
Just to annoy you guys.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tsn7pW8TcI4
Here’s a classic: “Smell my fingers!”
Three minutes after spending some “quality time” with mom.
Kids games? Got kinda incesty in here.
“That would make it a little too spicy, I think.” -J. Sandusky
This is a West Virginia game.
I like how you thought this wouldn’t get weird.
My reply to you is “awaiting moderation” – always fun to see where that line is!
You’re good. I just didn’t see it sitting in the hopper until just now.
Putting little Timmy in the hopper.
my kids found a list of random questions that they asked us and then we had to pick the kid that we each thought would do or be it. Great for self confidence and picking favoUrites.
How long can you masturbate in the front yard before the cops arrive?
if teens, how many times can you finish?
Great, now the grass is dead.
So? I mean it is getting seeded.
Well, it’s also spotty. Crab grass is unaffected.
Daytime or Nighttime?
During a rain storm is extra points?
While maintaining eye contact with the old lady across the street.
[close to finish]
Which parent will get cited by Family Services?*
*Explain your answer with angry accusations.
Always practice safe sex kids (NSFW)
https://twitter.com/rockanrollphoto/status/1247622054616195072
I don’t think he’s wearing that mask right, though.
It slipped down a little. He shouldn’t look down so much.
You forgot an important comma between “sex” and “kids.”
“Wait, what?”
Jerry S., State Penn.
Let’s all make anatomically correct sock puppets.
How do I make a fake penis on a sock puppet?
LITTLE HELP OVER HERE????
Another sock.
[kid grabs pair of pantyhose]
Throw Bricks At Robin Vos
You think it’s bad now, I just saw the following in a DoD memo regarding the setting up of collaborative sites for us working at home:
1. In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, the DoD is providing a temporary collaboration capability for teleworkers via the Commercial Virtual Remote (CVR) environment. This service will only be accessible for the length of the COVID-19 crisis (6 months).
Emphasis mine.
Optimistic.
Let’s see what Mike Gundy thinks of the situation
Mike Gundy’s an entire bag of dicks.
But I thought they were students first, and athletes…HA HA HA… WOO, sorry, thought I could make it through the entire sentence!
Make some new ones.
creative ways to feed the kitty
How many Legos can you fit in your butt?
Separately or connected?
Who can make the sharpest shiv?
How much ammonia and bleach can you mix in the bathtub with the door closed?
Fun fact: When I moved out of my first apartment (maybe 500 sq feet?), I cleaned it with a mixture of ammonia and bleach because I didn’t know what I was doing, and those were the only two things I had left and I didn’t see a need to take them with me. I was in there for probably an hour doing the final cleanup with that in the bath tub, and commented when I got done that I felt a little weaker than usual and probably just needed something to eat. When I explained to my soon-to-be-wife what I used to clean, she looked at me in amazement and wondered aloud why I was still alive.
Similar experience cleaning up at my mom’s store at the mall back when I was a kid, mixed the two. Had to be taken to the emergency room.
So a tiny amount of bleach is the carpet shampoo machine is quick effective…… more than a tiny amount makes some interesting patterns.
Kinda like writing your name in the snow when you pee?
About as random if you are drunk when peeing.
How long can I hold the kid underwater before he’s dead?
Bet on what time each meal gets pooped?
We’ll need some tracer tape.
Corn kernels and food colouring
I prefer tracer tape with the kids. Large colored rubber bands work too.
[snap!]
“OOW!”
Beets and peanuts