![](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Flag_of_Canada.png)
Oh you poor bastiches, did you wander into the wrong dark alley of the Internet on the wrong day. That’s right, the Good Reverend is back at the pulpit, here to save whatever shreds of a soul you may have. So sit back, relax, and get ready for 34 solid paragraphs of Why You Are A Terrible Person (and Not In The Fun Way).
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Yeah, that sounds like a lot of work for relatively little payoff, vis-à-vis the quality of soul involved. After all, WordPress Analytics suggests that you are either here because you were looking for it (and are therefore a Lost Cause) or you searched for “newmexicansfucking”.* Wait, were you looking for recent videos of our friends from the South being friendly, or is there a group of Internet pervs so jaded that only hot Albuquerquean-on-Albuquerquean action gets your motor running? Jesus, we live in an even stranger time than I thought.
*seriously. This was our second top search term from a day earlier this month.
Anyway, as you may be aware, it’s Canada Day! For the few of you who may not be familiar, Canada Day celebrates the anniversary of the effective date of the British North America Act of 1867, under which the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick were combined into a single Dominion!
Hurray declarative administrative actions of the British Parliament organizing a federal structure! No wonder you Northerners get so fucking frisky during this holiday…
As many of you are aware, I am Not Canadian. However, I was born across Lake Erie in the fine City of Buffalo, New York. As a result of many trips on the Maid of the Mist, gazing upon the poor souls of Canuckistan wishing they could cross the ironically-named Peace Bridge to the Land of Freedom, I feel I have a unique insight into the Canadian Character. Like a college sophomore who spent 5 days in Haiti over Spring Break, I Understand Your Struggle.
Ok, enough snark. I like Canada. Yes, I have had some harsh words for Canada in the past, mostly in the service of Amusing Hyperbole. Yes, I once suggested on this site that Laura Secord only got her Secret Information about the American attack because she was servicing Yankees three at a time while charging a fourth to watch.
I stand by that statement. We must be brave in the face of attempts to whitewash history.
But I do like Canada. Not because Everyone is So Polite. Not because It’s So Clean. Not because Universal Healthcare Etc. Etc.
But because it’s mostly a comfortable, beautiful place to be most places in the Southern habitable belt. The people are, on average, nicer than a random sampling of most populations I’ve met. They tend to be reservedly friendly. Most have a reasonable sense of fair play. They also have a vastly uncomfortable history of mistreating and exploiting indigenous groups that they prefer not to think about. They riot about sports championships just like us and understand that Fat is a Food Group.
So Happy Canada Day. May you survive the goddawful stupidity that we to your South inflict on you regularly.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Jack. Shit.
Everything except one game of the preliminary round of the National Womens Soccer League Challenge Cup has already been played today, and that’s not on TV. Seriously, TV Guide has NBA 2K Esports as the only live sports listed tonight, and that’s Not Sports.
Go watch a movie. Play cards with your kids. Learn how to crochet. Hey, you can make yourself a Canada Day Toque!
If you can handle the excitement.
Hey you kids, get off my lawn!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GwTShB6Gfs
This was excellent.
Top Hat is coming on TCM. I love me some Fred and Ginger.
I just spent 14 hours helping my sister-in-law move into a second story duplex.
![comment image](https://frinkiac.com/video/S07E17/TaIQVIo_lzzo_XNkFbnj_6SmGt0=.gif)
Every Manhattan resident in a 5 story walk up is cursing your name right now.
Fuck them, too. No way on Gaia’s green Earth they can afford that much furniture, books, furniture, boxes, furniture, and boxes to live in Manhattan.
That’s just some of the qualifications that enable you to be a murder victim on Law and Order.
This is the start to both a horror movie and a short film on Pornhub.
Evenin. Just back from a BBQ at BC Dicks. Great food, legal weed, local wine. All is good.
CANADA: Land of strange gas stations
Quelle coincidence! I am a couche-tard.
I should get up and move around to avoid the DVT. Nah.
People forget, but Esso is a truly terribly company and translates to Exxon, Marathon, Mobil, and Chevron in USA. Its origins are Standard Oil, part of the Rockefeller empire, which gave us anti trust laws.
What’s “Libre” about 127.9? Isn’t “Libre” equal to 0.0?
Is this where Douche-Tard came from?
Tim Horton’s, because of course.
Actually, the more I read about the original Standard Oil, the more I admire it. Sure, they fucked over their competitors, but these were were all greedy oil men just like themselves. Usually they were first offered a buyout and if they refused they were crushed. “The Standard” used amazing tactics of controlling the entire pipeline from buying crude (they avoided exploration) to offering safe, consistent, and inexpensive kerosene to the public, providing the first good home lighting most people ever had. The Standard took a chaotic industry of booms and busts and rationalized it. The consumer was the big winner with Standard.
Standard had already lost its monopoly by the time it was broken up in 1911. The separate companies were now more efficient and made John D. Rockefeller about ten times richer than he was before, three times richer than Bill Gates in today’s money.
American Hero of the working man
*Reading the latest climate reports*
Nah. Fuck him.
If you prefer coal, whale oil, and slavery, yeah fuck him.
I’d prefer to still have a livable ecosphere in the next 20-30 years, but that’s just me.
It’ll be livable…. just going into more weather extremes, vast extinctions, loss of the ability to feed the world’s populations, economic collapse, etc. It will be gradual enough that there will not be sufficient will to do anything. It’s fine.
Climate change is not Rockefeller’s fault, it’s your fault. Use it wiser, and make the Chinese go back to being agrarian peasants.
Also Memorial Day in Newfoundland. Lived there for six years and miss it almost every day. A good Harbaugh rivalry piece maybe would be a look at the Royal Newfoundland Regiment and Beaumont Hamel. Lest we forget.
Long may she reign!
Especially because her heir is a wanker.
When Elizabeth II dies it is going to be the biggest media event of all time, and will blow every Internet movement completely into the ether. No other issue will exist.
And no matter how old she is, some dipshits will claim that it was “really” an assassination.
They will be completely drowned out in the grandeur and pageantry.
Some are curious to exactly what the test is….
“Our ruin!”
We’re all going to die sooner than we should, if it’s up to the current administration to save us. And they really don’t seem to give a fuck, even about their own voters. I guess I’m pretty scared about this.
To be fair, most of their voters don’t seem to give a fuck about their own health or well-being, either.
Probably. Even if the Coronavirus gets under control (more or less) within the next 2 years or so, we have a rapidly escalating climate crisis that literally no administration is going to do much about.
It’s going to be interesting to see what kind of viruses are lurking under the Siberian methane.
Yep.
So…uh… If November is a shit show, can I crash on Canada’s couch for a while?
We have some rooms this side of the border for boarders.
We’ll caravan, and Ganesh help any bordeur patroul that tries to stop us.
“A while” = 4 years
https://politics.theonion.com/nation-rallies-around-ronald-mcdonald-statue-that-embod-1819580168
Rufus!
Happy god damn fucking Wednesday.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjF032TDDQ
In case you don’t swing that way (cover is better than the original):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prPjpwsGiws
To celebrate I have been overly polite, vague and noncommittal on several important issues. I also told some queen to fuck off.
You know who’s birthday is today, right?
Maybe.
“NO TIME TO EXPLAIN; GET ANOTHER DAMN CAR!!”
I should save that for a future HRTN ep.
I was thinking to save it for Friday….. BUT I WANTED YOU TO PONDER.
Also of note: Vanilla Ice is “performing” a concert in Texas on July 4th; he reasoned that “We didn’t have Coronavirus back in the 90’s” so…?
That’s some damn solid reasoning.
Go ninja
Go ninja
Go
Everyone will test positive for AIDS instead.
If there’s a problem, yo, he’ll solve it.
Happy Canadia Day to Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson and
Aw, crap.
Olivia de Haviland turnt 104 today, but you still had to have Neil Peart?
I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor.
Current conditions in the United States totally validate the premise of your last sentence there.
Edit: Also, she is the cousin of Geoffrey de Havilland, Jr., who died in a 1946 plane crash while he was attempting to break the speed of sound.
That goal was finally achieved a year later by an American pilot, Chuck Yeager. USA! USA! USA!
Some days I Occam’s Razor the shit and say maybe God’s just a construct to make women and poor people controllable, but then I start feeling all Catholic and guilty and horny for altar servers.
LOL
![comment image](https://media.giphy.com/media/giKc3RlT3E3U5Yb2Qe/giphy.gif)
Chelsea what the what?
Beat Man City then loose to West Ham… huh?
Huh, I never knew Dunstan was Canadian! That explains how I met a genuinely nice person in LA…
Yeah, he seemed…pleasant, which was weird and off-putting. Makes sense now.
We’re good at seeming that way.
WOO! CANADIAN METAL!!!
Seriously a fairly influential band that unfortunately got lost in the shuffle (but you guys all know the story, right?).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDC2e6i6Quw
The documentary is great.
It really is. I vaguely remembered them from the early ’80s, but had no idea what had happened to them, and had no idea that they were still plugging away 20 years later.
I thought they were from Western New York. *checks Wiki* Oh, they’re from Toronto. Guess I was almost right.
Shouldn’t get lost on your Shuffle; most iPods show things in alphabetical order.
Still, “Analville” takes alphabetical precedence over “Anvil.”
Surprisingly, “Analville” does not bring up the rear.
My Canada Day musical contribution. I did a bunch more the other day, can’t remember how Canadian music became the hot topic that particular day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXnTbmPxv5g
WTF is going on in that guys pants?
It’s the 80’s, so who the hell knows?
To all of you lovely Canadians: While we can never forgive you for the Abominable Bieber, we do thank you most sincerely for Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, and poutine.
Joni Mitchell, most famous for (leaving Canada and) going to California. Checkmate Canucks.
And William Shatner. And John Byrne (by way of the UK).
Also Aldo Nova, because why not?
Alex Trebek! And Michael J. Fox. Keanu Reeves. Many others… oh yeah, the most important contribution, CURLING!
And Phil Hartman. IMHO, the best performer of all
https://youtube.com/watch?v=V8YBuwmtzYE&list=PLHNIYyt6DhKOHh1idm0g9NkEu-6J2ww-8&index=2
The only thing I got in terms of MURRIKA WOO!!! ovUer Canadia…at least we’uns do nae genuflect before the British monarchy.
Seriously, I know y’all don’t like to kick up a fuss. But renounce the Crown already. It is BENEATH YOU, eh?
Hmm, let’s consider that. Who do you Americans have as your head of state?
Oh.
Um. Sorry to have brought that up.
But we’ll stick with HRH, thanks.
Yes, but that’s just a bad choUice. We used to have Obama, and Diamond Joe is next!
Otherwise, Canadia is just the best. I love it, and would live there if I coUld.
Electing the guy who eulogized Strom Thurmond probably isn’t that encouraging, but y’know.
“I have no hair…yet still he sniffs!!!”
There’s nothing like Canadian beaver.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsiMfqzeD8s
Obligatory![comment image](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D0Pr6f5W0AUE6H5.jpg)
Thanks to DFO, you guys have become my buddies, and a couple are even fwiends.
I’m not your buddy, guy
I’m your huckleberry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dt5un56pqM
Who thinks I should make a Diggler’s Donuts tee? This is my version of scientific data-gathering.
“I’ll take all you got!”
These guys seem to like the idea:
![comment image](https://i0.wp.com/media0.giphy.com/media/3o85xlfr22qHDO0D1C/giphy.gif)
I’ll have to figure out how to make a “one size fits all amorphous blobs…”
I’m willing to bet cash money that most of us are Shmoo shaped.
FWIW I’m playing with a couple of Diggler’s designs, as well as an Iguana Mart tee design.
Filling up my free time + staying out of my wife’s hair = win!
I’ll buy one!
Special Balls-sized Tee!
Wait, that came out wrong…
Obviously yes.
Speaking of, it’s been some time since I last saw my HRTN tee, it’s gotta be here somewhere.
Also obligatory:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJE3EgTGg9k
Obligatory
https://youtube.com/watch?v=LqQCyAQBgXY
https://youtube.com/watch?v=hpvqU2cmK8I
I’m right at the itchy rash part. Figures.
Obligatory:
?c=2&imbypass=on
At least Canada doesn’t have to worry about this happening to them:![comment image](https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/36bef4bbd665e976ed7e6fe36982dd70acf87700f351b2deab1d4de5029d41bc.jpg)
Canada Day actually represents the end of the Great Maple Syrup War and the start of our world domination for all things Maple Syrup. The Poutine battles were messy but to be expected with all that gravy, curds and grease flying around.
I hear the Beaver Rebels to the East will still attack with hockey sticks, but will take you to the hospital afterwards.
*clears throat*
THREE FUCKING POINTS AGAINST CHELSEA!!!!!!!!!!!’
Fucking Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!
HAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!’!
I thought of you when that 3rd went in, and smiled. That’s Davey Moyes at his “dogs of war” best.
I appreciate you beating the neighborhood’s tenants.
/Stamford Bridge is in Fulham nor Chelsea you see…
So this “Canada Day,” eh, would you say it’s the day that all Canadians let down their guard and would be most susceptible to invasion from the south? Asking foar a fiend.
Congratulations, everyone! We made it halfway through this godforsaken year!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bcm1V1sB2RI
2020 to the rest of us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY-Vna1ba5o
Hope the first six months weren’t just a warm-up for the second six, but I am afraid that will be the case.