Eventual Balls Thoughts today turns 21! While that’s usually a momentous occasion in a young post’s life, the truth is that Eventual Balls Thoughts has been drinking for years. This reminds me of Young Balls and how early he got started with the drinking.
Balls’ parents were very good about letting Young Balls try a cocktail or two so he could see what alcohol was like and to figure out how to handle it properly.
Yes, Balls’ family is Mexican, why do you ask?
Anyway, it was great because I discovered several things before I even got to high school:
- I could not handle a martini. Granted, I was in middle school, but still.
- I dug the sweet slushy drinks like pina coladas and daquiris.
- Beer was good. Not great, but good.
By the time I got to high school, I knew how to handle my liquor. I can count the number of times I got really drunk on one hand. That’s pretty good considering I was going to parties with alcohol starting my sophomore year of high school.
I never really developed a drinking problem and even now only enjoy the occasional beer or cocktail on weekends.
There is no moral to the story as everyone is different. I just wanted to share.
How old were you when you started drinking? What was it like? Tell us in the comments!
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The Week in DFO
Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:
“See, McDonald’s and I have this understanding….”
Dunstan
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Having been thoroughly marinated in alcohol myself, I can really relate to that chicken.
Scotchnaut
In retrospect I feel bad that we spatchcocked you afterwards.
monty this seems strange to me
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found a funny:
priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat
rockindog
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The NFL has finally fined the Patriots $1.1 million and stripped them a 2021 3rd Round Pick for spying on the Bengals sideline.
They haven’t announced the Bengals’ punishment yet for getting the Patriots in trouble, but its expect to be severe. They may lose the striped helmets over this one.
Redshirt
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I knew we should have taken that left at Albuquerque!
Mr. Ayo
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Hand around her waist but leaning away from the body, I’m saying no.
Horatio
Maybe he got a slip of the tongue, and was able to squeeze a boob. Went home with one a cat couldn’t scratch. Still beats off about it 33 years later.
Viva La Tabula Raza
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Which Senate subcommittee is this?
LemonJello
Senate Intelligence….
ArmedandHammered
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Would get high and eat.
Litre_cola
Next time you eat Nacho Flavored Doritos, sniff your fingers before you wash your hands. You will be surprised.
Viva La Tabula Raza
Are you trying to make him sneeze? If so; great work.
Moose
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Found a funny:
“what do we want!”
fast car sound effects!
“when do we want them!”
neeeeeoooooooowwwww
rockindog
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Anyone who has ever seen a man’s bathroom can attest that “Disarray” is definitely not a guy. Hard to earn that description when all that’s in there is a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo, a bar of soap, and a toothbrush.
RTD
You forgot all the stiff washcloths. And the pubes. Oh God, the pubes!
Gumbygirl
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Canada Day actually represents the end of the Great Maple Syrup War and the start of our world domination for all things Maple Syrup. The Poutine battles were messy but to be expected with all that gravy, curds and grease flying around.
Game Time Decision
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Huh, I never knew Dunstan was Canadian! That explains how I met a genuinely nice person in LA…
Balls
Yeah, he seemed…pleasant, which was weird and off-putting. Makes sense now.
SonOfSpam
We’re good at seeming that way.
Dunstan
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Long may she reign!
Especially because her heir is a wanker.
Dunstan
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So, Michigan’s fucked
Gratliff
When exactly was this not the case?
SonOfSpam
For about 5 minutes, we were the least stupid state, but those minutes are over, and now we’re gonna kill all the olds
Gratliff
I thought GM killed the Olds a while ago.
SonOfSpam
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I think if I had a time machine, Id use it to go back and wallop the Oasis brothers on the head and steal their songs during the three months of their lives when they could still make good music. Then I’d do it again and again, and again and again and again, until we have at least 10 good Oasis songs instead of 3.
herodotus450
So you’re saying you’d go back, in anger?
SonOfSpam
Ok change in plan, go back in time to bonk SonOfSpam on the head and steal his joke. THEN on to Oasis.
herodotus450
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“I made fun of it awhile back but I’m really starting to like this Blueberry Hard Iced Tea beverage thingy!”
-excerpt from ch. 37 of my forthcoming book, “Functional Alcoholism: A Cry For Help”
scotchnaut
You need help.
Getting better alcohol to your house.
SonOfSpam
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I remember when I was in England and a nice bloke asked me if I liked puffing fags.
I said ‘Of course I do, I try to do it 2-3 times a week!’ He was very baffled when I asked him to put his cigarette out though because I want nothing to do with those cancer sticks!
I sometimes get shit faced and post in what I think is an open thread. Sorry.
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show
I sometimes get shit faced and post airplane engine pics on Grindr.
Brick
when you’re shit-faced enough, they’re all open threads.
Horatio
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I got beat up by a girl with donuts
Brick
Brag some more, why dontcha?
Horatio
That’s usually $250.
Moose
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Today I learned that my favoUrite…adult-themed short film star…is from Mallorca. So I bet on them to earn a Draw against Atleti ahora.
King Hippo
Hang on. You can’t just say that and not reveal his name!
Balls
Lorena Garcia!
King Hippo
Ms. Spank Bank.
Moose
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Posting Everclear is basically summoning tWBS’ ghost
King Hippo
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That’s old-timey speak for “I do anal” right?
Dunstan
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Big surprise
BFC
I’d like to see a kid ride a bicycle over that.
Brick
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Not two episodes into a German Nortflix show aaaaaand there’s a guy covered in shit. This is why you’re not on the list, Germany!!
herodotus450
And that other thing.
SonOfSpam
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Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:
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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. This is Balls, signing off!
I actually didn’t have my first drink until my second semester of college. I felt I “wasn’t ready”. Yes, I was a massive dork.
The night I did finally drink, the guys in the dorm thought it would be hilarious to have me do a shotgun contest with a senior. So there we are in the shower stalls, and they have to show me how to do a shotgun. So bang, we’re off…and I fucking smoked him. That senior didn’t live it down for a while. As for me, a long and distinguished drinking career had begun.
First time I got drunk (Cuba Libres) was on January 6, 1984. I remember because I was 13 and had to leave a late Día de Reyes mass to puke on the church parking lot.
First drinking story — I was either 11 or 12. My parents left town for the weekend, with my older sister in charge. By this point, we had reached a détente in our sibling rivalry and allied against the true enemy (the parents), so she was confident I would not rat her out for having 40-50 of her closest friends over.
I was wandering around the party, taking advantage of the fact that my eyes were at breast level of many of the female attendees, when one of her male friends thought it would be funny to pour some beer into a glass for me. I drank it, continued wandering, and then a different guy gave me some beer. Repeat multiple times — we’re not sure how many different guys were supplying me, or what the total ended up being, but it turned out to be the right amount to get me very buzzed but not sick and only mildly hungover.
There are pictures left over to this day of me and various of my sister’s friends, with me looking quite Hefner-like in my Montreal Canadiens bathrobe. And so did a long love affair begin with alcohol and older women.
That’s a fucking good story….. well, not literally, that was later.
Agreed. Great story!
Alcohol and older women get my vote for the Nobel Prize for Taste.
Eric Lamela, 2020 entrant into the Douchebag Hair Hall of Fame
Stay out there until Tuesday, the score would stay 1-nil.
Jose Mourinho knows he has FIVE subs…right?
We made all 5 before any of yours!
/did nae matter
Really should have stayed in bed today. You know, like the Everton XI.
Spurs are inviting them back into the game
My first was with friends breaking (opening) into a dad’s liquor cabinet at 13. We made boiler makers and other odd shit drinks, one kid threw up and got it mostly in the toilet (good!) then got wedged in between the bathtub and toilet (bad), then become violent swinging a cane with murderous intent (worse). All this happened before 2:00 in the afternoon on a hot summer day before the dad got home. Emerging into the bright sunlight and heat was devastating to the first hangover. I said “I’M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!!!” “Never” was about three weeks.
I just said “goddamn it Seamus” in a context wholly unrelated to 90s music
That goddamn “spurs go marching in” on endless loop is doing my rebel head in.
Yeehaw!!! Shot on target achievement UNLOCKED
Free shipping.
I thought letting kids drink was a wop thing? Will update my stereotype bank.
For the record, when we were visiting family outside of Yinzburgh, my Dad gave me a sip of Keystone. I think I was 10? As I spit it out across the room, he said in his best deadpan – “tastes like weasel piss, doesn’t it?”
I only drank wine coolers until I was a senior in high school. That’s just good parenting hustle.
Son and Lloris get into a very heated argument right at halftime. Up 1-0 over Everton.
CATCH SPURS FOOTBALL!
OF COURSE we Toffees are managing to lose to a side that’s fighting each other on the pitch. Classic Everton.
They’re doing a virtual Tour de France where all the riders are on some sort of Peloton simulation and it’s kinda wild.
Collecting power ups Mario Kart style in lieu of the normal method of PEDs
I’m not gonna lie, that would be awesome.
curious to see how they implement the turtle shells.
Amazon now delivers PEDs 23/7.
Did they let that doe-eyed skinny housewife from the ads compete? It seemed really important to her….
Naked would bring in some viewers.
Charlie Daniels died.
I suspect that every editorial cartoonist in the land is now coming up with their own version of the Devil lamenting his loss in that fiddle contest while Jesus claims his soul or whatever.
Aw geez, who’s gonna tweet “remember 9/11” every goddamn day now?
Benghazi is going away, sadly
I’m not sure about ‘sadly’…
Apparently he went out doing what he loved:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EcQqehXUwAEI4Fe?format=jpg&name=small
Tweeting bat-shit right-wing garbage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZKcSUkiE20
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=-qmyiR9iNyM&feature=emb_logo
1st day back at work in a week, I have been at my desk 2 hoUrs and want to play in traffic.
Tomorrow is the first time I have to work with other members of my department in person since March, and am wondering if I can just bar my office door when I get in.
Oof. That just kept on going ???
First day at the office since mid-March. There is no A/C. They told us to stagger commuting times if we can. What time is the building open? 9-5.
roll in around 11….
PM
I go back tomorrow.
Which means whenever I wake up tomorrow I start “working”* ‘remotely’**
*Playing Fortnite
**At home
I cannot figure out the build thing in Fornite as I’m older than dirt. But do like the style of game, so do PUBG ( occasionally) instead.
Little known Canadian Holocaust.
I’m a sucker for a vintage travel poster. Love the New York Central ad
Me too. I love those early 20th century railway posters!
Can I assume they did the one for the Titanic in watercolors?
I have that one! It’s framed and hanging on my wall.
Also, happy Monday.
HA! You picked the Sleep-Out Louie’s ‘Watch the Bengals game here’ poster. Thank you.
I’m just disappointed Redshirt didn’t see it the first time.