DATELINE: May 11, 2020

LOCATION: Somewhere in Southern California

I was out and about on Friday due to work. In California, construction is considered “essential”, so I was out there driving the half empty freeways going from site to site doing bid walks. One of the jobs was out by the beach, so I had a chance to see the ocean.

I haven’t seen the ocean in months.

As I was driving on PCH, I looked left and saw the ocean water a deep reddish-brown colour much like what’s on the picture above. Even though the beaches are closed, you could still see the occasional surfer, as depicted above, wading through the 2 foot surf.

It reminded me of days gone by where I would try to convince my gf to have sex during her period. Yes, it’s yucky and it’s not the best of circumstances, but it’s sex dammit and it’s better than nothing! I understand those surfers.

For those of you that don’t know, Red Tide is a “bloom of phytoplankton” that comes about when a certain type of phytoplankton begins reproducing rapidly. It’s in full force in Southern California right now.

Is it a reaction to the lack of people at the beach? As PK would say, maybe?

I do know that unattended grass is growing fast. I see parks and schoolyards that I drive by where the weeds and grasses are over two feet tall. Everyone jokes about nature taking over, but it’s no joke and it doesn’t take that long. It’s a good reminder that we are not ruining the planet and that the planet has been and will continue to be just fine without us.

Yeah Right wrote in one of his Sunday Gravy posts about his experiences as an “essential” worker. He’s been going into the office every day. I, on the other hand, have been doing a mix of working at home days and going to the office days.

On the days I go into the office in downtown LA, I’ve found that traffic is delightful. Visiting jobsites, I’ve found I can get anywhere within the LA Basin in less than 30 minutes. Even Malibu.

For those of you that live in LA, you know that’s unbelievable.

Alas, I know this will not last as restrictions are eased and more people clog up the freeways. As it is, I noticed an uptick in traffic on Friday already. I just consider myself lucky to have been able to experience LA without traffic in the daylight.

I also consider myself lucky to be working. I know a lot of people are struggling and have lost jobs. Every industry has pros and cons and this pandemic has only magnified them. It will be interesting to see if the “gig” economy continues the same after this or if there will be a shift towards more “stable” or “traditional” types of jobs.

Speaking purely out of my own self-interest, I wish more people would gravitate towards the trades. While it may not be glamourous or sexy, it’s good honest work and, more importantly, it’s essential. Not just in the COVID-19 sense that seems to only consider healthcare workers or first responders.

Nothing can get done without infrastructure and the American infrastructure is crumbling. We need people to fix it and to maintain it. Our skilled crafts workforce is aging and reaching retirement age. I don’t see too many kids lined up to replace them.

Won’t you please consider laying some pipe for your country?

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The Week in DFO

Enough soapbox, these are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

Let’s start things off with a reminder that Eggnog is Elf Cum:

and an idea to ward off the coronavirus:

Well, my erect penis has kept many women away. Not sure they were all evil.

Dunstan

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I’m completely fucked up at 1 EST. This wasn’t the plan.*
*there was no plan

scotchnaut

I love it when a non-plan comes together

Horatio

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Just took a huge shit and named it Donald. Not for our dear leader President Trump but because it sounded like a duck coming out

Buddy

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Who else took Monday off and then proceeded to slam a bunch of beers while his wife smoked a lot of pot while tending a large bonfire?
Because I totally didn’t do that. At all.

Horatio

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I just came to the realization that I enjoy this site a lot more now that there are no live sports available. Weird.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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In oversharing news, i was long overdue for a hair cut, but with everything being closed up here, and no end in sight, i wasn’t going to be able to see my guy for awhile. So i got Mrs GTD to do it. Happy to report that I do not just have a buzz cut and that we are still on speaking terms. lol

Game Time Decision

Mohawk? Or did you go with an ear-to-ear Mohawk?

LemonJello

reverse Mohawk, duh

Game Time Decision

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Shitty bands doing shitty songs?
/Pepperidge tWBS Farms remembers…

scotchnaut

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Which rules out the Cowboys, because Jerry Jones doesn’t pay for anything older than 34.
“That’s worth two 17 year olds”
— M. Sanchez, showing off his USC math skills

Unsurprised

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I don’t think my tongue’s that good, no matter what the lady says.

Senor Weaselo

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I call it “being the cool uncle,” the authorities call it “child endangerment.” Potato, potato. Either way, no one asks me to babysit any more, so huzzah!

Dunstan

Didja teach them that you gotta bend some of the tines back to *really* get the fork in there?

Game Time Decision

I see you’ve played Electric Toddler before!

Dunstan

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So you’re saying that when it came time for Favre to deliver speeches or appearances in exchange for taxpayer money, he came up short?

Dunstan

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One thing that working from home has changed: I now allow myself one hungover workday per week.
Tag, Wednesday — you’re it.

Dunstan

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Found a funny:
if smoking so bad why does it cure salmon

rockindog

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/ found a funny
Government: “Go back inside.”
Idiots: “No!!!”
Government: “Its for your safety.”
Idiots: “No!!!”
Government: “Release the Murder Hornets.”
Idiots: “N— wait, what?”

Redshirt

“They’re not really hornets, they’re WASPs! They won’t hurt fellow white people!”

Viva La Tabula Raza

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So Axl Rose said The Secretary of the Treasury was a piece of shit and the Secretary of the Treasury tried to clap back but instead of attaching the US flag to the response he attached the Liberian flag and
What?
No I’m not telling you about a stupid dream I had, this happened like 20 minutes ago.

SonOfSpam

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“Dr. Goodall has noted that some female chimps will kill, and sometimes even eat, the young of other female chimps in order to maintain their power and dominance in the social hierarchy of a group”
These chimps are known as “Karens.”

Dunstan

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I love that Maestro will someday write a post that will say:
Reason for Conflict: BeerGuyRob

Me

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I totally love quarantine life. I’m in Los Angeles, working remotely in Canada, actually working about 15 minutes a day, with direct-deposit, I’m hammered 24/7, my contract in Canada ends at the end of May at which time I plan on applying for both California unemployment and also Quebec super-unemployment benefits, and I have the greatest webcam ever that I built myself from two high quality cameras and two high quality lenses.
/farts
Yep. Couldn’t be better. I hope this never ends.

Brick

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“built not only on verbal cues, but on specific intonations, facial expression, eye contact and body language”
Conclusion: Ancient Gorilloid is a Romance Language.

Don T

Based on body hair, I’d wager it’s a derivative of Italian.

Me

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Paul Newman was my college girlfriend’s next-door-neighbor back home in Westport CT. I never met him there but I met him at the Long Beach Grand Prix, mentioned that fact, and he gave me a cold can of Budweiser out of a cooler. Then he drove away in his golf cart because his team was racing. True story. Brick Meathook has hobnobbed with the rich and famous. It ain’t that hard.

Brick

When Paul Newnan was filming Slapshot,, he was staying in my hometown. My mother in law was leaving the grocery store by way of an alley, and some idiot coming the wrong way slammed into her car. She’s bitching her head off, and the guy gets out to apologize. It was Paul Newman! My 13 year old sister in law was convinced her mom arranged it just to embarrass her. Newman paid for the damage, and was really nice about it. The scene where they go around the center of a town mooning the opponents fans is where Gumby and I grew up. We were in high school, and had a huge kegger the night they filmed that scene, because the cops were too busy to come bust it up. I have tons of friends who were extras in the movie.

Gumbygirl

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RIP Tiger Bait
(aka Roy)
(as in Siegfried and)
(Coronavirus did what the big cat could not)

SonOfSpam

As a person whose actual real last name is Siegfried, maybe now I won’t get so many fucking “and Roy?” comments when I have to give my name.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Good to know.
Are you gonna do solo shows at the Mirage now, and as a follow up, have you found new dick yet?

SonOfSpam

I’m too old for that shit anymore. Gotta take a Viagra just to beat off.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hear ya. Two Cialis before I even apply the peanut butter.

SonOfSpam

I need a new technique; the neighbors can smell the peanut butter a mile off now.

Moose

Even bizarre internet porn doesn’t get me off anymore. i’ve gone back to fantasizing about my grade school teachers.

Brick

Especially now that they’re all dead.

SonOfSpam

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This has touched a nerve-
If I see a cart in a parking space-on my way to the entrance *and* there is a cart parking hutch nearby-I’ll always grab it and take it to its rightful home. That way I’m able to erase some asshole’s impact on the world (in a very small way). It’s sorta perfect because you’re also doing a good for a future stranger that can never know what you did. I say this because I’ve done some good things in anticipation of being commended for it.

scotchnaut

/Scotchnaut gets to the Pearly Gates
St. Peter: “Hey, you’re the guy who cleaned up all those grocery carts! Good job!”
Scotchy: “Yes, I’m in!”
St. Peter: “But about those hobos…”
Scotchy: ‘Ah, shit”

Horatio

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My plans today should have involved watching my son march as he graduates from UConn, but thanks to Covid that’s not happening. Instead they’re doing something on YouTube where each school will be read off and then the names scroll by in alphabetical order. 

Horatio

HORATIO: [pauses video] That’s my son’s name, right there. Osric Cornblower.
RIKKI: Looks more like “Oscar Cobblepot”.
LITRE_COLA: No, it says “Oliver”. “Oliver Collington”.
JJ FOZZ: [punches HORATIO in the gut] That’s for taking credit for other people’s parenting!

RTD

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Here’s a fun and true story. Back in the very early 80’s Little Richard was a cab passenger of mine. Very cool guy, I had no idea who he was until he paid me. It was a long fare too. He was in my cab for probably half an hour.
As he paid I looked at him and said “Little Richard.”
He laughed and said “Now you notice?”

Yeah Right

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Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:

Fun fact: At the 1:15 mark, the 6’4″ man he meets in Brazil gives him a loaf of bread using an AFL handpass! I’ve never noticed this until today…

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality gifs to keep us entertained as we are quarantined in our homes. I leave you with a conversation I hope I never have with either of my two nieces:

So my wife and I are out and about today, going to the farmers markets and whatnot, (wearing masks and not robbing them, which is weird), and we run into a kid I coached in baseball. He says hi, we discuss him being in college and my wife decides he’s cute and just perfect for Daughter Cornblower. So she starts talking him up when we get home and I chime in, because I’m an asshole, that she should keep in mind that he’s from a broken home and therefore damaged goods and my daughter says: “I like them broken; saves me a lot of time” and I’m like

Please stay home and avoid other people. See you next week!