Quarantine Games for Kids

I have three sons who are locked down and they have exhausted every single option. You can only play so much full contact backyard basketball.

My wife is at her wits end, I am running low on bourbon, so I’m deep into a bowl of downers from my college days.

In order to make sure I don’t recreate The Shining at the Fozz Bunker, I’m coming up with games for the little cretins to play.

A couple that have been popular:

1. Why is Mom Crying?
2. Can You Climb onto the Roof?
3. Cut Down this Tree with a Spoon.
4. Sleep in a Hole You Dug.
5. Recreate the Battle of Gettysburg!
6. Let’s Play Gladiator with Garden Tools.
7. Give Dad a Jailhouse Tattoo
8. Stalk, Murder, and Skin a YouTube “Star”
9. Taste Every Spice in the Pantry!
10. Find Out who Killed Kennedy.

Think of this list as a starting point, there are plenty of games that you can create for the kids.

Remember, the cops are busy so if one of the little nuggets goes missing, it’s going to be awhile before they show up – work up a great alibi so you’re not getting pounded in the butt when you go up the river.

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Moose -The End Is Well NighDunstanBrick MeathookSenor WeaseloArmedandHammered Recent comment authors
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Dunstan
Dunstan

If you haven’t taught your kids how to play “Mix Daddy a Martini,” then I don’t know why you bothered to have kids in the first place.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I think backyard Gettysburg with three boys would be fun:

“I’m George Meade!”
“I’m Henry Slocum!”
“I’m Winfield Scott Hancock!”

And you say, “No, boys, you are the Confederates. You are A.P. Hill, you are James Longstreet, you are Richard Ewell, and the dog is J.E.B. Stuart. I shall be George Meade and the entire Army of the Potomac. Let us commence the battle.”

And then you spend three days beating the shit out of them.

Senor Weaselo

Full contact backyard basketball? Gimme Pablo.comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Swipe right or left with actual toilet paper. What the hell; we have so much now that we hoarded it….. since it’s warm here we can hose them down in the yard after the game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Home paper sculptures.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Acting out books around the house.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Make signs for dad?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When mom goes to the store; lingerie contest!

*Depending on age may result in Non-Hippo approved fetish.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

You mean in a who wears it better type contest or who has more in their fapping stash?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think each family has to make that decision based on taste.

Well, and region; Kentucky and such will be different.

Gratliff

Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones https://t.co/9oy10KTQo1 pic.twitter.com/Ke76tDjlXo

— The Onion (@TheOnion) April 7, 2020

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Using the racist derogatory terms from the 70’s play “Spot the ethnicity” while channel surfing. Extra points if you spot the Jews and the more terms you use for each race. A favorite here in the south.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Damn if I didn’t laugh at this. Enjoy your +1 and the express elevator to hell is on your right.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

This was my Dad’s favorite travel game. That and who can fart the loudest, the longest, or the stinkyest. Great fun in winter in the car.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Guess the expiration date (by taste only)”
-Plus, you can clean out the fridge

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just to annoy you guys.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Here’s a classic: “Smell my fingers!”

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WCS

Three minutes after spending some “quality time” with mom.

SonOfSpam

Kids games? Got kinda incesty in here.

Senor Weaselo

“That would make it a little too spicy, I think.” -J. Sandusky

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is a West Virginia game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like how you thought this wouldn’t get weird.

SonOfSpam

My reply to you is “awaiting moderation” – always fun to see where that line is!

theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re good. I just didn’t see it sitting in the hopper until just now.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Putting little Timmy in the hopper.

Game Time Decision

my kids found a list of random questions that they asked us and then we had to pick the kid that we each thought would do or be it. Great for self confidence and picking favoUrites.

WCS

How long can you masturbate in the front yard before the cops arrive?

Game Time Decision

if teens, how many times can you finish?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Great, now the grass is dead.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So? I mean it is getting seeded.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, it’s also spotty. Crab grass is unaffected.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Daytime or Nighttime?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

During a rain storm is extra points?

SonOfSpam

While maintaining eye contact with the old lady across the street.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[close to finish]

Don T

Which parent will get cited by Family Services?*

*Explain your answer with angry accusations.

Gratliff
LemonJello
LemonJello

I don’t think he’s wearing that mask right, though.

Gratliff

It slipped down a little. He shouldn’t look down so much.

Dunstan
Dunstan

You forgot an important comma between “sex” and “kids.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Wait, what?”

Jerry S., State Penn.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s all make anatomically correct sock puppets.

theeWeeBabySeamus

How do I make a fake penis on a sock puppet?
LITTLE HELP OVER HERE????

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Another sock.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[kid grabs pair of pantyhose]

Gratliff

Throw Bricks At Robin Vos
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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

You think it’s bad now, I just saw the following in a DoD memo regarding the setting up of collaborative sites for us working at home:
1. In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, the DoD is providing a temporary collaboration capability for teleworkers via the Commercial Virtual Remote (CVR) environment. This service will only be accessible for the length of the COVID-19 crisis (6 months).
Emphasis mine.

SonOfSpam

Optimistic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Let’s see what Mike Gundy thinks of the situation
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SonOfSpam

Mike Gundy’s an entire bag of dicks.

Dunstan
Dunstan

But I thought they were students first, and athletes…HA HA HA… WOO, sorry, thought I could make it through the entire sentence!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Make some new ones.

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SonOfSpam

creative ways to feed the kitty

SonOfSpam

How many Legos can you fit in your butt?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Separately or connected?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Who can make the sharpest shiv?

WCS

How much ammonia and bleach can you mix in the bathtub with the door closed?

Gratliff

Fun fact: When I moved out of my first apartment (maybe 500 sq feet?), I cleaned it with a mixture of ammonia and bleach because I didn’t know what I was doing, and those were the only two things I had left and I didn’t see a need to take them with me. I was in there for probably an hour doing the final cleanup with that in the bath tub, and commented when I got done that I felt a little weaker than usual and probably just needed something to eat. When I explained to my soon-to-be-wife what I used to clean, she looked at me in amazement and wondered aloud why I was still alive.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Similar experience cleaning up at my mom’s store at the mall back when I was a kid, mixed the two. Had to be taken to the emergency room.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So a tiny amount of bleach is the carpet shampoo machine is quick effective…… more than a tiny amount makes some interesting patterns.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Kinda like writing your name in the snow when you pee?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

About as random if you are drunk when peeing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

How long can I hold the kid underwater before he’s dead?

BC Dick

Bet on what time each meal gets pooped?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We’ll need some tracer tape.

BC Dick

Corn kernels and food colouring

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I prefer tracer tape with the kids. Large colored rubber bands work too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[snap!]

“OOW!”