Oh you poor bastiches, did you wander into the wrong dark alley of the Internet on the wrong day.  That’s right, the Good Reverend is back at the pulpit, here to save whatever shreds of a soul you may have.  So sit back, relax, and get ready for 34 solid paragraphs of Why You Are A Terrible Person (and Not In The Fun Way).

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Yeah, that sounds like a lot of work for relatively little payoff, vis-à-vis the quality of soul involved.  After all, WordPress Analytics suggests that you are either here because you were looking for it (and are therefore a Lost Cause) or you searched for “newmexicansfucking”.*  Wait, were you looking for recent videos of our friends from the South being friendly, or is there a group of Internet pervs so jaded that only hot Albuquerquean-on-Albuquerquean action gets your motor running?  Jesus, we live in an even stranger time than I thought.

*seriously. This was our second top search term from a day earlier this month.

Anyway, as you may be aware, it’s Canada Day!  For the few of you who may not be familiar, Canada Day celebrates the anniversary of the effective date of the British North America Act of 1867, under which the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick were combined into a single Dominion!

Hurray declarative administrative actions of the British Parliament organizing a federal structure!  No wonder you Northerners get so fucking frisky during this holiday…

As many of you are aware, I am Not Canadian.  However, I was born across Lake Erie in the fine City of Buffalo, New York.  As a result of many trips on the Maid of the Mist, gazing upon the poor souls of Canuckistan wishing they could cross the ironically-named Peace Bridge to the Land of Freedom, I feel I have a unique insight into the Canadian Character. Like a college sophomore who spent 5 days in Haiti over Spring Break, I Understand Your Struggle.

Ok, enough snark.  I like Canada.  Yes, I have had some harsh words for Canada in the past, mostly in the service of Amusing Hyperbole.  Yes, I once suggested on this site that Laura Secord only got her Secret Information about the American attack because she was servicing Yankees three at a time while charging a fourth to watch.

I stand by that statement. We must be brave in the face of attempts to whitewash history.

But I do like Canada.  Not because Everyone is So Polite.  Not because It’s So Clean. Not because Universal Healthcare Etc. Etc.

But because it’s mostly a comfortable, beautiful place to be most places in the Southern habitable belt.  The people are, on average, nicer than a random sampling of most populations I’ve met.  They tend to be reservedly friendly.  Most have a reasonable sense of fair play.  They also have a vastly uncomfortable history of mistreating and exploiting indigenous groups that they prefer not to think about.  They riot about sports championships just like us and understand that Fat is a Food Group.

So Happy Canada Day. May you survive the goddawful stupidity that we to your South inflict on you regularly.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Jack. Shit.

Everything except one game of the preliminary round of the National Womens Soccer League Challenge Cup has already been played today, and that’s not on TV. Seriously, TV Guide has NBA 2K Esports as the only live sports listed tonight, and that’s Not Sports.

Go watch a movie.  Play cards with your kids. Learn how to crochet. Hey, you can make yourself a Canada Day Toque!

If you can handle the excitement.